21. Hayden
21
HAYDEN
“C ’mon, Papi. Let’s go to bed.”
“Fuck that. We should be on that plane with her. Not Priest and Cameron.”
“Yes, I agree, but we both promised to see Jackson and Katie through this mess. And you said it yourself, we needed to be on solid ground before we thought of adding a third.”
“I don’t give a flying fuck. It was always just a matter of time, which this situation has wrested out of our hands. Now, our girl, and don’t you dare come at me about her not being our girl because we both know better, is getting on a plane to Nashville to care for her ailing father with only Priest and Cameron there to take care of her.”
“And Gavin, apparently.”
“I don’t fucking know this Gavin guy. He could be a chode dick.”
Declan burst out laughing, pulling my mouth to his. “Jealous you is the most adorable thing ever.”
“Fuck off.”
“No. You’re not pushing me away because the scary emotions are making the big badass Marine piss his pants.”
“As if you’re any better.”
“Papi, I’m well in touch with my feelings. I might have spent the last few years drowning them in alcohol, but I could at least admit I had them.”
I stared at him. There were a few times since we got here that Walker or one of the other Holts had made a comment about liquor, but I brushed it off. Declan drank like a fish when we partied, but there had never been a time when I worried.
“What does that mean?”
Declan sighed and looked around. We were alone in the kitchen, so I didn’t know what or who he was looking for. He moved out of my embrace to the fancy coffee pot the doc and his wife had. The damn thing was smarter than some people, and I hated to admit it I was one of them. I’d yet to make a pot of coffee in the thing that anyone wanted to drink.
Once he got a pot brewing, he pulled out two cups and doctored one the way he liked it, adding a single spoonful of sugar I liked to the other. As soon as there was enough in the pot to fill the cups, he poured it into the mugs before replacing the carafe on the hotplate.
I watched him stir the two cups with the same spoon, first mine then his so not to get any of his bougie shit in my sweetened black coffee. When he finished, he turned, handing me my cup. I raised a brow, and he rolled his eyes.
“Let’s get comfortable. Neither of us will be able to sleep and fucking around doesn’t seem to be on the table at the moment.”
“Not until we know she made it on the plane and you’ve explained what you meant about drowning your feelings in alcohol at the very least.”
We settled into the oversized sectional couch in the family room, facing the massive fireplace with an equally large television hanging over it. However, it looked like an expensive painting unless the television was on. I’d never seen anything like it. I also didn’t see what was wrong with a regular TV, but when you had the kinda money the Holts and the doc had, I guess you could get whatever you wanted. And from the looks of things, Liam’s wife, Elizabeth, had very nice taste. Everything was elegant and screamed money, yet appeared comfortable for a family to live in, not just a showplace.
“Why’re you staring at the television like a tango you’ve got in your cross hairs?”
“Just never seen a TV like that.”
“Yeah, I don’t get what’s wrong with a regular TV.”
“Right?” I laughed. I looked at him sitting next to me, his body angled toward mine. I wanted Declan in my arms; I always had. But I needed to see his face while we talked about where I feared this conversation headed. And then I needed to fess up about my own struggles.
“Up until a few months ago, I’d been drinking. A lot. Enough that the family was worried. And me, too, some days.”
“Some days?”
He nodded. “Yes. Some days.”
His eyes stared down into the mug of coffee. The air conditioning was cool enough to see the steam rising from the cup.
“Carino?”
“There were mornings I woke up and the first thing I thought about was if there was any whiskey in the house. I’d get scared and pour out anything I found in the house with any alcohol content. I’d dry out for a week or two, but then…”
“Then something reminds you of what a shitty situation you got dealt and zoning out sounds like the best thing on the planet.”
“Hayden?”
Pursing my lips, they twist as I choose my words. “After the accident, I had a lot of issues. Issues I wasn’t sure I wanted to be here to deal with, but I couldn’t bring myself to quit. I was on a bunch of meds, and the benzos numbed me enough that I could almost deal with life, but not quite, so I took more than I should. Angel and Priest realized what I was doing, and they tagged-teamed me in the not-so-fun way.”
“And…”
I sighed, a deep, heavy cleansing breath that felt like I exhaled all the oxygen in my entire body. “And now, when I, or one of them, think something could trigger me to take more than I should, I hand my meds over to Priest. He makes sure I take them as I should.”
“But…”
“He’s on a plane. Yeah, but as of right now, I have control of my meds. He gave them back to me this morning, actually.”
He looked as though he would burst with questions.
“Ask whatever you want, vato. I refuse to have secrets from you. There’s stuff I’ve not told you yet, but not for any reason other than I’ve been having so much fun getting reacquainted with your stellar ass.”
“And my dick.”
“Yes. And your dick. Although, my ass is still fucking sore.”
He preened as if I’d praised him, which he still had issues with, but we’d get there. I pulled him toward me, needing a taste of his mouth. Our lips met. Slow, sensual, loving with a banked fire that wouldn’t take much to ignite.
When we parted, I rested my forehead against his and asked, “So… the drinking?”
“According to the person I’ve been seeing, I’m edging my way out of regular use and into risky use, because the mornings I wake up thinking about a drink are getting more frequent.”
“When’s the last time?
“I drank? The last bender I went on was nearly a year ago. I was at the house working on some projects. I remember pouring a drink. I drank so much I passed out. When I woke up, I got cleaned up, poured out all the liquor in the house, and called the therapist.”
