Chapter 23
Audrey
I went into fight-or-flight mode. My job here was to support Theo, but every part of my body buzzed with adrenaline. Was his dad going to leave them entirely, making Theo the parent of three kids? I’d help him, if that scenario was true.
Or had his mom passed? Or showed improvement?
Or were they going to fight it out?
I wasn’t sure, but I’d be ready for every outcome. Theo shook and was so fucking scared I wanted to crawl inside his body to give him my strength.
Theo froze, right in the hallway, his eyes wide as his hand on mine gripped so tight it hurt.
“Sit down.” His dad gestured toward the table, his attention landing on me. “You’re welcome here too. Audrey, right?”
“She’s not leaving,” Theo barked out.
“Hey, let’s sit, okay?” I tugged his arm and guided us toward the kitchen chair. It was like moving a cement block, and I pushed him into the chair before taking the spot right next to him. “Mr. Sanders, could you please share your news? Do you not see Theo is freaking out?”
His dad studied his son, the trepidation present on his face minutes ago shifting into worry. “Theo, I’m sorry. This isn’t—she’s okay. She’s doing well actually.”
Theo swallowed, and I gripped his hand. I drew circles on the top of his wrist, hoping he would focus on the sensation. “Good. Good.”
“She might be well be enough to move home soon, where she won’t need 24/7 care within the next year or so.” His dad sighed, and the sound echoed in the kitchen, the stress radiating off him in waves. I felt bad for him.
“This is good news, but I rushed here. Why?”
“She wants to see you. I think… and well, there’s something I need to admit to you. I-I—” He paused and hung his head. “Okay, maybe this would be better to discuss alone.”
“No.” Theo’s voice left no room to argue. I even sat up straighter. This didn’t feel good. The air changed from the initial good news, and I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to form a game plan for what Theo would need.
“Fuck, I should just… you were right the other night, okay?”
“About what?”
“I’ve been a terrible father and husband.”
“What does that mean?” Theo’s entire body turned to ice, and his voice dropped an octave. “I know you’ve been a terrible dad, but husband? What does that fucking mean?”
His dad sniffed and ran his hands over his face. “I had an affair.” His dad stood up from the table, pacing the kitchen where Theo froze.
His skin grew cold. His face remained unmovable. He could’ve been carved into stone before he said, “You had an affair.”
Oh god. His voice was dangerous, low, and lethal.
“Your mom knows. You couldn’t make me feel worse than I do.” His dad’s voice cracked, and I wished to be anywhere but here.
This was personal. His family. I tried moving my hand, but Theo held it tighter. No. I could be here for him, like he was for me with my brother.
My heart pounded against my ribs, my stomach rolling with nausea. Theo had to be fucking destroyed.
“She refused a divorce. I offered her one?—”
“So she’d lose her fucking insurance?” Theo yelled. “You’d do that to her, wouldn’t you?”
“No. No.” His dad’s face was red, and his eyes watered. “I fucked up. Badly. With you, with her. Probably Em. Daniel and Penny still hug me. I don’t deserve their trust. I didn’t handle the stroke well at all, and I was set on my life imploding. And you know what kept me going? You. You took charge and made sure our family was okay, and I’m indebted to you the rest of your life. But I’m ready to own my shit and be better. You can hate me. You should. I lied. All those nights working, I lied.”
Theo breathed so fast, his chest moved up and down nonstop. A muscle in his jaw kept ticking, and when he spoke, his voice cracked. “I’m so fucking mad at you.”
“I know you are.” His dad shrugged and looked so pathetic and sad my own eyes watered. “Be mad at me. Be furious. But you calling me on my shit awoke something in me, and I’m sorry it took so long to wake up. You don’t have to watch your siblings anymore. I’ll take care of everything. You can enjoy your life as you should.”
“Are you going to tell Em?”
“I’d rather not.” His dad gulped. “But if you choose to, I’ll deal with it. I’m not avoiding the truth, but I don’t want her hating me when you leave next year. And she would. She follows your lead on everything, Theo.”
“Why even tell me?” Theo’s palm sweated so much it dripped between our hands, but I didn’t dare move an inch.
“Because you deserve the truth from me.” His dad moved his eyes to me, his red-rimmed and devastated. “Please, take care of him.”
“I will.” I nodded, hoping that gesture gave Mr. Sanders some reassurance. Theo would be so hurt by this, and I’d help him. I’d do whatever it took. “Come on, Theo. We should leave.”
