Chapter Thirty-Three
America
Gray doesn’t come back. Not to talk and not to collect any more of his stuff. I spend the rest of the day hoping he’ll come back, but all my calls and texts go unanswered. They don’t register as read either.
The next morning, it’s time to check out of the Airbnb and he still hasn’t returned. I have to go home and pack for my trip back to the States. I barely have time to pull myself together; my flight leaves tomorrow.
I wade through the morning like it’s wet cement. Every step, every breath is hard. I call and I shower. I text and I pack my suitcase. I find a T-shirt and his cologne in the bathroom and put them in my case because I don’t know what else to do with them.
I leave him a voicemail while I pile my suitcases by the door. Then I call for a ride to the train station.
He would respond if he wanted to. If he had anything to say he would say it. I finally told him I loved him without burying it in another language. It was a big deal. But it wasn’t enough. I don’t know what to do with that.
I walk through each room, making sure I have everything. Delaying the inevitable. He’s not a stray cat who came for the cream. He’s not playing games with me. He won’t be back. There’s no point waiting.
I stop when I notice his watch on the bedside table. I left it there last night when I finally crawled into bed to try to get some sleep.
Striding across the room I pick it up. It’s weighty in my palm. Worn and weathered from long-term use. I told the man I loved him, and it didn’t matter.
Any hope I had that he was getting over Indy is gone. It’s clear that whether he is over her or not, he isn’t over what she did to him. Will probably never get over it.
That’s the only thing that makes sense. My literal answer to his question that wasn’t so literal in the end can’t be the only thing that set him off.
I wrap the strap around my wrist. Its familiarity is a weird comfort to my hurting heart. Once I’m certain that there’s nothing of us left in the apartment, I check my phone to see if he’s messaged.
He hasn’t.
I blow out a frustrated breath. Type in his number and leave another voicemail. “We said we’d stay friends. Promised it, in fact. That means responding to my messages even if we’re not together. At least let me know that you’re okay.”
I hang up.
But that’s not everything I have to say. I punch his number in again. “Considering I’ve loved you since I was fourteen, I think I can handle the rejection of you not wanting to be with me. I get that you don’t see yourself back in Chicago.”
My phone vibrates with a notification. My ride is here.
“I get that you’re scared, Gray. You’re terrified that we could have something real. Indy hurt you, and you’re worried I’ll do the same. But guess what?! I’m scared too. I’m scared that I will have to go on loving you when you don’t feel the same way. Every morning we were together I’d wake up and pinch myself, thinking it was all a dream. I’ve wanted you for so long. When I was too young. When I knew I shouldn’t. When I tried to stop. None of it changed how I feel about you.” I sigh as I stride toward the door. “I’ve imagined our future. Taking you home as my boyfriend. The house we’ll grow old in. Our babies. Every single day that I get to wake up and think this man is mine.”
I hang up and pocket my phone. If Gray doesn’t want to talk to me, I need to let him go. I can’t hyper-obsess over him. I can’t force him to be with me. I can’t take responsibility for his inability to get over Indy.
I drag my suitcases out onto the sidewalk. The driver helps me load them into the trunk.
I climb into the backseat and shut my eyes as fresh tears well up. Maybe if I’d told Gray I loved him sooner he could have broken my heart faster.
I’ve loved him too long to get over this quickly. It wouldn’t change the pain that I’m going through or how many tears I’ll cry. I wipe them away as they tremble over my lashes and make one more phone call. “I don’t think I can go back to being friends.”
I drop my phone in my lap.
The rest of the drive passes in a blur as I dissociate. It’s the only way I can shut down my emotions enough to get through the station and onto the train that will take me across the Chunnel. And then I’m surrounded by other travelers, and I can’t possibly break down in front of all those people.
By the time I collect my suitcases I’m exhausted and numb. All I can think about is the quiet solitude of a hot shower, followed by going back to bed even though it’s early afternoon.
The flat is quiet and dark when I step inside. I walk past Dove’s door on the way to put my suitcases in my room. I stop. “Dove?”
A muffled response comes from the mountain of bedding before she peeks out. “You’re back.”
“I’m back.”
“And Gray?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug and bite my thumb. “He told me it was over, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. I have his watch, and I don’t know where I’m supposed to send it.”
“Oh, babes.” She sits up, letting the covers bunch around her waist. She’s pale like she hasn’t seen the sun in weeks. Her hair is teased and knotted from being in bed. She opens her arms wide.
I hurry across the room and hug her.
She hugs me back. “Tell me all about it.”
“There’s nothing to tell. We had an argument, and he told me that I should go home to Chicago. He was clear that he doesn’t want us.”
“Could it be a matter of bad communication? Maybe you just need to talk again.”
“I’ve tried.” I flop onto my back, let the tears dribble down my cheeks. “He hasn’t responded at all. I don’t know what else to do.”
“Nothing, I guess.” She sighs and drops down beside me.
