Chapter 28
TWENTY-EIGHT
As I park next to Liam’s truck in the driveway, my gaze drifts over the view of the water. The sun is just starting to go down, and the fog that clung to the ocean all day has finally burned off, revealing a beautiful, calm evening. I lean my head back against the seat as I take a moment to let the warm, comforting feeling settle. It was a long day, but it looks like it’s going to be a perfect evening with Liam.
I head into the house, and Miss Bobber greets me at the door with a soft meow.
“Hey there, Miss,” I say, bending down to pick her up. She purrs as she rubs her nose against mine, tickling me with her whiskers.
I carry her into the kitchen, my eyes immediately landing on the finished backsplash. With a smile, I set Miss Bobber down and observe the pristine grout work.
“Hey,” I call out, waiting for Liam to join me in the kitchen. But the house is quiet.
Miss Bobber winds herself around my legs as I peer out the window to the dock, but don’t see him there either.
“Where is he?” I ask Miss Bobber as I head into the living room. And then I hear the shower running upstairs.
I fill Miss Bobber’s dish with food and make my way upstairs, excitement stirring as I get closer to the bedroom. After a long day on the boat and installing some stall doors, I could use a warm shower with Liam…
But as I enter the bedroom, the excitement fizzles. The bathroom door is slightly ajar, the lights are all off, and the air is cool.
I slowly push the bathroom door open, and catch the reflection of the shower in the mirror. It’s running, but I don’t see Liam in there.
A chill settles deep inside me as I step into the room and look through the glass shower door.
Liam sits slumped against the wall, fully dressed, as water pours over him.
“What the fuck?” I rush forward and pull the shower door open. I drop to my knees in front of him as freezing cold water sprays over me. As I take his face in my hands, his skin feels icy, and red, vacant eyes stare back at me.
“Liam…” My chest tightens as I search his face, unsure if he’s even seeing me. It looks like he’s not even here right now.
He blinks slowly as his eyes finally focus on me, and he shivers violently.
I lean over and shut off the water, the cold stream finally ending, and brush his soaked hair away from his forehead.
“Liam,” I say again. “What… what’s going on?”
He shivers again, giving his head a slight shake like he’s trying to reconnect and come back to the present. My brow furrows as I watch him, an overwhelming worry taking over.
“Come on,” I say softly, rising to my feet and pulling him up with me. He follows, moving slowly as I guide him out of the shower. I grab a towel and tug at his soaked clothes. “Take these off.”
Liam doesn’t protest as he fumbles with his clothes, and his hands seem to move on autopilot. I quickly head into the bedroom and grab a pair of his sweatpants and a t-shirt from the dresser, trying to make sense of what I just saw. When I return, he’s drying himself off, his wet hair hanging over his eyes as he keeps them cast down.
I hand him his dry clothes, and when his eyes meet mine, the sadness in them has my breath catching in my chest. It’s deeper than I’ve ever seen. And it breaks my fucking heart.
He pulls on his clothes in silence, and I head back into the bedroom to quickly change out of my own wet clothes and try to stay calm. I’m not sure what this is… I’ve never seen him so distant, and… broken.
But I do know that vacant expression, because I’ve felt it before.
It’s escape. I just don’t know what he’s escaping.
When he steps out of the bathroom, his eyes find mine, and he searches them like he’s trying to figure out what to say and find the right words. But his look says it all. He’s hurting, and he needs help.
I step forward and pull him into my arms, holding him close against me. His cold skin presses against mine as his arms wrap around me, and his head falls to my shoulder. A mirror image of us yesterday morning, when he was the one comforting me.
We stay quiet as I hold him, and he hangs on tight.
Until he says, in a soft voice, "I called my parents."
My heart skips a beat. I don’t know what this means, but I know for Liam, it’s big. "Yeah?" I ask, trying to keep my voice calm.
He holds me a moment longer, then gently pulls back. His eyes are glassy with tears, and he just nods.
I push his hair away from his face, feeling the weight of everything pressing down on him. With his hand in mine, I lead him to the bed and pull him down to sit with me. I’ve never wanted to push him to talk about this, and I understand why Liam is quiet with his pain… but now, I think he needs to.
“What happened?” I ask gently.
He stares at the floor as his fingers fidget and he picks at his nails. “They still love me,” he says quietly.
My brow furrows as I watch him, not sure what to make of that. “Is that a good thing?” I ask cautiously.
He nods slightly, then takes a shuddering breath. A tear rolls down his cheek, slow and heavy. I slide my hand into his and squeeze, urging him to look at me. His eyes finally meet mine, and the raw emotion in them almost breaks me.
“Liam… what’s going on?” I ask, some of the urgency I feel coming through in my words.
He holds my gaze for a moment before looking down at our joined hands. “My parents still think I’m in Alberta, and I haven’t talked to them, or Nick’s parents, since his funeral.”
I nod. He’s mentioned this before, and I can’t say I haven’t been wondering why he’s been avoiding them.
“I left them in pain,” he continues, his voice tightening. “I ran away from everything that hurt me, but I’m hurting them even more by staying away.”
