Chapter 17
Audrey
It had been two days since Theo spent the night, and my stomach still fluttered thinking about it. We’d spooned. The entire night. I’d never slept next to another human like that nor had I felt so safe. Theo made me feel… normal, secure, and protected. I didn’t realize one could feel this way, and I couldn’t keep a dreamy smile off my face.
I walked in a semi-trance to my classes that Monday, lost in thoughts, and that was why I didn’t see my brother until we were ten feet apart. It wasn’t often we crossed paths on the quad, but seeing him in person caused a horrible pang in my chest. All the horrible feelings from Saturday came back, clouding every good thought I had, reminding me I knew better than to be happy.
That didn’t happen to me. Good things never did.
“Auds, what up, sis?” Quentin flashed a smile as he clutched his bag to his shoulder. Two other guys on the team stood next to him, all of them wearing Wolves shirts with the hockey logo, but I couldn’t even speak.
My words were stuck between the anger and hurt. My text to my mom last week was still unanswered, yet she’d accepted the cash I sent her with that’s all you have? Quentin never reached out to me first. My pulse raced, and my head spun. Breathe. Theo’s kind yet firm voice from Saturday repeated in my head, and I sucked in oxygen.
“You good?” Liam or Lenny or Landon asked. He was tall and played defense, I was pretty sure. He seemed to pick up on my spiraling, but I nodded and avoided their gazes.
I kept walking. My legs took charge to get me away from him. If I could just walk faster, I could take the first left, and sure, it’d be longer to the lab, but it’d be easier.
“Audrey, what the hell?” Quentin’s voice was laced with annoyance. “Is there a reason you’re not stopping?”
“Class,” I whispered, still not slowing or looking at him. There was too much hurt in me, too many feelings.
His fingers wrapped around my forearm, gently, and he stilled me. “Are you okay? You’re acting weird.”
“I’m fine.” I stared at the sidewalk, where three ants went after a chip. They had to have friends on the way soon. “I need to go, Quentin.”
“How are clinicals going? You started, right?”
Oh. He wanted to talk about this right now? No. I jerked my arm out of his reach and mumbled, “I’ll talk to you later.”
He let me leave, thankfully. But my heart raced. My pulse was elevated, and it made me dizzy, but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to talk to him or see him. I needed more time. I heaved for breath as I pushed into the building with our labs.
I leaned against the wall and let the cool tile sooth me for a few minutes. My phone buzzed, Quentin probably, but I didn’t glance at it. I wasn’t ready.
For someone who avoided confrontation at all costs, this was overstimulating. Too much. I wasn’t equipped to handle these feelings.
“Auds?”
A familiar, safe voice neared me, and I sought on comfort in it. I found Theo’s kind eyes and ran toward him. He wore a sweatshirt and shorts with a backward hat, and he opened his arms wide for me, and I slammed into him. He surrounded me in a huge hug, his cologne and the fresh scent of laundry filling my nose. His heartbeat was strong and consistent, and I matched my breathing to his.
There.
Calm.
“Honey, what happened? I’m glad to see you, and I was worried how you’d greet me, but I was not expecting a bear hug.” He chuckled and tried to end the hug, but I clung harder. “Are you okay?”
I nodded. “Just need to breathe for a second.”
“Ah, yes. Good ole breathing.”
He held me for a minute in the middle of the hallway as students walked by. I didn’t care. They could judge me if they wanted. Theo was safe for me. I took one last inhale and glanced up at him. He smiled at me, his gaze warm and gorgeous, and I blushed.
“This is embarrassing.”
“You hugging me? Nope. Not at all. I love it.” He placed his hands on my hips and dug his fingers into the skin exposed between my shirt and jeans. “I do need you to tell me what brought you to this rescue hug though.”
Guilt stabbed me in the gut. The one regret in all this was the fact I hated complaining about Quentin to Theo. Theo had to deal with so much shit on the team because of Quentin’s injury, and the fact my brother hurt me meant Theo would never bond with him.
“I can see the indecision on your face, your debate if you should tell me. I’m asking you to tell me. Please.” He rubbed his lips together, and my own tingled.
I wanted to kiss him, but I wasn’t sure I could. We weren’t there.
“I ran into my brother, and I couldn’t talk to him. I freaked out mentally.” I exhaled, telling him the truth. “He tried talking to me, even grabbed me?—”
“He grabbed you?”
“Not, not anything bad. Just, stopped me when I walked by.” My voice shook. “I can’t avoid him forever, but I can’t even look at him without my chest aching. What should I do, Theo? Avoid him until I feel better, which might not ever happen? Confront him? God, the thought of doing that gives me hives.”
“Ah, I’m so sorry, Auds.” He moved one hand from my hip to my collarbone, his thumb gently massaging my shoulder. “I don’t know what to tell you because we’re so different. But you do need to do what feels right. Maybe you tell him you need space and ask him to respect it.”
I swallowed. “Yeah, maybe I’ll do that.”
“What class are you heading to now?” He stared right at me. He never once let his attention shift to anyone moving around us, and it was an intoxicating feeling.
