Chapter 19
Audrey
I woke up warm and content, a feeling I hadn’t experienced in a long time. It was the moment between dreaming and being aware of surroundings where my heart beat faster and the urge to want more hit me. Staying behind the scenes was easier, focusing on others’ wants and needs was easier than concentrating on my own. Way less pain, way fewer opportunities to get hurt. But after falling asleep wrapped in Theo’s arms and hearing him murmur such kind things… I wanted it. Plus, holy shit. Experiencing him going down on me? Unreal.
Un freaking real.
So, the continual buzzing of my phone intruded on the thought, and my gut tightened like it knew who was calling me. My brother.
“Do you need to answer it?” Theo’s morning voice grumbled. His breath hit the spot behind my ears, and it sent a flurry of goose bumps over me.
“I don’t want to.”
“Then don’t.” He kissed the center of my neck. “You don’t owe anyone anything. Remember that, okay?”
My screen lit up the room, and Quentin’s name flashed. The urge to ignore him forever was there, but I switched the situation around in my mind. If he didn’t answer me for a whole night, I’d lose my mind. He could be freaking out, but it wasn’t likely.
Yet, the guilt of hurting him hurt me. Would this ever go away? Probably not. It came with the baggage of borderline raising him.
“You’ll feel better if you answer him.” Theo reached over me and grabbed my phone to hand to me. “I can leave the room for a minute if you’d like.”
“What? No. It’s your room. I just… I can text him.” I sighed, and Theo put a reassuring hand on my hip. I wore one of his extra-large shirts, and I loved how the material bunched up on my thighs. I felt safe around him, in his clothes and surrounded by his smell.
“Do you want to talk it out first with me?”
Another stab of guilt hit me. “Theo,” my voice cracked. “How can you be so nice about this? You should hate me, my brother. I was so mean to you and?—”
“Stop.” He caged my face with his hands, one strong forearm on either side of my head. He kissed me softly, and his eyes softened. “Families are complicated. Look at mine.”
“Sure, but?—”
“That’s it. I’m into you. We’re dating.”
I gulped. My face prickled with heat. We’d never talked last night, not like I needed. We were too caught up in the moment, but despite the connection we had, it still worried me to explicitly ask what that meant. Self-doubt intruded as my thoughts clouded. I didn’t have my shit together at all with my brother or mom, and I didn’t even know what dating meant. Why would he be into me at all?
“I can read your face so well now.” He smiled and kissed my forehead. “You want to know what dating means, yeah?”
I nodded. “Please.”
“Well.” He pursed his lips, his eyes twinkling. “It can mean different things to different people and couples, so it’s important were on the same page. I can tell you that the way I feel about you is different from anyone else I’ve dated, but I want to make sure you’re there too.”
My jaw tightened as my stomach swooped. Different was good. Yeah. “I’m there, I think.”
“You think?” He grinned and tickled my side. “Auds, I’m not beneath playing dirty for you.”
I snorted. “Okay so we’re dating…”
“Exclusively.” He held my gaze and did the intense stare again, where his gaze moved from my left eye, then right, then my mouth, and repeat. It was quite intoxicating.
“Yeah?” he added, a slight line between his brows.
I was silent for too long. “Yes. Definitely yes.”
“You’re so fucking cute. Okay, we date exclusively.”
“Do we… tell people? Not that I have anyone to tell, but if you want to keep it secret, that’s… I get it.” I gulped. There. That was my darkest insecurity. He wanted to hide it because he’d get shit for it. But I hugged him in public, and he didn’t seem to care.
He rubbed his lips together as he studied me. Something flashed across his face, doubt or worry or something horrible, and I tensed, waiting for his words to crush me. But then one side of his lips curved, and he nodded. “I will follow your lead on this.”
“Are… are you sure?”
“Yes, Audrey.” He kissed my cheek and pushed up from the bed. “Call your brother back.”
“Wait.” That couldn’t be it. We needed to discuss more. Right?
“Hm?” He rubbed his face and yawned and looked so vulnerable and adorable that my chest ached. I’d never get tired of seeing him stretch or sleep or yawn or breathe.
“Is that it?”
“I thought so. Is anything unclear? We can keep talking all you want. I want you sure on us.” He threw his scrubs onto the floor from his third drawer. “What’s going through that brilliant mind of yours?”
“I thought it would be more difficult. Like, arguing or something.”
“What would we argue about?” He chuckled and cupped my face, his blue eyes sparkling. “You’re my girl. I’m proud of you, us, all of it. Nothing to argue about. If you want to hide it because of your brother, that’s okay with me for now. Someday, I might want more, but I’ll follow your lead.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” He rubbed his thumb over my bottom lip. “Now, we need to get moving, or we’re gonna be late, and Marcy terrifies me. You call your brother while I get ready.”
He left me in his room while he disappeared into the bathroom, and I faced my phone. Ten missed calls. Ten texts.
All from Quentin.
Where are you?
Are you alive?
