Chapter Twenty Theo
CHAPTER TWENTY: THEO
I was in hell, and two simple words from Vivian had damned me.
I’m pregnant.
Those haunting words kept echoing in my ears some forty-eight hours later. I couldn’t eat, and I’d barely slept. Whenever I did fall asleep, I’d have nightmares of vampire babies chasing me, sucking my blood, and eventually killing me. I didn’t have to be a Psych major to realize what the dreams symbolized.
Becoming a father would be the death of the life I knew and loved.
It wasn’t just my fear of impending fatherhood torturing me. Part of my turmoil was due to the horrible way I’d reacted to the news. I’d been an absolute and complete bastard to Vivian. My chest clenched at the thought that I had caused her pain.
With all the sex I had, there was always a small fear of pregnancy in the back of my mind. But I’d always thought that with condoms I’d be safe. Most of the girls I was with were also on birth control, so we were double-covered.
Considering Vivian’s age, I just assumed she was on birth control. I’d seriously fucked up not checking. Now we were all staring down the gun of potential fatherhood.
Not only had I fucked things up with Vivian, I’d done it with my two best friends. To say that things had been tense between me and the guys since Vivian’s pregnancy announcement two days ago would be an understatement. We hadn’t spoken since I’d stalked out. Although it was easy to stay the fuck out of their way at the house, it was harder at practice.
Yesterday, our animosity bled over into hockey practice when the two started belting pucks at me much harder than necessary. When I slammed one back at Grayson that dinged him in the helmet, he’d skated over and whacked me in the shin with his stick. Although my pads protected me, I still shoved my stick to the ice before launching myself at him.
“FIGHT!” someone shouted.
After some of the guys pulled us apart, Coach Murano came barreling up. “What the fuck is going on?” he bellowed.
Refusing to look at each other, Gray and I merely shrugged.
“In four years of coaching the two of you, I’ve never seen you go after each other.”
“I’m just stressed with the potential scouts,” I lied.
“Bullshit,” Coach barked, causing Grayson’s eyes to bulge. Jabbing his finger at us, he replied, “Knock it off and play nice, or I’ll bench you both.”
The threat of being relegated to bench-warming was all we needed
Today when I entered the weight room for my morning workout, Grayson and Bennett were already at one of the benches. At the sight of me, they glanced up. While Gray shot me a disgusted look, Bennett bobbed his head in acknowledgment.
When I turned my head and ignored him, he growled. “All right, that’s it.”
As he started over to me, Grayson said, “What the fuck, B? You’re supposed to be spotting me.”
After whirling around and quickly helping Gray ease the bar back on the rack, Bennett stalked up to me. Jabbing a finger at me, he said, “I let you wallow in your assholery for the last forty-eight hours, but I’m done. I’m done with what it’s doing to our friendship, but most of all, I’m done with you hurting Vivian.”
“Back the fuck off,” I snarled.
Bennett shook his head. “Not this time.”
Glaring at him, I asked, “What are you going to do, Bennie? Hit me again?”
“If that is what it fucking takes.”
“Then Coach will bench both of our asses,” I replied.
“So be it.”
“Don’t fuck yourself over for him,” Grayson interjected.
“Stay out of this, Gray.” As Grayson grumbled under his breath, Bennett stared into my eyes.
“Come on, Theo. Talk to me.”
At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to run away. To keep burying my feelings down and keeping my best friends at arm’s length. But I was tired of facing all this shit alone. I imagined if I was exhausted from the weight now, how the hell was I going to be feeling in another week or two? What about a month?
More than anything, I wanted to be able to commiserate with the guys and share the burden. Well, at least as much as I allowed myself to share my feelings.
Unable to bear it any longer, I blurted, “I’m fucking scared, okay.”
Grayson rolled his eyes. “No shit. So are we. Unlike you, we didn’t treat the potential mother of our child like an utter bastard.”
Bennett placed his hand on Grayson’s shoulder. “Why don’t you sit this one out?”
