Chapter 18
With so much on her mind, Elizabeth expected to have trouble sleeping, but the exercise of the morning and the distress of the evening must have tired her out more than she had known. Within minutes of laying down, she was asleep, and she did not wake up until sunrise, nine hours later.
When she rang for a maid to help her dress, it took longer than she expected. The maid apologized for the delay and explained that she had not been prepared to help, since neither Miss Bingley nor Mrs. Hurst ever woke up before nine in the morning.
Once she was ready for the day, Elizabeth headed to Jane’s room to see how her sister had passed the night, but Jane was still sleeping. So, she grabbed her cloak and headed downstairs.
She wanted some breakfast, but she suspected it was not yet available. She distinctly remembered walking in on them all yesterday while they were still breaking their fast. It had been almost eleven in the morning.
She did check the breakfast room, but as expected, it was empty. With a little disappointment, Elizabeth donned her cloak and headed outside for a walk.
She was less than fifty steps from the door when she heard someone call out, “Miss Elizabeth!” It was Mr. Darcy, and he seemed out of breath, though he was trying to hide it.
Once he had caught up to her, he said, “Would you mind very much if I join you on your walk?” Inside, however, he was thinking, Thank goodness I happened to see her leave from my window.
Elizabeth glanced up at the second story windows and wondered which of them was Mr. Darcy’s room. When she realized what she was doing, however, she blushed. Pulling herself together, she said, “Of course, Mr. Darcy. I would enjoy that very much.”
He offered her his arm, and with only a little hesitation, she took it. Though it certainly wasn’t the first time she had taken a man’s arm or even the first time she had taken Mr. Darcy’s arm, somehow this time the connection warmed her even more than her cloak did.
They walked in silence for a bit while Elizabeth frantically tried to think of something to say. All the while, Mr. Darcy’s mind was a blank. Eventually, she remembered his internal comment about how Pemberley was rather devoid of near neighbors.
“Will you tell me about Pemberley, Mr. Darcy?” she asked.
Why would she want to know about Pemberley? Perhaps she is more mercenary than I would have thought.
Elizabeth hastened to add. “I have heard much of it from Miss Bingley and even from Mr. Bingley, and I admit they have raised my curiosity. I have always been of the opinion that the best person to tell tales of a place is the one who calls it home.” After a moment’s pause, she added, “One can learn a great deal about both the person and the place from such tales.”
So, is she asking because she wants to know of Pemberley or of me?
Out loud, Mr. Darcy said, “It is a rather large home, as I am certain you have surmised. The park itself is ten miles around, about four or five thousand acres. The farmland and pastureland that I lease out is another four thousand acres. In the middle of it sits a small town, Kympton, where those who lease the land live.”
Elizabeth waited, expecting him to add something more personal, but he did not. She said, “I imagine that with such a large swath of land, you don’t have a plethora of near neighbors.”
He chuckled slightly, and the sound rolled through her, causing tingles of pleasure in her spine.
“No, I do not. I admit that unless it is high summer or I am hosting a house party, I do not much enjoy living there. I do make it a point to spend at least two weeks there every season except winter to ensure that the house and estate are running smoothly. The rest of the time, it is hit or miss as to whether I am there.”
“I would assume that, even if you don’t live there most of the year, you still consider it home,” she said.
He turned to look at her, and she met his gaze. For a moment, she watched him as he studied her expression, though she could not tell what he was looking for.
After a few moments, he turned his head forward once again. He said, “I do. Very much so. It is the land of my father and his father for many generations. No matter where I go, I am Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley. It is as much a part of my identity as my name.”
“I understand,” said Elizabeth. She truly did. While she did not always relish living at Longbourn with its chaos, it was her home. No matter where she went, she would never lose that.
A sudden thought intruded, and she glanced at Mr. Darcy out of the side of her eye. Assuming she married someday, she would no longer be able to call Longbourn home. Her home would be someplace else entirely. Some distant place that she currently knew nothing about.
She had never thought about it in such a light. She had only ever imagined falling in love. But such a love would cost her dearly. She would lose her name, her home, and even her fortune, new though it was. What man could possibly be worth giving up almost everything she was?
“Miss Elizabeth, may I ask what you are thinking of?” asked Mr. Darcy.
So lost was she in her own thoughts and fears that she answered honestly. “Marriage,” she said.
“But you are stiff, and you seem as though you are afraid. Does the prospect frighten you so much?”
Elizabeth sighed. “I don’t know what it is about you Mr. Darcy, but I can never seem to hide anything from you.” As she waited for a response, she mused that, since she could hear his thoughts, he couldn’t seem to hide much from her either, so perhaps it was fair.
He said nothing. Apparently, he was still waiting for her answer.
“Honestly, the idea never frightened me in the least,” she said when it was clear he would say nothing.
“I was adamant that I would only ever marry a good man who respected me. I assumed that if I did so, I would be as happy as a woman could expect. It was only when you mentioned how your home was just as much a part of you as your name that I realized that, if I marry, I will have to give up both. I suddenly began to wonder if it could ever be worth it.”
