Chapter 22
As the two sisters retired to their room that night, Elizabeth learned that Jane had completely forgotten to ask Mr. Bingley for the use of his carriage the next morning.
It was understandable. Jane was clearly focused on her present pleasure rather than future pain, and Elizabeth could hardly blame her. Still, it did present an obstacle for their plans.
Elizabeth pondered over the problem as she prepared for bed, but in the end, she shrugged it off. Nothing could be done about it tonight, and Jane could certainly ask him at breakfast. The delay would be unlikely to make a difference in the answer.
Her surmise was correct. In the end, it made no difference. Though Mr. Bingley protested and even complained at Jane’s departure, he willingly made his carriage available to take them home. His only request was that they wait until later in the afternoon when the day would be a bit warmer.
After seeing how genuinely Mr. Bingley wished for her to stay, Jane’s tender heart could not tolerate denying his request, so the two sisters stayed a few hours longer than they had intended.
For Jane, that time was spent in the drawing room, chatting with Mr. Bingley and Mrs. Hurst. Elizabeth, however, felt at loose ends. Miss Bingley was avoiding her, and Elizabeth wished to avoid Mr. Darcy, which left her with no one to talk to.
Though she and Mr. Darcy had chatted easily enough last night, she could not bring herself to be comfortable in his presence. She was too confused for his normal peaceful presence to have its soothing effect.
With this being the case, Elizabeth resorted to what she always did when she was uncomfortable. She went for a walk.
The day was bright and still, but it was colder than it had been. For the first few minutes of her walk, Elizabeth gripped her cloak about her tightly until her swift, energetic movements helped her to warm up a bit.
The gardens and grounds around Netherfield were among the most intricate and beautiful in the neighborhood, but at this time of year, there was nothing to be seen of such beauty.
The garden consisted of a few evergreen shrubberies, a plethora of shorn trees, and many, many empty flowerbeds and flowerpots.
As she walked, Elizabeth thought over what her future looked like. Mary would get married next month, and given Mr. Bingley’s attention to Jane, her older sister was likely to do the same before the end of the year.
With both of them gone, the chaos and noise which perpetually spilled from Lydia, Kitty, and their mother would be more difficult to avoid. As a result, Papa was likely to spend even more time in his bookroom, and Elizabeth would be left to the company of those she had little in common with.
Elizabeth loved each member of her family dearly, but she was not blind to their faults, and her love for them did not make them less embarrassing in company. With Jane and Mary gone, there would be no one left to carry on a sensible conversation.
Would Elizabeth still love Longbourn under such circumstances? Would she still feel as though it were truly home?
A wave of guilt crashed over her.
Was she so fickle in nature that her love for her family and her home relied on the presence of only two of them?
Elizabeth wrestled with her conscience and her truth, but in the end the truth won. Honestly, there were just some people that it was easier to love at a distance.
Her conclusion was followed by the strongest wave of guilt yet. Then a wave of loss and mourning quickly followed. How would she manage when Jane, her rock and her support, was no longer there?
Of course, Jane would live nearby. Netherfield was only three miles from Longbourn, after all. However, her priorities would shift. She would be focused on her house and her husband and would simply not have as much time and attention for Elizabeth.
Even so, Elizabeth would not change a thing. She had never seen Jane happier than when she was in the company of Mr. Bingley. He was not as strong of character or as handsome as Mr. Darcy, but he was a good, kind man.
Mr. Darcy.
She had avoided thinking of him, but now that he had slipped into her thoughts, she could not chase him away.
In addition to the calm, relaxed feeling he always gave her, he had an air of strength about him that called to Elizabeth.
Although that strength occasionally took on the appearance of arrogance and perhaps pride, Elizabeth knew that for the most part, he was no such thing.
What pride he did carry was justified due to his situation in life.
In station, he was well above everyone she had ever known, and his wealth made his life one of many more comforts and luxuries than Hertfordshire could provide.
Of course, he would occasionally be uncomfortable here, and such discomfort from a man as upright and formal as Mr. Darcy would naturally come across as pride.
Perhaps it was this very upright and formal character, which could also be termed strength of character, as well as his physical strength that made Elizabeth typically feel so much at peace in his company.
Perhaps…perhaps she was doing exactly what Mr. Darcy had accused her of doing last night. She was just making up ideas as her feelings shifted about.
Elizabeth stopped walking, standing still beneath a weeping willow. Such a tree would have provided a delightful hiding place in the summer, but with no leaves on it, the long, thin branches did little to shut out the world.
Still, she felt safe and sheltered enough to let her feelings free. She shut down the thoughts that almost never ceased, and she just felt whatever feelings wished to show themselves.
The very first feeling to surface was attraction to Mr. Darcy. It was undeniable. She longed to be held in his strong arms, to receive her first kiss from him. His dark gaze tended to pull her in and make her forget everything around her.