With a grunt, Grayson whirled away and plopped down on one of the benches. As he glowered at me, I replied, “You know better than anyone how emotionally stunted I am.”
“Yeah, well, that doesn’t excuse how you hurt Vivian.”
“It’s all about her now, huh?” I asked, more out of curiosity than accusation.
Bennett nodded. “You’re damn right it is. Vivian and her baby.”
“Her baby that is one of ours,” Grayson replied.
I decided to ask the question that had been at the forefront of my mind. One that was based more on jealousy than concern. “So, are you guys like together with her now?”
“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” Grayson replied, a wild gleam in his eye.
“Gray,” Bennett warned, to which Grayson shook his head.
“No. I’m not letting him do a pissing contest about Vivian.” He rose off the bench to stand in front of me. “You walked away from her, remember?”
“I’m aware of that.”
“Then you don’t get to be jealous that we’re with her.”
I glanced between him and Bennett. “It’s barely been forty-eight hours, and you guys are already in a relationship with Vivian?”
Bennett shook his head. “If you’re asking if we’re a couple or a throuple or whatever the hell it is, no, we’re not. We’ve just let Vivian know we both want to date her and help with the baby.”
“But just so you know, the three of us fucked,” Grayson sneered.
At the possessive clench of agony in my chest, Bennett shoved Grayson. “Watch the way you talk about Vivian. Especially when you’re just doing it as a pissing contest.”
To my surprise, Grayson’s expression softened. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that.” Giving me a pointed look, he added, “Unlike some people, I don’t want to do anything to hurt her.”
“Neither do I.”
“Yeah, well, it’s too fucking late for that,” Grayson countered.
Shaking my head, I replied, “Not if I can make it right.”
“What do you mean?” Bennett asked.
“I know I was wrong for what I said and did, and I want Vivian to know what.” After exhaling a ragged breath, I replied, “I just want to apologize and beg for her forgiveness.”
Both Grayson’s and Bennett’s eyes shot wide. “You do?”
“Yeah, I do. I just don’t know how.”
“I think you were on the right track suggesting an apology.”
“Do you think she’d read my texts?”
While Grayson snickered, Bennett slowly shook his head back and forth. “To be such an intelligent person, you sure can be an idiot.”
“What’s wrong with texting her?”
“Theo, after what you said and did, you can’t possibly think a text would be sufficient enough to show your regret,” Bennett reasoned.
Nodding, Grayson argued, “Considering you called her a whore, you need to rent a plane and sky write an apology.”
“Not helping,” Bennett grunted.
Grayson snorted. “Dude, he needs some tough love.”
I held up my hands. “Okay, okay, I get it. I’m a fucking idiot when it comes to matters of the heart.”
“You can say that again,” Grayson mused.
After shooting him a look, I turned to Bennett. “Will you help me?”
He stared intently at me. Almost too intently. It was like his eyes were peeling away my carefully constructed armor. “I have to know that you sincerely want to make things right, not just because you’re jealous or possessive.”
“I do.”
Apparently, I answered too quickly because Bennett shook his head. “Words are easy, Theo. You’re going to have to put up some emotional collateral for me to believe you.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No. I’m not.”
“This is bullshit.”
“That.” He jabbed a finger at me. “That right there is why I don’t want to help you.”
“My anger.”
“Exactly. While it may serve you well as a goalie, it doesn’t do shit for you in life.”
“And what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?”
“Get some help.”
His words had the same effect as someone dousing me with an icy bucket of water. Oh no. I couldn’t do that.
I was a Novak.
We believed in pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps, not pussying out and whining on some therapist’s couch. My father would lose his mind if he knew I’d done such a thing.
I could hear his voice now. “My parents left everything they knew to come to America and start over. They were like fucking aristocrats in Czechoslovakia. Do you know how they were treated here? Like scum. Dirty immigrant scum. And you want to whine about your problems?”
