Chapter 18
The next morning Bella woke late but felt relieved that at least she had something planned for the day – her first antenatal yoga class.
She felt a lurch of panic whenever she thought about Don and she needed distraction from the situation. When it was time to go, she packed her mobile into her bag, just in case he should ring, and drove off to the address.
It was a small church hall, and in the vestibule she saw a row of socks and shoes leading to an open door where a group of women, many just as pregnant as her, were chatting.
She took off her trainers and socks and went through to join them.
‘Hello, I’m Bella,’ she said when everyone looked up at her, ‘and I definitely can’t put my feet behind my ears.’
Lame gag, but there were friendly smiles and hellos back.
The teacher, a slim, wiry-haired woman, took her details and they settled down for the class. They ‘breeeeeeeathed’ a lot, they stretched, they practised relaxation techniques and Bella felt that at last she’d found a way to slow down and be still. She should have taken Declan’s yoga advice months ago.
When the two hours was over, despite the row with Don, she felt calmer and positive. The teacher passed round blackcurrant tea, which was surprisingly delicious, and everyone chatted about babies, birth plans and breastfeeding. To her surprise, she felt fascinated by the reality of this whole pregnancy state.
‘I’m Red by the way,’ said the lovely looking woman sitting next to her. Red had truly unique colouring – dark brown eyes, chestnut skin and wild, corkscrew curls which were unexpectedly copper-coloured.
‘When’re you due?’ Red asked.
‘In three weeks,’ Bella answered.
‘Oh, me too.’ Red cupped her hands round the enormous bump Bella somehow hadn’t noticed because Red was so graceful. ‘Not long to go, thank God.’ Red added. ‘My feet are almost totally flat!’
Back in the car, Bella feeling serene and full of happy, pregnant, yoga thoughts, tried Don’s mobile.
It rang for a long time, then diverted to message: ‘Hello, Don,’ she said. ‘It’s me, I’d really like to talk to you. Call me… bye.’ She clicked off the phone, disappointed.
By bedtime, she was really disappointed. She’d left another message and he still hadn’t phoned back.
By Sunday morning, she felt totally depressed. There was still no reply on Don’s mobile. She lay in bed and couldn’t face anything, not even making breakfast. She just lay still, staring at the ceiling, wishing she could fall asleep again.
When she finally dozed off, she drifted in and out of dreams of Don and Don holding babies. An insistent hammering and shouting was punctuating the lovely dream; she tried to ignore it and hang onto the image of Don beside her with their baby. But the picture faded and she gradually woke up to the realisation that someone really was hammering at the door and calling her name.
‘Bella!’
‘Bella, are you in there?’
‘Are you OK? For God’s sake, Bella!’
She levered herself slowly out of bed and waddled to the door. She opened it up to see Tania, looking hugely relieved.
‘I thought you’d died or gone into labour or something…’
Bella stared at her.
‘You weren’t at the house. Or answering any of your bloody phones. And I knew you were alone this weekend and… when I saw the curtains shut, I just panicked.’ Tania looked almost embarrassed now.
Bella was still staring at her.
‘The house at noon? We were supposed to meet there.’ Tania held up her hands in total exasperation.
‘Were we? I completely forgot,’ said Bella listlessly.
‘Pregnancy, look what it’s done to you!’ Tania was teasing now. ‘You’re in bed at 1p.m., you look absolutely awful and now you’ve lost your marbles.’
‘Yeah, and maybe my husband,’ Bella added.
‘What?!’ Tania followed her into the flat and shut the door. ‘What’s happened?’ she demanded, steering Bella into the sitting room.
‘We’ve had a huge row. Well, actually— we haven’t really. He’s just stormed off on a work trip and not called. I don’t know what’s going on,’ Bella said, wondering why she felt so numb.
‘You seem really strange, Bella, are you OK?’
Bella could feel a wave of pins and needles move over her face. She parted her lips and whispered, ‘I think I’m going to—’ then she swayed dangerously.
‘Sofa!’ Tania said urgently.
Bella lay down on the sofa and felt a little better.
‘I think I need something to drink.’