“One more thing, Theo.” His dad’s voice shook now. “I’m sorry I told you to not play hockey. That was selfish of me, and I regret that the most. Your mom is more pissed at me for saying that to you than the affair.”
Theo’s eyes fluttered, and I wrapped an arm around his waist, moving him out of the kitchen and onto the front porch. The fall air smelled like bonfires, and the sound of crickets and cicadas surrounded us. It would’ve been romantic if Theo wasn’t about to break down.
He plopped down on the front step, a vacant look in his eyes as he stared off into the distance. I moved right in front of him, waiting for him to meet my eyes. “What do you need right now? A rage room? A drink? To run? I can’t run fast or well, but I’ll run with you. Or I’ll drive next to you. Yeah, that’s more likely. Do you want to be alone? I don’t want to leave you, Theo, but I can like, take you to a field and stand at a distance.”
“No, don’t leave.” He ran a hand up my thigh and closed his eyes, resting his forehead against my stomach. “I’m gonna fall apart. I can feel it.”
“Stop fighting it then. I’ll help you pick up the pieces when you’re done, okay?” I ran my fingers through his hair and sniffed. “You don’t have to be strong around me. Just be yourself. I’m not going anywhere.”
It took a few seconds, then he released the most gut-wrenching sob. His shoulders trembled as he cried. It broke my soul apart. I held him, my own eyes watering as he lost it. “It’s okay, Theo. Let it out, sweetheart.”
It lasted maybe fifteen minutes, him resting his face against my stomach as I held onto him. Holding him, being the person to comfort him was the most influential moment of my life. I was put here to help him. To be there for him in whatever way he needed. “What do you want to do next?”
He wiped his face with the backs of his hands and gave me a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry I cried on you. Not my best moment.”
“Theo Sanders.” I cupped his wonderful face. “Don’t you dare apologize. This what couples do for each other when the other isn’t as strong.”
He laid his hands over mine, and his sad blue eyes shifted. “You’re amazing.” He kissed me, his lips still salty from his tears. “Audrey, I?—”
“Do you want to go see your mom?”
He blinked. “Will you come with me?”
I nodded and held out my hand. “I’ll drive you. Just tell me where to go.”
“I-I…Auds, baby, I haven’t been in months. She might hate me.” His jaw flexed, and his eyes lost the momentary warmth. “She’s there but not herself. It’s hard. I miss my mom, not…I sound so ungrateful.”
“No, you don’t.” I rubbed his back and regrouped. “I’m not going to force you, but if I were you, that’s who’d I’d go and see.”
“Okay. Yeah. I should. I’m gonna be a mess after though.”
“You’re my mess.” I winked, earning a laugh from him. The magical sound was all I wanted. I missed it. “I really want to meet this woman, Theo. She raised you, and you’re the best person I know.”
He pushed up and wrapped his arms around me, lifting me off the ground in a hug. “Thank you for being here with me.”
“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”
We drove in a comfortable silence to the care facility about twenty minutes from his house. It was only six at night, and they were still letting visitors in until seven. We signed in, and I took note of the decorations. This place seemed homey, comfortable. Music played from a speaker, and all the workers smiled.
“Is Mrs. Sanders still in the same room?” Theo asked, his voice barely a whisper.
The woman nodded with an understanding smile and pointed us down the northwest hallway. Theo’s posture shifted as he stalled.
“Audrey,” he begged, and I joined him and intertwined our fingers.
“It’ll be okay.” I swallowed my own grief, this reminding me of that final night I said goodbye to my dad. Tears prickled at my eyes as Theo led us to a slightly open door. A woman lay on the bed with a TV on next to her. She had the same light brown, blonde hair as Theo, and her gaze was the same dark blue. She was beautiful.
Her attention slowly moved toward Theo, and the way her face shifted to a smile broke my heart. She was happy.
“Theo.”
He ran toward her and pulled her gently into a hug. They each closed their eyes, and I wished I could take a photo. It was precious. Special. She cupped his face and said something to make him laugh. Thank god.
“You seem well,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I’m so fucking sorry I haven’t visited.”
“Nonsense. You’re in your senior year!”
Theo had mentioned she showed remarkable progress from her aphasia. She couldn’t speak the first year but could communicate. She did aggressive therapy and had been communicating well the last six months. A stab of heartache hit me, thinking about his dad and what he’d done.
People reacted to horrors differently. My mom cut me out of her life apart from demands for money. His dad fucked up, sure, but he was still there and wanting to be better. I understood it, even though Theo didn’t.
“I love you, Mom. I won’t go this long without visiting or calling.”