Drawing my shoulders back, I sneered, “You know, I can apologize to Vivian without you.”
“But you might not get anything else with her if you don’t have us on your side,” Bennett challenged.
“Why are you being suck a prick about this?” I demanded.
“I’m pretty sure I could ask you the same thing.”
After staring him down for a minute, I jerked a hand through my hair. “Fine. I can ask Coach to recommend someone who works with athletes. It’ll make sense to him after my shoving match yesterday.”
“Just don’t have him suggest for me to go,” Grayson replied.
While I flipped him off, Bennett nodded. “All right. Let’s figure out how to dig you out of your grave.”
Once I had my story straight with Bennett’s help, I didn’t bother changing out of my workout clothes. Instead, I hauled ass over to the library. When I swept inside, my eyes began rapidly scanning the crowd for Vivian. Irritation buzzed in my ears when I didn’t immediately see her. After taking a lap around the main room and peeking between the stacks, I still couldn’t find her.
Fuck. Had Bennett lied to me when he said she was working tonight? If he was putting me through some sort of test to prove my feelings, I was going to throttle him.
With a grunt of frustration, I finally bit the bullet and started over to the main desk. To my dismay, a coed with jacked-up cleavage was the only one in sight. At the sight of me, her eyes lit up. “Can I help you?” she practically purred.
“Yeah, I need to talk to Vivian.”
Her brows furrowed. “Vivian Whitlock?”
“That’s the one.”
With an expression of disdain, she said, “What could you possibly want with her?”
I narrowed my eyes. “That’s none of your business.”
She rolled her eyes. “She’s in the Special Collections room.”
“Where the hell is that?”
“Downstairs.”
“Thanks. You’ve been so helpful,” I retorted.
After making my way to the elevator, I rode it to the bottom floor. When I got off, I glanced left and right. Okay, no Special Collections room. Just when I thought the coed had been fucking with me, I saw a sign at the far end of the hallway.
Jesus, it was back away from everything.
The door to the room was open. After stepping inside, I didn’t initially see Vivian in the vast shelves. Then I craned my neck and saw her.
She was on one of those antique-looking sliding ladders like you might see in a movie. When I cleared my throat, she whirled around. Her surprise at the sight of me was evident on her face but then was amplified when she lost her balance on the ladder. Shrieking, the books in her arms fell to the ground as she tried to stop herself from falling.
Rushing forward, I swept her into my arms. My chest clenched at the feel of her soft curves against me and the sweet smell of her perfume in my nose. For what felt like a small eternity, we stayed stock still, staring into each other’s eyes.
I broke the spell by immediately sticking my foot in my mouth. “What the hell were you thinking being on a ladder in your condition?”
Vivian blinked at me. “Excuse me?”
“What if I hadn’t been here and you’d fallen? You could’ve hurt the baby.”
Her green eyes narrowed to fury-filled slits. “Oh, now you care? Two days ago, you were advocating for me to get an abortion.”
I grimaced. “I know. I was so fucking wrong for saying that to you, and more than anything in the world, I wish I could take it back.”
Vivian stared up at me. After another small eternity passed, she cleared her throat. “Can you put me down?”
Nodding, I replied, “Right. Yeah. Of course.”
Once I eased her gently onto her feet and reluctantly let her go, Vivian gave me an expectant look. “What are you doing here, Theo?”
“I needed to see you.”
Her brows furrowed. “Really?”
“But besides wanting to see you, I wanted to say I’m very sorry for reacting the way I did.”
Vivian’s mouth gaped open. “You are?”
With a nod, I replied, “There aren’t words to express how sorry I feel for the horrible things I said to you.”
Eyeing me suspiciously, Vivian asked, “Did Bennett or Grayson put you up to this?”
I threw up my hands in frustration. “Why is it so hard for you to believe that I’m here of my own volition because I truly feel bad for how things went down with us.”
“You hurt me, Theo,” she replied softly.