“I have heard many men say something similar,” said Mr. Darcy.
“They weren’t speaking of giving up their home or their name, but rather their freedom and their money, since taking care of a wife and children is inevitably expensive.
As for myself, instead of considering only what I would be giving up I have been looking for something I would gain that would be worth the cost.”
“And do you ever think you will find something or someone so valuable?” asked Elizabeth.
“I am not certain,” said Mr. Darcy. “To be honest, I wasn’t looking particularly closely. I know I will need to marry someday in order to produce an heir for Pemberley, but it was not uppermost in my mind. At least, not until recently.”
“Has something changed recently?” asked Elizabeth.
Immediately, his thought spoke to her, I met you. Before she could truly comprehend this idea, however, he said aloud, “I may have met a young lady who would be worth all that and more, but I am as yet uncertain of my course.”
Elizabeth was overwhelmed with emotion at what she was hearing both from his thoughts and his words. She did not wish to make a response that would sound presumptuous. After all, he had said nothing aloud that was specifically about her. On the other hand, she could not forget either.
She decided to approach the subject lightly and with humor. “Oh? And who is this most excellent young lady? It can’t be one of the lowly members of our poor society. Therefore, the only person I can think of is the sister of your close friend. It must be Miss Bingley,” she said with a slight laugh.
“I am hesitant to speak ill of any lady, but you must know me well enough by now to be able to guess how I feel about Miss Bingley,” said Mr. Darcy. “Still, I cannot in good conscience tell you who she is until I am confident enough in my course to tell her first.”
“What, pray tell, is holding you back?” asked Elizabeth. She attempted to maintain a lighthearted, teasing tone, but she wasn’t certain she succeeded.
Again, Mr. Darcy looked at her, but Elizabeth couldn’t bring herself to meet his gaze this time.
So many thoughts and feelings were jumbled up in her heart and mind.
She worried that what held him back was her family.
She worried that he would see the guilt she felt that she was prying into his thoughts.
Most of all, she worried that he would withdraw his attention.
This last fear hit her particularly hard, as it solidified in her mind that she truly valued Mr. Darcy’s company.
Despite her relatively poor manners and her relaxed attitude toward him, he had never shunned or criticized her.
Instead, he had responded in kind, creating a kind of closeness that she had never known with a gentleman.
It was similar to close friendship, but there was enough attraction there to make it nothing like friendship at all.
Before he could formulate a reply, Elizabeth said, “You do not need to reply to such a prying question. Truly I apologize. I was treating you with the kind of familiarity I usually reserve for lifelong friends and family.”
“There is no need for an apology,” he said.
“It is rather refreshing, to be honest. The only people in my life who have the confidence to tease me in such a way are my two cousins, Richard and Aaron. As for what has held me back, I think it is mostly just prudence. It is wise, is it not, to withhold one’s affections until one knows the other person well enough to make a sound judgment. ”
“I see,” said Elizabeth. “Even in matters of the heart, where many a man has lost his mind temporarily, you are yet careful and think things through. It is an admirable trait.” Though not a romantic one, she added to herself.
“I must,” he said firmly. “Many lives depend on my choice of wife: my sister, my servants, my tenants, and even the shopkeepers near my homes. Whoever my wife is will have a great deal of responsibility, and it only stands to reason that I must find a lady who can stand tall under such a weight.”
“That may be true,” said Elizabeth, “but as you said before, she must also make you happy enough to make her worth the price you will pay to obtain her company.”
“True,” he said. His thoughts added, On that point, I am already certain.
Elizabeth suddenly found it necessary to change the subject entirely. If she did not, she was certain to melt into a puddle of embarrassment and overwhelming emotions.
“Now, let us go back to our original topic,” she said. “You have told me how large Pemberley is, but you have shared little else. Do you have a favorite part of the park? Do you like to hunt or fish there? What kind of gardens surround the house?”
Mr. Darcy willingly spoke of his home. He did, indeed, have several favorite places on his land, and he recounted a few interesting tales of his childhood. His servants featured heavily in his tales, and it was clear to Elizabeth that he took excellent care of them even though he was seldom home.
As he spoke, he also mentioned his younger sister, Georgiana, several times. Since she was a dozen years his junior and he had been responsible for her care for the last five years, it was clear he felt almost like a father to her rather than a brother.
When they finally returned to the house, Elizabeth couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief.
In the half hour they had spent in each other’s company, Mr. Darcy had given Elizabeth a great deal to think about, and she was grateful to have space to think about what he had said and what he had not said.
The rest of the day followed the pattern of the one before, including cards after dinner. Elizabeth did not have a chance to talk privately with Mr. Darcy, again, for which she was grateful.
Though she thought it odd, she was additionally grateful that she did not hear his thoughts while he played cards that night. Perhaps, he was concentrating enough that his thoughts simply didn’t reach the surface, or maybe he simply wasn’t thinking about the game very much.
After half an hour of Elizabeth listening to the progress of the game, she began to think that the latter possibility was the accurate one, for Mr. Darcy had lost every hand.