Chapter 12
TWELVE
My leg bounces restlessly as I stare out the airport window, watching as the plane pulls up to the gate. The ground crew is busy loading luggage and preparing for passengers, but my mind is miles away.
I want this job. I need it. But the guilt that is gnawing at me is impossible to ignore. I’m about to board a plane headed to a dangerous offshore rig, and my parents have no clue. They don’t even know I’m in Nova Scotia right now, let alone that I’m about to leave. As far as they’re concerned, I’m still in Calgary, working my old job in the oil sands. And they don’t know the truth because they’ve been giving me the space I didn’t even have to ask for — because I shut them out. Which I know is wrong, but it’s just easier this way. For now, they can go on believing their only child is still good, safe, and whole.
Until I tell them the truth, and they see me for what I really am. Selfish, reckless, and broken.
My family has already lost one person they love. And they’ll be losing another once they learn what part I played in that. So as cowardly as I am, hiding and keeping the truth from them… it’s also so they can heal a bit before I break their hearts all over again.
With a shaking hand, I pull my phone out and turn it on. As the screen lights up, I rub a hand over my face and blow out a breath, trying to slow my racing heart.
My eyes take in every letter of every word of my mom’s last text to me, especially those last five words… I love you, mo mhac.
I swallow thickly as I tap out a text to her. But my thumb hovers over send, unable to bring myself to tap it. The words are true, and I want her to know… but I can’t. Because it was always my response to her, whenever she told me she loves me.
Gu bràth
Forever.
My thumb continues to hover over the screen for a moment longer until I exit out of her texts, the message still unsent. But before I shut my phone off, my eyes land on Theo’s name in my messages from when he texted me his address over a week ago, when we first met.
My gaze lingers on his name, slowly tracing each letter as calm begins to override the anxiety and sadness. The same calm I felt when I was at his house, going out fishing together, sitting by the fire with him and Miss Bobber… just being with him in that big, quiet house.
A voice sounds over the speaker, jolting me back to reality as the flight attendant announces boarding for my flight. I sigh, shutting my phone off and sliding it back into my bag. And as I make my way to the gate, I hold onto the peace and comfort I found in Torrin Cove.
I’m going to need it.
Waves crash against the rig below as I lean against the railing, staring down at the deep, dark water. The water I was just in earlier today. It’s only my first full day here, and already I’ve had to dive for underwater maintenance on a pipe. It was hard work with the water being as wild as it is, but… it was the danger I’ve been looking for.
I watch as the waves continue to pound against the legs of the rig, and the water swirls and churns as the light fades from the sky. The darkening ocean is mesmerizing as I keep my eyes on it, thinking how easy this water could swallow me whole.
My heart picks up its pace as the wind whips my hair around and I lean a little further over the railing.
How easy it could be…
But I push myself back with a sigh. As tempting as it is, I can’t. Not here.
I continue my walk back to the workshop and when I get there, the electrician, Jesse, is cleaning up his area.
“Hey,” he says, looking over his shoulder at me as I enter the space. “Good day?”
“Yeah,” I say, dropping my tools onto one of the workbenches. “Ready for bed now.”
He laughs. “Surprising how much maintenance is needed on the rig, huh? That salt water erodes everything so fast.”
I huff out a laugh, putting the welding gun back on its shelf. “Really though.”
“I think some of the guys are getting ping-pong fired up. You in?” Jesse asks, grabbing his hoodie and slipping it on.
“Next time,” I say, checking the time. It’s 9:00PM, so while it’s still early, I’m fucking exhausted from flying all day yesterday, getting the helicopter onto the rig, working a partial shift with orientation, and then a full twelve hours today. “I really am ready for bed.”
Jesse chuckles with a nod. “The first couple days of shift are always brutal. Well, we ping-pong pretty much every night, since there’s not much else to do here. So, next time for sure.”
“Sounds good,” I say, giving him a smile as he heads out of the workshop with a wave.
I’m not long getting everything put away, and by the time I get to my room, I’m really looking forward to lying down and hopefully sleeping. I didn’t get much, if any, last night and I’m going to need to sleep tonight if I have any hope of being able to function tomorrow.
My roommate is one of the roughnecks on night shift, so he’s already gone when I get here, and I’m selfishly happy about that. I don’t know if I have it in me for more small talk tonight.
But the second my head hits the pillow, my mind is racing.