I nodded. “I haven’t taken more than the prescribed dose in a year. The last time I drank while taking my meds was a little longer.”
“And the last time someone took your meds from you?”
Oh shit.
“Vegas. After we bumped into you and Marcos in the lobby, Angel took them from me. Which is why I didn’t have my meds the next morning.”
“And Priest took them here?”
I nodded. “Yeah. It was a bit of a shock to the system.”
“Agreed.”
“A good shock in the long run.”
His face stretched as his mouth moved into a slow, sexy smile, but then it fell, and his brow furrowed. “There are some things I’d like to know, but I don’t want…”
“I told you, ask whatever you want. We can’t live our lives on tenterhooks. We’ve gotta be respectful and mindful, but that doesn’t mean we can avoid the tough shit.”
“Vegas. Why? Why did you push me away?”
“In San Diego, I pushed you away because I was hurt and confused. The divorce papers eviscerated me. I sat at that fucking table, in the chair you sat in to work for hours. I sat there so long my ass went numb, and I cried myself dehydrated.”
His lips rolled into his mouth almost as if he wanted to ask another question, but he didn’t say anything.
“In the hospital, there were things said to me that you didn’t know about.”
A murderous look came over his face, and I knew what he was thinking about. The same cunt I thought about.
His jaw popped a couple of times as he clenched and unclenched his teeth. When he spoke, his voice was low and even, almost clipped with hostility.
“Okay, I gotta say this… I can’t be, or I guess I should say, you can’t hold me accountable for what other people say or do. Especially if I don’t know about it.”
I nodded.
“You’re right. I was in the wrong about how I reacted to Mara, but what happened at the hospital was fear. Or maybe self-preservation, or I don’t know… saving us both from a fate worse than death.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The doctor had been in to see me right before we argued.”
“And…” he growled in frustration.
“He told me I wouldn’t be returning to my unit. That I faced a medical discharge.”
“Hayden…”
“I’m not finished.”
The words came out harsh. Not my intention, but the subject still embarrassed me. Any time I thought of it, I felt like less of a man. It was why, even after Declan and I reconnected in Vegas and I knew things functioned, I pushed him away. I didn’t want him to know I struggled to get hard and stay that way. Last year, when Declan and I spent that night together and I didn’t have any issues, I was elated. I lay awake all night holding him, thanking God and all the other higher powers I knew for giving me back the man I loved and my ability to function as a man.
But then morning came.
And I woke up soft.
Never once in all my adult life had I woken up soft, not until the accident. Not unless I was on a mission, and even then, I’d wake up sporting a semi.
Not that morning in Vegas.
That morning I woke up and… nothing. I couldn’t even coax myself to get a little interested. There I was, lying next to the hottest man I ever laid eyes on, who never failed to have me hard enough to pound nails, and I was softer than soft and nothing could get a rise out of me.
“Hayden…”
“The doctors told me it may come back, and it may not. They told me if it did, it may or may not be what I was used to.”
“The doctors told you what may or may not come back?”
My throat closed, and heat flooded my face and body. My hand drifted over my dick subconsciously. His brow furrowed, his eyes dropping to my hand before returning to my face.
Clearing my throat, I said, “I’d been feeling numb and tingly in my legs. I mentioned it to the doctor when you weren’t around. They took me for scans and that’s when they found I’d broken my back.”
“What the fuck?”
“Lemme get through this, vato. Okay? Then you can ask questions.”
His eyes burned with questions, but he nodded as he threaded his fingers with mine. That small measure of comfort nearly broke me.
“I had compression fractures in my spine. According to the reports, I hit the water feet first after I’d smacked the side of… well, that’s still classified, but the head injury was the least of my worries. The swelling in my back was substantial and put pressure on, well, all the nerves leading from my spine down my legs. That day…”
I closed my eyes as the worry, pain, utter helplessness, and despair I felt that day washed over me yet again. When I opened my eyes after making sure I wasn’t going to fall apart, Declan’s eyes met mine. He set his coffee mug on the table behind the sofa. Warmth from where he’d been holding the hot coffee enveloped the back of my neck as he pulled me toward him. His forehead rested against mine.
“Tell me, Papi.”
“That day… That day, the doctor came in and told me I wouldn’t be going back to my unit. The medical discharge was because the compression fractures were so severe that even with extensive rehab, I might never walk without assistance. When I realized he was saying I’d be most likely partially paralyzed for the rest of my life, I asked about sexual function. He told me it should return, but it might not, and if it did, it might not be the same. Then he used the word creative . His actual words were ‘Recovering function sexually should happen, but it will take time, and may require some… creative thinking.’ Had my body been what it was… what I was used to being… I would’ve ended up in the brig because I’d have choked the motherfucker. I think he knew it too because he kept his distance, unlike the other times he’d come into the room to talk.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Things weren’t great between us, but we were navigating through the minefield pretty damn well.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, that’s what I wanted. You to stay with me out of pity or obligation when there would be no way for us… to be together fully.”
“Hayden, I love you. I have from the moment I laid eyes on you. Would it suck, yes, but your worth isn’t based on how hard you get or on what a great lay you are.”
“There’s no fucking way in hell I would ever saddle you with a man who’s not a man at all. You deserve…”