I exhaled a ragged breath. “I know I did. And I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it back.” Shaking my head, I said, “I seriously don’t know why I reacted like I did.”
“I think you do.”
“Excuse me?”
“Isn’t there a part of you that thought I might’ve gotten pregnant on purpose? Or that I tried to get pregnant by you since you might be getting drafted?”
Grimacing, I replied, “Fuck. Did I say something like that?”
Vivian nodded. “Among other hurtful things.”
“Maybe there was some truth to what you said before. Maybe there was a part of me that felt like you had gotten pregnant on purpose.” Shaking my head, I said, “Considering your reaction to the news, I realize there’s no way you could’ve possibly been trying to get pregnant by me or the others.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“I’m glad you can see that. I can assure you that regardless of my age, I certainly wasn’t looking to become a mom. Not with one of you guys or anyone else for that matter.”
“I see that now.”
“I hope so.”
After a painful jerk of my hair, I sighed. “I don’t know what to say except I’m sorry. Really and truly fucking sorry.”
Vivian leaned back against the shelves. “While the words are nice, it’s going to take some time and some actions on your part for me to truly forgive and trust you again.”
Although my chest clenched, I nodded. “I understand. Considering I was afraid you might not even speak to me ever again, I appreciate you giving me the time. And whatever you feel you need from me, just let me know, and I’ll do it.”
After swallowing hard, I said, “In the end, I know this isn’t just about you and me. There’s a baby in the mix as well. Not to mention my two best friends. To ensure that I make this right, I’m going to see a therapist.”
Vivian’s expression was truly shocked. “You are?”
“Yes, I am.” With a small smile, I said, “With true transparency, the therapy thing was Bennett’s suggestion.”
“So, they did have a part in this?”
“Sort of. I mean, I had to make things right with them as well.”
Cocking her brows, Vivian asked, “You seem truly repentant. Can I ask what brought on this change?”
“You mean besides being utterly miserable the past two days?”
She gave me a shy smile. “Yes.”
“Bennett cornered me in the weight room.”
Her emerald eyes popped wide in horror. “He didn’t hit you again, did he?”
I laughed. “Not with his hands but with the truth.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Both on and off the ice, I’m nothing without him and Grayson. Like Grayson said the other night, we’re all in this together.”
“Until the paternity test comes back?”
Shaking my head, I countered, “Even beyond that.”
Vivian blinked at me in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“If I’m not the father, one of my boys is. That means I’m going to step up and help him be the best damn father he can be.”
“You’re serious?”
“Absolutely.”
“But you said you hate children.”
“I do.” At Vivian’s horrified gasp, I laughed. “But those kids weren’t a part of one of my best buds. That makes a hell of a difference.”
“And what if it’s your child, Theo?” she questioned softly.
I collapsed back against the shelf opposite Vivian. “I don’t fucking know.”
She sucked in a harsh breath. “Seriously, Theo? You just said you would step up and help the other guys. Why wouldn’t you do that with your child?”
“Because it’s a lot easier to help out with a kid than to be its father. It’s like being a grandparent and playing and having fun with your grandchild and then giving them back to their parents to take care of. Where I am in life plays a big part in that.”
Vivian’s expression became concerned. “When you mentioned you lashed out at me out of fear, was it just because of what it might do to your prospects?”
Fuck. She would have to go and ask me something like that. I knew moving forward I would have to be honest with her, and that meant answering her question.
Dropping my shoulders, I exhaled a pained breath. “It was about the NHL, but not like you think.”
Vivian took a tentative step towards me. “What do you mean?”
“It’s just my parents…they aren’t like yours and Gray’s. Sometimes I think they’re as bad as B’s dad.”
“Oh, Theo, I’m so sorry.” She reached out to rub my shoulder. “How are they bad?”
“The word success is a double-edged sword in my life. Both my mom and my dad were extremely successful when they met each other. Their marriage was based on mutual success and how far their partnership could elevate them individually.”
