Chapter 37
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
June
Screw being sore from workouts—being sore from sex was by far the better way to do it. Even if it meant I fought the urge to make a sound every time I lifted a bucket of flowers.
In the last week, I’d gotten the best sleep of my life. After sex, Madi, Dallas, and I always fell right asleep. His mattress was learning the imprint of our bodies intertwined together, and I missed it when I wasn’t in it.
I’d learned more about my flexibility with Dallas and Madi than any Sunday yoga class ever taught me.
My phone rang for the third time in the last five minutes and I sighed, finally answering. “Evie, I do not have the time—”
“Did you know that research studies say that women need a girl’s night every two weeks in order to feel alive?” Evie interrupted. “And did you know that it’s been three weeks since the last time we used the Breakdown Couch for such a night? Possibly even longer?”
Despite everything, a soft laugh bubbled up. “Am I being summoned?”
“Mm-hmm. You are hereby summoned. No ifs, ands, or buts. Avery and I will be at your place tonight whether you like it or not. Hide the sex toys.”
I thought about mine, but it was safely tucked away in my dresser drawer.
“Okay, fine,” I said. “You’re in charge of food.”
“Of course. See you in a bit.”
She hung up promptly and I groaned, planting my forehead on the shop counter.
It worked out since Dallas and Madi were having a date night tonight.
I’d encouraged them to do something together.
She and I could enjoy tomorrow night together—and then Sunday we’d find out what Dallas had in store for us.
Full moon.
Whatever that meant.
And then it’ll almost be time for her to leave.
A thousand pricks of pain spread across my chest.
At least seeing Avery and Evie tonight would distract me from that haunting thought.
Coward. Whatever I was feeling, this sticky, gooey feeling—it never went away. At first, I thought it was fear. But now it felt achingly close to . . .
Love.
But it couldn’t be. It was too soon. It wasn’t right. I’d given them a proposal knowing that at the end, Madi would be leaving us to go home to LA.
All sex. No feelings. No attachments.
Friends with benefits.
That’d been the deal. The deal I’d proposed.
Now it was staring me down, and so was my regret.
I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like again after Monday.
It would go back to normal, right? But there’d be a hole where my world had molded around her, and the shape of her presence in my life would still be here, an imprint of what was.
It was easy to scold myself for making the proposal.
Easy to chastise the past me. But even knowing that devastation was pending, the only regret I had was that I was broken.
If I were a normal person, I could have cut away the parts that were unlovable.
But I wasn’t sure what to do now.
Everyone always dreamed of love. It was in the books, in the movies, in folklore.
The tale of two souls meeting and falling so deeply and madly for each other that nothing in the world could keep them apart.
No evil villain or disaster or pain could stop them from loving each other.
The fabled happy ending had been packed up and resold over and over again—and that’s what we were supposed to want.
And god did I want it.
But I wasn’t sure that sort of story was ever meant to be mine.
All of the feelings sitting on my chest were heavy and confused.
When Madi and Dallas looked at me, I felt loved.
But then I wondered if I was enough. Was I perfect for them?
Or was there someone else out in the world who could make them happier? Someone less shattered.
They were perfect for me. I didn’t want to let myself think about it, but I couldn’t change the fact that when Madi and Dallas were with me, it was so easy to love them. It was so easy to stand before them and hope.
All of my thoughts created a cycle. Like a broken washer that never stopped spinning, they kept going until work was over and I was walking through my front door—the scent of food and chatter from Evie and Avery a welcome stop to the spiral.
“There she is,” Avery said as I put my stuff down. She looked amused, although I wasn’t sure by what exactly. “You have a hickey on the back of your neck.”
“Oh god.” That was definitely it. I slapped my hand over a spot Dallas bit a couple nights ago, blushing from head to toe.
Evie poked her head around the corner from the kitchen. “I made spaghetti and brought French bread.”
“An angel,” I sighed as I kicked off my shoes. I threw myself down on my couch, not even sure where I was going to begin filling my two best friends in. Texts simply didn’t do it all justice.
Avery rubbed my back with a chuckle as Evie brought our plates to the coffee table. I hung off the side of the cushion dramatically and met her raised brows with a wrinkled nose.
“She’s in trouble,” Evie decided. “Shove some bread in her mouth.”
I laughed as Avery broke off a piece of bread and started to haphazardly make me eat. I inhaled a crumb, choked, then started laughing so hard the dam broke.
I started crying.
“Well, fuck,” Avery said.
Evie cursed too and sat down next to me as I got up and slumped back, covering my face.
“I’m such a fucking idiot,” I cried.
“What in the hell happened?” Evie was exasperated and concerned in one breath. “Do I need to hit someone with my rolling pin?”
“No,” I hiccuped. “No. I just don’t want her to go.”
“Oh.” Avery sighed in relief. “Okay. We can handle that.”
“We can,” Evie agreed. “And of course you don’t want her to go. You’re in love. With her and Dallas.”
“I don’t know about that,” I lied.