“Lab simulation with Professor Grundy.”
“Ah, nice. Just left hers. Do you have plans after?”
“Library,” I said out of habit. “But its changeable! I’m free if you’re asking to hang out. I can. Do you want to hang out with me?”
He grinned. “You’re the cutest, but I have to get my siblings in about thirty minutes today.”
“Oh. Yeah.” I swallowed down the disappointment. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to spend time with him. We’d texted a few times since he left my dorm Sunday morning, but I didn’t know what to expect. Maybe that was a one-time thing? Yeah, that made sense. I didn’t want to get my hopes up and be hurt.
A line formed between his brows as he exhaled. His minty breath hit my face as he rested his forehead against mine for a second. “Auds, your sad face kills me every time. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” My stomach was in knots, and I was too hot. It was forward of me to assume he wanted to hang out. “I should head to my labs now.”
“Baby, no, please. I can’t let you go when you’re upset.” He cupped my face now, his eyes searching mine. “Do you want to come over? I didn’t mean to upset you. I wanted to know what your plans were, if you had something fun to take your mind off your brother. You could join us for dinner at the house.”
“Oh, no, that’s a family thing.” I forced a smile, hating this so much. I didn’t know the rules. I didn’t know how to date. I didn’t know how to handle all these feelings, when I’d been numb most of my life. I stepped back. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning at the hospital.”
“Why are you pulling away?” He frowned, his shoulders sagging. “I want to hang out with you. I always want to see you. You know that, right?”
I nodded, just needing this conversation to be done. Between Quentin and Theo, I wanted a good cry. Which, that wasn’t me! I didn’t cry. I carried on. Distracted. All these feelings were gonna make my body shut down.
“I fucked this up.” He ran a hand through his hair, and regret lined his face. “Fuck. What can I do Audrey?”
“You didn’t fuck up.” I swallowed the ball of emotion, counting the seconds until we walked away. “We’re okay.”
I had no idea what okay meant, but it seemed like the right thing to say.
“I wish I didn’t have to be a parent right now. I wish so badly.” He frowned again and gently grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers. “If my life wasn’t what it was, I’d wait for you after class. I’d go buy you flowers, and we’d walk back to your place. Or we’d get ice cream.”
I gave a half smile. “It’s a nice idea.”
“Why do I feel like I’m losing a part of you?” He shook his head, his jaw flexing. “Can you please join us for dinner? Daniel and Penny would be so happy. Em might even stay home if she knew you were coming. I know it’s not fun or exciting, but it’s the only thing I can offer, and I feel like we need to talk.”
“Need to talk?”
I blinked. That sounded like a breakup. But we weren’t together-together, right?
“Oh shit. Shit. No! Not…” He laughed and yanked me against his chest. “I need to leave before I ruin everything. Your sad face is brutal, and it’s making me ramble like an idiot. I meant I want to hang out with you. Talk. See you. Kiss you. Will you please come over for dinner?”
This time, he hugged me like he needed me. I enjoyed his siblings a lot, and the other choice was to be in my room alone. My phone buzzed in my pocket again, and even though I knew it was unlikely, Quentin could try and stop by. I wasn’t ready for that, so yeah, going to Theo’s family’s house was the better option.
“Okay, I’ll come over.”
His relief was instant. His muscles relaxed, and the pang in my chest loosened. Maybe I wasn’t the only one unsure of what we were. “Thank you. Thank you.”
“Can we maybe talk about what we even are? I’m struggling with it,” I whispered into his chest. “I don’t know the rules, and because I don’t have guidelines, I’m nervous and unsure.”
“Baby, yes.” He chuckled softly, the rumble of his chest vibrating my face. “Happy to talk this through with you. Whatever you need to feel better.”
Every time he said baby, my insides did a flip-flop.
“Do you want to spend the night tonight?” He cupped my chin, and his blue eyes sparkled down at me. “We could drive to clinicals together.”
A bolt of heat went through me. I wanted more cuddles, more exploding of our bodies. Even the thought of it had me clearing my throat. His grin widened, like he knew where my thoughts were going. I nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good.”
“Wear the sexy bra, please.”
I snorted at his haggard voice, and his eyes softened. “There she is. My Auds is back. I love that fucking snort.”
The endless swooping feeling returned, and instead of being self-conscious, I liked his attention. “I’ll think about it.”
“Please.” He pressed his lips to mine once, then twice. “Mm, I want to kiss you more, but you’ll be late. I can swing by your dorm after I pick up my siblings?”
“Yeah. That sounds… great.” I smiled and tried not to think about the tingling sensation all over my body. All from a promise, from a kiss. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Just being you.”
“Might be the nicest thing anyone’s said to me.” He winked and slowly stepped back. “See you later, baby.”
This would be the third time we spent the night together, and an explosion of nerves blasted through me, causing my stomach to flutter. This was big. Good. Amazing.
I just couldn’t let anything get in the way.
That meant continuing to ignore my brother and mom, push the hurt away and enjoy my time with Theo…while it lasted.