“Don’t apologize. Are you happy? How is your dad?”
Theo tensed and met my eyes. She followed her attention and smiled. “Are you a new nurse?”
“Ha, no, she is a nurse, Mom, but this is Audrey. My girlfriend.”
“Theo!” His mom grinned, and she blushed. “I’m in my pajamas.”
“Mrs. Sanders, it’s okay. It’s such an honor to meet you as-is. Your son… he is the best person I’ve ever met. Will ever meet. You should feel so proud.” I swallowed and shook her hand. “You raised quite a man.”
She nodded and smiled warmly at me. “I did, didn’t ?” She beamed at her son. “Thank you for coming here.”
“I actually really wanted to ask you something, Mom.”
“I can step out for a second?” I pointed to the hall. “I’ll give you a minute.”
“No, please stay.” His eyes pleaded with me, and I couldn’t deny him. Not now. Not ever, really.
“If you’re sure?” My gut clenched at the thought of hearing him and his mom talk about his dad. It was messy. Hard. Emotional. It made me think of Quentin and me and how difficult our next conversation would be. If we ever talked again…
I swallowed. I wanted him to apologize and make a move. I needed to know I mattered to him for real and not just as an obligation. I missed him, even if our relationship wasn’t ideal.
Theo pointed to the chair next to the bed, and I sat there, legs crossed. Once I was settled, he went back to his mom. “Dad told me about the affair. I’m so fucking mad I can’t even…”
“I forgave him, Theo.” Her voice was kind but firm. “I love your father, and I know he loves me. The last two years have been tough on him. He wasn’t supposed to tell you.”
“It’s been hard on him, sure, but who’s been picking up the slack, Mom? Me. He stepped out and left me to be in charge. I… I don’t know if I can forgive him. He cheated on you. You. He lied. Numerous times. I can’t… lying is a choice. One he made.”
His mom slowly blinked and cupped his hand. “Theo Kingston Sanders. You are the best child any parent could dream of. I’m so mad at him for abandoning you. I’m so sorry you had to step up.” She swallowed, and she pulled back, a vacant look in her eyes. She sucked in a breath and stared at me, then Theo. “Who…what was I saying?”
Theo blinked and leaned back, the light in his eyes dimming as he stared at his mom. Cognitive confusion, losing a thread of thought, all of that was normal from a recovering stroke victim. Seeing it real-time, in the middle of an intense conversation, was hard.
“Mom.” Theo’s voice cracked. “Hi, it’s me. That’s my girlfriend.”
“Oh, she’s lovely.” She beamed at me, no trace of recognition on her face. “Why are you both here?”
“I missed you.” He kissed the top of her head, lingering for a beat before he hugged her. “I won’t stay away so long next time.”
“Nonsense! You’re playing hockey! Have fun.” She yawned and waved at me. “Excuse me, I need to lay down. Will you both stay for lunch?”
“Oh, no thank you.’ We’re full.” I smiled, avoiding Theo’s knowing gaze. It was hours past lunch. “You rest, Mrs. Sanders.”
“You seem wonderful. Would you visit again?”
“Absolutely.” I squeezed her hand before holding it out for Theo to take. He kissed his mom’s forehead and let me lead him back outside. The air cooled slightly, and the sunset greeted us over the nice lake nearby. Theo inhaled a few times before letting go, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and tugging my back against his chest.
“I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you. I hope you know that. You are… everything, Audrey.” He kissed my temple. “You saw how she was… and my dad…”
“It’s complicated.” I closed my eyes and enjoyed how he felt around me. Large thick muscles, warmth and strength, soft clothes and gentle touches. For avoiding feelings most of my life, the loneliness was all worth it to wait for him. For us. “The love she has for you is real. It shines through.”
“How can she say she forgives my dad when she can’t remember things?”
“It’s probably short-term memory loss. She’ll remember the big stuff. She seemed healthy, happy even. Seeing you made her smile, and that’s not a memory she’d lose.”
He huffed and kissed my neck. “Can I stay with you tonight? I’m gonna be a mess, and I just want to lay naked with you.”
“That we can do.” I’d take care of him, like he had with me thousands of times. Because that was what a relationship should be like. You took turns leaning on each other. It wasn’t one-sided. I vowed then and there, I’d rather be alone and friendless than to accept half-friendships. That meant no more trying with my mom or Quentin. Unless they reached out and wanted to repair our family, I’d focus on myself and being happy.
With Theo, I felt whole again. I missed this feeling. I just hoped we’d make it last when he left to play for the Acorns.