Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
I drag Miss Bobber’s toy across the couch for her and she pounces on it, pulling it to her mouth to bite it. As she falls over to furiously kick at her catch, I let the toy go and my gaze drifts to the ocean out the window as a sigh escapes me.
I am so fucking bored.
It’s been a few days now since I got home from the hospital, and I haven’t even left the house. I can’t drive because of the meds I’m on, not to mention how hard it would be with my arm. But if I could, I’d try. Not that I know where I’d even go or what I’d do.
As I stare at the ocean, my mind wanders to my crew and Grandpa, who are out there right now. Grandpa didn’t have to come out of retirement for this… but I appreciate that he did. He’s looking after my crew and letting them finish out the season so they get paid, which was one of my biggest worries.
I tear my eyes away from the ocean, trying to keep the regret and sadness from growing any more than it already is. But as my gaze then lands on the sunroom door, it flows in anyway.
I haven’t stepped foot in there since I got home, and I don’t want to. Not without Liam. It was supposed to be finished by now… our spot to relax and just be together. But now it’s left unfinished, with baseboard piled in the corner and a half-finished coffee table in the workshop. And Liam isn’t here, while I’m stuck with a mangled arm, watching the days slip by.
I push to my feet with a frustrated sigh, needing to move and find something, anything, to keep my mind from spiralling. All I’ve been doing is sleeping and waiting to talk to Liam when he’s free, and I think I’m going to go crazy soon.
But I don’t know what to do.
My phone buzzes in my sweatpants pocket as I stand in the middle of the kitchen, and I eagerly pull it out, expecting a text from Liam.
But it’s not him. It’s Caleb.
Caleb
Hey, up for a visit?
He’s been checking in ever since he heard about my accident, but I haven’t seen him since he was here a couple months ago, when I brought Liam to the pub to watch him and his girlfriend play. So I feel a stir of excitement that he’s going to be coming into town again soon.
Yeah, when?
Right now. I’m here.
My brow furrows as I look towards the door and head over, pulling it open to find Caleb standing on the other side with a big smile.
“Hey, buddy,” he says
“Hey…” I trail off. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you. And I brought a shit ton of stuff.” He gestures to the bags at his feet, then picks them up and carries them into the house.
I close the door after him, watching him curiously.
“Uh… what is all this?” I ask as he sets the bags on the kitchen island.
Caleb looks around the kitchen with a low whistle. “Damn… this is a far cry from the shithole you bought.” Then he winks at me and reaches into one of the bags, taking out a stack of cards and setting them on the counter. “Everyone has been dropping stuff off for you at the store. And I needed to come see you, so I’m delivering it.”
I watch as he starts pulling out meals, gifts, and baked goods, piling them onto the counter. I step closer, pulling out a piece of paper from the pile of cards. It’s a drawing from one of the kids in town… a picture of me with a cast on my arm and “Get well soon Theo” scrawled across it.
Caleb places the last of the meals on the counter and watches me for a moment as I silently take it all in.
“It’s time we take care of you,” he says.
I bite back the overwhelming emotion that rises as I just nod, my eyes scanning the counter covered with gifts from everyone in town.
He leans on the counter, catching my eye. “So… how are you doing?”
I rub a hand over my face and blow out a breath. “Been better.”
His gaze drops to my arm as sympathy fills his eyes and voice. “I’m sorry, man. This sucks.”
“Yeah…” I agree with a nod.
He reaches out and squeezes my shoulder on my good side. “I’ll get this stuff put away for you.”
“Thanks,” I murmur, sinking onto a stool at the island.
Caleb opens the freezer and starts stuffing it full of lasagna and casseroles. “I’ve been given very specific instructions on each of these meals, from everyone who made them. And all of them said to freeze them if you’re not going to eat it right away.” He glances over his shoulder at me. “You know how it is. The moms are momming.”
I let out a tired laugh, having been getting quite a bit of momming from mine the past few days. “Oh, I know.”
He smiles at the drawing on the fridge as he grabs another dish for the freezer, the one Mason drew with "To Uncle Theo and Liam" on it.
“Liam still here?” Caleb asks, glancing over his shoulder.
I nod. “He’s at work.”
“Ah.” He nods. “Rig life.”
As he continues to arrange the meals in the freezer, I watch him… and wonder what he would think…
“Caleb,” I say, his name coming out of my mouth before my brain can catch up and stop me.
He turns to look at me, eyebrows raised as he waits.