AUDREY WTF IS GOING ON
WHY WON’T YOU ANSWER ME?
I’m going to your dorm.
Where the fuck are you???
Okay, I’m freaking the fuck out. You’re not at the library.
My gut churned worse than the one summer I threw up on a roller coaster. I hated making him worry, but he rarely considered my feelings. My fingers trembled with unease as I hit dial. It was six am, but he always got up early, ever since he was a kid.
“Audrey? Are you okay?” his voice sounded ragged, like he’d been screaming.
“Hey,” I said, squishing the blanket in my hands to rid myself of this horrible worry. “I’m fine.”
“Why the hell didn’t you answer me? I’ve been fucking looking for you everywhere. Where are you? Did you check your phone, or was this fun for you? Did you think about how worried I’d be?”
Of course, he turned this back on me, and my eyes watered. You owe him nothing.
“Enough.” I stood and paced Theo’s room. “Did you ever think I didn’t want to talk to you?”
“Audrey. What… what’s going on?” His voice took on a tone I had never heard before. He seemed upset.
“Did you ever think about that? That my world doesn’t revolve around you and your feelings? I know it seems like I do revolve around your feelings since you discard me whenever you feel like it.” My voice cracked, and I didn’t care if he heard my hurt. “You don’t care about me or what I’m going through, so please just… leave me alone.”
“Audrey, no, where are you? Can we talk? This… are you drunk?”
“No. I’m not drunk. I’m with someone who actually makes me feel good about myself, okay?” My hands shook so hard I dropped the phone, just as Theo came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Water dripped down his chest, and he was a damn smoke show. It wasn’t his look though that hooked into me like a fishing wire. It was the look his eyes and the way he mouthed I got you.
He held out his arms, and I walked into them.
Quentin’s voice grew hoarse. “With who? Are you seeing someone? I should know about that, Audrey.”
“So should I, but you and mom had a great dinner without me. Now I have to go.”
I hung up as Theo squeezed me against his chest. “I didn’t handle that well.”
“There is no right or wrong way to handle family shit. Hell, I’m probably fucking that up every day,”
“Maybe we are a decent pair then. You and your dad, and me and my brother.” I sniffed, and he chuckled, the deep rumbles in his chest vibrating against my face. “I hate that I care so much.”
“It means you have a big heart. A good one. Now, let’s go let Marcy boss us around for a few hours for fun. Nothing like needles and blood to take the mind off family drama.”
“So romantic.”
He laughed, and it was so easy how seamlessly we fit together. I still had my doubts that crept in every few minutes, but being with him made me dream about a future of us together. One that seemed magical and filled with joy. I could imagine the two of us living together and hanging out with his siblings, but that wouldn’t be reality. He’d travel all the time for hockey, and hell, he was leaving after this year. I had no idea what we’d be then.
Even as Theo made me laugh as we got ready and drove to clinicals, a part of me knew this would come to an end at some point. I’d just soak up every minute of it while I could.
Theo droppedme off at my dorm after a long twelve-hour shift. Marcy wanted us to experience one full-length one so we knew what we were up for, and my feet ached. I wanted to sleep for a week, but there wasn’t time. She gave us two more studies to read and then our group project had to present our status PSA, and of course no one had done their part. It was like the bubble with Theo popped just like that, and my real life came flying back.
It also didn’t help that Quentin leaned outside my dorm with his arms crossed. “Stop the car,” I demanded, my throat tightening. “My brother is up there.”
“Mm,” Theo pulled off to the side and put his truck in Park. “You do know he’s aware we’re partners?”
“Is he?” I didn’t tell him. “You told him?”
He nodded. “Do you want me walking in with you, Auds?”
“No, just.” I huffed and swallowed the ball of emotion growing by the minute. “You are such a trigger for him. If he sees me with you, he could?—”
“Could he hurt you?”
“No! No. Never.” I pushed my hair behind my ears, nervous as hell. Theo was too still, too expressionless. “I don’t know why he’s here.”
“He probably wants to talk to you after your phone call.” His voice was natural, calm. I hated it.
“Are you mad at me?” I hated that I had to ask, but I felt his disappointment deep in my pores, and it made me feel like shit. “I’m sorry. Please… I don’t…”
“I’m not upset with you.” Theo stared at my brother and sighed. “I get it. You don’t want to anger him more.”
“Yes. Exactly.”
“Okay.” He tapped the wheel and glanced at me, a sad smile on his lips. “I’d love to walk you to your dorm, hang out a little, but another time then.”
I nodded. “Thank you. I’m…I’m sorry.”
“Hey.” He took my hand and kissed the back of it. “I’m into you, okay? I’m patient. Someday, we can tell him.”
“How are you not worried about hockey with us?”
“What’s there to worry about?” He gripped the wheel and wouldn’t glance at me. “Quentin isn’t going to be on the ice a lot, and even if he were, he’s not… it doesn’t matter. I’m not worried about the team at all.”
“What do you mean he’s not?”
