Chapter 7
Audrey
Quentin and my weekly get-togethers used to be my favorite part of the week, but disappointment wedged its way into my neck. No matter which way I twisted, my shoulders pinched with stress.
Quentin was late. Again.
It was only ten minutes, but he hadn’t responded to my text. I had a tight study schedule today, tutoring slots for more cash, along with meeting for our group project, but my plans never mattered to Quentin. My studies always came second to his hockey. I didn’t mind it in high school as he was working on getting a full-ride scholarship, but that happened, and me prioritizing him just never stopped.
I worked my ass off to get straight A’s and receive semester scholarships to save money. Quentin didn’t realize that I tutored all summer or on Sundays so he could have spending money. He didn’t know mom hit me up every other week for cash so she could buy food and live the life dad wanted for her. I hid all of it from Quentin so he could have somewhat of a normal life. I was the one to carry the scars and burden, not him, so his dismissal of my feelings hurt.
It did even more as my mom’s text from last night flashed in my mind. Despite sending her a hundred bucks, she wanted more. She had to have more.
Ugh.
I didn’t even want to be in this family anymore, but then my dad’s voice would say people struggle in different ways. Have you tried breaking through to them?
I tried, Dad. I really did.
I hated feeling this bitterness creep up. I tried so hard, hoped to find a full-time job nearby and start my life. Would my mom be begging for money my whole life? Would Quentin always need me to help him behind the scenes? My future wasn’t as exciting even more with those unknowns. How sad was that?
Getting straight A’s, making sure Quentin was good, and finding a nursing job were all I’d cared about for so many years. I lost myself along the way, and my brother didn’t even respect me enough to text.
Audrey: I’m leaving. Text me if you ever want to get lunch again.
I fired off the text, letting my temper get the best of me. Quentin had always been emotional, and this injury had really set him back. He was more demanding, pouty, and only focused on the negatives instead of the positives.
My phone buzzed. Quentin called me.
“Hi, Quentin,” I said, letting my irritation boil over.
“You’re so dramatic.” He laughed, and something muffled came over the phone. “I was caught up with something for the team. Plus, you’re just going to the library anyway, right? Sorry I didn’t text you. I figured it’d be okay. I didn’t mean to leave you hanging, Audrey. Promise.”
Quentin always toyed with the line of right and wrong. He said the words sorry and I didn’t mean to, but they didn’t ring with genuineness. His usual aggressive voice shifted to kinder, a sign he wasn’t lying. But my feelings were hurt, and he wouldn’t care. He’d joke it off, and I wasn’t prepared to handle that today.
“Alright.” I shifted in my seat at the coffee shop. “Hope the team stuff went well.”
“It did, thanks, yeah.” His voice softened. “My guys are helping me deal with the fact Sanders is on the team. Coach is having him mentor me, which is ridiculous. The fucking nerve of Reiner doing that. I have a plan though, don’t worry. Sanders is gonna regret ever coming to this school.”
“I need to go.” My voice cracked, and my stomach dropped in a horrible, falling-through-frozen-lake bad way. Hearing him be so cruel about Theo physically hurt me. My brother had no idea Theo had siblings depending on him.
I still didn’t know why he was taking care of his siblings, but I saw the love between them. The trust. How could Quentin think about retaliation? That was what his anger was about, wasn’t it?
“Don’t be mad, Auds. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. Want me to find you at the library?”
“No. I have plans. I need to go, Quentin.” I hung up, rubbed my temple, and took a few deep breaths. I loved my brother. I did. It was just us for so many years, and he was achieving his dream, minus the whole injury thing. It was easier to remain quiet and let Quentin enjoy being young, while I was forced to deal with the aftermath of sickness and death. If I had to be an adult and I could protect my brother, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
Yet, his behavior was worsening, and confronting him wasn’t something I’d ever do. He’d twist my words or guilt trip me, and it would further deepen the divide between us. How could I isolate myself even more? If I truly lost Quentin, I’d have no one left. That devastated me.
