Chapter 27
TWENTY-SEVEN
I swipe the sponge over the last of the grout on the kitchen backsplash and stand back to inspect my work. The soft blue, nearly white, tiles give the kitchen a soft coastal feel against the off-white cabinets, and I smile as I sweep my gaze over the space. Theo did a great job picking these out, and I’m happy I was able to finish the last of the grouting this afternoon.
As I drop the sponge into the bucket at my feet, Miss Bobber trots over, her front paws resting on the edge as she peers into the murky water.
“You don’t want to go in there,” I chuckle, bending down to grab the bucket.
She follows me as I head for the bathroom to dump the dirty water, but darts away as I flush the toilet. Only to reappear moments later when I exit the bathroom, attacking my feet in playful fury.
“Ferocious beast,” I mutter, wiggling my toes as she dramatically pounces on them.
As I head back into the kitchen, I let my gaze wander around the space and take it all in. Theo already had quite a bit of the kitchen done before I moved in, but now that the backsplash is in, it’s finished.
And it feels like home.
Our home.
My eyes drift to the fridge, landing on the drawings from Isla and Mason. The ones I saw when I first arrived still hang there… but new ones have been added from their visit with us yesterday.
And scrawled across the top of one, in wobbly handwriting, is, “To Uncle Theo and Liam.”
My chest tightens as I stare at Mason’s drawing of me, him, and Theo on the dock fishing. And the sense of belonging I’ve been feeling, being accepted into this family, settles over me. This strong, loving family that has weathered so much yet still has so much love to give. Even to strangers who show up needing a place to call home.
Even though I do have a home.
I just can’t bring myself to go there.
My gaze shifts to what used to be my room downstairs, where my phone is buried at the bottom of my bag in the corner… untouched for the past two weeks. And before I realize what I’m doing, my feet are carrying me towards it. My hand shakes slightly as I pull it out and power it on, and I watch as text messages flood the screen. Some are from old coworkers and friends in Alberta… but my eyes zero in on the one I knew would be here.
Mom: We miss you, mo mhac. Please call when you’re ready xo
I keep my eyes on her words as I head out of the bedroom and onto the front deck. The cool drizzle in the air mists my skin, and the fog rolling off the ocean feels like a heavy blanket around me. But I need to be out here, for space to breathe.
My heart thunders as I stare down at my mom’s name. Then I hit call and bring the phone to my ear. It rings twice before Mom’s voice answers, bright and filled with hope.
“Liam?”
I swallow the lump rising in my throat. “Hi, Mom.”
“Oh my god, baby.” She chokes up, and then calls out to my dad. “Ross! Come here, it’s Liam!”
I hear my dad’s muffled voice in the background, and I drop my gaze to the wet railing, gripping it to steady myself. I take a deep breath, trying to get my shit together.
“Liam?” Dad’s voice comes through the phone, warm and laced with relief. “It’s good to hear from you. How’ve you been?”
I take a shaky breath and sniff, hesitating for a moment as I try to add strength to my voice. “Alright. How are you guys?”
“We’re just plugging along,” Dad says softly. Then he pauses. “You at work?”
“No… I go back this week.”
“Good, good,” he says. “Hopefully you got some time to rest.”
“It’s been ok,” I murmur, closing my eyes and hating how awkward this is.
Silence stretches between us and my mind is both blank and frantic at the same time as I have no idea what to say.
“How are you holding up?” Dad asks gently, breaking the silence.
I rub a hand over my face as the chaos of emotions inside me rises, threatening to spill over. I stay quiet as I try to find the words to answer that loaded question, sifting through endless thoughts and feelings. My parents remain silent, waiting patiently, and giving me the space I need.
“I don’t know,” I say eventually.
“That’s ok,” Mom says quietly, her voice tender and full of love. “We know it takes time.”
I blow out a shaky breath, overwhelmed by how understanding they are despite the months of silence. My heart pounds in my chest so hard it almost hurts as guilt swirls inside me. But I try to push it down so I can muster up the bravery to ask about the rest of my family.
“How are Phil and Leah?” I ask, the words sounding like they’re miles away.
The last time I saw Nick’s parents was at the funeral, but even then, I don’t think I really spoke to them. I barely even remember being there as I just went through the motions, feeling trapped inside myself and wishing everything would just end.
“They’re doing ok, Liam.” Dad’s voice is gentle as he takes his time with his response. “They ask about you a lot.”
My throat tightens as tears burn the back of my eyes, and I lower my head to press my forehead against the railing. I don’t say anything as I try to just keep it all together.
“We’re always thinking of you, baby,” Mom’s voice trembles on the other end, thick with her own tears. “We just hope you’re doing the best you can.”
I draw a sharp breath in as I try to hold back my tears. But hearing her sniffle is breaking me, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. Any of this.
“Do you think you’ll come visit soon?” she asks cautiously.
My gaze lifts to the fog-covered ocean, and I blink through the blur of tears. “I’ll try,” I whisper, not sure if she can even hear me.
But she does. “Ok,” she says softly, and full of understanding. “We’re here for you, my love. Whatever you need.”
The familiar ache takes over as guilt once again settles. They lost someone too, and I wasn’t there for them. But they still want to support me… even when I’m the one who caused this pain.
I nod, even though they can’t see it, and my voice catches in my throat. “Yeah.” Then I wipe my eyes, stand up straight and draw a breath in. “But I should go…” I say, needing to end this call before I completely lose it and hurt them even more.
“Ok,” Dad says, seeming to understand. “Call again soon… even if it’s just to say hi.”
I stare out into the fog as a tear rolls down my cheek. “Ok.”
“Be safe,” he adds, his voice soft and caring.
At those words, the storm inside me surges.
I hang up without even saying goodbye as the emotion crashes over me like a wave I can't outrun. I collapse onto the deck, resting my head against the cool railing as everything I’ve been holding inside comes pouring out. The tears, the guilt, the weight of everything I’ve kept buried… It's too much.
I didn’t even tell them I’m in Nova Scotia. I didn’t tell them anything.
Why did I do this to them?
I don’t know what I was expecting when I called them. But I’ve been missing them, and the longer I stay here in Torrin Cove, the stronger that feeling grows. This place is starting to feel like home as I build a life here, living in happy moments between diminishing darkness… and falling in love. But I’ve left my parents in the dark while they manage their own pain. The pain I’m causing.
Every day I experience the strength of the MacKinnon family as I feel how deeply they care, and watch how they hold each other up, even with everything they’ve been through. And I can’t even talk to my own parents. I can’t tell them I’m just hours away and that I love them, miss them, and want to see them.
I want to hug them and tell them I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving like I did, for cutting them out when we needed each other the most. For not letting them in so we could heal together.
I’m sorry for the pain I’m putting them through every single day.
The sobs rip through me, shaking my body as I grip the railing like it’s the only thing keeping me grounded. I can still hear my mom’s voice in my head… her understanding and loving words, laced with hurt and emotion. They still care about me so much, even when I’ve done nothing but push them away.
It hurts. It fucking hurts.
An urgent need is quickly growing as I let everything out. And the feeling is quickly becoming unbearable.
I fucked up.
And I keep fucking up.
They don’t deserve me.
And I don’t deserve to be here.
The only thing I deserve is pain.