Chapter 28
Bella sat at the kitchen table watching the breeze shake a bush in the garden. Tears were streaming down her cheeks but she didn’t care, didn’t even really notice. She was exhausted but couldn’t imagine going back to bed. Markie would wake up as soon as she fell asleep anyway.
She’d been up since before 5a.m., feeding, changing, winding, sterilising bottles for the top-up feeds, tidying the house, feeding, changing, winding, feeding, changing, winding. It was one long endless cycle. Markie was crying less, but not sleeping for the luxurious long naps he had settled into when Maddie was here. Bella blamed herself, as in the four days since Maddie had left, Markie had somehow wound himself up again. Or, more likely, she had wound him up.
Why could she not get this together? Christ, she was still in her dressing gown at 2p.m. She should probably eat something. She brushed the tears from her face and wondered if there was anything in the fridge she could face.
Then she heard the doorbell. Who on earth was that? There was no time to change, she would have to answer it as she was.
She opened up hesitantly, trying to hide her dressing gown behind the door. There on the step was the beautiful woman from the antenatal yoga class… Red, that was her name. Bella had totally forgotten they’d swapped numbers and addresses and said they’d keep in touch.
‘Hello, stranger,’ Red said, cracking a wide, elegantly lip-sticked smile. ‘As you’ve not replied to any of my messages, I thought I’d pop round to show mine off and see yours.’
Bella’s first thought was that Red looked jealous-making lovely, in a tight sports top, wide-legged trousers and trainers, her hair plaited into long beaded braids that jangled as she moved her head. Across her front was a tartan papoose and Bella could just see the hat on the little baby snuggled inside.
‘Hey!’ Bella smiled back, so surprised by the visit, and so glad to see this woman. ‘Come in, the place is a mess… I’m a mess, sorry.’
‘Sorry?!’ said Red, incredulously. ‘Don’t ever apologise. The first six weeks are absolute hell. Just be thankful everyone’s still alive.’
This made Bella laugh.
‘No laughing!’ Red warned, laughing as well. ‘Our pelvic floors can’t take it yet!’
This just made them laugh even more. Bella began to feel quite overcome, tears were forming in the corner of her eyes and oh no, she was about to cry again.
She started to sob and Red stepped into the hallway and put an arm round her. ‘Oh, don’t cry. You’re OK. And if you’re not OK, that’s fine too.’
This made Bella sob harder.
‘Oh no…’ Red hugged her as tightly as the papoose baby allowed. ‘I’m so sorry. I wish I’d come sooner,’ she said.
‘Don’t be silly,’ Bella managed after a few more moments. ‘We don’t even know each other very well.’
‘Well, yeah, but I’ve been where you are now before and I should have thought of you.’ She squeezed Bella’s arm affectionately. ‘Come on, let’s go and sit down. Gorgeous house, by the way.’
‘Thanks,’ Bella said gratefully. She closed the front door and led Red into the kitchen.
‘This is Ellie.’ Red patted the little hat buried deep down in the papoose. ‘Born 3 May, 10.32a.m., six pounds, nine ounces, after a four-hour labour, epidural, no tear, thank you Lord, but second babies are easier.’
‘Oh yeah,’ Bella said. ‘I’d forgotten you already have another one. How old is…? Sorry, I’ve forgotten literally everything.’
‘He. Jamie is three,’ answered Red. ‘He’s with his dad this afternoon,’ she said as she settled into a chair. ‘Come on, I want all your gory details.’
Bella busied herself with the kettle and realised she was starving. ‘Do you want a sandwich?’
‘Oh yes, please,’ said Red. ‘Isn’t breastfeeding the best? An excuse to eat even more food than when you’re pregnant.’
‘Brie, ham or peanut butter?’ Bella asked from the fridge.
‘Bring everything you’ve got,’ said Red with a giggle.
When they were sitting down with tea and plates of food, Bella gave Red her labour lowdown and didn’t spare the details. It took about half an hour and was hugely cathartic. Bella was amazed the babies were still sleeping.
‘So much pain,’ she said. ‘I never imagined how much pain it would be. I didn’t feel I’d been warned either.’
‘I don’t think anyone wants to tell pregnant women, in case they spend nine months in a state of panic,’ Red said, then added, ‘Well actually, I could have told you. I did an all-natural home birth thing the first time, but it was so Godawful, I told Zander I was only going to have another one under general anaesthetic. The epidural was our compromise,’ she said in between big mouthfuls, ‘and it was fab, no comparison with bloody gas and air. I think they give you that mouthpiece to stop you screaming. It doesn’t have any effect at all.’
‘Completely true!’ They both laughed.
‘How are you doing now?’ Red asked.
‘I’m so tired,’ Bella confessed. ‘I didn’t know I’d be awake most of the night, every night… because feeding takes so long and he doesn’t want to go back to sleep afterwards.’
‘I know,’ Red added. ‘You’ve just got to sleep in the day, sod the housework, sod the cooking, let the whole place fall in around you. You must sleep! Or else you will crack up big time.’