I chewed my lip, the horrible, lonely feeling weighing me down to the point I slid in my chair. These moments would come fast and hard but only linger for a few minutes. I’d let myself wallow before snapping out of it.
Yes, I envisioned a different life. I used to dream about having a group of best friends and a family that smiled and laughed together. But that wasn’t the hand I’d been dealt, so I had to stick to the plan, or I’d completely derail. Exhaling, I silenced my phone even though no one would call me.
I had a few study buddies who’d agreed to meet tomorrow evening, so it was me and my thoughts and my homework keeping my company. My favorite table in the library was tucked back in the corner, out of view and pretty quiet. I liked the scents here, old books and coffee. The combination reminded me of going to a diner with my dad. We’d do our daddy-daughter time there where he’d let me try coffee without telling mom, and we’d eat dessert for lunch. He’d be proud of me right now. He’d encourage me to keep going. He’d know I was doing my best with Quentin and Mom.
“Audrey?”
A familiar, deep voice pulled me from my memory. My stomach somersaulted at the interruption and at the fact Theo stood in front of me with a plate of cookies.
“Hey.” Theo smiled, the gesture familiar and pleasant. He brushed his hair off his forehead as he jutted his chin toward the chair across form me. “Can I join you?”
“Sure, yeah, okay.” My words blurred together as surprise took over. Theo was at the library, in my spot. Seeing him caused a flurry of weird feelings in my chest and stomach as I thought about his emails.
He hadn’t meant the comment, cruelly at least, about me being no fun, but he was correct. I wasn’t. Yet, there was something about him that pulled me toward him, wanting to dig deeper and ask questions.
“These are thank you cookies. I wasn’t sure what your favorite was, so my siblings and I made four different types. Not from scratch though. I’m not that talented.” He chuckled, but the tips of his ears reddened, almost like he was self-conscious.
Why would Theo be embarrassed at all?
“Thank you,” I mumbled, my own face heating as he slid the plate over. No one in my entire life brought me dessert, except for my dad. Man, two memories of him in such a short time. I missed him so much it hurt to breathe sometimes. I had to get my emotions under wraps. “You didn’t have to do this?—”
“Yes, I did.” His tone had a bossy edge to it. His intense hazel eyes bore into mine, and I wished, probably for the first time ever, to know what he was thinking. If he saw me as a dork in a library, who was no fun at all.
“You see, you continue doing nice things for me yet are determined to keep me at a distance. I get why. I injured your brother.” His jaw flexed, and his gaze moved toward the left instead of my face.
My stomach dropped just thinking about Quentin and his comment to me. It was the ultimate betrayal to tell Theo my brother was planning something. Yet, I could warn him. Somehow. Without breaking Quentin’s trust. “Uh, are you and uh, Quentin okay?”
He barked out a humorless laugh. The muscles along his forearm flexed as he met my eyes. This time, there was no softness present. “Do you think we are? No. Of course we aren’t. The dude is determined to get me back for taking him out. And Reiner not only named me captain this year, but he wants me to mentor your brother.”
I winced. That was a terrible idea for so many reasons. “What?”
“Yeah.” He pressed his lips together and reached for a cookie. “I’m digging into the sugar cookie. Pen chose the sprinkles, but stop me now if you want this one.”
I shook my head, watching the way his teeth came down on the dessert. He had great teeth. White, straight, probably had braces when he was younger. I expected a missing tooth or something from all the roughhousing he did on the ice, but no, Theo had a great smile with no missing teeth.
“Do I have something on my face?”
“Oh. No.” I swallowed, my skin buzzing from getting caught mid-stare.
“Then why are you staring at my mouth like that?” His tone held no accusations or innuendo, just curiosity. I mean hell, why would Theo ever think I’d look at him with anything but disdain?
“You have perfect teeth.”
He chomped them down with a vampire-grin. “Thanks, grew them myself.”
A snort escaped before I could stop it. Then it shifted into a full chuckle. “You’re an idiot.”
“Yeah, but I like making you laugh.” He shrugged and pointed to the book I had open. “Auds, are you starting the second study already? You told me later this evening.”
