13. Declan
13
DECLAN
W hen Marcie rushed out of the dining room, I caught the chair she’d been sitting in before it smacked the ground.
“Good job, dipshit.”
“If Linc were here…”
I turned toward Heidi and smiled. “He’d tell me to quit talking to myself before I got myself committed.”
“It’s strange he doesn’t have that ongoing inner monologue, right?
“Very strange. I miss him.”
“Same, but he’s protecting the most important person in the world. To him at least.”
I nodded, my thoughts immediately going to Hayden. As they always did when someone spoke about their person or people. After all this time, I didn’t expect that to change, so when my eyes gazed at the spot where I last saw Marcie, it took me by surprise.
Hayden was my husband. I loved him. He consumed me. And, yes, I’d once suggested we open things up so that a third person could meet our needs more fully, but I didn’t believe we’d find them. I hoped, yes. But looking at Marcie, I could see it. Clear as day. I didn’t even need to close my eyes to see it.
She was freaking gorgeous, but not supermodel beautiful, which I wasn’t the least bit attracted to, but beautiful in a real way. The way that made me think of the house I just finished. The one I’d built for Hayden, not that he’d ever see it, but yeah. I pictured her at the kitchen island, curled up in the corner of the sofa reading—if she read—or better yet, curled around my side in the big ass bed I ordered to fill the bedroom that was way too big for the size of the house.
And I saw Hayden there with us.
I just didn’t know if I could make it work.
“You okay, cuz?”
Looking back at Heidi, I tried covering up the shock of seeing her there. Fuck me, now two people could distract me to the point I lost touch with reality. I glanced back at the door Marcie disappeared through and rubbed the back of my neck.
“Yeah. I’m good.”
Heidi chuckled and coughed to cover what she said, but I still heard her.
“Liar.”
I ignored her as best I could, but that didn’t stop my eyes from going back to that spot, searching for Marcie.
“You do remember you’re married, right?”
“Yes.”
The word came out in a grumble. I didn’t need a reminder that I was married. My dick hadn’t seen any action in years thanks to my husband’s stubborn refusal to speak to me or to sign the damn divorce papers. Not that I wanted him to sign them. I wanted us to work our shit out.
Another glance toward the door.
Now more than ever.
“Well, good. I thought you might need a reminder since you can’t seem to take your eyes off the pretty little thang who works for Katie.”
I clenched my teeth.
“I don’t need a reminder. I’m well aware of my situation, thank you very much.”
I stalked off before I said or did something I’d regret.
The whole family had their noses so buried in my shit I’m surprised they had the time to devote to anything else. Hayden and I were the topic of conversation in every room I entered. Or so I assumed. It was a good guess since they shut their gossipy traps as soon as I walked in.
“The doc took Hayden for a CAT scan. They should be getting back soon,” Heidi called out to me as I ducked through the door. The same one Marcie had disappeared through.
I stopped, stepped back to look at her. “Was he showing symptoms?”
Heidi shook her head no, and all the tension her words sent through me relaxed.
“Good. That’s good.”
I sighed and walked off without saying anything else. Her interference in my relationship with Hayden hurt the most because she knew me better than the rest of the family. How she could put me in this situation baffled me. A confrontation brewed under the surface between me and meddling family, but not yet. Not until I could do it without a Chernobyl-level meltdown.
I looked down at my watch, wondering how soon was soon. I dropped into a chair in the backyard that gave me a glimpse of the front drive. I didn’t even bother trying to convince myself it was a coincidence. It wasn’t. I needed to see for myself that he was okay. I’d love to know what the scan showed, but I knew better than to ask. Hayden would never tell me. I knew it like I knew how to tug my dick to get myself off quickest.
He’d proven it the last time I’d seen him.
I’d been in Vegas to meet with a client and conduct some upgrades and training at the hotel when I ran into him. He and the guys were there for one of their drinking and gambling weekends, he said. He’d look so fucking good. One thing led to another and we’d ended up fucking our brains out just like we had the first time we’d been there.
When I woke up the next morning, he stood next to the bed, getting dressed.
“Good morning.”
He grunted. That was it. All the response I got. Well, unless you counted him shaking out his pants and tugging them on.
“Are you okay?”
He stopped, stared at me, and said, “This was a mistake.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
He had to be fucking joking with this shit. I couldn’t believe he would do this again. Fuck me and kick me out. Like all I was good for was a good time, as if he got my name off a bathroom wall.
“No.”
He grabbed his shirt, pulled it over his head.
“Papi…”
“Don’t call me that.”
My mouth fell open. Rolling my lips into my mouth to hold back the emotion his rejection stirred.
“Hayden.”
“I gotta go. I have shit I need to do today. Don’t be here when I get back.”
“What’s more important than our marriage?”
“Lots of shit. For one, I need my meds.”
“Meds? What meds? Are you okay?”
“That’s none of your damn business.”