I stay silent to give him the space he needs, knowing that this is big. And I think he’s on the edge of something he’s never fully shared before.
“But if they know…” His voice cracks, and his brow furrows like he’s struggling to continue. “I’ll hurt them even more.”
I squeeze his hand again. “If they know what?” I ask softly. “That you're here?”
Liam shakes his head. His breath catches, and his face crumples as he leans forward, letting go of my hand so he can bury his face in his. “That Nick…” He chokes on his name. “That I made him go…” His words dissolve into a pained cry, his shoulders shaking. “That I was supposed to die,” he says, the words breaking out between sobs. “It should have been me. They don’t know what I did… I…”
His breath hitches on his words, and he can’t get the rest out. His sobs are so raw and deep that I feel my own tears rise as I wrap my arms around him, pulling him against me. He cries into my shoulder, like months of pent-up grief and anguish is pouring out all at once.
“It’s ok,” I whisper, holding him tight.
I lean back against the pillows, taking him with me and holding him against my chest. The room darkens around us as he lets it all out, and eventually the only light left is the soft glow from the windows. Just enough to make out his face as his tears slow.
He wipes his eyes as he takes in a deep, shaky breath.
“It was you,” he says softly, his voice hoarse.
I tilt my head towards him, feeling his hair against my cheek. “What was me?”
He swallows, shifting to lie on his back as he releases another shaky breath and I trace his outline in the darkness with my eyes.
“I felt like… It was too much,” he says slowly, and anticipation builds as I wait, worried that I know what he’s getting at. “I just… wanted it all to end,” he says softly, and my stomach drops at those words, and the ones he said earlier.
I was supposed to die. It should have been me.
My pulse thunders in my ears, and he turns to look at me.
“But then I thought of you.” He sniffs, and pauses for a moment. “And I didn’t want it to end.”
I hold his gaze and take his hand in mine again, gripping it tight. The image of him in that freezing shower, and the blank, hollow look on his face… he was checking out, and trying not to hurt himself. I don’t even want to think about what he would’ve done if I hadn’t come home when I did.
There’s something about Nick’s death that is haunting him, twisting something inside him and making him feel like he was supposed to be the one to die. He’s been drowning in guilt, and now I see just how strong that is. It’s kept him away from his family, so he can punish himself… alone.
But he’s not alone.
I look at him in the darkness and lift my hand to his face, feeling the warmth of his skin mixed with the wetness of his tears. “I wish I could take all this pain away for you.”
But I know there’s nothing I can do. The only thing that truly eases the weight of grief is time, and holding onto good memories. Those moments that made everything feel brighter when they were still here, that can now add lightness to our dark days.
“Tell me a good memory with Nick,” I say, looking into his eyes and wishing I could see them.
He’s quiet for a moment, until Miss Bobber jumps onto the bed. She delicately walks over us, and settles on Liam’s chest. Her soft purrs fill the room, and the soothing sound seems to reach him, providing him a sense of comfort as he lifts his hand to stroke her fur.
“Last year…” he begins slowly, his voice low and thoughtful. “Our parents came out to visit us in Calgary.” He pauses and I see his chest rise as he draws in a breath, like he’s gathering the strength to continue. “He had this idea that we would all go out for sushi, because he saw a place near our house that he’s been wanting to try. I don’t think he’s ever had sushi in his life, but… we went.” Liam’s fingers gently comb through Miss Bobber’s fur as he speaks, and I can hear some of the tension easing from his voice. “He definitely didn’t understand what all-you-can-eat is.”
I keep my eyes on him and let him take his time, the heaviness slowly lifting, just a little.
“He ordered for all of us, and I still have no idea what he did. But he royally fucked it up.” He huffs out a breath through his nose. “It all started ok. We each had a salad and a bowl of edamame beans for the table. But with each plate of sushi that arrived, which was insane, also came another bowl of edamame beans.”
A smile pulls at my lips as I picture a table filled with edamame beans.
“Eventually, we had ten bowls on the table, along with more sushi than anyone could ever eat. It was a fucking disaster.” He shakes his head with a breath of laughter. “But our parents thought it was hilarious and we spent hours there, laughing until we were crying and trying to eat as much as we could…”
He trails off, and I hear the joy fading in his voice.
“Nick made everything fun. No matter how ridiculous it was.”
I give his hand a gentle squeeze. “Sounds like it.”
He stays quiet for a moment, and when he speaks again, his voice is soft and fragile. “That’s why I can’t go back home. He was my brother, and his parents are mine too…” He pauses, shaking his head. “To go back there, without him… and tell them…” he draws a shaky breath in. “It’s why I’m here. I couldn’t stay in Alberta, and I couldn’t go home. I just kept driving, hoping something would take me away, and end this pain…” He turns his head to look at me. “Then I found you.”
I lift my hand to his face and gently brush away a tear. As grateful as I am that we found each other, I wish more than anything that his pain wasn’t what brought him here. “I’m glad you’re here,” I say softly.
Liam nods, and I swear I feel something deep inside him release. His pain isn’t gone, but for now, at least we have each other.
“Same.”