Chapter 23
By lunchtime the next day, Bella and her baby were home. Don made all the phone calls and handled the hourly delivery of flowers while Bella lay in their bed like a worn-out princess with Markie snuggled up beside her.
‘Tania’s coming round later,’ Don said, poking his head round the door, amazed to find Bella finally awake. ‘There’s no stopping her.’
‘Oh, it’s OK,’ Bella whispered. ‘When I said no visitors today, I meant apart from her.’
‘My office, your office, your clients, our friends, plus Mum and your parents have all sent the most incredible flowers. D’you feel up to calling the parents? They’re waiting by the phone.’
‘Yeah, of course,’ Bella answered, feeling a pang of guilt that she would rather speak to Don’s mum than her own.
Don went over to peek at the baby again. He was lying on his back fast asleep with his head turned to the side and his arms up beside his ears in a still life Highland fling.
He had a white cotton hat on with a knotted top but his face looked too old for such a babyish thing. He looked like an ancient Buddha, not sleeping, merely closing his eyes in meditation.
‘Has he been awake again?’
‘No,’ said Bella. ‘Not since we got back. I think they do that for a day or two, recover from the birth, sleep it all off.’
‘How are you?’ He looked at her pale face and the deep dark circles round her eyes.
‘Not too bad… and by that, I mean I’m exhausted, I can hardly walk, I’m still getting contractions and my boobs feel like lead balloons, but these are keeping me happy—’ she nodded towards the heavy-duty painkillers Declan had left her.
‘Remember to hide them when Suzy comes round or she’ll take them away and suggest camomile tea instead,’ Don joked.
‘Over my dead body.’
‘Have you changed his nappy yet?’
‘Oh God, no!’ Bella looked appalled. ‘It’s been on for hours.’
‘OK, what do we need?’
They set up a towel on the bed. Don brought in a bowl of lukewarm water, cotton wool balls and a new nappy as instructed.
He lifted Markie onto the towel and he and Bella fumbled with the one hundred tiny popper buttons on his babygro and the velcro on his nappy straps. Markie was disgusted to be so rudely awoken. He balled up his tiny fists and began to howl so violently that his body shook and his face turned purple.
Bella opened the tiny nappy, it looked bone dry, so she peered down more closely and was aware that her cheek was wet. She moved back in surprise as Markie’s teeny willy sprayed about in all directions. In an elegant arch he wet the duvet, his babygro and his own face. This made him cry even more frantically.
Bella and Don were in a horrified panic. Don dabbed at the baby’s face with the edge of the towel and Bella picked the little bundle up and cuddled him to try and stop his piteous wailing.
‘OK,’ she tried to sound calm. ‘We’ll need a new vest and babygro.’
Don brought them in to Bella on the bed and they looked at each other with apprehension. Markie was still purple and crying fiercely.
Two grown-ups, one who had reported from war zones, the other who had fought in her fair share of boardroom battles, were just beginning to get an inkling of how truly helpless they were in the field of baby rearing.
Changing Markie for the first time ever was horrific. He battled with his legs and arms and roared at them in terror. His parents, terrified they were going to break him, touched him gently and gingerly but he acted as if he was being tortured. Finally, when it was all over, Bella lifted him up to her breasts and let him nuzzle. At last, there was silence.
‘Oh my God.’ Don sighed, looking at Bella. After a moment of relieved silence, they both collapsed into giggles which got more and more hysterical.
‘He peed in your face—’ Don exclaimed between belly laughs.
‘Your expression, when you came in with the vest— terror!’ Bella was laughing so hard that Markie lost his grip and squawked until she’d latched him on again.
‘And how does that feel?’ Don gestured to his son clamped tightly onto his wife’s breast once they had finally calmed down.
‘I don’t really feel anything apart from his little jaws going chomp, chomp, chomp.’
‘How do you know he’s getting enough?’
‘Because Suzy told me he’ll howl the house down when he’s hungry, not lie in his crib asleep – normal survival rules.’
‘I’m glad you’re so sussed,’ he told her.
‘Oh, I’m so not, Don. I’m terrified! But we’ll just have to muddle through, learning on the job.’
‘Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?’