Now, he had pissed me off. He was my husband. Whether we lived together or not, we were still fucking married, and I deserved to know what meds he was on. Taking a page from his book, I went for the jugular.
“We didn’t use anything last night. Should I be worried you’ve exposed me to something? I mean, my health is my business, right, and if…”
“You didn’t use anything either. And I don’t fuck without wrapping my shit.”
“You did last night. Several times.”
“Yeah, well, you’ve always been the exception to all my rules.”
He turned away from me. His words filled me with a sad sort of glee. At least, I still owned that one privilege, even if he was fucking around.
“And it’s not that kind of medicine.”
It took me a minute to process what he said because he’d said it so low and softly.
“Hayden… are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” His phone buzzed, and he cursed. “I gotta go.”
I got up from the bed and trailed after him, trying to get him to talk to me, but he refused to even look back at me. At the door to the suite, he paused, hand on the knob. His shoulders lifted before his head turned to look at me over his shoulder. The way his eyes skimmed my naked body before he looked me in the eyes.
“Don’t be here when I get back.”
He snatched open the door and left before I could get a word out.
* * *
Gravel crunched in the driveway, yanking me from the memory. My psyche loved assaulting me with memories of all the shit that had gone wrong with mine and Hayden’s relationship. We’d both made mistakes. I just hoped that with us forced to be in the same vicinity we could use the opportunity to fix our shit.
Liam’s luxury sedan rolled to a stop. The dark-tinted windows kept me from seeing who was with him, if anyone was. Liam stepped out and waited at the front of the car as the passenger door opened and Hayden’s tall form unfolded from the front seat.
I breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of him. Now that he was back, I could admit to myself how afraid I was that he’d disappear on me like he had after leaving the hospital and again in Vegas. I had the resources to find him, but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to do so. Every time I considered it, images of seeing him happy with someone else plagued me for days and sent me on a bender that had me swearing off liquor forever. Until the next time, anyway.
I was too far from the driveway to hear what they were saying, but Hayden rounded the front of the car, and the two men turned toward it, gesturing at it. Liam’s clipped laughter drifted through the air around the house, followed by Hayden’s joyful rumble, and I smiled. I could only imagine what they’d said, but with how big Hayden was, he made the car look like a clown car, and not the sexy piece of machinery it was.
They turned toward the house, and Liam’s arm shot up in a wave when he caught sight of me. I groaned when the lighthearted, happy look on Hayden’s face disappeared when he turned to see who Liam greeted.
Hayden stood stock still, and Liam looked between us. He said something then walked off into the house, leaving Hayden standing in the driveway. Even from this distance, I could see his indecision.
When he moved again, it shocked me when he came toward me and not toward the front door. I stood because the man made me feel small enough as it was, and to have him looming over me while I sat didn’t appeal.
He stopped beyond arm’s reach and dragged his hand through his hair. I remembered how much I loved running my fingers through the longer locks when we saw each other last year in Vegas. Looking at it now, if I had to guess, I’d say he’d not cut it since.
Hayden had pulled the long, wavy, glossy, black strands back in a half bun on the back of his head, and the bottom half curled just above his shoulders. It gave him a softer appearance around his face than the badass Marine high and tight did, same as the unshaven jaw. The barely-there stubble framed his full lips, and I swallowed to suppress the sigh at the memories starring that beautiful mouth.
My eyes roamed down his body, cataloging every difference and similarity. In Vegas, I noticed he was less ripped than he had been before the accident, but today, his body was back to its mouthwatering physique that first drew my attention. I loved Hayden the man inside not the body the world saw, but damn me if the eye candy wasn’t nice.
There was one big difference that I so desperately wanted a closer look at. A tattoo peeked out from under the sleeve of the black t-shirt he wore. It was a black and gray piece with some hints of color in a few of the designs. He’d been ink-free when we were together, same with when we were in Vegas, so the tattoo was something added in the last year.
“You gonna say anything or just eye fuck me.”
“What’s to say? Every time I try talking to you, it blows up in my face.”
He made a face then said, “I’m not the one who…”
“Lied. Yes, you’ve mentioned that. Multiple times.”
His jaw popped, and as much as I wanted to continue, I wouldn’t. I’d explained what happened when everything blew up between us. I’d tried again after he came home from deployment, again when he was in the hospital, and last year in Vegas, but he kept shutting me down.
“It’s the truth. You lied, and then you walked away.”
I stared at him trying to work out what the fuck he could possibly mean by that. I hadn’t ever walked away from him.
“Are you talking about the hospital, because if so, you need to head back to the hospital for another fucking brain scan. I showed up in San Diego because you were fucking injured. I only walked out because you forced me out the door.”
“I wasn’t in a position to force anyone to do anything at the time, if you remember. Besides, what were you going to do?”
I ignored the comment about him lying in a hospital bed. I knew nothing I said would make him feel better about the injury or the loss of his military career. So, I focused on the question he asked.
