Chapter 26
Theo
I was fucking angry.
Anger and adrenaline went hand in hand, and the energy leftover from the game combined with the mad. Audrey lied to me. She had kept information about my dad from me and told me nothing was wrong. I knew something was off before the game, and it bothered me the whole time. I let her lie throw me off my game, and I’d played like shit.
I couldn’t do that again, not in the NHL. I couldn’t let Audrey affect my game, and I had. All because of my fucking father.
He was cheating again. She knew. She didn’t hadn’t told me.
It hurt. I couldn’t have a girlfriend who lied to me. And Audrey was just so damn genuine I hadn’t expected it. It hurt. It fucking hurt to feel betrayed like that. And she knew how hard I was working to forgive my dad. So to lie for him when I was trying to like him again felt even worse. She should’ve told me. We could’ve handled it together. But no.
Fuck. My chest ached.
I walked toward the hockey house, desperate to find something to do instead of going to Audrey’s dorm or home. Hell, I didn’t want to see either Audrey or my dad, so I could crash at the house. Maybe have a few drinks and work through these fucked up emotions.
God, I was a mess. I’d played like shit, and all the trust I’d built up with Audrey and my dad was gone. I rubbed my hands over my eyes as I walked in. A few of the younger guys were already there, cups in hand and music blaring. I poured a beer and sat on the couch, my leg bouncing up and down with the unshed adrenaline. Girls showed up, dancing on each other and searching for their newest hookup. One eyed me, and I shook my head, ending whatever notion she had going on in her mind.
I was pissed and betrayed, but I wasn’t an asshole.
My phone buzzed, and foolishly, I hoped it was Audrey. I wanted her apologizing. I wanted her to say something to make this better so I could just go to her dorm. Because even though I had a drink and was around everyone, I fucking felt alone and only wanted her.
Dad: please don’t be mad at Audrey. She was thinking about you. It was also my new therapist. If you need to be mad, be mad at me. Not the girl who was trying to protect you.
A new therapist?
Did I believe him?
I did. He told me he was searching for one to help him work through the changes in Mom. I’d never shared that with Audrey because it slipped my mind. I tried not talking about him with her because it brought me down, but if I’d told her, would she have done this?
Wait. Protect me? My dad was on her side. That was confusing as fuck. A part of me liked that he was protecting her. She was amazing, but then the loss of the game and her blatant lie soured my thoughts.
“Scoot over.”
I glanced up and found Quentin staring at me with a different expression. He seemed upset. I didn’t move one inch. I didn’t wanna deal with him today. Unless something had happened to his sister?
“Is she okay?” I asked, voice dry as a desert.
“You mean after I walked her home so she wouldn’t be alone? Or after you made her sob?” His words were sharp.
Fuck me. The pain in my gut intensified. She shouldn’t be upset at me. She would feel guilty. “I?—”
“Sanders, we’ve had a fucking journey together this semester, but let me make a few things clear. I figured out you two are together, and honestly, I dig it. My sister needs someone to take care of her and be there for her because no one else in her fucking life does. Everyone abandoned her, and I’m working on making that right. You can’t be someone who leaves her too.”
My jaw tightened as his words washed over me. I knew all this. Of course I knew and hated it. My hand clenched with the urge to punch him. “I didn’t do anything wrong, Quentin. She kept something from me.”
“About what?”
“Doesn’t matter. She lied, and that’s not fine with me.”
“No. It does matter. Because Audrey will lie if she thinks she’s protecting someone she loves. Given the choice to hurt or upset someone she cares about or hide the truth, she will hide it every time. She hid my dad’s symptoms for years because they upset me. She told me it was fine or just a normal appointment so I could keep playing hockey normally. I had no idea my dad was barely hanging on. So yeah. She lies for good reasons, so I’m gonna ask you again. Why did she lie?”
I was gonna tear this pillow to shreds. His words made sense. They fit Audrey perfectly. She’d protect those she loved. But that clashed with my angry feelings about her and how her lie made me play like shit. “She hid something my dad did and confronted him in hopes of hiding it from me. Then, I played like shit.”
