Chapter 9
“G reat work today, Cap,” Battalion Chief Floyd’s voice boomed around the locker room.
I glanced up to find him strolling toward me. I gave a curt nod because I didn’t feel accomplished. On my first incident command as captain, I’d lost a crew member, someone I’d known from training because his first day was also mine. Had I not excelled to a position of superiority where I didn’t have to risk my life in the same ways as Greg did, it could’ve been me who didn’t go home tonight. Nothing about that sat well with my soul. I plopped down on the bench and exhaled heavily.
“I understand. It doesn’t get easier as time passes, but we shoulder the burden because we literally risk our lives to save others.” He cupped my shoulder to offer comfort. Dropping my head in my hands I tried to make sense of what I was feeling. “Be sure you make an appointment with Regina. You’re going to be okay, son.”
I kept quiet even after he was long gone. All I wanted to do was go see Island and trap her against my body. I needed her soft and supple skin right now, to make her quiver and shake underneath me. It was something I could control because this heaviness had to fucking go.
After packing up my things, I left out the back of the station and headed for my truck. When I was inside, I checked my phone to see Island hadn’t responded to my text. I could only imagine what was going through her mind, so I started the engine with the intention of heading that way.
Once I arrived, I wasted no time parking and hopping out. With quick steps, I made it to her front door and rang the doorbell. It took her a while to come to the door, but eventually, she did. The second the door came open, I could tell something was off. I mean, apart from Island’s puffy red eyes, it didn’t feel right when I stepped over her threshold and secured the door behind me.
My palms became sweaty, and my heart started to race as I followed her deeper into the house. With the fading daylight, it was dark in her living room. The color was a little off from the usual open and comfy vibes her living room space offered. Still, I pushed it all aside because I needed her right now. Today was one of the hardest days I ever had, and the only person I wanted to share it with was silently sitting beside me like a statue.
“What’s up, Izzy? I know I didn’t get to come back as soon as I thought, but today got a little crazy.”
Her shoulders lifted slightly then dropped down.
“I saw,” she mumbled. She stared straight ahead in a distant daze. Something was up with her, but I didn’t want to push. She looked emotionally fragile, and I trusted that she would share with me when she was ready.
“Yeah, that was the craziest fire I’ve ever seen.” I ran a hand down my face and dropped my chin to my chest. “We lost someone today. Everyone keeps telling me it’s not my fault, but I feel partly responsible. As captain, it was my responsibility to keep my crew safe. I failed Greg and his family today.”
My thoughts were barreling to a bad place, and to make matters worse, Island didn’t seem to be in the room with me. Her silence made me feel alone, and it was the last thing I needed right now. Sitting back on her couch, I tried to keep my leg from bouncing, but it was useless. Suddenly, I was feeling like a little boy again, a little boy who never got the attention he needed at pivotal moments in his life, a little boy who went from a straight-A student to a problem child because he thought it would get him more attention from his mother.
I intended to tell Island about my promotion, but this was why I kept it to myself in the first place. I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal… I wasn’t a big deal… I ran a hand through my curls, feeling worse than I did when I walked up in here, and Island hadn’t said a fucking thing.
“I… um… thought I could do this, but I can’t,” Island whispered into the silence.
As shadows crept along the walls, I got the feeling I wouldn’t like where this was heading.
“Do what, Island?”
“This… us.” She waved her hands between us. “The thought of losing you was too much for me. I can’t live my life constantly worried about if something bad is going to happen to you.”
I froze in place as my heart processed her words. When it clicked, everything in me shattered into pieces. Shaking my head, I allowed my head to drop in my hands. I wanted to be shocked. I wanted to be caught off guard, but I knew better. I knew better than to believe in that spark of hope. This was what I was always given from women—the bare minimum or nothing at all.
I couldn’t lie like I didn’t want to believe Island would fight for this. I knew she felt how right everything about us was, and that was probably the real reason she was running. When I needed her to come closer, she was running in the opposite direction. Every time I needed them to show up for me, they fucking ran. What was it about me that didn’t deserve love and attention?
I couldn’t sit still for a second longer. Hopping to my feet, I beelined for the door. Island reached for my hand, stopping me. I slowed, but I didn’t turn to face her.
“I’m sorry, Shyheim.”
“I am too,” I replied. My voice was raw and hoarse from the many emotions I was experiencing. “I have to go.”
I didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing. Like Island, I had my own wounds that were busted wide open right now. I was bleeding all over her floor, and she didn’t care to even see why there was blood everywhere.
Thankfully, when I pulled away, she allowed me to go. Every step I took away from her felt heavier than the last. I was used to the weight though. I spent my entire life taking care of myself, carrying all my emotions on my own shoulders. Nothing had changed, except for the fact I allowed myself to believe that something could change. It never did, though. I was meant to go through the fire on my own. Hopefully, when I came out on the other side, there were still parts of me left.