36. Declan
36
DECLAN
I watched for him at the door with Walker’s gaze boring into my back. I did my best to put his admonishments out of my mind. I didn’t want to think about it. Especially not when he left in less than forty-eight hours.
“Declan…”
“Don’t start. He leaves in two days. I’m not throwing this at him before he leaves for six months.”
“Hayden deserves…”
“Fucking stop, Walker. Just fucking shut up. I’ve had it up to my fucking eyeballs with your admonishments and harping. Fuck you’re worse than an old man bitchin’ about the weather. Hayden is my spouse. Not yours. Don’t presume to tell me what I should do or what he deserves again. Do you understand?”
“The two of you are good together, and if I were you…”
My voice rose to levels I don’t remember it ever getting to as I screamed, “But you’re not me, goddammit! You’re not me! And I know Hayden and I are good together. You think I don’t know that? I love him, dammit. I love him so fucking much, but he was hurt by someone badly, and it colored his opinion of wealthy people. I’m fucking petrified. Do you get that? I’m fucking petrified I’m going to lose him, Walker.”
He came to me and wrapped me in his arms while I fought off the emotion clogging my throat.
“I’m so scared, not just because of what I’ve not told him, but because of his job. I don’t know how Lillian, Julie, and Aunt Viv did it all those years.”
“They leaned on each other and the other wives.”
“But I’m not a wife.”
“No, but Hayden’s not the only gay Marine, so you need to find your tribe. The family will be here for you. All you have to do is reach out to us, but another man whose spouse is forward deployed or on a float in the middle of the ocean, and the only way to communicate is through email, you need that person to turn to because it is scary. Lord knows, I know how dangerous the job is. I didn’t think I would recover from the injuries I suffered that last time. What you have to remember… it’s not just his job. It’s a calling. He’ll be a Marine for the rest of his life, whether he’s actively serving or not. That pull to serve… the hero mentality will always be there, but so will the training. He is trained, well trained.”
“So were you.”
“Yes, and training doesn’t alleviate the risk; it just lessens it by preparing you to respond to a threat with strategic thinking and muscle memory. Same as you. You know the training because, for the most part, all the employees at Holt Securities have gone through a similar training program.”
I sighed. He was right. I knew the training.
“I swear, falling for this man turned me into a whiny, wimpy, fraidy cat.”
“Fraidy cat? Really?”
My retort was cut off by music and the roar of a muscle car. The sound made its way up the street, letting me know he’d arrived. I opened the door and stepped out on the porch. Hayden sat in the car looking at the house, and I knew what he was thinking. Then, he mouthed something, and I sighed. He was so close to figuring it out for himself.
“You gonna sit in the car all night?” I yelled at him, and his gaze swung to me.
Smiling at him, I waved him toward the house. He smiled in return before pulling out the stuff he’d loaded in his trunk. He climbed the wide, deep treads of the porch steps, stopping before reaching the top. He pulled me into his embrace, and I sighed as his long, strong arms wrapped around me, squeezing me to his body. I tucked my face into his neck and let myself just be.
Everything was right in my world whenever he held me. I loved everything about being in his arms. He quieted my mind, settled any anxiety I felt in the moment, and I felt loved beyond measure.
“You okay, carin??”
“I will be. I’m just not looking forward to you being deployed.”
“I know. I’m not as excited about this deployment as I usually am.”
“Well, I’m not spending the last two nights I have with you down in the mouth. I want to enjoy our time together.”
He smiled, picked me up, and kissed me senseless before putting me back on my feet. “I’m starving. Let’s find some food.”
Excitement filled me as I pulled him into the house behind me. “I’ve got that handled. We have steaks, lobster, and shrimp ready to go on the grill. Heidi made fiesta corn salad. I roasted some Brussels sprouts and mashed potatoes.”
“Fuck me, I’m going to miss your cooking.”
“That was always the part of a deployment I hated,” Walker said, coming from the back of the house.
“Yes. The food is so damn bad. We are scheduled to make port in Australia, which means we’ll get some good food there. And I’m hoping for a stop in Okinawa. I love authentic Japanese cuisine. Shabu Shabu and Gyoza are my go-tos,” Hayden said.
“Good choices. I’m a sushi man,” Walker said, then laughed when I made a face. “That one isn’t a sushi fan. He bitches every time one of us eats it in front of him.”
Hayden stepped behind me, pressing his chest to my back and wrapping me in his arms. “It’s alright, carin?. I’m not a fan of sushi, either. Food should be cooked.”
“Yes! Cavemen discovered fire for a reason.”
Walker shook his head and laughed. “For heat, kid. For heat.” He paused, giving me a look. “The rest of us are going to get out of your hair. You guys enjoy yourselves.” Then he looked at Hayden, “I’m going to assume you have duty tomorrow as usual?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Well, if I don’t see you before you leave, take care of yourself, and we’ll talk when you come home.”
“Yes, sir. I look forward to it.”
Walker pulled a business card from his pocket and handed it to Hayden. “If you want to bitch about deployments with someone who’s been there, feel free to email me.”
“Thank you, Colonel.”
“It’s just Walker. You’re family, Sergeant.”
Hayden laughed, and I rolled my eyes at the two of them.
Walker patted my shoulder and called, “Heidi! Linc! Let’s move out!”
Heidi breezed in from the patio, with Linc strolling in behind her. He headed to the door, but she stopped at the television and turned on my favorite playlist. She waved with a smile as she said, “Bye, you two!”
