22. Declan
22
DECLAN
W atching him rush onto that plane was the weirdest experience. I thought it would be the same as watching my family members deploy, but yeah, that was a big fat negatory.
It was nowhere near the same.
Not watching him leave and definitely not waiting to hear from him. I didn’t even have an address to send him a letter.
With the lack of incoming communication, which I knew was a thing, I added news alerts to my phone for anything Marine Corps-related. My phone popped off regularly, but it was never about Hayden or his unit.
One would think I’d be less of a worrywart. There were multiple Navy SEALs in the family, plus a Navy pilot, and Walker had been a Marine Raider. I should be used to this life. But there was something the non-military folks didn’t realize. At least, I didn’t think they realized it. I had worked in the private military sector for way too long not to know that no news didn’t always mean good news. It could mean good news, of course it could, but it could also very well mean really fucking bad news.
I tried not to hound Walker. I really did, but he was my only point of contact. Most of my military contacts were Army-related due to being on the bases in Iraq and Afghanistan so often at the end of the War on Terror. I did have a few SOCOM buddies, thanks to Adam, Brock, Foster, and Uncle Matthew being on the teams. But I couldn’t call on them unless I wanted to divulge I’d hitched myself to a Recon Marine in a drugged and drunken wedding—Vegas-style.
Yeah, that was a no-go.
So, I waited and worried, sitting in my favorite spot on the patio overlooking the pool and the Pacific beyond the strip of manicured lawn. This chair, the chaos of my mind, and the view beyond was where I wallowed. I’d even turned down assignments because no one needed a distracted bodyguard.
“You’re a fucking mess, kid.”
A scowl painted my face when I turned to look at the interloper. Walker leaned against one of the glass panels in the large opening between the house and the patio. I’d been home alone when I came out here, so I’d pushed the doors all the way open so I could hear the music playing in the house.
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Well, you’re probably right. I’ve never been on this side of things, but Lillian, Julie, and Mama have. And if you want the gay contingent to turn to, then call Adam and Brock. They’ve both been where you’re at. Brock got forced stateside after Adam was captured, and after he was rescued, Adam sat at home several times while Brock got sent outside the wire.”
I gazed back out over the pool to the beach beyond. I didn’t understand why someone would pay for a pool when the beach was literally your backyard. Especially when the pool was a saltwater pool. It was wasteful, if you asked me.
“Why the hell do we have a pool?” I asked.
“Because Daddy spoils Mama, you know that, but he worries. She loves the water. Always has. She still swims daily, but she isn’t the strongest open-water swimmer. So, Daddy bought a beach house and put in a pool. That way, when he was deployed, he wasn’t imagining her drowning in the ocean.”
“So, she didn’t get in the ocean when he was gone?”
Walker burst out laughing. “If that’s what you think, you don’t know Vivian Holt very well.”
I smirked. I loved Aunt Viv. She was a firecracker. A perfect example of a modern southern belle, but rile her up, and she’d let loose a hellstorm the likes of which would make demons cower.
“The pool was peace of mind. Daddy’s job was to protect a nation and the world from evil, but to do so, he had to leave his family unprotected.”
“I wouldn’t say y’all were unprotected. Aunt Viv is badass.”
“She is. Daddy made sure of it. She can move like a trained operator and shoot better than some snipers I know, but that doesn’t mean Daddy didn’t feel guilty for not fulfilling his duty as a husband and father.”
“Yeah, I can see that.”
“Have you heard from him?”
I shook my head, taking a pull from the beer bottle.
“And you’re worried…”
I tilted the mouth of the beer bottle at him in agreement.
“You realize…”
“Yeah, I do, but it’s been a week of radio silence. They shipped them out like there was some huge crisis somewhere, yet there’s nothing on the news.”
Walker sat a bucket of beer on the table before me. He cleaned up all the empties before coming back. He pulled out a chair and sat a couple of glasses and an enormously large bottle of whiskey between us.
“Is this where the party is?”
My head swiveled. Brock’s large frame strode through the house, followed by Adam. Looking back at Walker, I asked, “What did you do?”
“I did what needed to be done. You need a support group. Since I know you won’t reach out to the FRG, I’m creating you one of your own with people you already know and trust.”
Brock pulled me out of my chair and wrapped me in his arms. “Doing this on your own… Yeah, not smart. There’s nothing forcing you to hide, so cut that shit out and lean on us, brother. We’re here for your stupid ass, even if you did saddle us with another jarhead.”