“Baby, please don’t do this, not now.” His face was pained. “Go talk to your brother, but I’m gonna wait here for ten minutes. Call me if you need me, okay?”
“Okay.” I gripped the door handle but then leaned over and kissed him. “I’m, uh, into you too.”
“Don’t make me blush,” he teased, and that joke made everything all better. My time with him wasn’t coming to an end yet.
I waved before jumping out of the truck, still far enough that Quentin didn’t see how I would’ve arrived. I had no idea how long he’d stood out there, but when he saw me, he pushed off the wall and hobbled toward me. “What are you?—”
“Can we talk?” he interrupted me, his gaze frantically moving over my face. “I can take your bag. Here.”
He yanked it from my shoulder, almost too hard, because it hurt my skin, and he cussed. “I’m sorry. Shit.”
“It’s fine.” I took my keycard out and opened the door to my building. He followed, not saying a word. Usually, he chatted nonstop. Mainly about himself. Or hockey. Or his friends.
Now, it was silence.
God, when was the last time things were actually good between us? Four years ago? I didn’t know, but I was so tired of the fa?ade. Being with Theo retaught me how to have fun and find joy. Quentin hadn’t been someone who brought me joy, not in a while.
“Can I come in?”
“You’re asking?” I fired back. He’d usually barge in without pausing. Like his presence was a gift to me. Unlocking the door, I pushed it open, and he followed.
“Do I, uh, not normally ask you?”
I shook my head and crossed my arms. “Why are you here? I asked you to leave me alone.”
His face twisted in pain as he ran a hand over it. “You saw me and mom.”
Fuck. The way my stomach caved had me grip the side of my chair, and I sat. I nodded. Despite there being a few days of distance, the image still hurt so badly. I lost my parent, and Quentin still had his.
“That wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“Clearly.”
“No, it’s not like that, Audrey.” He sat on the edge of my bed, gripping his head in his hands.
“What is it like then? I’d love to know. Mom only talks to me when she needs money. Did you know that? Every week she texts or calls me and demands money and tells me I’m selfish. I sent her the money that probably paid for your stupid dinner.”
His eyes widened and he gasped. “What?”
I wasn’t done. “You act like I have no life and will just cater my schedule to yours. I don’t want to be in a family where no one loves me anymore.”
“That’s…dramatic and not fucking true.”
“Yes, it is.” I swallowed and held my own. “When was the last time you asked me to do something I wanted to do? Do you even know what I like? Do you ever ask about how I am or what I’m doing? Never. Not once. I tell you I don’t want to talk, and you bombard my phone, disrespecting what I asked. Even now, I said I wanted distance, and you show up at my place. This isn’t what family does. It’s not even what friends do. I think… I think you need to leave. I don’t want to see you.”
“But you’re my sister.”
“Yeah, but being related doesn’t mean shit.” I held it together. I didn’t cry. No tears. “I’m done with a one-sided relationship. I deserve more.”
“Audrey. Audrey.” He kept blinking as he paled. His hand was on his chest, and his eyes lost that normal mischief. A part of me felt bad for hurting him, but he was a grown man. He could handle his own emotions and needs. Not me anymore.
God, my palms sweated, and my pulse was dangerously high. I’d said my part. I did it without falling apart. My adrenaline was crazy high, but that was a problem for later, not now. “Why are you still here?”
“This is crazy.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Can we… talk about this? I can explain Mom. But the money… I don’t…”
“I honestly don’t care. I’m an afterthought for you both, and I’m sick of it.” I went to the door and opened it. “Time to go.”
“Please… please don’t.” His face looked pained, like this actually hurt him, but that was absurd.
He would miss my money. That was it.
“You have your girl-whatever, mom, the team. You have enough people in your life who can be there for you. You don’t need me.” The first urge to cry hit me, thinking about the fact that I didn’t have many other people. Really just Theo, but that was temporary.
I’d be alone, but at least I wouldn’t be disappointed.
“I’ll give you time, but we’re still friends, Auds. It was you and me for so long.” He reached out like he was gonna hug me, but I backed out of it. “I don’t know what happened for you to turn against me, but I’ll figure it out.”
“Start in the mirror. Now, goodbye.” I shut the door and leaned against it, the sobs hitting me the second he was out of view. The adrenaline had to escape now. It was overwhelming. I had never been so cruel in my entire life, and I wanted to throw up. I’d hurt my brother. The person who I used to love more than anything.
Fuck.
I was gonna be sick. I ran toward the bathroom and barely made it before throwing up. I hadn’t eaten all day, so it wasn’t much, but the shakes started, and I wet a washcloth just as someone knocked on the door. How dare he… “I told you to?—”
It was Theo.
“I couldn’t leave without making sure you were okay. Oh, honey.” His face twisted with concern as he walked in and pulled me into a hug. “I got you. It’ll be okay.”
That’s when I knew I was in trouble with Theo. He held me as I cried, and I fell completely, foolishly in love with him. The one guy I should never fall for, I did, and he owned my heart now.