Chapter 21
Elizabeth dreaded going down to dinner, because she was still intent on avoiding Mr. Darcy. That was something that was rather difficult to do when they were eating at the same table.
Fortunately, it did not turn out to be particularly difficult.
Once again, Miss Bingley dominated the conversation, though at least she wasn’t complaining too much.
Instead, she focused on telling tales which were obviously designed to remind everyone of how much more interesting life and society was in London than in Hertfordshire.
Elizabeth did find it odd that she didn’t hear a single thought from Mr. Darcy. While his thoughts weren’t exactly constant, they had been frequent enough that she should have heard at least a few in the hour and a half that they spent at the dinner table.
After dinner, she went up to Jane and helped her sister finish her preparations. Then they came back down and entered the drawing room.
Mr. Bingley immediately hopped up and came over to them. “It is a true pleasure to see you looking well, Miss Bennet,” he said, barely even sparing a glance at Elizabeth.
Elizabeth smiled. The slight did not bother her in the least, because it stemmed from the gentleman’s happiness at seeing Jane again, which of course made Jane happy as well.
Mr. Bingley escorted Jane over to the chair which was closest to the fire. Once she was settled, he gave her two blankets to wrap around herself to keep her from catching a chill once again.
When he tried to give her a third one, Jane laughingly said, “Mr. Bingley, I believe I may be too warm as it is, but I thank you for your kindness.”
He seemed a bit abashed for a moment, but he quickly let it go and settled into a quiet conversation with her that no one else could hear.
Satisfied at seeing her sister settled and happy, Elizabeth turned her attention to the rest of the room, trying to decide where to sit and who to talk with.
Mr. Hurst was lying down on one sofa. He looked as though he was asleep.
Mrs. Hurst was sitting near Jane and Mr. Bingley, but she was playing with her jewelry rather than paying any attention to their conversation.
Mr. Darcy was in a back corner at a desk, apparently writing a letter, while Miss Bingley paraded up and down the back half of the room.
“Do tell dear Georgiana that I send her my best wishes,” said Miss Bingley. Apparently, Mr. Darcy was writing a letter to his sister.
“I have already done so twice at your request,” said Mr. Darcy. “Perhaps, I should defer your additional greetings until the next letter. Or, better yet, you could simply confine them to a letter yourself.”
Elizabeth would have been a little insulted by such a sharp retort, but upon reflection she realized that it might have been merited. If Miss Bingley had already spoken of it twice this evening, perhaps she should be rebuked.
Elizabeth listened for Mr. Darcy’s thoughts, expecting to hear most of the letter as he composed it in his mind before putting it to paper, but she heard nothing.
The realization shocked her, then caused her a great deal of concern. It was impossible to write a letter without first having coherent thoughts. What was wrong that she could no longer hear him?
Suddenly, she realized that she hadn’t heard any of his thoughts since their conversation yesterday morning.
She did not know why, but the realization made her suddenly frightened. Had she done something wrong? Did he no longer think of her at all?
Elizabeth, stop being ridiculous, she told herself. Even if he was mad at her, even if he no longer thought of her in any way, she should still be able to hear him compose a letter. What had changed?
She thought back to what Jeanie had told her when she granted the wish. She had said that the ability would be temporary, but Elizabeth could no longer remember how temporary. She racked her brains for any hint of a memory that would help.
No matter what she did, she could not remember Jeanie’s exact words, but she gained a vague impression that, perhaps, it had something to do with how well she understood Mr. Darcy.
Perhaps, now that she knew he was contemplating marriage, now that she knew he had deep feelings for her, she no longer needed to hear his thoughts.
Her musings were interrupted by the man himself. He had apparently finished his letter, and he was sitting down on the sofa next to her. The sounds of piano playing told her where Miss Bingley was without Elizabeth even having to look for her.
“You seem rather deep in thought,” he said. “I would have thought you would be more cheerful at seeing your sister nearly recovered. Is something the matter?”
She almost brushed aside his comment without another thought. She was even beginning to paste a smile on her face, but she stopped. She had always been honest with Mr. Darcy, and now was not the time to change that behavior. Still, she couldn’t exactly tell him everything.
“I am afraid I have something weighing on my mind,” she said. “While I am very happy to see Jane getting better and even more pleased to see her getting along so well with the man she admires above all, I have been thinking of my sister, Mary.”
“Has she fallen ill while you were away?” he asked.
Elizabeth chuckled. “Far from it,” she said. “We received a note just before dinner telling us that she was engaged.”
“Is this welcome news?” Mr. Darcy asked. “You don’t seem to have the demeanor of a sister who is rejoicing for a forthcoming happy alliance.”
