Chapter 35
THIRTY-FIVE
Theo’s chest rises and falls with soft breaths as his bandaged and splinted arm rests on a pillow beside him. I clutch my bag tight as I watch him, not wanting to wake him after a restless night, but needing to say bye before I leave for work. My chest tightens as my eyes roam over his arm, hating that things have to be like this.
I quietly lean over and kiss his forehead, just like he’s done to me every morning before he leaves for work. His eyes flutter open, and I set my bag down as I sink onto the edge of the bed.
“I have to go,” I say, looking down at him in the stillness of the early morning, the first signs of light just starting to peek through the windows. But the ache in my heart grows the longer I stare down at him, urging me to stay and climb back into bed with him. “I don’t want to.”
His uninjured hand slides onto my thigh. “I know… I don’t want you to either.” He pauses for a moment and releases a breath. “But you have to.”
A deep, resigned sigh escapes me as I nod. Last night, I almost called off my rotation to stay home with Theo, because the thought of leaving him for three weeks feels like a knife in my heart, twisting deeper with every passing second that brings me closer to leaving. But he told me I have to go, and I know he’s right. If I bail on a rotation last minute, especially when it’s only my second with this company, my career in oil and gas will be over. No one would ever hire me again if they can’t rely on me.
It just fucking hurts to leave him like this.
He looks into my eyes and squeezes my leg. “I’ll be ok.”
I lean down to kiss him, lingering against his lips for a moment longer to take in every bit of him that I can, memorizing this moment so I can bring it with me. And when I pull back and meet his eyes again, the words are on the tip of my tongue.
I love you.
But I keep them in for now. Because even though the love I feel for him is overwhelming and those words are desperate to come out, I can’t say them when he’s hurting the way he is and I’m about to leave for three weeks. I want to be able to share that love with joy and happiness. Not sadness and pain.
My hand cups the side of his face as I run my thumb over his freckles, and stare into his warm brown eyes.
“Mo chridhe.”
Sparks fly around me as I work, hanging by ropes underneath the platform of the rig. Waves crash loudly against the legs, nearly drowning out the sound of my welder. But I remain focused on the job before me as I reinforce the joint which is starting to show some signs of corrosion, worn down by the severe forces and relentless weather out here in the Gulf of Mexico. One bad weld can lead to devastating consequences, so I block out everything around me and keep my attention firmly on the job.
When I’m finished, I lift my shield and inspect the welds, satisfied with the result. But as I reach for the ascender to haul myself back up to the platform, my gaze falls to the ocean below me. The waves continue to forcefully crash against the rig legs, and I get lost in their hypnotic rhythm. As I watch the deep, dark ocean swirl and churn, I think of how much it could hurt me. The waves could easily pull me under, into its darkness, and never let me go. The same waves I’ve been riding through grief are right here before me, begging me to come join them, and promising to take my pain away forever.
But they don’t control me anymore.
What I once wished would take me away and swallow me whole, I now want to fight. An urge rises inside me, but it’s not the one I’m used to. It’s the urge to rise above it, and wait out the storm.
Because I want to be here. I want to be strong.
For Theo. For my family.
And for me.
I pull my gaze from the water and hit the ascender, letting it pull me up. When I get to the top of the platform, Bryce, one of the safety guys, helps me up.
“All good?” he asks as he helps me unhook the ropes from my harness.
“Yeah,” I nod. “Straightforward weld. Easy job.”
He chuckles. “Easy,” he says with a shake of his head. “Not the word I typically use for hanging on ropes over the ocean.”
I shrug as I step out of the harness, and he laughs again.
“Welders are fucked,” he says.
“Yeah,” I say with a simple nod.
He snorts and shakes his head again, scooping up the ropes and helmets. “Have a good one,” he says as he heads off with the gear.
And I immediately shove my hand into my pocket to pull out my phone.
My heart flutters as I see Theo’s name on my screen with a text, returning mine from when I checked in on him earlier.
Theo
Just woke up. These meds knock me out.
I rest my elbows on the railing as I tap out a response, the waves continuing to crash below me.
It’s good you’re getting sleep though.
Then I lift my phone and snap a picture of the sunset over the water. Fiery orange softens into golden yellow as it meets the edge of the darkening sky, and the water below ripples with its reflection, like fire dancing across the ocean. I send it to him, then watch as he types, the bubbles appearing, disappearing, and appearing again. He’s typing one-handed so it takes a while longer, and a pang of guilt settles in my chest.
Not a bad view. You done now?
Yeah, just need to put my gear away.
