Chapter 8
EIGHT
The table leg I’m working on spins in the wood lathe, and I just stare down at it. I’ve finished shaping it, and the next piece of wood is ready to go, but I just keep watching this one as the whirring sound fills the quiet morning air in the workshop. Eventually, I flip the switch to turn it off and sit on the stool with a sigh. And as I check the time on my phone, another frustrated sigh escapes me.
It’s only six thirty in the morning. I’ve been out here for an hour, and already I wish this day was over. I can usually fill my Sundays with enough work out here to make the time go by, since it’s a day off from fishing and I need to stay busy. But today, something about this just isn’t doing it for me.
My eyes travel to the dusty window facing the house, and I find myself wondering if Liam is still asleep. Guilt rises at the thought of him, and how much time he’s spent alone since he got here a few days ago. I get the sense he isn’t exactly looking for a buddy, but he just seems so… lonely. We’ve barely spoken and I know nothing about him, but I also can’t deny that I’ve felt an increased pull to get to know him, and to just be around him. There’s something comforting about him, and I don’t know what it is. After a shitty day yesterday on the water, and then a construction job not going so well, I actually enjoyed sitting quietly by the fire with him last night.
And at that thought, yet another rush of guilt flows through me, and I drop my head to rub a hand over my forehead with a groan. Fuck.
Maybe I do know what that comforting feeling is. And if it is what I think it is, I can’t fall too deep into it. I’ve been successful so far in keeping that part of me quiet, so I’m not going to let it all out now. He needed somewhere to stay, and I had the room… that’s all this is. I’m not going to ruin this for him.
I shift my gaze around the workshop, to the other side of the barn at my fishing gear, and do what I always do when these feelings try to push their way to the surface. Throw myself into my work.
I take in the broken lobster traps and make a mental note to fix those this week before I end up with an even bigger pile. My eyes then lift to the nets and longlines hanging from the ceiling, and I know I should get started on repairing those before tuna fishing season starts in August. I also need to check on the longliner boat in storage down at the marina and make sure it’s ready to go when the season opens, and schedule any repairs for before then. This week I have a few jobs lined up at?—
Movement out the window catches my eye, and my gaze darts towards the house as Liam steps onto the front deck. He leans against the railing as he looks over the water and takes a drink of his coffee.
And as my eyes rest on him, my mind quiets.
His tattooed hand holds his coffee mug, and his dark, almost black hair blows in the light breeze. But as the early morning sun shines down on him, it only seems to highlight the darkness and sadness inside him.
The feelings I’ve pushed away and tried to ignore for so long grow louder the longer I watch him. Eventually, it becomes unbearable, and I cautiously let them in. As I grant myself a brief reprieve from the oppression I’ve imposed on myself, I open myself up to a moment of… what if. As unrealistic as it is, and as much as I know I shouldn’t, I can’t help it.
I stand from my stool and head out of the barn, crossing the lawn to the front deck.
“Morning,” I say as I climb the stairs.
Liam turns his head to look at me and smiles softly. But it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “Morning.”
I stand beside him and look over the water as well. But my gaze drops to Liam’s hand as he holds his mug, and I see his red, sore looking fingertips. I want to ask him again if he’s ok, because I don’t believe his answer from last night. Even though it was dark… I’m pretty sure I know what I saw.
But Liam must realize I’m looking at his hand, as he shoves it in the pocket of his sweatpants. “What are you working on?” he asks, keeping his gaze out on the water.
“A table for a family a couple towns over,” I say, looking out at the water sparkling under the sun.
He nods, and we stand quietly for a moment as we watch the gentle waves roll over the rocks on the shore.
But those confusing and unbearable feelings are now nagging at me, pushing me further into the what if. Because as confusing as they are… it also feels good to give in a little bit. So I turn to face him. “There’s no rush on it though.”
Liam turns his head to meet my eyes, and his brighten.
I smile, tilting my head towards my boat in the water. “Should we catch some mackerel to take to dinner tonight?”
He smiles, and I try to ignore the flip in my stomach. He stands up straighter, and I think this might be the most alive I’ve seen him since he came here.
“Sounds good,” he says with a nod.
As he heads inside to change, I make my way back to the barn and grab my tackle box and bait. And with every step I take towards the dock, anticipation inside me grows.
I’ve never taken anyone out on my boat. While I bought this house to hide away and be alone, it’s out on the water where I truly find peace. And I’ve always kept it to myself. Because out there, I don’t have to play a part, meet expectations, and be the Theo MacKinnon everyone knows. Out there, it’s just me, the boat, and the open water, where I can let everything go as I release my thoughts, worries, and burdens with each cast of my line. And when I come back in, I leave it all out there, ready to be who I need to be.
But clearly I’m fighting against that need, because I’m bringing Liam into all of my private places.
As he joins me on the dock, and his blue eyes sparkle with excitement, I just smile. Because I have no doubts about sharing this with him. He needs this, and I think I do too.