‘Believe me, if your exit points felt like mine, you wouldn’t want anything either.’
He didn’t need to know more.
‘OK,’ she said when Markie had drunk his fill, ‘let’s call the folks.’
Don sat up on the bed beside her as she punched in her parents’ number.
‘Hello, Mum, it’s me,’ she said when her mother picked up.
‘Bella! Hello! How are you doing? And congratulations! We’re so proud of you.’
‘Thank you… I’m not too bad.’
‘Just spare me the details,’ her mother added. ‘Don said it went on for hours. I don’t want to know, I really don’t. But you are OK now, aren’t you? And little… Mark?’ She said the baby’s name in that ‘Please tell me I’m wrong’ sort of voice.
‘Markie,’ Bella answered.
‘Oh yes, I’m sure he’s a little Markie now, but later… anyway, is he utterly lovely and perfect?’
‘He’s beautiful,’ she said and slipped her hand into Don’s. ‘You should come and see him, Mum.’ She held her breath for the reply.
‘Well… it will be hard for me, Bella’ – and here we go, Bella thought. ‘I’ve had nothing to do with babies since you were small because of what I’ve been through,’ her mother continued. ‘I know it’s going to trigger a lot of difficult feelings. I’ve bought a book about becoming a grandmother and I’m trying to prepare myself for the rush of emotions.’
As she listened, Bella thought how strange it was that her mother always seemed emotionally open and yet only ever managed to push her away. Whatever Bella did, her mother could only experience it in terms of how it affected her – even giving birth, for God’s sake.
When the call was finally over, Bella banged the receiver down, relieved that her mother had given herself an excuse not to visit for months now and furious with her for it at the same time.
After that, it was a pleasure to have Don’s lovely mum, Maddie, on the other end of the line saying all the right things.
‘Oh, well done, Bella, Don is so proud of you, I’ve never heard him on such a high. You really have made him the happiest man in the world. And me too, my darling. I am just delighted to be a granny – thrilled!
‘And Markie, what an adorable name, goes so well with Browning-McCarthy… I’m coming down as soon as I can sort out some cover but only if you want me. I’m sure you’ll want some peace and quiet to yourselves first of all… Now back to bed, my precious girl,’ Maddie insisted. ‘Make sure you rest as much as you can. Make Don fetch and carry for you. Do nothing but rest.’
Bella fell asleep again not long after the calls. Her last image was the bank of purple, blue, pink and white blossom crowding round the bedroom. Don had run out of vases and was now using buckets, bowls, whatever he could lay his hands on. It had reminded her of the night she’d told him she was pregnant.
Suzy came in for an hour or so to check everything was going well and then later, when the sun was starting to set on Markie’s first day, Tania arrived, rushing upstairs to the bedroom, where she woke a dozing Bella with a kiss.
‘Oh, hello and congratulations, you fantastically clever girl,’ she gushed, leaning into the crib and staring, quite overcome by the sleeping bundle inside.
‘Look at him, he’s absolutely gorgeous,’ she whispered.
‘No, he’s not,’ Bella joked groggily. ‘He looks like a miniature Winston Churchill.’
‘Actually, now you mention it… Shut up, Bella. He’s adorable. I’ll take him home today if you don’t want him.’
‘If you think I went through all that just so I could be your surrogate mother…’ Bella was smiling now.
‘Was it really bad?’
‘Bad??! I’m sorry, I’m not joining in the postnatal mum conspiracy to keep childless women in the dark. It was appalling, it was awful, it was a much, much more excruciating agony than I could ever have imagined. Went on for much longer than humanly bearable and is just barbaric in every way. Next time – Caesarean or at the very least, the full epidural works.’
Tania looked at her in horror.
‘Oh my God, you’re not pregnant are you?’ Bella asked.
‘No,’ said Tania. ‘But I might reconsider that plan now,’ then she burst out, ‘But he’s so gorgeous, I want one! Oh, look at you. Are you doing OK?’
‘I’m bruised and battered, but everyone keeps telling me I’ll be fine soon, so hoping that’s true.’