Evie snorted, but didn’t say anything. Instead she picked up her plate of spaghetti and handed me mine. The three of us had perfected the art of eating pasta on this couch, and I wasn’t even worried about getting red sauce on the fabric.
Avery scrutinized me. “The way Dallas looks at the two of you is something else. He’s never looked at anyone that way.”
“Could just be because he’s getting laid,” I said lightly.
She made a face, but then shook her head. “It’s not that, and you know it.”
“Don’t tell me you’re doing the resistance thing,” Evie said.
I scowled, and when I didn’t immediately answer, she groaned.
“June. Please tell me you’ve worked through this. I thought you were going to therapy for it.”
Damn. “I was going last year . . .”
“But then? You stopped?”
“Yeah,” I admitted.
I’d kissed Dallas and ghosted my therapist three times because talking about relationships suddenly felt too real.
Which, yes, was the exact opposite of what I should have done.
Talking through that reaction would have definitely been the healthier option, but it was hard to expose myself like that.
“You deserve love,” Avery insisted. “Love from one person, love from two. We love you and you don’t protest.”
“Yeah, but it’s different. You know that,” I sighed. “I’m not trying to change my life for either of you.”
“Who said anything about changing your life?” Avery asked.
“I mean, it’s impossible not to,” I quipped. “Look at you, Mateo, and Levi. You’ve changed so many things.”
“I mean, sure. But it’s all things we want. I don’t see anything wrong with it.”
“There’s nothing wrong, I just . . . I don’t know. It scares me. The idea of being in a relationship with someone where I have to change scares me.”
“Hold on.” Evie stabbed a fork into a meatball and pointed it at me. “Your excuse this time is because you’re afraid you’ll have to change your life? When we all know that’s not what this is about at all?”
“I don’t like being on this end of things,” I muttered. “Both of you are being rude.”
“Well, we love you. We will support whatever you choose. But you should talk to Madi. And Dallas. Talk to them about how you’re feeling,” Avery pleaded.
“I know she’s doing an interview for that one job.
The one in San Francisco, right? She was talking about it yesterday, but I don’t really think she wants it. ”
What?
My mouth felt dry. “What interview?”
Avery’s face dropped. She squirmed in her seat. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you that. I assumed Madi told you and Dallas.”
My ears were ringing as I did my best not to let everything cave in. “Well, what is it for?”
“I really shouldn’t,” Avery said, wincing. “I’m sorry. She told me that in confidence. It’s just an interview. I think she may stay, June. You should really just talk to her.”
And talk to her about what? I forced myself to nod, but I was already spiraling on the inside.
An interview for a job in San Francisco.
I mean, of course she needed to have something lined up. She was leaving in just eight days. Just over a week from now, she’d be on her way back to California, and I’d be here—back to avoiding Dallas.
God, what had I done?
“June.” Evie’s voice was sharp. “You really just need to be honest with them. If you’re falling in love, you need to express that. We live in a modern world. Long distance relationships exist—”
“I’m not,” I said firmly. I lied firmly. “I’m not. This was just an agreement. A sex agreement so all three of us can get fucked for a little bit. You know you take what you can get in a town this size.”
“It’s been more than that though,” Evie said softly.
“It’s just been sex,” I insisted. “That’s it. Primal, hot, kinky sex.”
Avery made a face, but then recovered. “If she leaves, what about you and Dallas?”
“We’ll just go back to being friends.”
She scowled at me. “Really?”
“What?”
“I’ve known you my entire life, and there’s no possible fucking way you’re going to just go back to being friends with him,” she said.
“Are you mad because he’s your—”
“No,” she snapped. “I’m mad because you’re being an idiot.”
I glowered as she got up and went to the kitchen. Evie sighed next to me, her lips pressing into a thin line.
“You agree with her,” I mumbled. “Clearly.”
“Yeah. I do. We both want you to be happy.”
“Well then you should have told me not to do this.”
She snorted and waited for me to remember the conversation we’d had at her bakery. I groaned as I replayed what she’d said, what she’d been right to say.
Evie had told me this was a bad idea.
“You know,” she said lightly. “I think you should live a little and fall for both of them. Tell Madi to stay. Move in together. Go the whole nine yards. Let them love you. Love them back. Spend the rest of your life getting that hot and primal kinky sex you’ve been missing out on.”
“It’s . . . I just . . .”
“You deserve it,” she said. “You really do. It’s time. Don’t let your issues with your mom ruin your relationship with two people who look at you like you’re the stars in their sky. She shouldn’t be able to steal something else from you.”
Avery returned with a slice of chocolate cake and sat back down next to me.
“I love you,” I sighed. “Both of you. I’m sorry I’m a mess.”
“We all are,” Avery muttered. “I have one more thing to say. Which is this—if what you’re feeling is actually love, it’s worth the trouble. It’s worth the risk. Okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered.
All I could think about was Madi’s interview.
This all would have been so much easier if I didn’t feel anything.