He pushed me out of his embrace, holding me at arm’s length, his eyes cataloging my features. He nodded, smacked the side of my face, then moved to a chair at the patio table that had been my home lately.
Adam stopped next to me. He was the strong, silent type. We’d gotten close during the years I worked alongside him and Brock. They’d taught me so freaking much, and I envied them their relationship.
“I’m not going to bust your chops, but this burden isn’t one you can bear on your own. You have to surround yourself with people who know what it’s like to live it. If you aren’t reaching out, expect Brock and me to show up at the door. The doc, too. Margot had a swim meet this weekend, or he’d be here.”
My lips twitched at the pride I heard in Adam’s voice. He loved his buddy Carson and Roman’s little girl like she was his own. When Adam and Brock came to live in Texas after joining Holt, Margot had become a regular visitor to the ranch.
“How’s she doing?”
“Kicking ass and taking names, as always.”
I smiled but didn’t need a mirror to tell it was half-hearted at best.
Adam pulled me aside and stood in front of me. His legs spread, and his arms folded across his chest. He was nearly half a foot shorter than me, but he had big dick energy going for him, and his presence took up much more space than his physical appearance did.
“You don’t have to hide like we did back in the day, so don’t. It’s difficult being the one sitting at home waiting and worrying. Fucking Brock outed us to the team because he was trying to hold his shit together on his own. Luckily, the guys we served with didn’t care how or who a person got their rocks off with, and we didn’t get booted out of the service. What I’m saying is call. When the stress gets to you, or you’re pacing the house in the middle of the night because the nightmares won’t leave you be, you pick up the damn phone. Any one of us will take that call no matter what time it comes in.”
My throat thickened, and my eyes and nose caught fire. Knowing I would be able to respond without letting him on to how touched I was, I gripped his arm, squeezing it.
“Damn, dude, you might need to lay off the iron,” I joked to further cover up the turn my emotions took.
Adam glanced over his shoulder where Brock and Walker sat, laughing like a couple of hyenas. “Fuck that. I gotta hold my own. Like you, I wrapped myself up with a brute who needs manhandling.”
I burst out laughing. “You ain’t wrong, brother. Sometimes the big brutes need reminding they can get tossed around, too.”
We sat around shooting the shit and getting drunk off our asses the rest of the day. Heidi and Linc joined us at one point, bringing with them food from what had to be every one of my favorite places to eat. When the food was consumed, they were all fat and happy, while I was fat and miserable.
The cards came out. Poker was a family pastime. We were raised on our parents’ laps at the card table. It wasn’t a Holt family gathering without someone bringing out a deck of cards or ten. What could I say? We’re a big family.
Most of the family were card sharks. There were three Holts, though, that no one would play against. And I sat at the table with two of the three, and the other was long dead.
Hand after hand, and as usual, watching Walker and Heidi play cards was like watching a couple of pros on ESPN. Neither of them showed any emotion. Their faces were as blank as a dead man’s. With Walker’s years as a Marine and Heidi’s psychology degree, and the training she’d gone through to be an interrogator for Holt, I knew they’d be trading chips for a while. I wasn’t feeling it, so I waved them off when they dealt the next hand.
We never played for cash when it was just family and friends. So it wasn’t like I was worried about losing cash. The years of the family making their fortune over a deck of cards died out with the Grandpappy, who won the ranch in a game of poker.
I moved away from the table to one of the lounge chairs with a bottle of whiskey and settled in, leaning back into the cushions. I closed my eyes and took a swig straight from the bottle when Linc’s voice broke the silence.
“Hide and I got you something.”
One eyelid raised, and I looked at him with a brow cocked, but I didn’t say anything.
“Well, Hide and I got it, but it was a concerted effort since Walker didn’t want to call his buddies for information.”
“Okay.” Now, he had my interest, especially since Walker had asked me if I had heard from him.
“Here’s the hubby’s email address and address on the ship. We figured y’all hadn’t had the chance to share those things since he got called out right after y’all got back from the impromptu wedding and mini honeymoon.”
My eyes fell from his face to the paper he held out to me. I reached for it, but he snatched it away. “But I’m not going to let you have it until tomorrow. After you’ve sobered up.”
“Fucker.”
“Takes one to know one, cuz.”