14. Hayden
14
HAYDEN
T he conversation followed by the confrontation… or maybe I should call a spade a spade? It was two confrontations. Whatever you call what happened a few days ago between Declan and me, and then between Declan, his family, and Lucia, ate at me.
So much so, I came out here to the sniper spot I’d scouted the first day we were here. I sat on the low wall, separating this portion of the doc’s house from the forest behind the house. But I wasn’t watching the surroundings like any trained sniper would.
No.
My gaze focused on the house as if I could locate Declan by some fictional supernatural being. I didn’t need to know where he was in the house to see him. The man lived in my damn head.
He was like a cancer. An inoperable growth inside my body that I couldn’t find or excise. I wanted him gone. I wanted him to stay. I wanted to walk away from him. I wanted him never to leave me. The push and pull of need and want tore at me.
It had since he left me lying in that damn hospital bed. And then again, when I walked away from him in Vegas because I was scared and stupid. So fucking stupid.
I stood, turning my back to the house. I had to figure this shit out. I had to decide once and for all whether I wanted to be with him or leave him behind. Both options put me in a not-so-good space. On the one hand, I loved the man. I had, from the moment my eyes met his, and I didn’t think it would ever change.
On the other hand, I fucking loathed a liar. In my whole damn life, I’d never known a reformed liar. Once they started weaving tales and picking and choosing the shit I needed to make an informed decision, they become the one thing I want to avoid at all costs.
I growling under my breath, I shoved my hands in the long, dark hair on my head, pulling at it. The hair tie I used to keep it out of my face snapped, but I paid it no mind. I had to get my shit together. And a little bit of pain could focus me like nothing else on this planet.
A door opened and closed, footsteps fell, and I sighed. I clocked them coming toward me. I turned to see who couldn’t take a hint and leave me the fuck alone. Sighing, I resigned myself to company.
Priest walked toward me, a bottle of water clasped between the knuckles of his first two fingers. When I accepted it, I wasn’t at all surprised when his hand flipped over and he held the meds only he and Angel knew about, outside of myself and my doc at the VA.
“Figured you might need these.”
“Yeah. If ever I needed crazy meds, the last few days would definitely be it.”
“Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Call yourself crazy. Needing mental health meds isn’t a bad thing. You went through some shit. You wouldn’t say that shit if you needed cancer drugs or insulin for diabetes.”
Was it any fucking wonder he was my best friend?
I popped the pills I needed and slid them into a pocket on the black tactical cargo pants I wore, but pulled them out and handed them back to Priest when he gave me a look. Normally, I would’ve reminded him that I’d been dealing with things fine, but the chaos Declan being here was a trigger I didn’t need to tease.
“So… Declan…”
Just the mention of his name unleashed a swarm of buzzing in my belly. Only it wasn’t as harmless as butterflies. More like bees. Calm, docile bees who could turn on me at any moment.
“Did you know?”
I didn’t think he did, but I had to ask.
“Fuck that. You know me better. I would’ve come out and said, ‘This is your fucking chance, get your head out of your damn ass.’ No, this is all Luce’s doing.”
“I don’t know if I should thank her or whip her ass.” I took a breath before I commented on what he said. “I don’t know if I can get my head out of my ass. Whenever he’s outta sight, I crave being with him. I want him to come back to me, but then when I see him, all I can think about is all the shit he hid from me. It’s a never-ending merry-go-round.”
“Law of Motion, dude. Be the force.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“Newton’s First Law of Motion. An object in motion stays in motion, or, on the flip side, an object at rest stays at rest unless an external force is applied. Ergo, be the force.”
I shook my head as I stared at him, and I lost it. Laughter overwhelmed my body until I doubled over, clutching my stomach.
“Ergo? What the fuck?”
“What? It’s a word. Look it up.”
He’d been a gunnery sergeant, so I knew he wasn’t stupid, but Newton and ergo had me rolling, until I snorted with laughter.
“You’re not right.”