The front door opened and closed, and I let my head drop back on Hayden’s shoulder as we stood alone in the living room. If he wasn’t deploying, this would be the perfect time to explain, but I didn’t want that hanging over his head for six or nine months, or however long he was gone.
“They didn’t have to leave.”
I turned around to stare up into his eyes. I loved how dark they were. There were times when you could barely tell the difference between his irises and pupils, but that wasn’t the case right now. Now they were like molten, dark chocolate, the color so vibrant it was like staring into one of those fancy chocolate fountains.
“I’m not sure why they did. The only reason I had you come here was because we were going to game plan before the meeting with the client tomorrow.”
“Well, let’s not waste the gift of a night in the lap of luxury. C’mon. You grab the food, I’ll grab the drinks, and then maybe, after dinner, I can fuck your brains out in the pool.”
“This house is under 24-hour surveillance in the common areas and the exterior. There’s no fucking way I’m giving my family that kind of show.”
“Spoilsport.”
The rest of the evening was the stuff dreams were made from. Or it would’ve been if it weren’t for the fast-approaching deployment and the secret I was hiding. We cooked and ate and drank. We did cutesy shit, like feeding each other things, cutting up, and laughing at the mess we made, either accidentally or on purpose.
Long before the sun set, we curled up on the double lounge chair by the pool and were still there when the sunset. Some of the time, we chattered our heads off, and others, it was deathly silent, both of us lost in thought yet not wanting to speak of whatever was on our minds.
Somewhere, in the midst of one of those moments of silence, I must’ve dozed off because the next time my eyes opened, I was greeted by the night sky and my husband dressed for another day of hero’s work.
“We crashed last night,” he whispered, leaning over me with his arms braced on either side of my head.
I nodded, crushed I missed out on some of his last hours with me. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
A kiss brushed my lips, and I tried to keep locked in it, but he pulled away, threading his fingers through my hair. “Don’t be. It was one of the best nights of my life.”
“Mine, too.”
“I left the pre-deployment paperwork on the kitchen counter. I’ll meet you back at the apartment after work unless you tell me otherwise.”
I took a deep breath and nodded. “I’ll take care of the paperwork. We have a meeting with the clients from hell at some point today. Based on past experience, it will start anywhere from half an hour to an hour after it’s supposed to. I hope it’s settled before you’re off work, but if not, you could come here, and we could go home together.”
“Sounds good, carin?. I love you.”
Tears burned my eyes and nose, clogging my throat. “I love you, too. Now get out of here before you make me cry.”
His chin trembled as he leaned in to kiss me again, and I realized he wasn’t faring any better than I was. Our lips pressed together softly, and a shuddered breath I didn’t give permission escaped me as he pulled back.
“I’ll see you this afternoon, mi carin?,” he said, pulling away and surging to his feet.
He turned and walked away without a backward glance. I couldn’t blame him, nor did I want him to look back, because the moment his back was turned, tears rolled down my face, and I was moments from completely losing it.
I stared at the back of the house, watching where he had disappeared for I don’t know how long. I was still sitting there, my face burning and itchy from dried tears that left my face feeling crusty when my family returned.
I heard their cars pull in and shut off. Then, the doors opened and closed, their voices filling the air. I tried to convince myself to sneak into the side entrance so they wouldn’t find me looking like a depressed mess, but I couldn’t be bothered. I wanted to sit here and wait for his return. I couldn’t, but I wanted to.
The patio doors slid open, and Linc’s voice pierced my solitude. “Dude… isn’t that what you wore last night?” he asked.
A moment later, a thud followed by a grunt, and I knew what happened. Heidi had whacked him in the gut like she had more times than any of us could count, and she whispered, “Shut. Up.”
I looked toward them, unable to meet their gazes because I knew the concerned looks I’d find there, and I knew what little control I had over my emotional state would disintegrate into nothingness. Swallowing, I scrubbed my hands over my face and into my hair several times before standing.
“Nah. He’s right. I’m being ridiculous. Hayden’s a Marine. I knew it when we hooked up, and even though I’m not a fan of the military and all the shit they put their members and families through, I continued pursuing a relationship with him. Now, I’m too far gone to walk away, marriage or not, so I’m gonna need to learn to deal.”
A heavy sigh filled my chest, and I painted what I hoped was a smile on my face, but one look at my cousins told me it was probably closer to a grimace, but oh well.
“Imma get showered and changed.”
I glanced around the backyard, nodding as I left them standing outside. Thankfully, Hayden insisted we clean up last night so I wouldn’t have to deal with it this morning because I didn’t think I could.
After a shower and some food, I took my phone and laptop out to the patio. Before doing anything else, I messaged Hayden.
Declan
I love you, Papi. Have a good day. I’m up, finally, but not in the way I’d like to be.
Not expecting a response at this time of day, I set my phone to the side for the information Cato had sent over. The dude had been working as a white hat hacker for Holt for years. And he was seriously fucking scary when it came to finding out shit people didn’t want to get out.
When I arrived here yesterday, I’d asked him to gather information about Mara Cagot’s parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents. I wanted to know every connection they had in Washington. I didn’t care how insignificant. With her dad, Marcel, the petty, petulant pussy working to defund several Holt projects, projects that would protect our warfighters and my husband, I needed to know where he was weakest.
Several hours later, my blood ran cold, and my stomach turned.
Oh, fuck!