He starts typing again, and I wait patiently, hating how hard it clearly is for him. But I can’t help but chuckle when his response comes through.
Then warming up the ping-pong arm?
I shake my head, smiling as I tap out my response.
Saving that for tomorrow night. Gotta ease everyone into losing.
I hear some of the guys walking down the corridor as they wrap up their shift, so I shove my phone into my pocket, grab the welder, and head to the workshop. Luckily the shop is quiet, so I quickly put everything away and duck out before I run into anyone.
As I walk to my room, I pull my phone out again.
Very noble of you.
Once I’m in my room, and the door is closed behind me, I tap his name and hit call. I sit on the edge of my bed as it rings a couple times, then he answers.
“Hey,” he says in a soft and tired voice.
“Hey,” I reply, a feeling almost like relief flooding through me just at the sound of his voice.
“How was your first day?” he asks.
“It was ok,” I say. “Busy right away. I was on the ropes for most of it.”
There’s a pause on the other end and my heart sinks. Because I know he’s thinking what I’ve been thinking all day. We both take risks in dangerous jobs, every day. And one of those risks became all too real for him. Who’s to say it won’t for me someday too…
But I shake off that feeling and change the subject. “Did you see your family today?”
“Yeah, Mom and Heather were here this morning,” he says. “And Grandpa stopped by this afternoon.” He pauses for a moment, and his voice softens. “He took the crew out today. He’s going to finish the season with them.”
A lump rises in my throat. I know how much it hurts Theo not to be out there with his crew, but I also know it’s about more than the job. Jimmy stepping in is for Theo’s peace of mind. To not only take care of what Theo can’t right now, but to also take care of him.
“Let me guess,” I say, forcing some lightness into my voice. “He brought in the biggest haul of the season?”
Theo lets out a breath of laughter, and the sound lifts my heart.
“Obviously.”
I smile, happy they haven’t lost their ability to rib on each other amongst this pain.
“He’s a good one,” I say softly.
“Yeah. He is.”
We’re quiet for a moment as I lie back on the bed and stare at the underside of the bunk above me.
“How’s Miss Bobber?” I ask.
“She’s asleep on my lap right now. I think she likes having someone to sleep with all day.” He pauses for a moment. “She’s been sleeping on your pillow beside me.”
My breath catches in my chest as I close my eyes. “I wish I was.”
I hear his breath through the phone as he lets out a soft sigh. “Me too.”
I rub my hand forcefully over my eyes as I momentarily pull the phone away from my ear and let out a sigh of my own.
Fuck, this is hard.
But I draw a breath in and push it all aside, knowing I need to stay strong for him.
I bring the phone back to my ear. “I feel like you’ve set me up for failure here, by the way.”
There’s a long pause on the other end, and I just wait.
“What?”
“You were all talk about challenging me in ping-pong,” I say. “But because you never did, I’m rusty now.”
An incredulous breath of laughter escapes him, making me smile.
“And I was supposed to do that anyway, when you told me to fuck off every time?” he asks, but I hear the smile in his voice.
I chuckle. “Who can’t take the challenge now?”
“Still you,” he says, not missing a beat. “Because you could be playing right now, but you’re hiding away in your room instead.”
Both fire and laughter rise in my chest. “ Hiding ?”
“I mean, yeah. Sounds like you’re scared.”
I huff out a laugh. “I’ll report back tomorrow after I win.”
“And if you lose?”
“Fuck off.”
We both laugh again, but then fall quiet as the comfortable silence settles between us.
“Tha mi gad ionndrainn, mo chridhe,” I say softly.
I hear him release a soft breath. “Do I get to know what that means yet?
I smile as I close my eyes and picture his face. “Soon.”
We’re silent for a moment longer, before I reluctantly check the time.
“You should get some more sleep,” I say. “And I should too.”
“Yeah,” he says with a sigh.
But neither one of us makes a move to end the call, as we just listen to each other’s soft breaths through the phone.
Eventually I find the courage, knowing he really should get more sleep.
“Talk again tomorrow?” I ask softly.
“Yeah,” he says again. “Night.”
“Night.”
I pull the phone away from my ear and hit end , gripping it tight in my hand as I run my fingers through my hair.
Then it buzzes, the screen lighting up with Theo’s name.
I tap his text, and smile down at the photo of Miss Bobber, curled up on his lap with the white tip of her tail tucked in against her little face.
Our nightly routine while I’m away, where he sends a photo of her before we go to sleep.
While life may feel uncertain right now… we don’t. We’re going to get through this together, and I’ll be with him every step of the way.
He’s going to be ok.
We’re going to be ok.