We get into the boat, and I start up the motor as Liam unties the rope from the dock. He takes his seat next to me as I steer the boat into the open water. There’s a spot I like to go to this time of year that’s a bit sheltered from the wind by a large island, so I head that way and pick up speed. And I swear I see him take a deep breath in, and release it with a smile.
When we reach the spot, I slow down and steer us into the channel between the mainland and the island, then switch on the trolling motor. The trees are still bare since it’s early spring, but it’s private and sheltered, and the water is calm.
“Nice,” he says with a nod as he looks around.
I chuckle. “Yeah, it’s my favourite spot to fish.”
His gaze lingers on me for a moment, before he looks down at the rack holding the fishing rods. “Do you have a preference?”
“No,” I say with a shake of my head. “They’re pretty much the same.”
He pulls two rods out and hands me one, and I subtly watch him as I get mine ready. He clearly knows what he’s doing as he selects a minnow lure and cuts the line to tie it on. But he fumbles a bit as he attempts to tie the knot, and he bites back a grimace as the line seems to press into his sore fingers.
I set my rod down and lean forward, gently taking his from his hands. He lets me, and neither of us say a word as I tie off the knot, slide the bait onto the hook, and hand it back to him.
“Thanks,” he says softly, and I just nod back, dropping my lure into the water and letting my line out as I sit back in my seat.
Liam does the same, and we sit in silence as we each look out at the water. The only sounds surrounding us are the gentle lapping of water against the side of the boat, and the soft hum of the reels letting out line.
Once we each let out enough line and have closed the bail arms, I glance at him.
“So, you fished a lot back home?” I ask, even though I know the answer already, since he told me. But I wonder if I might be able to get a bit more out of him.
He nods. “Yeah. Not a whole lot on the boat though,” he says, gently pulling his rod back to spin the lure under the water. “I’m from Inverness, so we’re close to the Margaree River. We fished off the bridges, and it has the best fly fishing.”
I smile as I take in how relaxed he looks right now. “I actually haven’t done much fly fishing, believe it or not. But I’ve heard great things about fishing on Margaree River.”
He turns his head to look at me. “Never been?”
I shake my head. “I’ve been around Cape Breton lobster fishing with some crews growing up. Other than that, life keeps me anchored here.”
Liam is quiet for a moment as he slides his gaze out over the water again. “Hopefully you get a chance to soon.”
I don’t say anything as I try to suppress my sigh, thinking how I could actually do that. We fish six days a week during lobster season from November to June, and we’re just as busy during tuna season from August to November. But during the offseason… I just can’t make myself do anything I want to. Like I’m afraid to enjoy myself. So instead, I fill my time with carpentry work to stay busy.
We’re both quiet as the boat slowly moves along the channel, and the cool breeze nips at my skin. The sun provides a slight warmth in the cool April air, and I release a breath into it, letting go of all my thoughts and allowing this place to bring me the peace it always does.
“I can see why you like it out here so much,” Liam says, eventually breaking the silence.
I chuckle lightly. “Yeah, it’s pretty damn nice.”
“You should do it more.”
I look at him, letting my eyes roam over his soft features and relaxed posture as he continues to gently move his fishing rod back and forth.
“Maybe I will,” I say softly.
He turns his head, giving me a smirk. “And if you know of any good fly fishing spots around here, maybe I can show you how it’s done.”
A laugh bubbles out of me, and Liam’s face breaks out in a grin. And when he also laughs, I think that might be the best sound of all.
Suddenly, the end of Liam’s rod bends and he sits up straight, his hand quickly moving to the reel. As he pulls his line in, I secure my rod and lean forward to open the livewell in the floor of the boat. He effortlessly pulls the mackerel out of the water and stands up to grab the line, pulling it into the boat. As he grasps the fish, I lean forward and undo the hook from its mouth to save his fingers.
Liam tosses it into the livewell with a smile, and when his eyes meet mine, they are alive with pure joy.
And all I can do is stare back at him with a smile of my own.
He sits down again with a chuckle and casts a playful glance at me. “Maybe I’ll have to show you how this is done too.”
I laugh, opening the bait bucket and grabbing a worm from it for his hook. “Lucky catch. Just wait, I’ll be reeling them in soon.”
He laughs as well, and once the bait is on his hook and his attention is back on the water… my smile falls.
Because I can’t deny this anymore. This thing about myself that I think I’ve known for a while now, but kept buried deep, never allowing myself to even try to understand. But out here, with him… it’s so obvious.
I’ve been afraid to admit, even to myself, that I think I might be gay. But the more time I spend with Liam, the feelings I’ve pushed away for years are surfacing and overwhelming me. And I’m finally starting to listen.
He’s here, in my boat, in a space I’ve always kept for just myself. And I can’t continue to ignore the feelings I get when I’m around him.
I’m attracted to him. And I want him.
Fuck.