Chapter 24 - Andie
Chapter Twenty-Four - Andie
A smoke-filled sky with a rolling fire that continues destroying my home plagues my dreams. The heat scorches my skin, smoke stings my eyes, making them blur.
Cody remains at the window, reaching for me as the fire continues to consume him.
I watch his eyes stay locked on mine. All while I stand there, helpless, frozen in time, watching him slowly die in horror.
The same dream from the night before Cody’s death. No not dream—nightmare. This is the nightmare that continues to play out in my mind while I sleep. Drenched with fear, startling in bed, my breath rapid and eyes tearing. A dangerous mixture of panic and agony paints my face.
My movements are less than subtle since Spencer wakes quickly, going straight into hero mode. His arms wrap around my body to protect me from the imaginary danger he knows nothing about. The feel of his shield does little to relax me as my panic builds.
There’s no stopping this spiral. My mind’s trapped in a complete horror show and all my weaknesses are showing themselves at max volume.
Turning to Spencer, a vicious trick in play, it isn’t Spencer I see through the darkness, it’s the man that used to be the center of my world, the man I grieve for, Cody.
And it’s his voice I hear trying to comfort me.
Sending me into a full destruction of emotions with no way of stopping it.
“Hey—hey you’re okay, you’re safe. I have you. It’s just a dream.” You would think those words would be reassuring. However, coming out of the fog and realizing that it’s not Cody who is with me, I snap, the loss of him hitting me all over again. “I’m here. I have you.”
His words repeat for comfort, yet the nightmare flashing like lightning that is too close causes me to struggle.
My body and mind wage an internal tug-of-war on how to react.
He has me—Spencer has me—not Cody. I’m in bed with a man who isn’t my husband.
My husband’s dead, does that make it any better?
Nausea creeps up as I realize I betrayed Cody.
I acted on what my body wanted, not what was right.
Before Spencer has a chance to stop me, I’m barreling out of his arms, jumping from the bed and running to the bathroom.
I slam the door behind me and lock it so no one can witness the train wreck that is ensuing.
My back hits the door, and I slide down to the tile floor.
The cold feels so good against the sweat from my overheated body.
“Andie, are you okay? What’s going on?” His voice cracks with worry, and the jiggle of the door handle sounds behind me. My back jumps with every knock, but I’m under the current and can’t come up for air.
“I can’t, I just can’t, it’s too much, it’s all too much.” My power is gone, the emotions now have a mind of their own, and they aren’t going to make it easy on me. I squeeze my eyes tight with my hands pressing against my ears to block out the world, slowly rocking myself for comfort.
“What are you talking about, baby? What’s too much? If I fucked up somehow, tell me. I’m sorry, just, please let me fix whatever this is.” Genuine concern laces his tone as his voice softens even further.
I know he must be confused and for good reason.
I haven’t told him about Cody and his death.
For all Spencer knows, I just lost my damn mind.
He doesn’t know about the guilt I’m harboring every time I’m near him, or every time I allow myself to feel something other than pain for the loss of my husband.
Part of me knows this isn’t fair to him. He has no context, no understanding of why the woman who was just in his arms is now locked in a bathroom having a breakdown. But explaining means telling him about Cody, and I can’t form those words right now.
“What’s going on here?” Maddie’s accusatory voice demands, and I sink further into myself.
Maddie, yes, please make this stop.
“Spencer? What are you doing here, and where’s Andie?”
“She locked herself in the bathroom.”
“Wait what? What did you do to her?”
“Nothing, I swear. I don’t know what happened and now I can’t get her to come out.
Everything was fine one minute and the next thing I know .
. . she’s screaming, and crying, and saying it’s too much.
” The hit to the door is harder than the last, I can picture Spencer laying his head against the door in an attempt to get closer to me, but right now I need this barrier between us. “Baby, talk to me. What happened?”
“I can’t . . . I can’t do this.” My words muffle through my sobs as I gasp for air. A soft knock hits the door, but this time it isn’t Spencer.
“Andie, honey, let me in?” Maddie begs.
Not wanting to say too much in front of Spencer, because now is not the time for the dead husband talk. I pick my words carefully.
“I saw him, Maddie. I saw him. It’s too fast, I just can’t.” She knows exactly what I’m trying to say, but he’s still left in the dark. Through my whimpers, I can hear Maddie talking with him, but he isn’t listening to her.
“Saw who, Andie, baby, who did you see?”
“Spencer, please, you need to go. For me to help her, you’re going to have to leave.”
“No, I’m not going anywhere, fuck that.” His frustration causes me to rock harder, tightening myself into the world’s smallest ball, hoping Maddie can get him to leave soon.
“Andie come on, come out and talk to me, please.” His voice trembling with the desperate need for me to let him in.
His please cracking as he struggles to get the words out.
“Spencer, stop! This isn’t helping.” Maddie’s voice is firm, but not unkind. “I know you care about her, but you being this upset is only making things worse. You don’t want to hurt her more than she already is, do you?”
His ragged breathing pierces through the door. “Then help me understand what’s happening.”
“I wish I could, but this isn’t my story to tell. Spencer, she needs time to process this. If you keep pushing right now, you might become part of what she’s afraid of instead of someone she can trust.
“I can’t just leave her like this.” He’s persistent, trying so hard to reach me, but I can’t let him in yet.
“You’re not leaving her, but I swear if you don’t go now, I’ll kick you out myself. You need to give her time. I’ll have her call you when she’s ready to explain, but for right now you have to leave.”
In between my cries, I listen as his footsteps fade, each one creating another hole in my heart. I want him to understand, but the words evade me.
How does one explain trying to move on from their dead husband?
Silence . . . For a moment I thought I died to join Cody, but it isn’t until Maddie’s soft knock, that I know I’m still here living in this purgatory between love and loss.
“He’s gone, will you come out or at least let me in?
” The click of the lock is all the answer she needs.
I scoot to the side, giving her room to open the door.
Maddie’s eyes meet mine—disheveled, tears streaking down my cheeks like the broken mess I am—her expression fills with understanding and heartbreak.
She sees exactly how shattered I am, and her witnessing my downfall has me breaking even further.
She steps inside, sinking down to my level, taking in every pain-filled emotion I have.
“Maddie, I can’t do this, I thought I could. I want to, but it’s just too much.” Without any other words, she wraps her arms around me, allowing me to silently fall apart.
“I still love him,” I whisper into her chest. “I still love Cody. But I also . . . I think I’m falling for Spencer, and that terrifies me even more.” The admission comes out broken, fractured by the sobs.
How do I choose between holding onto Cody and letting Spencer in? How do I know if I’m moving forward or just running away?
For once, Maddie holds me tighter, letting me shatter without trying to fix me.