‘I think I’m already close,’ Bella confessed.
‘You’re back at work really soon, aren’t you, you brave woman. What do you do again?’ Red asked.
‘I’m a management consultant. I’m supposedly back at the start of August. And I haven’t done anything about a nanny. I don’t know where to start and I can’t face it.’ Bella sounded almost tearful again.
‘It’s OK,’ said Red. ‘Everything you’re feeling is normal. You’ll be fine.’ She gave an encouraging grin. ‘Just give yourself some time.’
‘That’s the one thing I don’t have.’ Bella stared down into her tea. ‘What do you do?’ She looked up at Red.
‘I’m an accountant— part-time accountant,’ said Red. ‘Well, when Jamie was born, I went back to work full-time, but I found it impossible. I hardly saw him. I hardly saw Zander because he was working so hard and all three of us were exhausted.
‘We struggled on for about half a year, then jacked it in and downsized,’ she continued. ‘We sold the house, got a little flat round here and Zander and I now run our own business together from home. He does most of it and I help out when I can.’
Red took a gulp of tea then added, ‘I’ve told him absolutely nothing doing until Ellie is at least five months old. Breastfeeding,’ she sighed, ‘good for the baby, establishes immunity and everything but, let’s be honest, it’s terrible for the mother, so exhausting and such a bind. You can’t leave them for more than three hours max and even then you worry all the time. How are you managing?’
‘It’s getting better. I give Markie bottle top-ups as well,’ Bella told her guiltily. ‘I’m just hoping he’ll take bottle milk in the day and breast milk at night when I go back to work.’
‘Good for you,’ said Red to Bella’s relief. ‘I’ve never managed to get one baby to take as much as a sip from a bottle. But don’t you dare feel guilty if you have to give up feeding once you’re back, you might find it’s just too much. I mean, I was a lunatic, working all day, breastfeeding all night!’
Bella felt a surge of relief to hear someone else being honest about how tough it was.
Red added, ‘I wouldn’t say it’s impossible working full-time in London with a baby but it’s really hard. What does your partner do?’
‘Don’s a journalist,’ Bella answered, ‘for a national tabloid.’
‘Oh yikes!’ said Red. ‘So not around very much?’
‘Well, it’s not too bad. Long hours, but he’s not usually out of town more than a week every month.’
Bella could see the little lights rising on the baby monitor. Markie was starting to stir and she leapt up to get him.
When she brought him down to the kitchen, Red exclaimed, ‘Oh my word, he’s enormous! I’m amazed you can sit down.’
‘Only on cushions!’ Bella laughed and began feeding him.
When Ellie started to stir, Red didn’t even take her out of the sling, just deftly lifted her top, twanged open a patterned, actually-quite-pretty nursing bra – and her hungry baby latched on, leaving Red with both hands free to cradle her cup of tea.
‘I like your outfit,’ said Bella. ‘I can’t get into anything apart from Don’s old stuff. I refuse to wear my maternity things again – I wore them to death and am sick of the sight of them.’
Red laughed. ‘Go buy yourself some new sports gear, that’s my tip. It’s very stretchy and covered in logos and stripes which detract from the lumps and bumps. And I think it looks a bit racier than leggings and a T-shirt, the uniform of new mums across the western world.’
It was Bella’s turn to laugh. ‘And what about work clothes? What did you do when you went back?’
‘I did wear some maternity things, cunningly disguised,’ Red confessed. ‘But I bought a couple of suits, two or three sizes up.’
After another half an hour or so of cheerful chat, Red announced that she would have to head off.
‘Here is my address and phone number, in case you’ve lost them—’ she handed Bella a bright red business card. ‘Just come round or phone, anytime, I’d love to see you.’
As Bella opened the door to let Red and Ellie out, she felt her heart lift even further when Red gave her an affectionate kiss on the cheek.
‘Promise me we’ll see each other soon.’
‘Promise,’ Bella said.
Then she went upstairs and washed her face, brushed her hair, put on lipstick and that did make her feel a little better. OK, sod the housework, the most important item on the agenda was finding a nanny. In the sitting room, she opened her laptop, searched for numbers and began dialling.
Several phone calls to agencies later, she was totally disheartened. Everyone she had spoken to had been surprised she’d left it ‘so late’. She basically wanted a nanny who could start in a month’s time. All said they would put her on their lists but could promise nothing.
She punched in another number.
Instead of a deep sigh in response to her request, a slightly more human-sounding woman said, ‘Oh dear, has someone let you down?’
‘Yes, I’m afraid so,’ Bella fibbed.
‘That’s awful. Luckily for you, we’ve got one girl experienced with babies ready to start about then, so let me tell you about her and arrange a meeting.’
Bella felt a wave of relief and anxiety. OK, she might be able to solve the nanny problem after all but that meant she could be going back to work very soon.
She thought about her little son and felt only sadness at the thought of giving him up. Heading back to the kitchen, she tried to keep Maddie’s words in her mind. She would go back with an open mind. If she had to change her plans, so be it. Somehow, they would have to cope.