Chapter 10
“Y ou haven’t touched your plate at all,” my mama noted, bringing me into the present.
I was having dinner with my parents and brother, but apparently, they were all watching me while I didn’t eat. I absentmindedly spooned my mashed potatoes for the hundredth time. My brain chatter was stuck on a constant loop, and I couldn’t turn it off.
“What is it, Island? What’s bothering you?” Daddy asked with genuine concern.
I sighed heavily then sank deeper into my seat and slouched. I shrugged.
“I don’t know. I did something, and it doesn’t feel as safe as I thought it would.”
Jayce, never being one to beat around the bush, made sure there was no room for confusion.
“She broke up with Shyheim after the chemical explosion freaked her out.”
Considering how close they were, I guess Shyheim let the cat out of the bag. I pinned him in place with a glare, but all he did was shrug. Then he had the nerve to go back to eating his food. I tried to ignore the curious eyes on me, but it was no use. Eventually, I lifted my head to face my parents head-on.
“Go ahead and say it,” I blurted out after another spell of silence.
My mama shook her head and shrugged. “We’ve talked about this before, Island. The only way to heal is... is by allowing yourself to experience and give love again.”
I scoffed. “That’s easy for you to say, Ma. You’ve never lost the man you love… twice.”
My tone was more cynical than I wanted it to be. Sighing, I deflated, losing all my fight.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, baby. You’re right. I don’t know what that is like, but I know what it’s like to have love, something so real and tangible I can touch it just about any time I want. And because it’s mutual, every time I reach, he’s already reaching back.”
Her words ruined me because I wanted to believe I’d get to experience that. However, it seemed every good thing I received never lasted for long. Why pump myself full of fantasies that were unlikely to come true? Having to be surrounded by the love between my parents was the reason I left the first time. I didn’t want it to come to a place where I had to leave again to protect my peace.
“We just want the best for you, baby girl. You can take as long as you need to heal, but don’t use it as an excuse not to live in the present. We know you’ve lost more than most, and because of that, you deserve twice as much love. I would hate for you to miss out on that trying to do God’s job for him.”
I guess it was gang up on Island day because Jayce decided to chime in too.
“I know you’re scared, but that nigga is too. He gets to be himself around you. After dealing with that sorry excuse of a baby mother of his, he needs a woman like you. Shyla does too. Even a glimpse of the love you have to give has changed both of their lives. Don’t ruin a good thing trying to recreate stories from your past.”
All their words fell on my shoulders heavier than bricks. I couldn’t ignore it because this was my family. They loved me and would always want what was best for me. At the same time, they didn’t know what it was like to have this crippling fear following you everywhere you went like a shadow. Every time you wanted to follow the light, the shadow grows bigger than ever before, and in that moment, all you can think about is not being swallowed up.
“Can I be excused?” I whispered softly, unable to sit here any longer.
My mother sighed but nodded. My chair slid across the floor as I rushed to stand and leave. In need of some fresh air, I headed to the front porch. My parents had rocking chairs that faced the horizon. I had perfect timing as the sun was beginning to set for the day. The array of orange, pink, purple, and blue eased my aching heart in a way humans couldn’t. Nature was beautiful in its own way, and I could only be thankful for the creator of it all. The creator who knew at this very moment I would need to inhale this slice of heaven to feel brave enough to fight another day.
Humming a tune, I slowly began to rock the chair back and forth. My parents lived in the country part of Hazelwood, which was further proven by the silence. It was exactly what I needed right now. I had too many voices in my head and too many emotions to cipher through.
An image of Shyheim appeared in my mind. I sighed, realizing amongst the many things I was feeling, longing was one. I missed sharing air with him. I missed him invading my personal space without my permission. I missed seeing his hazel eyes light up with mischief when he was about to cross a line. I yearned for his husky voice to vibrate every ion in my body to the beat of his heart. I knew I didn’t deserve one more caress of his calloused but gentle hands, yet I desired it even more.
The harder I pushed myself away from him, the more isolated I was feeling. I thought ending the relationship would save me from hurting, but instead, it created its own type of hurt. It was the hurt of knowing I was robbing myself of a future. Shyheim was a living, breathing man I could pull up on right now to make things right with. I wouldn’t, though. There was this sliver of hesitation that wouldn’t turn me loose.
I sighed when a red bird flew on the railing of the porch. Placing my hands to my lips I blew kisses at it like the old folks said to do. If this was a visit from a departed loved one, I wanted them to know the love we shared stayed on my mind. Carrying their memory in my heart wasn’t the easiest task, but I was managing. Now, how much longer I could manage was still up in the air. These days, I felt myself teetering on the edge of insanity.
I took in my surroundings, thinking about the many times I watched the sun set at Mt. Juliette with Rydell. That was our thing. We’d recap our day as the sun descended so that when it rose again, we could start the new day with a clean slate. And on the days when talking was too much, we’d sit in silence. Offering a touch here or a kiss there for comfort while understanding sometimes silence was the solution.
Thinking about those evenings in the park inspired me to remember the talks we’d have about the future. If I was honest, a lot of those desires we’d shared were still alive to this day. They were just buried deep down inside. Being a wife and mother topped the list. I wanted to do the cheesy trip to Disney World where we spared no expense and wore matching outfits. Traveling everywhere we could was something we spoke about often, and I didn’t even have my passport.
There were dreams of purchasing the one thing God wasn’t giving more of to really lay down roots. I’d begun the process of designing our dream home even while we shopped for our starter home. I was looking forward to decorating everything as the seasons changed and holidays came and wearing color-coordinated outfits on special occasions or sending postcards to our loved ones.
As my eyes landed on the bird, I couldn’t fight the feeling that Rydell would want more for me. He wouldn’t want me to play it safely for the sake of keeping his memory alive. Crossing my legs, I couldn’t help but reach for the ring around my neck. I fiddled with the silver, remembering all the dreams I refused to entertain. Before this moment, I hadn’t realized ignoring them didn’t make them disappear.
I owed it to myself to stop shutting myself off from love. It was the essence of everything that surrounded me. I didn’t want to continue living as the walking dead. I wanted to feel… even the things that hurt because it was a reminder that I was alive. And if there was breath in my lungs, then there was an opportunity for healing to take place if I allowed it to happen.