This reassured Tania slightly, so she brought Bella a glass of water and held her head as she sipped it down.
Once Bella was able to sit up, Tania made her drink milky, sugary tea and halfway through the mug, Bella realised she was ravenously hungry, so Tania made her toast with butter. As Bella ate and drank, she started to feel better.
When Tania started to gently quiz her about Don, Bella, somewhat shamefacedly, confessed to the personal loan she’d taken out for the house without telling her husband.
‘Is that such a big deal?’ her friend asked.
‘Well, yeah, obviously,’ said Bella. ‘A big enough deal for him to storm out.’
‘So, what are you going to do now?’ Tania asked.
‘I have to sort it out with him. I really need things to be OK between us again.’
‘Is there other stuff going on?’ Tania asked.
Bella gave a deep sigh and tried to put into words the vague unease she’d been feeling lately. ‘I think he’s a bit terrified of all this. Marriage is one thing, but an enormous mortgage, a house that needs lots of work and fatherhood is scaring the heck out of him. And I’ve been really preoccupied, with work, with the pregnancy, with all this house move stuff. I haven’t really paid attention to what’s been going on with him or with us.’
After another sigh, she added, ‘You know Don’s dad left when he was tiny. Maybe he’s worried that’s what he’s programmed to do, on some level.’
‘Bloody hell,’ Tania said, her voice full of concern. ‘How are you going to fix this?’
‘I’m not really sure,’ Bella answered. ‘But I’m going to have to try.’
Tania smiled encouragingly at her.
‘Big romantic airport reunion?’ Bella suggested.
‘Worth a shot,’ was Tania’s verdict.
On Wednesday morning, Bella got up very early, put on the most glamorous pregnancy outfit she could muster and drove to Heathrow to meet Don’s 7a.m. flight, which was, of course, delayed. She wandered round Terminal 3 in a tired daze. With her current bladder situation, drinking a string of coffees was not an option.
Checking herself over in the bathroom mirror, she was instantly depressed at how enormous she looked, not even her groovy get-up could detract from that. However, she’d done the best that she could: a brightly coloured skirt, high-heeled ankle boots, which were causing much foot and back pain, and a low-cut clinging top. Over this she’d slung her one fantastic item, a brand-new mock-croc brown leather coat.
She’d gone to town yesterday intending to buy baby things, but it had been too gloomy because it made her want Don with her even more. They should be choosing cot blanket patterns and types of pram together. So, she’d tried to cheer herself up with the coat purchase.
When the plane finally landed, she stood at the arrivals gate feeling nervous as she scanned every face that went past.
At last, she saw him striding along, bag and coat over his shoulder. He was talking to someone else – she’d forgotten he wouldn’t be alone and now she couldn’t decide whether to wave or wait until he got closer. Then he spotted her and a look of surprise crossed his face.
‘Hello, Bella! What on earth are you doing here?’ He sounded matey, jokey almost. He leaned over and pecked her cheek and she couldn’t say any of the things she’d planned, because now his colleague was being introduced to her.
‘Rod, this is my wife, Bella. Bella, meet one of our finest photographers, Rod.’
‘Hello, how are you?’ asked Rod, shaking her hand.
‘Hi,’ she answered. ‘Good trip?’
‘Yeah,’ they both replied.
There was an awkward pause, before, thankfully, Rod said, ‘I’m going to shoot off then. Nice to meet you, Bella. See you tomorrow, Don,’ and he was gone.
They were left facing each other.
‘What are you doing here?’ Don asked again.
‘I’m your wife, what do you think I’m doing here? I didn’t just happen to be passing.’ She was surprised to find herself feeling angrier than she’d expected.
‘OK,’ he said steadily.
‘Just how long were you planning to sulk?’ she demanded. ‘You’ve not called, not even messaged. Were you going to come home today? Or were you going to carry on pretending that I don’t exist?’
‘I was going to come home,’ he said, still calm and steady.
She held his look for a long moment and felt all her anger dissolve. She loved him and just wanted this to be over, just wanted him back.