As my chest tightened, I sucked in a harsh breath. Giving Vivian a wry smile, I said, “Neither of them wanted kids. The only reason they had me is because the head of the firm told them it would look good for their careers. You know, model family and all that bullshit. So they had me only to get further promotions.”
Vivian’s green eyes swelled with sadness. “Did they tell you that?”
“Deep down, it was always something I wondered about. When I was sixteen, I blew out my knee, and it looked like my hockey prospects might be over. My dad was drinking, and it just kinda came out. It was then I knew that their love and support were conditional on my success.”
Horror radiated on Vivian’s face. “Oh Theo,” Vivian murmured.
“Hopefully now you can see why I reacted the way I did. Knocking a woman up at twenty-three would be the biggest failure imaginable to them. Throw in the fact that it happened during a foursome, and they’d probably disown me.”
“You are so much more than your parents’ false opinion of you.” She cupped my cheek. “You are an extremely intelligent young man who is also a gifted athlete. If you’re a father at twenty-three, it will not result in your failure. You have a lot to give the world both on and off the ice.”
As I stared into Vivian’s eyes, truth radiated in them. “But you don’t even know me,” I argued.
“I know enough.”
Pinching my eyes shut, I said, “But how can you say that to me after the way I treated you?”
“Because now I understand all that vitriol was coming from a place of extreme hurt and vulnerability.”
I popped my eyes open. “I think you’re too forgiving.”
“Oh, Theo,” she murmured, before drawing me into her arms.
The minute I was in Vivian’s embrace all the anxious voices in my head quieted. Closing my eyes, I dipped my head to bury my nose in her hair. As I inhaled the sweet scent, a shudder went through me. Man, I’d missed that scent. Even though I hadn’t had long to get used to it, I’d know it anywhere. It was so uniquely Vivian.
Everything about her felt right. The pillowing of her breasts against my chest. Her smooth skin against mine. The soft curves of her body against my muscular ones.
As I thought about kissing my way up her neck, I shook my head. “I should go.”
“Why?”
“Because if I keep touching you like this, I’m going to fuck everything up between us by making a move.”
“I assume Bennett or Grayson explained what we were exploring.”
Nodding, I replied, “They did.”
“What did you think about that?”
“I was jealous.”
She cocked her brows at me. “Because you didn’t want them to have me or because you wanted me?”
“Both,” I laughed.
“Do you want me, Theo?”
“I do.”
“All of me? This baby and what life that brings?”
Did I truly want that? After having my life turned upside down less than forty-eight hours ago, I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. What if I changed my mind? What if finding out the baby was mine caused me to freak out and then flake out?
Stop it!
“I do want you, but I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Fucking up again.”
Vivian smiled. “I think it’s a guarantee that’s going to happen.”
“Thanks a lot,” I grumbled.
“I would say the same thing about Bennett and Grayson. And even myself. No one is perfect.”
“I hope you’ll remember that in the coming weeks and months.”
“I will.”
When I started to pull away, Vivian grabbed the back of my head and pulled it down to hers. “Kiss me,” she commanded.
My lips quirked. “Once again, I see you’re forgetting who is in charge.”
Her mouth turned down into a pout. “Seriously, Theo?”
“Look, I just got back on the guys’ good side. The last thing I need to do is fuck it up by fucking you without them.”
“I suppose you have a point.”
Glancing around the room, I searched for a camera. “Besides, we wouldn’t want to get caught on the kiss cam, would we?”
Vivian’s face flushed. “No. We wouldn’t.
“Will I see you after work?”
“Tomorrow.”
I frowned. “Why not tonight?”
“Because I’m seeing the guys tomorrow, so I’ll see you, too.”
“Whatever.”
As I walked to the door, Vivian said, “Oh, Grumpy?” When I turned around, she smiled. “Don’t think all is forgiven. I still intend for you to pay a little more and grovel.”
Once again, I merely replied, “Whatever.”