Chapter 10
TEN
The rain batters the large bay window of the sunroom as I linger in the doorway, watching the outside world through a watery haze. The fog is thick over the water’s edge, obscuring the view just beyond the shoreline. But I continue to stare at it anyway, urging the rhythmic drumming of the rain against the glass to drown out the noise in my mind, and the questions swirling around inside it.
But as a chill ripples through me, I turn away from the window and retreat into the living room. I open the wood stove and light a fire, letting the flames gradually warm me up. But as the fire flickers and grows, the thoughts and questions grow a little louder in this quiet room.
I slept last night. For the first time in months, I fell asleep with ease, and didn’t wake all night. Not until I heard the soft creaks from Theo coming down the stairs and leaving for work. I’m still surprised by how relaxed I felt yesterday, going out fishing with him and spending time with his family. But I think it’s because of him . There’s something about him that seems to be drawing me in, and I don’t know what it is, or why. Even now, sitting here alone and staring out the window, I almost feel like I miss him. And I think that’s because the only times my mind has been quiet, has been with him.
But he’s not here now. And the noise is getting louder, and louder.
I shouldn’t be feeling good. I shouldn’t be spending time with a family that isn’t mine, enjoying myself and pretending like nothing happened. Because something awful did happen, and it was my fault. And nothing will ever fix it. For me, or my family.
As I sit on the couch, I shift my gaze out the window and allow the heaviness to settle over me. The rollercoaster dips low once again, dragging me back into the depths of my sadness and pain. And the deeper it goes, the stronger the urge becomes to feel that pain.
My burnt fingertips push into the fabric of the couch, sending small bursts of pain up my fingers. But it’s not enough. My gaze drifts from the window to the fire before me… but despite the overwhelming urge to feel more, a voice deep within me begs me not to give in.
Which is the most confusing fucking feeling.
I don’t even register what I’m doing as I head for the door to the front deck, and step outside in my sock feet, sweatpants and t-shirt.
The rain falls on me in cold sheets as I just stand here, staring out into the fog.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I doing any of this? Why can’t I just end this, once and for all? To finally put myself out of my misery, do the right thing, and get what I truly deserve.
It should have been me.
My family should be mourning me.
The rain continues to beat down on me, cold water soaking my clothes and seeping into my bones as I begin to shiver. As I blink away the raindrops clinging to my eyelashes, warmth suddenly rolls down my cheek. And a new kind of pain takes hold of me, as tears mingle with the rain streaming down my face.
The deep, hollow ache inside me finally takes over, and waves of emotion crash over me. A heavy weight presses on my chest as I desperately wish for things to be different, and to go back to how it all was before. But it never will. I’ve never had to face anything alone before, having someone by my side from the very beginning to help me navigate this life. Now, all I have are memories and pain. And I’ll forever live with the regret for the mistake I’ve made.
A sob escapes me, this pain greater than anything I’ve ever inflicted upon myself as it completely takes over. I can’t keep it out any longer as it forces me to feel everything I’ve tried so hard to keep out, and have been too scared to let in.
I collapse to my knees on the deck as my body folds in on itself, and I continue to sob. The cold, hard rain relentlessly pours down on me, refusing to let up. It just keeps coming, all at once… the rain, the cold, the grief, regret, anger, loneliness… It's overwhelming.
I want it all to disappear… and I also wish it would never stop.
I don’t know how long I stay here in the pouring rain, but eventually I find myself blankly staring out into the foggy ocean. I continue to sit on the deck as I shiver uncontrollably, my body and mind frozen from both the cold, relentless rain and the intensity of my emotions.
But my mind wanders to Theo, as I try to see through the veil of muted grey blocking my view of the ocean, and anxiety stirs in my stomach. He’s out there right now, in the pouring rain and dense fog.
Another tear slowly trickles down my cheek as I take a deep breath, and swallow down the fear. I don’t want to have to go through this again…
“Please come back,” I whisper into the rain.
I close my eyes and take another deep breath before I push to my feet. But as I turn to go back inside, I stop. As I look through the glass door at the warm, cozy living room, the fire roaring in the stove… I’m not ready for it.
I’m not sure where I’m even going as I step off the deck and onto the grass, still shivering and in my sock feet. But as my eyes land on the barn, I head that way.
The heavy rain drums steadily on the barn roof as I push the door open, stepping inside. I shiver as I flick on the light over the workspace, unsure why I even came in here. But as I glance around the space and take in Theo’s tools strewn about on the workbench, a subtle sense of calm washes over me. His presence lingers here, and I find myself taking in a deep breath. I move towards the tools as I once again try to bury the weight of everything I’ve been carrying. Working on the house has been helping with that, and right now, I need it more than ever.
There’s still some spackling left to do in the kitchen, so I grab the putty knife and spackle, and turn to head back to the house. But before I reach the door, I hear rustling from the dark corner of the barn where Theo stores his fishing gear.
I groan, eyeing the shadowy area. Please don’t let there be mice in here…
But as the rustling sounds again, I also hear a soft, little meow.
I carefully set the spackle on the workbench, squinting into the darkness. I don’t hear anything else, so I take a step closer. And as a bobber rolls across the floor, I see little eyes peering out at me from a tangle of bobbers and rope.
“Hey…” I kneel a few steps away from the kitten and extend my hand, but it remains huddled in its hiding spot, eyeing me warily.
“Who are you?” I ask softly, settling onto the floor and observing the frightened kitten. It can’t be any older than a couple of months and is all black and barely visible in the dim light.
As I sit here, watching the kitten watch me, I stay quiet and don’t make any sudden noises or movements. The rain continues to patter on the roof, creating a soothing backdrop to our quiet, tentative stare down. It looks like the kitten might have a sore eye, and I’d like to get a closer look. But I stay where I am and wait.
Eventually, a tiny black paw emerges from the rope and bobbers, stepping towards me. But a bobber rolls off the pile, and the sudden movement startles it as it retreats into its hiding spot.
“It’s ok,” I say gently, extending my hand again, slowly. “You can come closer.”
The kitten cautiously steps out again, approaching my hand and sniffing me. Then it rubs its nose against my finger, and I hear a soft purr.
I smile as the little kitten grows braver, inching closer and rubbing against me. It’s all black with a tiny white tip on its tail.
“Where did you come from?” I ask quietly, turning my hand over to gently pet its little head. The kitten purrs louder and presses even closer, rubbing against my leg. “Why are you here all alone?”
And as I sit here on the floor of Theo’s barn, surrounded by ropes and fishing gear with a lost, lonely kitten, I let just one more tear fall.“It’s ok. We don’t have to be alone.”