‘I’m very sorry, Don. I should have told you about the loan. But I wanted the house to be ready, to be perfect and I was sure if I’d told you what I was going to do, you’d have said no.’
‘I think the point of being a couple is that we talk things through, even if it’s hard. Maybe I would have changed your mind… maybe you would have changed mine. You should have given us the chance to have that conversation. We’ve not been together that long and we have to learn how to manage hard conversations.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, acknowledging that everything he’d said was true.
‘I’m not sure that you fully trust me,’ he added.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she repeated and tears began to slide down her face.
He put his arm round her shoulder. ‘What do you want to do, Bella?’ he asked.
‘I want us to go home,’ she sounded tired and sad, ‘I want everything to be OK.’
‘I’m sorry I’ve upset you.’
‘Don, I’m eight and a bit months pregnant, the theme tune to Emmerdale upsets me.’ She managed a smile.
He smiled back and they both relaxed a little.
‘Please come here,’ he said and they hugged as best they could over her huge bulge.
‘Shall we go and get a coffee?’ he asked into her hair.
‘Yeah, OK.’ Bladder be damned.
When they were sitting down, he confessed to all the anxieties Bella had suspected.
‘I’m sorry.’ It was his turn to apologise now. He took a swig of his coffee and she saw how tired he looked. ‘It still seems so soon,’ he said. ‘We’ve only known each other for a year and a half, now we’ve bought a house and we’re having a baby. You’re charging into all this and I’m wondering if I can handle it.’
‘I’m not going to be able to do this without you, Don. I need you to hang in there.’ She couldn’t bear to meet his eyes, so just stared at the layer of foam dimpling in her untouched cup.
‘I know. And I promise I’m going to be here for you, I’ve been thinking about you non-stop, I’ve missed you so much,’ he squeezed her hand.
‘But you didn’t even call!’
‘I know, I know. I’m so sorry. Once I’m on my high horse, I can never see a way of climbing down again.’
‘Really? How long would you have left it?’ She looked up at him now and tried to smile a little.
‘I don’t know, Bella. There’s a chance that I might not have come home… there are some women out there who are still waiting to hear.’ He gave a half smile but she looked serious.
‘We’re about to become parents, Don. Like you said, we need to tackle all this difficult stuff head on. Even when it’s hard. I should have told you about the loan… and we can still talk it over. I could pay it back if you think it’s a terrible idea.’
He smiled at her, looking relieved.
‘OK, that’s a big thing to say. We will discuss it fully. You can show me the full house purchase and renovation spreadsheet that I know you’ve made.’
She smiled back.
‘And you can explain how you’ve got it all figured out. Then, hopefully, we can agree on what’s best.’
‘Deal,’ she said.
He moved from his chair into the banquette to be beside her and put his arm round her.
‘Come here,’ he pressed his mouth against hers. As they kissed for what felt like the first time in months, she flooded with relief.
‘I love your coat,’ he said when they finally broke off, ‘I hope that’s been accounted for in the spreadsheet.’
‘Thanks… and not exactly. But can we go home now?’
‘D’you think I’ll get myself and my stuff in your car?’ he asked as they followed the signs to the car park.
‘Oh, I brought the Jeep.’ She tried to sound casual.
‘You brought the Jeep!’ He stood still with surprise, ‘You drove here in the Jeep? Wow, you must really love me.’
‘Yeah, I do,’ she answered.
When they got home, they closed the curtains and went to bed, very tenderly and carefully.
She was trembling against him and just as he came, she cried out ‘Oh… my… God!’ and moved his hand onto her stomach where he could feel waves pulsating across it.
‘Are you in labour?!’ he exclaimed.
‘No,’ she gasped, ‘just having a late pregnancy orgasm.’ Don kept his hand on her stomach until the pulsing finally stopped.
‘I love you,’ he said, settling his head back on the pillow but still curled up close behind her with his arm resting on her side.
‘Love you too,’ she answered.
‘I’m going to love our baby,’ he added.
‘Me too.’ She felt tears prick at the back of her eyes. Not again! She blinked them away and closed her eyes.
Moments later they fell properly, deeply asleep for what felt like the first time in days.