“I needed to distract myself.” I twirled a highlighter in my fingers and blushed under the way he stared at me, almost like I was a specimen, and he was determined to figure me out. “The easiest way to engross myself is reading. Full nerd status.”
“Why do you need a distraction? Isn’t your life busy enough as is?” He smiled, taking another bite of the cookie.
It was a weird, gross feeling to be jealous of cookie, but I was pretty sure I was. He held it with his large hand, his fingers wrapping around it and bringing it up to his very full lips. Seriously. There had to be a study to read about why I was so focused on his mouth.
His question hung in the air, lingering between us. He’d brought me cookies. He’d taken me to ice cream. I helped with his siblings and notes. Maybe, just maybe, we could figure out this colleague, friend thing. I read that nurses had to have friends at work to get through the dark moments, so maybe it would be best for my career to befriend him in a professional, healthy way. That meant opening up.
“My dad passed away when I was in high school after a long, horrible battle with cancer. My mom hasn’t been the same since, and I was missing him today, how simple our life used to be before all the sickness.” I inhaled the fresh scent of coffee from the café near us. “This place reminds me of him.”
“I’m so sorry, Audrey.” Theo’s entire face softened as he sighed. “I’m sure that put you in a really tough situation of taking care of your mom and your brother. I know how hard that can be, truly. You’re suddenly expected to be a grown-up when you’re a kid yourself, and it’s… exhausting.”
“Yes.” I nodded, hard. He understood it. He got it. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I continued, “I want to make the best choices, but the stress overwhelms me all the time. What even is the right choice? We had a plan before he was sick, but it’s different now, and I wonder if I’m making everyone’s lives worse.” I spoke in riddles because I couldn’t complain about Quentin to him. That would be messed up.
“My mom had a stroke a year ago.” Theo’s voice hardened, his eyes filling with sadness and turmoil as he stared at me.
My gut fell, sympathy for him gripping me.
“Penny was three and a half, and suddenly my dad had to put my mom in a care facility because she needed so much help. We don’t have good insurance, so the cost is ungodly, and my dad is working all the damn time. I’m suddenly the parent to my siblings.” Theo ran a hand over his face. “I know what you mean, Auds. I fucking understand all of it. It’s numbing at times. It paralyzes me. How am I qualified to help Penny at school? Or tell Daniel the right advice about bullies?”
“Theo,” I whispered, the urge to crawl across the table and hug him so strong my hands twitched. I couldn’t even finish the sentence. Saying sorry was pointless. I hated hearing it over after losing my dad. It didn’t help. Sometimes, just listening and being there was enough.
He shrugged and ran a hand through his hair, pulling on the ends and causing it to stick up in weird angles. It was absolutely endearing. “Is it better or worse to lose someone you love completely, like your dad? Or to watch someone you love never be themselves again? My mom is my favorite person alive, but she’s not herself. Because of the severity of her stroke, her speech and entire left side were affected. Even with all the therapies, the chances are slim that she’ll ever be the mom we all need again. We don’t know what the future holds for her.”
Tears welled up and spilled down my face, and Theo saw it. “Oh, Auds.” He moved out of his chair and kneeled in front of me, his hands coming up to wipe the tears off my face. Him touching me crossed so many lines in my head at how close he was to me, how near his lips were to mine, and how good he smelled, but none of that mattered when he pulled me into a hug.
“I should’ve asked if you wanted a hug, but I’m selfish and need one myself.” He spoke into my shoulder, his face completely buried against me. His hair tickled my chin, and I could hardly breathe with him pressed up against me. His arms came around my middle, squeezing me. His touch was a comfort and a flame. Parts of my body that had lain dormant for years came to life. My thighs tingled, heat spread to my core, and even my nipples tightened with want. My pulse raced, and my breath quickened as I returned Theo Sanders’s hug, and holy shit, I liked it.
His back was so thick and strong, and his cologne was like an evergreen tree and leather had a baby. I breathed him in as he cupped the back of my neck and held me against him.
His large fingers dug into my scalp, as he said, “Fuck, I needed this. Thank you.”