He shrugged and said, “Yeah, I am. Now, unfuck yourself. Oh, and you need to eat something since you took your meds.”
He walked off into the forest to do a perimeter check. It was his thing. We all had quirks on how we coped with the chaos in our minds and the effects of the metric fuck ton of shit we’d seen as warfighters.
Mine was doing overwatch. Sitting back in a remote spot, gaze trained on the AO, so I knew who and what was coming or going. That’s what I told myself I was doing out here. It was a lie. It was avoidance.
Darkness descended. Voices came and went from the backyard. My stomach growled, too twisted up to eat earlier. Coming face-to-face with Jackson reminded me of Mara, who reminded me of Declan. Or maybe Jackson reminded me of Declan, who reminded me of Mara? Whatever. It didn’t matter. However it went, the lies Declan told echoed in my head. The memories assaulted me, and I couldn’t get rid of them.
All that shit churning together robbed me of my appetite earlier, but Priest was right. I had to eat. But when I glanced at my watch to see what time it was, I knew what I would find in the kitchen. Or rather, who.
Declan always ate right before he racked out for the night. I didn’t know if I could go in there and not do something stupid like fuck his brains out on the table. Because he looked good. Too fucking good.
He was tan and toned, his hair sun-streaked to a light blond like it had been the last time I saw him. I beat myself up on a daily basis for how I treated him when I was in the hospital. I tried giving myself some grace. I acted out of fear, pushing him away when all I wanted was to pull him into my arms.
The months of medical leave and the subsequent medical discharge took so much from me. I lost my career, the Corps, my family, my brothers, but none of that hurt as much as knowing I’d lost Declan for good. His words before he left the hospital room haunted me still.
“You need to go. I don’t need or want you here.”
“Hayden, be reasonable. You need someone here when they release you from the hospital.”
“They’ll send me to the rehab facility if I can’t go home on my own.”
“You’d rather be in a rehab facility than let me stay with you so you can go home?”
“Absolutely.”
“I can’t fucking believe you. You can’t possibly be serious.”
“As a heart attack. I told you we’re through, and I meant it.”
“Hayden…”
“Get out.”
“Hayden. Oh! Hey, Declan!”
He didn’t even acknowledge Priest walking into the hospital room.
“If I leave, I won’t come back. I won’t let you keep hurting me.”
“Oh, shit. I’ll let you guys talk. I’ll come back later, Hayden.”
The door closed behind Priest as Declan and I stared each other down. Our gazes locked as we both fought to figure each other out. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay, but I couldn’t trust him not to lie to me. Plus, what did I have to offer the man? I was broke in more ways than one. He was worth billions. I couldn’t even contemplate that kind of money. Was it enough for yachts and private planes? I knew it was enough for a mansion of a beach house on the California coast.
“Hayden… you promised me we’d figure out how to make this work.”
“And you told me that it would destroy us both.”
“If we didn’t figure this out! That’s what I said. If we didn’t figure it out, it would destroy us. So, let’s work it out. I fucking love you.”
“Yeah, well, I loved you too, but I draw the line at liars.”
“You’re really willing to throw away…”
“Kinky sex? A man who can’t accept he’s submissive? Yeah. I am.”
His face fell, and his chin wobbled. Tears gathered in his eyes, turning the blue-green orbs into twin pools that reminded me of the swimming pool at the beach house the last night we spent together.
With a quick nod, his lips curled into his mouth, he turned and left the room without looking back. I beat my head against the raised bed, fighting the tears burning the backs of my eyes. It rivaled the burning numbness in my legs, but nothing could touch the pain of the doctor’s words.
“Sergeant Marin, you need to prepare yourself for what could be your new normal.”
“What are you talking about? I’m gonna heal and get back to my unit.”
“I don’t see that happening, unfortunately. The fractures have caused some issues, as you know. Walking without assistance will be the goal.”
Realization hit me, and I asked, “Will I… Doc, I’m married, will I be able to… perform in other ways?”
“Recovering function sexually should happen, but it will take time, and may require some… creative thinking.”