This, of course, led to her next feeling, which was embarrassment. As she imagined what it would be like to be held in his arms, to be surrounded by his strength, Elizabeth felt the heat of a blush rise in her cheeks.
She chased such images away, but they were replaced by something even stronger: a feeling of comfort, of home.
Elizabeth was shocked to her core as she realized that Mr. Darcy felt like home, as much as, or possibly more than, Longbourn.
She had barely come to this realization when her attention was caught by the approach of that same gentleman.
“Miss Elizabeth,” he called as he hurried toward her.
Given what her thoughts had been, Elizabeth could not think how best to greet him, so she merely copied his form of address. “Mr. Darcy,” she said as he entered her little sanctuary beneath the weeping willow.
He said nothing at first. He just stood there looking at her face. Elizabeth could not help but look back, especially considering what her thoughts and feelings had been mere moments ago.
“You look remarkably well today,” he said eventually. “The chill in the air seems to have put a bloom in your cheeks. Or perhaps that is simply the exercise.” As he spoke, his hand moved the slightest bit, as though he wished he could reach out and touch the pink cheek he was admiring.
Elizabeth could think of no words that could form a response to such a bold statement.
“I shall miss you a great deal, Miss Elizabeth,” he said when it was clear she would not speak. “These last few days, I have relished the opportunity to be in your company in such a relaxed setting.”
This was something she could respond to. “And I shall miss your company as well,” she said.
The corners of his lips tilted up in the barest hint of a smile. Apparently, her words had removed some of his hesitation, for he stepped toward her a bit. The hand that had been hesitant moments before was no longer reluctant. He lifted it and touched her cheek with one finger.
Somehow, that single brief touch changed everything.
He smiled. It was a true smile with the corners of his lips upturned and his eyes lighting up with happiness. His expression, combined with his gentle touch, lit a matching joy in Elizabeth. She could not help but return his smile.
“Miss Elizabeth,” he said. “Given the confusion of the thoughts you have shared with me recently, I am aware this may not be the best timing, but I can no longer be silent about my feelings and intentions. Truly, you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”
Elizabeth felt her eyes widen at such a bold declaration. He loved her.
In that moment, her previous confusion was nowhere to be found.
She knew she returned his feelings. She had only been uncertain of the state of her own heart because she had been confused about the state of his.
She had not wished to admit to feelings that might hurt her a great deal when he inevitably left.
He continued. “Your natural joy has brought me joy unlike any I have ever known. Your mere presence has brought me peace that I did not think was possible. I wish to ask you to marry me so that we may build the life you described last night: a truly blissful period of time followed by a happy and fulfilling lifelong partnership.”
Elizabeth was overwhelmed with emotion, too overwhelmed to speak.
As her silence stretched out, his face began to show signs of uncertainty.
“I am aware that you may yet have doubts,” he said.
“If that is the case, I am willing to wait. It was only…I mean…well, I simply could not hold my own feelings in any longer. I beg you to forgive my selfishness.”
“No, Mr. Darcy,” Elizabeth blurted out. His face fell immediately, and Elizabeth hastened to add.
“I don’t mean, ‘No, I will not marry you.’ Rather I meant to halt your doubts.
You did not speak too soon, despite my apparent confusion the last few times we have spoken on the subject.
I love you, Mr. Darcy, with all my heart.
I believe I have loved you from the moment you sat down on the stairs next to me at Lucas Lodge.
I was only denying it, because I did not know whether it would result in absolute joy or utter heartbreak. ”
With an expression of true delight lighting up his features, he took another step toward her. There was now barely an inch between them.
“Then, you will marry me?” he asked.
Elizabeth had no idea what her own expression conveyed, but she deeply hoped it showed at least some measure of the happiness that welled up from her soul as she said, “Yes, Mr. Darcy. I accept your proposal.”
She was about to add more, but before she could say anything else, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. With an expression in his eyes she had never seen and did not know how to name, he leaned down and kissed her.
It was not a short kiss, though it was gentle.
However, Elizabeth could tell that the man who held her was holding back a great deal of passion.
She was grateful that he did so, for she would not know what to do with it should it be released.
Just this simple, gentle kiss was overwhelming her with new sensations.
After a few moments, Mr. Darcy pulled back, though he kept one arm around her waist. With his other hand, he ran his thumb across her cheek. Then he idly played with the curls that hung just in front of her ear.
“You are my heart, Elizabeth,” he said. “Wherever you are is where my home will be.”
His words echoed the feeling she had experienced only moments before his arrival.
“And you are my home as well,” she said.
“I know it is not particularly inventive to merely parrot your words, but they so accurately reflect my sentiments that I might have thought you stole them directly from my mind.”
He smiled. “If only that were possible, I believe we might have come to an understanding a great deal sooner.”
Elizabeth made no response other than a smile. She knew differently. Despite being able to hear his thoughts, she had been completely oblivious to the state of his feelings.