“It is very welcome news,” said Elizabeth. “Alan Goulding, the man she is to marry, has adored her for years, though their friendship has often been rocky in the past. However, he seems to have grown up into a fine young man since his return from London a few months ago. Truly, I am happy for her.”
“I have heard quite a bit of Mr. Goulding from Mr. Hurst and Bingley. Mr. Hurst, in particular, was fairly good friends with the young man in London. His tales, I’m afraid, do not paint Mr. Goulding in a particularly good light.
Still, since becoming acquainted with him here, I have learned that he seems to have learned a great deal from his mistakes.
If he can remember the lessons of his youth, I think your sister has every promise of a happy life with him. ”
“I am certain you are correct,” said Elizabeth.
“But it is not that which has me so contemplative. Rather, it became clear to me that if Mary and perhaps Jane were no longer at Longbourn, I don’t think I would want to be at home quite as much.
Do you recall what I mentioned yesterday, that I was afraid of marriage because of all I would have to give up?
Well, it seems that I overlooked an important detail.
Whether I marry or not, I will eventually have to give up all my sisters.
When that happens, Longbourn will no longer feel quite so difficult to leave. ”
“So, your willingness to agree to marriage depends not on the increased value of the man who requests your hand but rather on a decrease in the perceived value of what you would be giving up,” said Mr. Darcy.
Elizabeth felt as though she had been punched. There was no escaping the disappointment and sadness in Mr. Darcy’s voice or face, and knowing that she had made him feel that way distressed her more than she would have imagined.
“I can see how it might seem that way based on what I said,” said Elizabeth.
“However, even if I absolutely hated living at home, which I don’t and never will, I would never marry a man I did not respect or could not love.
It is only that, while musing over my sister’s happiness, I realized that my own opinions on that state might have been incorrect. ”
“What, then, are your current opinions?” he asked.
“I think that, given the right marriage partner, it could be a truly blissful state for a time,” said Elizabeth.
“Then, and only if respect and love endure, it could settle into being a very happy and fulfilling lifelong partnership. I have the perfect example for such a thing in watching my Uncle Gardiner over the years”
“I was old enough when he first introduced his wife to the family that I can well remember how much they adored each other,” she continued.
“I have seen how their relationship and life together have grown into something truly admirable and even enviable since then. In fact, I am quite good friends with his wife, since she is only eight years older than I am. I honestly don’t know why I forgot about him when I was expressing my doubts yesterday morning. ”
“That is a great deal of change in your opinion to take place in two days, Miss Elizabeth,” said Mr. Darcy. “It almost feels as if you don’t truly know how to feel, and you are simply making up ideas as your feelings shift about.”
How could he say something so piercingly true and yet so awkward at the same time?
Elizabeth did not know how to respond, so she simply stared down at her hands. As the silence between them lengthened, she could feel Mr. Darcy shift his gaze from her face out into the room, which helped her relax a bit more.
Eventually, without turning his head back toward her, he said, “I think it is futile to try to define one’s opinions about marriage, in general.
No matter what one may think about the institution, one’s opinion will always change in the presence of someone one simply cannot live without.
I have seen it countless times among the men of my acquaintance. ”
Out of the corner of her eye, Elizabeth saw his gaze shift momentarily to Mr. Bingley. “In fact, I believe I am seeing it as we speak.”
“You are correct, Mr. Darcy,” she said. “I apologize for burdening you with my unformed and unfounded opinions.”
His head swiveled back to her so quickly that Elizabeth could not truly track the movement.
“That is not in the least necessary. Opinions and feelings are fundamentally ephemeral. If you never spoke of them until they were fixed, you would never speak at all. That would be the greatest tragedy. I like hearing your opinions, Miss Elizabeth. I like knowing what you are thinking. I like how relaxed I feel around you.”
Suddenly he clamped his mouth shut as if to prevent any more words from escaping.
“Thank you, Mr. Darcy,” said Elizabeth quietly. “I feel much the same about you…in every respect.”
Mr. Darcy was quite still for several moments as their gazes finally locked. Elizabeth felt pinned in place like the butterflies she had seen in her father’s collection.
He broke the spell first by clearing his throat. “Tell me, Miss Elizabeth, about the book you’ve been reading to your sister during her illness.”
Inwardly, Elizabeth sighed in relief. The conversation had become far too intimate in such a short time, and she was entirely grateful to discuss something far safer, far more mundane.
Miss Bingley soon tired of being banished to the piano, and she joined Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy in conversation. Her presence made everything stilted and awkward, but Elizabeth was still glad to have this time with him. After all, she and Jane would be going home tomorrow.
That morning they had planned on staying one more day, just to be certain that Jane was entirely recovered, but Mary’s news had hastened their departure. Assuming Jane remembered to ask Mr. Bingley for the use of his carriage tomorrow, they would be leaving just after breakfast.