Chapter 7
SEVEN
I sit at the kitchen island, restlessly sipping a third cup of coffee as I look around the space. It’s somewhat early in the afternoon, and I already have most of the studs out of the wall. There’s a few more to take out before I can patch up the holes on the external wall. Then… I’ll need to find something else to do.
With a sigh, I rub a hand over my face. Theo mentioned he’s doing another job somewhere after fishing today, so I’m not sure when I’ll see him back here. Which means I’m not sure what else I could work on without stepping on his toes. But I need to do something. I can’t just sit here.
And I can’t deny that going out last night to the pub piqued my curiosity about this town. I’m not sure what I expected when I decided to stay here, since my plan was to hide myself away. But something about the strong sense of community, and the welcoming vibe I got from everyone, surprisingly has me wanting to see more of this place.
So I stand, refusing to let myself overthink this as I shove my shoes on, pull on a jacket, and head out of the house.
I walk down the long driveway lined with tall, mature trees, and turn left when I get to the road. Eventually, I see the pub in the distance where we walked to just last night. As I pass by it, I see people in the windows as they eat and laugh, enjoying each other’s company and the slow way this town seems to work.
As I continue down the road, I pass a couple little shops and some people out walking. They all smile and say hello as if they know me, extending the same warm welcome I received in the pub last night.
Eventually I find myself walking by MacKinnon’s General Store, and I can’t help but pause outside of it for a moment, taking in the old log building that Theo’s family owns. And once again I think of just how important he seems to be to this town.
“How’s it going today?”
My eyes flick to the front porch of the store, where two older men are sitting.
I give a small wave and back up a step. “Hey, how are ya?”
“Oh, just dandy,” one of them replies with a nod.
I nod back, then quickly turn around to continue my walk.
The road curves gently along the shoreline, and I pass several homes with coastal cottage vibes that look out over the ocean. A few side streets travel up a hill off the main road, leading to what looks like the main residential area of the town. Theo wasn’t lying when he said his house was separated from the rest of the town.
At the end of this residential area, I find a small gravel parking lot with a few cars in it. And as I look up, I see the marina.
It looks like all of the boats are in, which makes sense since it’s later in the afternoon. I scan the row of cars and don’t see Theo’s truck, so I guess it’s safe to assume fishing is done for the day.
I watch the marina for a bit as I stand here in the parking lot and observe the quiet area, imagining what it looks like in the early hours of the morning, when all the crews are getting ready to head out. I tentatively step onto the wharf, feeling like I’m maybe crossing some kind of boundary, and let my eyes roam over the boats lined up in the water.
The sounds of seagulls and the smell of salt water take over my senses as I walk along the wharf, and I look over the boats, reading the names of them. Some are what I would expect, like Celtic Rose, Lady Lilly and Siren’s Sorrow . And others make me chuckle, like Blazing Buoy and Plunder and Lightning .
My gaze roams over the piles of lobster traps on the wharf and gear in the boats, unable to even imagine how much work this all must be.
“Liam?”
I turn my head to see Mitch standing on the wharf by a boat on the opposite side of the dock.
“Oh, hey,” I say cautiously, glancing around. There’s no one else here, except another man and a woman in the boat, and I’m not sure if I’m allowed to even be here.
Mitch smiles as he coils up a rope. “How are ya?”
“Uh, pretty good,” I say, shoving my hands in my pockets and stepping closer. “Just out for a walk.” I let my eyes roam over the boat, assuming this must be Theo’s. And I can’t help but chuckle when I see the name. Can’t Sea Me .
Mitch points to the woman as she hoses down the boat deck. “This is Sarah.” Then he points to another man stacking large buckets. “That’s Glen. Guys, this is Liam. He’s new in town and staying with Theo.”
“Hey! Welcome.” Sarah smiles warmly at me and Glen gives me a salute.
“Thanks,” I say with a smile and then quickly glance out at the water. “How was it today?”
Glen lets out a small groan. “Not the best. It may look calm in here, but the water out there was not cooperating today.”
Mitch tosses the rope onto a pile of other ones and shakes his head. “Yeah, it sucked. I’m fucking beat. I’m looking forward to getting the boat to sleep so I can do the same.” He then looks at me with a sly smile. “Don’t be surprised if you encounter a bit of a cranky captain this evening.”
Sarah smacks him and rolls her eyes. “Stop it.”
Mitch shrugs. “Just speaking the truth.”
An uneasy feeling settles inside me, and I take a step backwards with a nod. “I’ll let you finish up then. Good seeing you again,” I say to Mitch and then nod to Sarah and Glen, “and nice meeting you.”
“You too!” Sarah smiles, and Glen gives me a wave. “Have a good one!”
I turn around, put my head down, and walk straight home. I don’t look up at anything, or anyone, and just focus on the road under my feet.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
I already feel enough uncertainty and fear on my own. And now the thought of things not going well out on the boat for Theo and his crew, seeing Mitch feeling frustrated and tired and knowing Theo is too…
I can’t get close to anyone, and I can’t get comfortable. I can’t lose it all again.
Yet here I am, going to a family dinner tomorrow…
Once I’m back at the house, I head straight for my room and grab my phone out of my zipped bag.
My heart pounds against my chest as I turn it on and wait as the screen lights up.
I look at the notification for the unread text from my mom, and try my best to ignore the voice in my head screaming at me not to do it.