Then, he released me and returned to his seat, a small smile playing on his lips. His eyes seemed lighter as he leaned back in his chair with a sigh. “Fun fact about me, my love language is touch. A good hug can reset me and give me all the endorphins I need, and damn, Auds, you’re a great person to hug.”
My world was spiraling out of control. Gravity stopped working, and I floated in the library archives. It was wild how no one saw me just hanging out in the air as I tried to connect back to my body. That hug changed my life. I wanted it again. I felt safe and excited and comforted and turned on all from his hug, and it didn’t matter that it was Theo Sanders. He understood what I lived with such clarity that it was addictive. I wanted more of it.
“Yeah, uh, that was…” My voice trailed off as my entire face heated like a firepit. I nervously pushed my hair behind my ears, unsure what to do with my hands. They trembled. “Thank you,” I managed to whisper. “I needed that too.”
“Okay, so do you have something else to work on today?”
How did he go right back to his cheery, annoyingly upbeat self? My whole body was in panic mode, trying to figure out what was right and wrong, and he was just so happy. Ugh. Unfair.
“Uh, yes.” I sounded like an imbecile, unable to form full sentences or speak more than a few words. He stared at me, and I immediately focused on the plate of cookies.
“Perfect. I vote you focus on whatever else you need to do, and I’ll do the reading for the second study and try to provide the same detailed notes you did. Those were amazing, Auds. Also, can we talk about your handwriting?”
“What about it?”
“It’s amazing.” He smiled and pointed to my notebook. “Look at your letters. Seriously, you could sell this as a font online or something. Pretty sure people do that.”
“Thank you.” My skin warmed for the millionth time from his compliment. “Never thought about going that far with it, but good to know.”
“Always solid to have a backup plan.” He winked.
That simple gesture rattled me. It was playful and flirty and fun. All the things I wasn’t. I pressed my lips together. I needed a distraction from him. “You can send the notes to me whenever you get them done.”
“Sure will, but it sounds like you’re kicking me out? I hoped I could hang here with you for a few hours.” He frowned and cracked his knuckles on his left hand. “I might’ve assumed you’d be down for that, so I apologize. You probably want space. Mm, yeah, okay. I can go?—”
“No!” I blurted out. “I don’t want you to go.”
“Huh.” He grinned wide, the playful spark coming back. “You sure?”
I nodded. “I like the company.”
“Whoa, Auds. That’s a big move for us. Alert the media.”
My lips quirked. “Stop. Don’t be annoying. You’re not horrible to be around.”
“Okay, you’re gonna declare your love for me soon. Could you scale it back?”
Damn. I smiled before I could stop it. Theo’s face changed as he stared at me, his lips parting and his eyes widening. His nostrils even flared. “What is it?”
“You have a fucking beautiful smile.” He pursed his lips and shook his head before letting out a little laugh. “Seriously, it’s a good thing you don’t flash that around all the time. It’d cause car accidents.”
He was teasing. That was a joke. There was no way he thought my smile was beautiful. Yet, my voice caught in the back of my throat, and my skin felt too tight on my body. You have a fucking beautiful smile. No one in my life had said those words to me. They made me feel… alive in ways I forgot existed. A blush crept down my neck, and I rubbed it, willing the flush away, when I realized I hadn’t responded. “Thank you for saying that. That was very kind.”
“It’s the truth, Auds.” His gaze zeroed in on my mouth again. “I’d never be foolish enough to tell you to smile more. Fuck those weird men who say that, but just know that I’ll remember every time you do. That’s for damn sure.”
I sucked in a breath as fire licked my skin, starting at my head and neck all the way down to my toes. His words had a way of affecting me so much it alarmed me. I knew what attraction was, as I’d read about it. But to experience it like this, with him? Overwhelming. It had to be a fluke. A weird byproduct of my mood.
Yeah.
I wouldn’t feel this again, I was positive. So, I focused on my studies and not Theo the rest of the afternoon. I’d use the next two days to get this weird blip out of my system. Crushing on Theo, the guy who hurt Quentin, would only complicate my mess of feelings.
And I couldn’t afford any more distractions.