“Okay, we all have bad games. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. But that’s not what matters here. She confronted your dad? Are you fucking with me right now?” Quentin glared at me. “Audrey cannot stand confrontation. It makes her throw up. Just think about how hard that had to be for her to confront your dad? She had to be shaking with nerves, and she did it to protect you. To shield you. And you left her? Just walked away without a word? Fuck you, Sanders. You’re a better man than that, and Audrey deserves better.”
Quentin’s arguments made my stomach sour, and guilt clawed at me. Audrey totally hated confrontation. She cried for hours after she confronted her brother, and I was there for her then.
Was she alone in her room right now? My gut churned.
“You called me out when I was being an idiot, and you were right. But now, as your teammate and the brother of the girl you’re with, I’m calling you out. Get out of your head. Get over this. This is forgivable. You’d be fucking stupid to let this ruin whatever you had because I can tell you for sure, my sister has never been this happy. Being in Audrey’s life is a gift, Theo. Don’t ruin it.”
“I kinda wanna punch you in the face,” I mumbled.
“Yeah, well right back at you. But my sister matters more than my feelings toward you, so if you hit me, I won’t hit you back.”
Damn. Quentin’s words sobered me up real fast. This punk ass kid who was unbearable to be around like two months ago was showing more maturity than me. I kept thinking about Audrey in her room, curled in bed crying, and it physically upset me. She was protecting me in her own way. It made sense. I had to find her.
I never handled loss well when I didn’t perform to my standard. Hockey was my escape, my future, so when I let something get in my head and fuck with my game, I lashed out. The loss and the lie blended together.
A new fear gripped me. Audrey always assumed the worst when we disagreed, and she’d never had a relationship, so she didn’t know arguing was normal. Maybe I shouldn’t have stormed off, but I’d needed to collect my thoughts. And fuck, if Quentin wasn’t helpful.
“I gotta go talk to her.” I stood.
“Yeah, you do.” Quentin’s face was grim. “It’ll be tough, okay? She carries more burden and guilt than anyone else. But please don’t hurt her.”
My eye twitched. “I never have, Quentin.”
“You did tonight.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Good luck.”
He walked away, leaving me to my own fucked up thoughts that didn’t feel good. You did tonight. Why did that sentence cause a physical pain to shoot through me? I hadn’t hurt her. I was just upset. I was mad at her.
But she’s flighty. She’d always looked for ways out, and I gave her the perfect one. She was probably convincing herself we were over. I didn’t want that. Fuck. I really didn’t. I loved seeing her at the game. Hell, she was my person.
I loved her. I loved the hell out of her. So why had I run?
Goddamn it.
I ran my hands through my hair, pulling on the ends. Had I misplaced my anger at my dad to her, like she was the one cheating? Maybe. Or was it the fact my dad lied and kept things from me and my mom, so her lying felt like a betrayal? Throw in the loss of the game, and man, I was a mess.
I jogged toward her dorm as Quentin’s comment hit me again. She hated confrontation. I’d seen it firsthand, yet she’d done it to protect me. Fuck I was an asshole.
I needed to talk to her right fucking now. I had to. The longer I waited, the harder it would be to convince her we were okay. It was only ten pm, and someone left her dorm as I snuck in.
Banging on her door, I waited. “Audrey, can we talk?”
No answer.
I pressed my ear against the wood, listening for the shower or sniffles or the TV. It was silent. “Audrey, baby, are you in there?”
Nothing.
Okay, where the hell was she?
I texted her, but the message wasn’t delivered. What the fuck?
Had something happened to her? Oh my god. No, Quentin said he walked her to her dorm, but she wasn’t in her dorm now. That was an hour ago. Was her phone off? Why though?
My body felt like it was falling through ice, not balanced or coordinated. My chest pinched, and sweat covered my skin as a million scenarios raced through my mind. She was hurt. She went to a party without me. She was with another guy. She left town. She moved.
Each one was more absurd than the next. I needed to be logical.
Audrey was upset. Where would she go when upset?
The library.
The answer came to me fast, and I took off toward there. I shot off another text to her in case she turned her phone on. I’ll come to you, baby. I’m sorry.
I was glad I wore joggers because I was sweating my ass off as I ran toward our library. It was pitch dark outside, and I didn’t like the idea of her walking here alone this late, even though she did it all the time.