Dropping her voice to a whisper, Tania added with concern, ‘And is everything OK with you and Don now… have you had a chance to sort out?—’
Bella was already nodding and smiling. ‘Everything is really good,’ she said. ‘We have talked. We have compromised and he is loving this “strong Daddy of the house” role, living for it,’ she added with a smile.
‘Let him enjoy it while he can.’ Tania gave her a wink. ‘You’ll be back to being girl-boss very soon. I know you.’
‘Yeah,’ Bella agreed. Although right at this very moment, when she could hardly walk or put a vest on a baby, she felt quite a long way from being back in charge of her life.
Tania rustled around in the glossy shopping bags she’d brought and pulled out a huge, plush teddy bear. They both burst into laughter.
‘Oh my God,’ said Bella, ‘it’s so big, he’ll be frightened of it.’
‘He’ll grow into it. I loved it, so cute. And look at these.’ She tipped out an array of gorgeous baby clothes onto the bed.
‘Baby Kenzo,’ she said. ‘Aren’t they fantastic?’
‘Oh, my goodness!’ Bella exclaimed. ‘That is so generous! You really shouldn’t have.’
‘Nonsense. I’m his fairy godmother. Now for you, fairy princess…’ Tania opened another bag and out came a bottle of lavishly expensive aromatherapy foam bath.
‘Thank you very much,’ said Bella. ‘As soon as the stitches have healed, I will indulge.’
Tania pulled a face. ‘How many?’
‘An unspeakable amount. I’ve told Don we can never have sex again.’
‘Oh dear, so that means you won’t need my final present.’
Bella laughed, curious now.
Tania brought out a shoebox. Inside were pale green strappy snakeskin shoes with vertiginously high heels.
‘Oh my God, Tani!’ Bella exclaimed, properly shocked at her friend’s extravagance.
‘Well, I worried you might not get back into your clothes just yet, so I thought these would make you feel foxy again.’
Tania was surprised to find her friend suddenly choked up with tears.
They put their arms round each other and Bella sobbed.
‘I’m sorry,’ Bella said as soon as she could. ‘It must be the hormones,’ she added, although really, the complicated feelings about how much she felt she’d changed in one single day could not be explained away as easily as that. ‘Thank you so much, Tania. You’re the best, best friend.’
‘It’s a pleasure, honey.’ Tania smiled and got paper hankies out of her handbag, so Bella could dab at her face. ‘I brought supper as well, Japanese… sushi, broth, all your favourite things. I’ll go down and set it all out, then Don and I will come and eat by your bedside.’
When a steaming bowl of noodley broth was put in front of her, Bella realised she was ravenous. She was going to have to eat and worry about passing the consequences later.
‘So, who is all looking after you?’ Tania asked between mouthfuls. ‘Don obviously and doing an amazing job.’
‘Doing my best,’ Don replied from the chair in the bedroom, where he too was eating noodles.
‘My mum says you need a team of people and she’s going to come if you haven’t got enough!’ Tania added.
Bella laughed. ‘That’s very sweet. Don’s mum, Maddie, is visiting soon. We have Suzy the doula, who will come for an hour or two every day. Don is off for three whole weeks… and I’m hoping I’ll feel kind of back to normal by the time he goes back.’
She heard herself saying this but wondered if it was true. She was shocked at her condition and her injuries. Just two days ago, yes, she’d been enormous, but she could clean floors, walk round the block, make careful love; now she felt destroyed, barely able to shuffle to the bathroom. And she was in so much pain – aching boobs, sharp contractions, the stitches, the piles… it was best to take another painkiller and try to forget about it all.
Bella had not expected this amount of exhaustion and physical damage. She felt injured and war wounded, but everyone was sending flowers and congratulating her as if she’d won an award.
But she had her reward, didn’t she? Markie was sound asleep in his bed again, oblivious to the chat in the room.
Tania was stroking his downy head and watching his chest rise and fall and Don was gazing at him too as he spooned noodles into his mouth.
The baby was a magical presence, no doubt about it. They were all transfixed by this tiny being, whose beautiful, blue-veined eyelids were fluttering in his sleep like butterfly wings.
Everything had changed, Bella thought again, everything had changed. She felt about as prepared for this new life as a swimmer who has prepped to do a few laps of the pool and is now faced with crossing the Channel.