Knowing now what I didn’t then, I hated myself for… fuck, everything.
For telling him to leave.
For not calling him back.
For not giving him a chance to explain.
For wasting what time we’d had before my life changed.
For still feeling raw and betrayed that he kept the truth from me.
For making him think it was because he wasn’t submissive enough.
For fucking everything up so many times and on so many levels.
For being too fucking piss-my-pants scared to unfuck the mess I’d made of both our lives.
Shaking my head, I headed to the house and into the kitchen. I had to eat. Otherwise, I would be puking the meds back up soon. As I walked in the back door, Lucia appeared as if she’d been waiting for me.
I was in no fucking mood, and she should’ve known that, but she pushed her luck anyway.
“I’m still not talking to you. So, you best walk the fuck away.”
Tears filled her eyes, and she turned to leave, but turned back and said, “I did it for you. You’re fucking miserable without him, and I care about my friend too much not to do everything in my power to fix things for you.”
“Let’s see how you feel when I ‘try’ to fix your life without your permission or input.”
She walked off with a nod. I made my way through the house, pausing at the door to the kitchen. Voices echoed from within, breaking up the silence of the rest of the house.
“How long have you worked for Katie?”
“Almost from the beginning.”
“What’s it like?”
“Exciting. There are never two days the same. Even if she’s just chilling on the bus or at home, we’re going through social media, making posts, talking about what’s coming up, and all the while she’s tinkering on the guitar or writing music.”
“I heard she writes all her music.”
“She does. The label tries to push her to things they think will be a hit, but she’s pretty adamant about her sound and what she puts out. So, mostly it’s all Katie all the time.”
Silverware scraping and tapping against dishware filled the air until the cute as shit girl who worked for Katie spoke again.
“So, what’s being a bodyguard like? The only one I’ve met is Danny, and well, like I said, he gave me the creeps.”
“It can be exciting as fuck and as boring as shit. Most of the time, I follow someone around while they shop or go to the gym. Other times, it’s like this. An actual threat, and while I’m always vigilant when working, times like these are super-charged from the jump.”
“Do you think you’ll be able to catch him?”
“Yes. We won’t stop until we’ve caught him.”
Unable to listen to my husband talk with the woman the way he used to speak to me, I strolled into the room and stopped short as if I hadn’t been listening at the door.
“Sorry. I’m not interrupting, am I?”
The two of them looked up at me. Their blue gazes peered at me with interest and my dick twitched in my pants.
“Not at all. Marcie and I were just getting to know each other. Weren’t we?”
My husband smiled at the girl. She couldn’t be much older than Katie and she was fucking gorgeous. When I saw her earlier, I’d noticed her immediately but damn if she didn’t flip all my switches. Other than her height. She was short as shit, but she packed a lot of hotness in that miniature package.
Her curves had curves.
Perky tits, a tiny waist, and a ass that would look so damn good with a handprint or two on it.
Glancing between her and Declan, I could see it blossoming on her ass while Declan fucked her and I shoved my dick down her throat. A groan bubbled up my throat, forcing me to clench my teeth to keep it from escaping.
Declan’s fucking chatter all those years ago about a third making our relationship work better played like a reel in my head. The man planted the seed, and it hadn’t ever left my damn mind. Nights when I missed him, I’d sit drinking when I’d been told not to because of the meds I was on, and I’d think about how it would’ve worked. What kind of woman we’d both find attractive.
And now… here she sat.
With my husband.
Who I hadn’t spoken to in a year.
Who I’d tossed out like week-old leftovers, not once, not twice, or even three times. Four fucking times I’d thrown away a chance at happiness with him.
But the two of them sat before me, a living picture of the happiness he suggested all those years ago, and I wanted to join them.
I wanted them to want me to join.
The sound of Declan clearing his throat jerked me out of my head. Our eyes met, concern etched on his face. His eyes pinched together at the outer corners.
“How’s your head?”
“Oh! Did you get hurt earlier?”
“It’s fine. And no.”