It’s been busy enough since I got here that I’ve managed to avoid thinking too much, and feeling the weight of it all — of being back to work for the first time since everything went to shit. But now, as I lie here and rub my eyes, the emotions overwhelm me as they all hit at once. Guilt, sadness, and anger crash into me as images flash through my mind — fire billowing out of the work bay, my family’s tear-stained faces, a funeral that should have been mine. The reality of it all, and the fact that I am here, working a new job, without my best friend… it’s too much.
My heart thunders in my ears while my breath slips away from me, and I try not to completely lose it here in this tiny room, on a rig in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. My fingers tangle in my hair and pull tight as I squeeze my eyes shut, willing myself to push through this and get my shit together. I desperately try to bury everything and put it back where it belongs, but it just keeps coming.
Until a picture of wild, windswept hair, gentle brown eyes, and soft freckles appears in my mind.
My hands release my hair and lower to my chest as I take a deep breath in, hanging onto the image of Theo in my head. I’m not sure why he’s the one I’m picturing, but the calm he brings is exactly what I need right now. So I hold onto it and remember how I felt back in his house… even if I don’t understand why.
I open my eyes and turn my head, eyeing my bag. He would probably still be awake…
I get up to grab my phone out of my bag and turn it on, almost with desperation. My heart picks up its pace again as I tap out a message to him, and I hesitate as my thumb hovers over send. But I tap it.
Hey. How’s Miss Bobber?
I lie back down on the bed, watching the screen as I chew my bottom lip. Waiting.
Theo
Hey, she’s good.
Then he sends me a photo of her, curled up on the couch, sound asleep. I smile, letting the photo of Theo’s home, and this little kitten, soothe my soul.
Her eye is looking better already.
It is. She’s a trooper.
She was asleep in your bed when I got home tonight.
I chuckle, remembering how she made herself right at home on my pillow. But as I think of Theo finding her, my heart skips a beat as I picture him in my room, sitting on my bed. And I have no idea what that means.
My fingers hover over the screen as I think of what to say back to him, but I don’t know. This feeling can’t be what I think it is…
How’s the rig?
I release a breath and shake off those thoughts and feelings, tapping out my response.
Good. A steady stream of work, and a lot of maintenance and repairs.
Get a good catch today?
I watch the bubbles dancing as he types, and feel the anticipation rising, hoping he had a good day.
It was decent. Average, considering our last few weeks. And calm water, which we were overdue for.
A smile tugs at my lips as I read his message, relieved he finally had a good one. The past week was tough for them, and even though he hides it and I don’t know him all that well, I can tell it was getting to him.
That’s good.
Hope you got out on your boat for some fishing too then.
Unfortunately not. I had to install some flooring today.
I huff out a breath. Didn’t think so. He works too damn much.
You probably should. You need the practice…
The bubbles appear immediately, and I smile as I can practically feel his eyes narrowing from here.
You were lucky. And you had the better rod.
I laugh into the empty room.
I thought they were pretty much the same?
Yeah, *pretty much*. Not the exact same.
All I hear are excuses.
Re-match when you’re home, and you’ll be crying into the livewell.
Yeah, tears of laughter because you never even got a nibble.
Big talk for a fly fisher.
It’s ok, I can show you how to do that too.
How to stand in water and fling a string around? I think I got it.
I let out another laugh, now absolutely needing to find a fly fishing spot around Torrin Cove.
It’s on then.
My eyes flick to the corner of the screen, and when I see it’s getting late, I also realize my eyes are finally feeling heavy.
I should get to sleep though. I’m pretty beat.
Yeah, same.
Then he sends another photo of Miss Bobber, still lounging in the same spot on the couch, mid-yawn with her mouth wide open like she’s letting out a tiny roar. I smile and save the photo.
Thanks. Night.
Night.
I turn my phone off and toss it back into my bag, then sink back into bed. And this time when my eyes close, different thoughts and questions swirl through my mind. The chaos that had me in its hold earlier is gone, replaced by something quieter, and something… almost peaceful. And I can't help but wonder, once again, what this feeling is. It’s almost like… I’m into him.
But why, and how? I’ve never been into a guy before. And if that is what it is… why him? The guy I live with. What the fuck?
I don’t know… I don’t know what this is, what it means, or how I feel about anything, let alone him.
All I do know is that he provides me with a sense of calm and comfort that I haven’t had in a long time. And as I drift off to sleep, brown eyes and freckles lingering in my mind, I just let it happen.