“I have to repack.” I brush the wetness away. I’ll cry more later when I’m all alone in my bed. I don’t have time to break down when I need to pack for the Dells. “I have the flight home tomorrow. Indy’s convinced herself I’m bringing my boyfriend, though I never told her I would. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her about what happened with Everett or with Gray. And now I think I need to tell her that we broke up.”
I’ll save the part about who the boyfriend was until I see her. It just doesn’t feel like something I should tell her over the phone. He’s not just someone. He was her someone for a long time. And I stomped all over girl code.
“What did happen with Everett?” Dove asks. “He sent, like, an insane number of flowers for two weeks after you took off with Gray. My antihistamines could barely keep up.”
“What happened with Nathan that night he left you in the middle of nowhere?” I counter, knowing she won’t answer.
She shakes her head. “The whole fucking apocalypse.”
“What does that mean?” I roll onto my side, rest on my elbow.
“He worked out I was pregnant.”
“You’re pregnant?” I gape at her.
“No.” She looks incredibly sad. “I thought I was for a hot minute after Positano. It was probably only a false positive on the test. Either way, it didn’t stick.”
“Did you want it to?”
“Having a baby with a stranger? That sounds like a terrible idea.” Her shoulders shake. “Could you imagine that pretentious, arrogant man as my baby daddy?”
If anyone would have handled it, it would have been EJ. “What does this have to do with Nathan?”
“It’s in the contract. I can’t have a relationship or children until our agreement has run its course.”
“Who the hell is he? The devil? Did you sign this contract in blood?” Not for the first time I consider whether I could figure out how to hire a hitman. “That’s such bullshit. Why don’t you fight it?”
“It’s complicated,” she says. “And that’s as much as I want to talk about that. Your turn.”
I fill her in on the details of what happened with Everett. Including the fact that I’m still having nightmares about that night and how much worse it could have been.
“I think we need to go see your friends at the kebab shop. They’ll know someone that will ruin his ball game and we can get some of those garlic potatoes for dinner.” Dove gets up. “But first we definitely need some of that ice cream you keep stashed in the freezer.”
We stuff ourselves with mouthfuls of salted caramel and pretzel ice cream while we stand around the counter.
“Gray will come around.” Dove offers the container to me when I make a face at my phone. My only messages are from Indy, commenting on my expected arrival in Chicago. “You’re totally hot and fun and amazing. I could go on and on about your intelligence. And it’s clear to anyone with a pulse that you adore him. The man would be a moron not to realize how lucky he was to be with you.”
I scoop another chunk onto my spoon as my cheeks heat. I don’t know what to do with the compliment, but I appreciate it. “You’re the best friend a girl could ask for, but don’t tell Indy I said that.”
“I won’t. And I really believe he’ll come around.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not so sure it matters.” I would have kept my distance from Indy and Theo and my family for Gray. I would have missed them like crazy, but I would have done it. In a way I was already doing it before we got together.
I would have given him as much time as he needed. I would have gone home without him as many times as I needed to until he could make peace with his hurt and his anger.
As the years progressed I would have settled for cool indifference between the three of them.
I don’t know that there is anything else I can do to make him see that he has my whole heart. “After the Dells I’m going to stay for a while. I was planning for a month, but now…”
“You miss home. And I’ll be on tour. Are you thinking about moving back long-term?”
“Maybe.”
“I’ll miss you.”
I reach across the counter and take her hand. We’ve lived together for over a year. Spent most nights in each other’s company. I’ll miss her a lot. “You should come to the Dells with me. Before your life gets hectic. Who knows when we’ll get another chance to hang out together.”
If I’d known how this thing with Gray would go, I might have stayed home to spend time with my friend. No, no I wouldn’t have. But now the idea of one last girls trip is brewing. “Say you’ll come with me. Indy will be thrilled. She’s always talking about us all getting together.”
“You just want backup when she grills you about who he was.”
“That might be a part of it,” I admit. Not the whole reason, but a part of it.
I’ve felt like the worst friend for months. I’m done with keeping secrets. Of lying by omission.
“I don’t know.” She mulls over the idea while she sucks the frozen treat off her spoon.
“If you’re worried about EJ, I wouldn’t. He likes his job so much he takes work on vacation with him. He’ll probably camp out in his room most of the trip. We’ll barely see him.”
“I’m not worried about him.” She rolls her eyes. “He doesn’t even factor.”
“Then you’ll come?” I grin at her. “It’ll be the break we both need. And we can swear off—”
“Dicks and men who are dicks.” She gives me a pointed look. One that says when has that ever worked out? “Yeah, yeah. I’ll come. What flight number? I’ll see if I can book a seat. And call my beautician for an emergency spray tan.”
“I’ll tell Indy,” I pick up my phone. My heart bottoms out. For a second I let myself hope that Gray would be in my notifications when I light up my screen.
But he’s not. And it hurts all over again.