Chapter 23
FREDDIE
I pace back and forth, feeling unsettled.
Nora’s car has been here the last two nights, and I haven’t seen her once.
I know Russ said he offered for her to stay here until she found a place.
He told me last night at practice that he even went as far as to go over to Brett’s while he’s gone on some last-minute trip to help her retrieve her things.
I must admit, I’m proud of him for thinking about someone else outside of himself, for once. I know how he feels about Nora, and while I know it should anger me that my younger brother is chasing after the woman I’ve no doubt fallen in love with, I can’t say it does.
Because I told her I would give her everything if she asked for it. And if everything includes my brother…
How can I tell her no if it’s what she wants?
I’ve kept myself from waltzing down these halls to stare at her in bed, but the desire is still there.
Part of me wonders if I entered her bedroom if she would have me as she did before…
or if she would tell me to leave. I don’t want to think this is all some elaborate revenge plot to sate her anger toward my brother.
But…I would understand if it was. Not that I’d agree with it, but I would understand. Something tells me it’s not, though.
That whatever is happening between Nora and Rush, and me, and dare I say Tommy—because I saw the way he looked at her the other morning, and Rush told me apparently they’d kissed—is something that is as unprecedented as the resurgence of my desires.
Though I worry about Tommy. I’m not sure what his intentions are, but I know he’s a gentle soul and doesn’t afford trust easily to people. If this is indeed some ploy at revenge, I don’t want to see him hurt.
I could withstand the sting, and I’m certain Russ could too. We’ve felt rejection before, and though it would hurt like hell, we’d handle it.
But Tommy…
Tommy has never been with a woman, and therefore he’s not familiar with the ills of heartbreak, and I worry what it may do to him. He may never recover.
I can’t control Tommy any more than I can control Nora, and yet…it feels like I’m slipping through the cracks. Like once again, I’m not enough.
A part of me is still reeling from what happened between us the other night. I didn’t mean to show up at her brother’s, and I certainly didn’t mean for us to…
I lean against the counter, trying to dispel the thoughts, the memory.
She must think I’m a freak. A kinky asshole with a forced orgasm fetish. Maybe that’s why she hasn’t spoken to me or sought me out, even though she’s here. Maybe she’s avoiding me, because now she has seen the real me.
If that’s the case, so be it.
I will let her go, if that’s what she wants, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at her the same, knowing how I feel.
I set the coffee pot, trying to decide what to make for breakfast. Her car is still here, and it’s early, so I know she’ll have to come out eventually, and when she does, that’s exactly what I plan to tell her.
Whatever it is she wants, I will gladly give it—even if what she wants is not me.
Though I secretly hope that’s not the case. After all, I’ve got a game tonight, and I need to be focused.
I just about have all the ingredients for my frittata set out when I hear her come in. I know it’s her, because neither Russ or Tommy walk so carefully. You can hear them a mile away.
“Good morning,” I say, steeling my resolve to turn and look at her.
I notice she’s wearing one of Tommy’s anime shirts, her pale legs on display. Her hair is a mess. Her blue eyes are tired, and she freezes when she sees me.
It’s the tension in her shoulders that hits me. Like she’s afraid of me. Afraid of something I can’t begin to understand, but I don’t want her to be afraid.
I just want her to be happy.
I look at her in my kitchen, in my little brother’s T-shirt with that just-fucked hair. My heart breaks, because I knew this would happen. I knew it was too good to be true. There’s no way she’d ever want someone like me, not now that she knows my dirty secrets.
“Good morning,” she says as she carefully takes a couple steps forward.
“I hope you’re hungry,” I say, my voice not betraying the ache I truly feel. “It’s game day, so it’s always a big breakfast on game day.” I give her my back.
“Freddie…”
“Frittata with eggs, bacon, and peppers, and of course, one with Canadian bacon for Tommy because he doesn’t like regular bacon, plus we’ve got fresh fruit and—”
“Freddie…” She calls my name again, but I can’t look at her. I know if I do, I’ll crack like an egg, and then she’ll really think I’m a disaster on wheels, and I just don’t know if I can handle that. I need to focus, need to keep my head on straight, need to—
I feel her hand on my arm, and I crumble. I turn to look at her.
For a moment, it’s like the world stops. I look down at her, at her wistful blue eyes, and I’m taken back to the other night.
“Something’s wrong,” she says carefully. “Is it because I—”
“No.” I shake my head, not wanting to hear the words. “No, Nora, it’s nothing you did, baby.” My gaze drifts to her mouth. Her perfect mouth.