I shoved the doors open, and it was a Saturday night, so there weren’t a lot of people around. Ten people here and there as I checked the first floor. Then the second and third. The familiar panic worked its way up my chest again when I didn’t see her auburn hair. If she wasn’t here, I had no idea where she was.
I had to call Quentin and the campus police. Holy shit. I left her, and something like this happened? I couldn’t breathe.
“Theo?” A small voice penetrated my spiral.
I spun around so fast I almost tripped on my feet. Audrey sat at a table for four, but her books covered the top. She wore yoga pants and a worn crewneck sweatshirt. It was one her dad gave her—she’d told me that. Her hair was piled in a messy bun on top of her head, and a few curls escaped by her face. Her eyes were a little red, but she looked beautiful. Fucking perfect. And safe. And mine.
“You’re safe.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. For about fifteen minutes, I hadn’t been certain. I gripped the back of the empty chair and waited a few beats before meeting her gaze. She frowned at me. The wrinkles on her forehead were adorable.
“I’m okay, yeah.” She chewed her lip and glanced at her papers instead of me. “Why are you here?”
“To find you.” My heart pounded against my ribcage to the point of pain. I hated how she wouldn’t look at me. I hated it so fucking much. “I went to your dorm and texted you, but when you didn’t answer, I worried.”
She swallowed, still not looking at me. “Oh. My phone died a little bit ago. I’m charging it now.”
Her phone sat right in front of me, the charging signal bright and clear. What she said made sense. “Why are you at the library?”
“Studying. It helps me.” She rubbed her thumb and pointer finger together over and over. She flicked her gaze to me for a beat before her face reddened, and she looked down. “Did you need to talk to me?”
“Audrey, you’re killing me right now.” I plopped into the chair across from her and almost smiled at her cute notes. She had amazing handwriting and organized her thoughts in such a cool way. I loved seeing her process and asking her questions, but that wasn’t for now. “Can we talk please?”
She shrugged. “Sure. What did you want to discuss?”
“Baby, why are?—”
She flinched at the use of baby, and my heart fucking broke. She paled and gripped her pen so tight her knuckles were white. She was hurting because of me, and I hated it.
“Auds, I’m sorry.” There, I said it. She had to know how I felt.
“I know. I’m sorry too. For keeping information from you about your family.” She frowned and studied the end of her pen like it was the most interesting thing in the world. It was a basic black pen. What was so fucking cool about it?
“I know you were trying to protect me.” I reached over and covered her hand with mine. She stilled, and her eyes widened. Why was she so shocked I was touching her? I didn’t get it. “Why?—”
She pulled her hand back and placed it in her lap.
What the fuck was going on?
“I was wrong. Your dad was seeing a therapist to help him cope with having a wife who was injured. I looked her up, and she’s legit. Your dad is keeping his word and working on himself, which is great.” She glanced at me and offered a small, barely there smile before masking her face to indifference. “I shouldn’t have kept that from you regardless of any reasons. I know why you’re upset.”
This was the ice queen I met months ago. It was starting to piss me off.
“Why are you acting like this?” I barked, not caring we were in a library.
“Like what? I don’t know how I’m supposed to act, Theo! I’ve never broken up with someone before, okay? I don’t know the protocol! I’m just trying not to break down right now, okay!” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, her jaw trembling.
She thought we were done, and that was my fault.
“Honey, we’re not broken up.” What we felt for each other was deeper than one argument. It was so much more.
“Yes, we are.”
“No, no we’re fucking not.”
She opened her beautiful green eyes, and a flash of anger was in them. “Theo. I lied to you. That’s… unforgiveable. You left m-me at the game. How… how else should I take that? You didn’t come over like we planned and left me alone. How are we still together?”
She truly believed those words, and it made my stomach twist with legit anxiety. If she thought that, she might not believe how I felt about her. “We had our first fight. All couples do that.”
“But do they leave each other?” Her lip trembled. “Do they keep things from each other, like I did to you?”
“No. They don’t.” I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. “I’m not your brother or mom or dad, hon. You can’t lie to protect me like you did for them. You’re not my caretaker or responsible for my emotions. You’re my partner, so I need an equal.”
She nodded, and tears spilled over. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m so sorry. I was worried it mess with your game or you’d be upset since you and your dad were getting close again.”