“Oh I don’t fucking know? Take care of my fucking husband?”
He stared at me. “Why? We weren’t together anymore. I told you it was over, and I didn’t wanna be with you anymore.”
“Well, I wasn’t raised that way. You were gravely injured, and we were still legally married. Still are since you haven’t signed the papers.”
“You haven’t signed them either. You just left them on the table.”
“Yes, I did and since you mentioned it, for someone who doesn’t wanna be with me anymore, you certainly have a hard time keeping your dick outta my ass.”
“That was just sex.”
Those words sliced me open as cleanly as a knife.
“Don’t lie to me…”
“That’s your role, not mine.”
My teeth ached from clenching my jaw, trying to keep the conversation from escalating further. “I’m not rehashing old shit.”
“Why? Because you hate the reminder that we’re in this mess because you fucking lied?”
“We’re in this mess because you refused to listen and walked away. You wouldn’t even talk to Walker.”
“Why so he could make excuses for you to justify…”
“Explain. There is no fucking excuse for what I did. I lied. By omission, yes, but it was still a lie. I admit it, but you walked away. You refused to have a conversation. You didn’t sign the divorce papers, and we’ve been living in limbo ever since.”
“You didn’t sign the papers either.”
“Because I don’t want a divorce.”
I turned and walked away from him before I turned into a blubbering idiot in front of the man. Again.
“What do you mean you don’t want a divorce?”
I stopped, but I didn’t turn around. I took a long, deep breath and closed my eyes.
“I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. I don’t want a divorce. I want my fucking husband back. I want us to have the life we were building together.”
“Then why the fuck did I find divorce papers on the kitchen table when I got home?”
I whirled around.
“Because you said you wanted the divorce, and I love you too fucking much not to give you want you want. You told me to fucking handle it. So, I did.”
“Then why not sign them? If that’s what you thought I wanted.”
Tears I’d been fighting rolled down my face unbidden, but I ignored them. “Because I hoped… I fucking prayed you didn’t really want a divorce. That maybe, just maybe, you were only hurt, and we could eventually work things out. So, yeah, I left the papers on the table, unsigned. If you signed and returned them, I’d know you were serious. If I’d gotten them back, I would’ve signed them, then I would’ve had the attorneys file them. But you didn’t send them back. And I’ve lived on the edge of a cliff for years waiting and hoping.”
I turned back to the house, leaving him standing in the idyllic alcove behind Marion and Conrad’s home. It reminded me of something out of a movie about fairies and woodland sprites. At the back door, I paused with a hand on the handle, steadying myself for the onslaught of questions and concern.
I walked into the house, but paused when I heard Heidi’s voice.
“Do you think it’s going to work?”
“I dunno. We can only hope.”
“Lucia, you should have told him.”
“I don’t need you chewing my ass, little brother. Hayden will do it when he sees fit.”
I barged into the room, and their faces looked guilty, caught in the crosshairs. And they had been. I was fucking pissed.
“How dare you? Mine and Hayden’s marriage is none of your fucking business.”
“Deckie…”
“Heidi, I’m in no mood.” I turned to look at Foster, whose hands were in the air as if to say he was out of the mess, which didn’t shock me. He wasn’t usually a big meddler, and neither was Celeste, but Walker and Heidi? They were worse than our grandmother when it came to meddling in other people’s lives.
“Tell me what you did.”
“We just orchestrated you both being in the same spot.”
“And you expect me to believe that?”
He closed his eyes with a dip of his chin, and I sighed. That day was almost as bad as the day Hayden left me standing in the front yard at the beach house.
“It’s true. Katie’s dad mentioned bringing in someone named Hayden, and I didn’t think anything of it until he mentioned Lucia and her brother, Scott. We didn’t meet Lucia, but putting all three names together, it was too much of a coincidence.”
“When was this?”
“The night before you got here.”
“So, you could have warned me,” I said, the accusation crystal clear. I turned to Lucia. “What about you? When did you join in with the merry meddlers?”
“Last night when I got here and saw you.”
“How did you know it was me?”
“I saw the photos of you and Hayden.”
I nodded, remembering the photos I sent him during that first float. The only one where we were together together.
“And you decided it was a good idea to go along with their harebrained idea of forcing us into the same room?”
“Yes.”
I stared at her. Finally, I asked, “Are you still in love with him?”
The way her eyes widened would’ve been comical in any other situation. She cleared her throat before answering. “No. I love him as a friend. That’s all.”
Not sure if I should trust her response, I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at her. Her gaze never wavered. Satisfied, my eyes found the ceiling while contemplating what to do with the lot of them.
There wasn’t anything I could do. What they had done was done, so I shook my head. I turned to leave, only to come face-to-face with my husband.
He leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest. His face appeared carved from granite; it was so devoid of emotion.
Squeezing past him, I left the room.
And he let me go.
I didn’t know what hurt more: Him letting me leave, or my family putting me in this situation to be hurt by him again.