I know I shouldn’t kiss her. I shouldn’t reach out for her. But it appears when I’m in her presence, I’m someone else. Someone I don’t know.
I reach for her, my fingertips gently touching her cheek. I let them trace her face until I touch her lips.
I know what those lips feel like. What they taste like. But I’m not the only one who knows, am I?
Brett’s kissed this mouth probably at least a hundred times.
Russell knows just as well what she tastes like.
And Tommy does too by now, I’m sure.
But even knowing they’ve tasted what I’ve tasted…I still want it. I still want her.
“I’m sorry,” I say, my heart in my throat.
“Freddie…”
“I know what happened between us…I just want to say if you are freaked out or if that’s why you’re avoiding me…”
“Avoiding you?” she asks, surprised. “You think I’m avoiding you?”
“I don’t know what to think, Nora,” I say honestly. “I mean, I showed up at your brother’s in the middle of the night and we…” I close my eyes, the memory still too strong.
“Is that what you think?” she asks, with a sigh. I feel her hand on my hip, and I fight to grab her hand. To slip my fingers through hers.
“I know it’s fucked up,” I say carefully. “That I’m fucked up, and Russ…Tommy…” I let out a sigh. “They’re better for you than I am.”
It’s true. They are. Both of them.
“You think you know what’s best for me, is that it?” she asks, her tone turning bitter. “Daddy knows best, is that it?”
It’s the way she so casually uses my preferred name. Like it’s natural. Normal. It sounds so good on her tongue.
“Yes,” I say harshly. “Yes, Nora, is it so hard to believe that I only want what’s best for you?” I motion to my kitchen. “I told you that first morning, after I caught you with Rush—”
Her eyes widen, and I can’t help the way my voice rises.
“I told you whatever you needed, I would provide. And I’ve done that, haven’t I?”
She glares at me.
“You needed a place to stay, I gave it. You needed arms to hold you, I gave it. You needed—”
“And what about you?” she asks fiercely.
“What about me?” I bite, pushing away from her to chop my peppers.
She grabs me by the arm. “What about what you need, Freddie? You act as if this is a one-way street, as if—”
“Because it is!” I snap. I turn to her, my eyes welling because the emotional hurricane inside of me is building and I can’t stop it.
“Tell me why.”
“Hurricane.” I say the word without question and grab a pepper.
“No, Freddie Sterling, you do not get to safeword your way out of this discussion!” she says, but I don’t look at her. I can’t. If I do, I’ll crumble.
“Freddie…” Russell’s voice interrupts me and I freeze. “Nora…”
I chop my pepper as Nora steps up to me. “Tell me what’s wrong,” she says, the ache in her voice obvious. “Tell me what you need.”
“What I need, is nothing you can give me,” I tell her, but I hate myself for it.
“Bullshit, Freddie,” she says, refusing to back down. “Tell me, or I walk out this door.”
“Nora…” Russ’s voice elevates as he steps up beside her. Tommy is at my side in a moment.
I turn and bitterly say, “What are you waiting for? It’s right there.” I motion to the front door, and because I can’t help myself, overwhelmed by everything that’s happening inside me and around me, I add, “Go on and leave me like everyone else does when they see I’m not fucking worth it.”
Nora steps up to me like a challenging opponent. Without fear.
She grabs my face, and I know we’re being watched, but a part of me craves the audience.
I want to be wanted.
I want them to know she wants me.
Not Brett.
And not them.
Me.
“You listen to me, Frederick Sterling,” she says sternly. “I am not going anywhere.”
Russell’s hand on my back is a reminder we aren’t alone.
“Take it easy, Freddie,” he says.
Though I feel him and his comforting touch, all I can see is her. Nora. The woman I love, even though I know I shouldn’t.
I lean my forehead against hers as I suck in a breath. “You should,” I whisper. “You should get as far away from me as you can, Eleanor.”
Her face inches closer to mine. “That’s not what you need, Freddie,” she whispers. “You’ve given me so much, let me give you what you need too.”
“She’s right.” Russell’s voice is low. Almost a whisper.
I turn my head to look at Russ; his eyes are misty.
“Let someone take care of you for once, Fred. Don’t push her away because we both know your issue isn’t with her.”
I don’t want to acknowledge the truth.
Before I can say a word, I feel Nora pull me to her and her lips find mine. All the fight inside me dies upon that kiss. It’s like the switch has flipped once again, and I’m someone else.
I know Russell is beside me. I know he’s watching this, watching us, and the fact that he hasn’t punched me or pushed me off is as confusing as the feeling of bliss that runs through me. I kiss her back, because it’s what I need.