“It did mess with my game.” I took her hand and this time, she let me. That was a relief. “I played like shit because I was worried about what you were keeping from me.”
She closed her eyes as her jaw trembled even more. “I shouldn’t have lied to you. I’m sorry, Theo.”
“I shouldn’t have stormed off like I did either.” My voice was raspy, raw. “You were trying to protect me in your own way, and I know that had to be hard. But I’m telling you now, I need you to share everything with me. No more hiding to protect feelings.”
“Okay.” She swallowed loud and met my eyes.
“And I won’t leave you. If I’m mad, I’ll be mad with you, and we can talk it out. I let my temper from the game and anger at my dad and you all blur together. I’m sorry for that.”
“It’s okay. It’s totally okay.”
“Audrey, I plan to be with you forever, so no, it’s not okay. You should call me an ass for walking away instead of talking it out.”
“Forever?” Her eyes bugged out.
“We had our first real argument, which happens with couples. But you and me? Baby, we’re it.” I smiled, all the parts of my soul settling into place.
She opened her mouth but closed it. Uncertainty clouded her eyes.
Quentin’s warning that it would be tough flashed in my mind, and I was willing to lay it all on the table. I had no ego here. I just wanted Audrey. Never thought I’d thank that punk ass, but I owed him for saving this. She expected people to leave her, and I’d followed the pattern. Not anymore.
“Auds, I love you. I fucking love you so much it’s all I think about most of the time. There are two places I feel at home. On the ice and when I’m with you. I should’ve told you that a month ago when I realized it.” I kissed her wrist, noting her pulse raced as fast as mine. Her expressive eyes stared back at me, wide and filled with hope. That hope was something I vowed to never kill.
“You love me,” she whispered, her voice watery and filled with emotion. “You love me?”
I nodded, a grin splitting my face. “Yes, baby. I do.”
She closed her eyes as a huge fat tear fell down her cheek. I wiped it with my thumb, and she leaned her head into my hand. “I love you, you know. So much. Too much. It terrifies me.”
“It scares me too, Auds, but it’s you and me. It always will be. Come here.”
She walked around the table and sat on my lap, wrapping her arms around me. She smelled like vanilla and home. I breathed her in and rested my chin on her head, my heart finally settling down from all the worry. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Theo. I’d rather hurt myself than you. I know that’s not healthy, but I haven’t had a lot of normal relationships. I’ll learn and be better for you.”
Her voice cracked and was muffled against my chest. The pain in her words hurt me because she meant it. She truly, without a doubt, meant what she said, and I hugged her tighter. “Baby, I?—”
She lifted her head and stared into my eyes. “I will never lie to you or keep things from you again. And will always pick you first.”
My heart swelled. “I like the sound of that. And I will never walk away mad again. We’ll talk it out.”
“You also feel like my home, Theo. For someone who hasn’t had one in years, it’s the most reassuring, safest feeling in the world, and I’ll do whatever I can to protect it. If that means living in Minnesota with you, then I will. If it means doing distance until we figure stuff out, I will. I always thought my future was just surviving, but since you came into my life, I have new hopes.”
“Yeah, like what?” I ran my hand up and down her back, so fucking happy we’d worked through this.
“Living together. Wearing your jersey to games. Being with you all the time.”
“Mm, yeah, I really like hearing that. We could also travel together, do all the things we wanted to in my off season.” I played with the ends of her hair and loved how she hummed in response.
“We could take your siblings, too.” She beamed and my heart damn well beat out of my chest. She would think of my siblings. She was perfect.
“So glad I got paired with you this semester, Auds. Feels like my life finally makes sense.” I kissed her softly, letting my lips linger. I tasted happiness again, and I’d protect it at all costs.
She shuddered and dug her hands into my sides. “I feel so safe with you,” she whispered.
“Mm, I like hearing that. Tell me how you feel about me again.”
“I love you.” She swallowed, and her cheeks turned pink. “I’ve never said it to anyone else before you, and it’s a lot. That’s a huge emotion for me. But I truly love you, and none of the reasons have to do with hockey even though it’s amazing watching you play.”
I pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear and sighed in complete content. All the worry disappeared. We were okay. We’d be okay. “So, about that living together thing…”