My tone came out harsher than I intended, and she dropped her gaze and muttered, “Sorry. I didn’t mean…”
Declan’s gaze bored into mine as if admonishing me, and I sighed. “You didn’t. Declan’s just a worrywart.”
“You were knocked unconscious, nearly drowned before they pulled you from the ocean, and then spent several days in a medically induced coma. It’s not being a worrywart. It’s expressing concern that you might have some issues arise after having your head shoved through a damn wall.”
Marcie’s eyes darted back and forth between Declan and me. Her mouth opened and closed several times before asking, “Have you known each other long?”
“Yes.”
“No.”
She laughed, but the sound was stilted and awkward. “Well, that’s not confusing at all.
My stomach growled, but before I could move, Declan pushed himself to his feet, grabbed a plate and utensils, and handed them to me.
“Eat.”
“Don’t get bossy, vato,” I said as I pulled out a chair to sit with my husband and a woman, who, unless I was mistaken, was interested in both of us and whom I knew I was drawn to and believed Declan was as well.
But I could be wrong. I’d been out of the dating and hookup game for a long damn time.
Avoiding their gazes, I filled my plate from the containers of food already spread across the table. I wasn’t surprised to see all the leftovers laid out like they were. When Declan lived with me, he cooked. It was his thing, and he always made too much food. After we ate, I’d do the clean up while Declan boxed up all the extra. I hadn’t ever been one for leftovers, but Declan didn’t just box them up in one big container. No, he portioned them out in a bunch of smaller containers. I thought it was crazy until I realized why he cooked so much. He always got hungry right before bed and would pig out on whatever he had boxed up in the fridge. Every night was a conglomeration of cultures on a plate.
“Don’t call me that. You threw away the right.” Declan turned to Marcie and said, “Hayden and I are married.”
“Oh, congrats…”
“Only on paper.”
Declan’s face spun to mine. Hurt flashed in his eyes, only to be replaced by white hot rage that flared to life in the blue-green gaze I’d missed so much.
God, I was an ass. I couldn’t help but taunt him. It was easier than the alternative. If I pushed him he’d eventually jump and we’d fuck and maybe then my tongue would loosen.
Tension stretched out, filling the room. Our gazes locked, his nostrils flared. Then his chin trembled, and he shoved to his feet, the chair flipping back onto the floor as he stormed from the room.
Pain exploded in my head and heart. My head fell into the hand I had propped on the table. My other hand white-knuckled the fork I held. The metal bit into my palm, and I tossed it on the table. The clattering replaced the silence until my frustration took over.
“Fuck!”
A soft gasp caught my attention, reminding me that Declan and I hadn’t been alone. Wide blue eyes filled her face, but it was the plump, pink lip curled into her mouth that grabbed my attention. Her teeth worried the tender flesh, and my cock took notice.
“I didn’t mean to cause problems.” The soft tenor of her voice pierced my mood and struck a nerve.
“You didn’t,” I assured her. “Declan and I’ve had issues since the beginning. None of which is your doing.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.”
That about summed it up.
“How… umm…? Never mind.”
“Go ahead and ask.”
“How long have you been married?”
“Three years.”
Three years, four months, two weeks, and, I glanced at my watch, two, almost three days. But who was counting?.
“Then why would you say you didn’t know him for very long?”
“Because I was in the Marine Corps when I met Declan. We had two very hot nights, got drunk, and married in Vegas thirty-six hours before I got sent out on an op, which turned into a two-month float. Then we lived together for three months before things fell apart.”
Fell apart? Imploded? They were the same as me fucking them up beyond all recognition, right?
Her eyes grew wide, only to narrow when my stomach growled. “You should eat.”
A creak of a floorboard from the other room caught my attention and I decided to follow Priest’s advice and unfuck my life. Or try to. Finger’s crossed I’d not fucked things up beyond repair.
“Oh goody. Another bossy sub.”
“What? How…”
I smirked and picked up my fork while watching her face turn pink as she sputtered. Finally, she asked, “Declan’s a sub?”