But with a shaking hand, I tap it, and her words appear on my screen.
Mom
Checking in again and hoping to hear from you soon. I know you need some time, but I just want to let you know that Dad and I are thinking of you, like always. I love you, mo mhac.
My vision blurs as tears form in my eyes.
Mo mhac.
Gaelic for my son.
My mom has called me that for as long as I can remember. But I’m not sure she would want to call me that anymore if she knew the truth about what I’ve done, and that I’m the reason why we’re all hurting.
But this is the reminder I need. This is why I can’t get close to anyone.
With a sniff, I blink back the tears and turn my phone off again. I slide it back into my bag and zip it shut, then I take a breath and shove it all back down where it belongs.Because I can’t deal with it yet, as I continue to just hide away like a fucking coward.
Heading into the kitchen, I immediately pick up the tools I was using earlier and set to work removing the last of the studs from the wall. I keep my mind empty, and my focus on the task before me, not stopping until the wall between the kitchen and the living room is completely removed. And as I set the hammer down and look outside, I’m surprised to see the sun setting.
My eyes scan the sky as I step out onto the front patio, then drop to the yard before me. Two Adirondack chairs sit on the lawn facing the water, with a firepit before them. As I head down the stairs and get closer, I see ashes in the firepit, and wood piled up next to it.
I lower myself onto a chair and sit back as I gaze up at the sky, watching it slowly change colour with the setting sun. And when the sky is ablaze with red and orange hues that resemble flames, I lean forward and arrange some wood in the firepit. There’s a bucket with some kindling and matches, so I start a fire and sit back, watching as the flames grow and mirror the sky before me. And I can’t shake the thought that Theo may appreciate a quiet fire to relax, now that I know about the day he had.
As I watch the flames envelop the logs, heating them until they crumble, I lean forward and feel the heat against my face. The wood slowly turns to ash, disappearing before my eyes as the flames grow bigger, destroying everything in its path. And an urge rises as I wish these flames would destroy more than just the logs before me. I wish they would rip through me as well, and destroy everything broken inside me. I don’t even realize what I’m doing, before I pull my hand back with a hiss.
“Fuck,” I mutter, shaking my hand out with a wince. I look down, the light from the fire illuminating my red fingertips from where I touched a burning log.
But I can’t ignore how good the pain feels.
“Hey.”
My head snaps up as Theo approaches the firepit and stands next to the empty chair beside me.
“Hey,” I say, resting my hand on my thigh and hoping he didn’t see whatever that was.
But he clearly did, as he gestures with his chin to my hand. “You alright?”
“Yeah.” I wave that hand in dismissal. “Just… log slipped.”
He nods, shifting his gaze out over the water, which is now almost completely dark. “Mind if I sit?”
I shake my head, and he grabs another log to toss onto the fire before he takes a seat. I glance at him, taking in the now familiar tired expression on his face as he gazes into the flame.
“You make these?” I ask, gesturing to the chairs we’re sitting on.
He looks between them and nods. “Yeah.”
“They’re nice,” I say, appreciating the immaculate work.
And then we fall into silence as we sit and just watch the fire, and listen to the sounds of the water. The fire in the sky has now completely faded away as the one before us shines bright in the quiet darkness. And that feeling from earlier that I pushed away, forces its way back in… and this time, I’m able to name it.
Comfort.
And I don’t know why I’m not wanting to push it away this time…
“How long have you been captain?” I ask Theo, surprising myself as I break the silence with this question. It’s been on my mind since Mitch said he has worked under Theo for years. I thought he was young at his age to be a captain of a crew, and I’ve been curious to know when he started.
Theo turns to look at me, his expression also one of surprise. But also intrigue, as a small smile tugs at his lips.
“Five years,” he says.
My brows lift in shock, as I wasn’t expecting it to be that long. But I just nod.
And Theo smiles in return. “I didn’t expect to be captain of a crew at thirty, let alone twenty-five. But when my dad passed, it all came to me.” He pauses for a moment. “I’d been on the boat for as long as I can remember though, so… I guess I was as ready as I was going to be.”
I observe him for a moment as he absent-mindedly picks at his thumb with his finger and gazes into the fire, a heaviness settling over him. Much like the one I’ve become so familiar with over the past couple months.
Maybe everything isn’t so certain and safe for him after all.
“That’s a lot,” I say.
Theo just nods. “Yeah,” he says, so softly I almost don’t hear him.
We’re quiet for a bit longer as we watch the roaring fire, the crackling of the logs the only sound filling this space between us. But a feeling quickly bubbles up inside me and takes over. Something almost like an urge to give him what he just gave me.
“You can ask me something,” I say, keeping my attention on the fire.
I feel Theo’s eyes on me, so I slowly lift mine to meet his gaze as my heart picks up its pace, and I prepare to open myself up to whatever he’s going to ask. I don’t feel ready for this… but something inside me wants to let him in, just a little bit. And I don’t understand that at all.
But Theo’s face softens as his lips tilt up in a soft lopsided smile. “Want a beer?”
And I can’t help but laugh. As the smile spreads across my face, the tension inside me fades. Theo keeps his eyes on me as his smile grows as well, and the sense of comfort settles inside me once more.
I shouldn’t get close to anyone. But, in a way, it feels like he knows me already.