My heart pounds in my chest as I stare back at him. I wanted to tell my family first, but… he’s my oldest friend. We’ve been through a lot together, and even though he doesn’t live here anymore and I don’t see him as much, every time we talk… it’s like no time has passed. An urge is rising, and a voice inside me is getting louder, telling me to just do it. Try it. He’ll understand.
And suddenly, I can’t hold it in any longer.
“I’m gay.”
His eyebrows lift as he nods slowly. “Oh.” He turns around to place the last dish in the freezer. “Ok, cool.”
My pulse roars in my ears as I continue to sit here in silence and fear, and wait for everything to fall apart.
But when he meets my eyes, his brow furrows. “What?”
All I can do is stare back at him, unsure what’s happening. Panic starts to rise as I think maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it. Because he is getting ready to bolt, and our almost thirty-year friendship is about to shatter.
But he studies me for a moment with curiosity. “Have you told anyone else?”
I shake my head, swallowing hard.
The corner of his mouth tilts up in a soft smile as he rests his elbows on the counter. “How does it feel?”
A rush of relief rolls through me, so strong it almost fucking takes me out. I release a large breath that I feel like I’ve been holding my entire life. “So fucking good.”
He smiles widely. “Been holding that in for a while, eh?”
I nod with a huff. “You could say that.”
He watches me for a moment with soft and understanding eyes. “Liam?”
“Yeah.” Then I quickly add, “But I haven’t told my family yet.”
He brings his fingers to his lips in action to lock them and throw away the key.
A small smile tugs at my lips, but then I sigh, knowing there’s still so much left in this journey. “I just don’t know what everyone will think…”
Caleb drops his gaze, scanning the cards and gifts all over the counter… the tokens of care and support from everyone in town. Then he meets my eyes again with a small smirk. “I think you’ll be just fine.”
I watch the sky darken through the skylight as I lie in bed, Miss Bobber lying beside me as she falls asleep. My arm hurts as the meds are starting to wear off, and I should take more… but I want to talk to Liam first so I’m not drowsy.
The second my phone buzzes, I answer, putting it on speaker and setting it on my chest.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” his tired-sounding voice comes through the speaker. I hear a door close in the background, like he might just be getting back to his room.
“How was your day?” I ask.
He hesitates for a moment, and I hear rustling like he’s removing a jacket. “It was ok… fucking long. I had to get up twice last night for emergencies on the pipe, and it was nonstop today.”
I feel a wave of sympathy for him, wondering how he manages to do this for three weeks straight, working twelve to fourteen hour days and being on call all night. “Just over two weeks left…” I say, trying to give him some hope.
“It can’t come soon enough,” he sighs.
I run my fingers through Miss Bobber’s fur beside me. “Caleb stopped by today,” I tell him.
“The guitar player?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
“How was that?”
“It was good…” I take a breath, my heart pounding. “I told him I’m gay.”
There’s a brief silence. “And?”
“It was fine.”
“Would you look at that…” he says slowly.
I huff a laugh. “Fuck off.”
He laughs, and I can’t help but smile at the sound.
“I’m happy everything went well with him,” he says. “I know that was probably really hard to do.”
I stare up at the ceiling for a moment. “It actually wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be…”
He chuckles. “Even better.”
“And…” I take a deep breath, “When you’re home, I still want to tell my family.”
“Of course,” he says softly.
I smile, already feeling some weight lifting.
“I’ve… actually been thinking about family a lot lately,” he adds hesitantly.
“Yeah?” I ask, unsure of where he’s going with that.
“Yeah…” His voice grows quieter. “I want to go see mine when I get home.”
Well, I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t know what to say because I have no idea what prompted this. So I stay quiet as he continues.
“I think… I think your injury, and…” a frustrated sigh escapes him, like he’s trying to find the right words, but can’t. “It’s just… I need to do it. I need to stop running.”
I feel like there’s more, and like there’s something he’s trying to get out. So I stay quiet, letting him work through his thoughts.
“Nick died in an explosion at camp.”
My heart feels like it stops as those words settle over me.
He pulls in a shaky breath. “He was working on an oilfield steel skid that I was working on the day before.”
I stay silent, not even moving as he slowly lets it all out.
“Nick and I were the only two welders on shift that day, so when our supervisor said one of us needed to go finish it, I convinced him to go.” He pauses for a moment. “I didn’t want to do it.”
My heart races as I take in the pain in his voice.
“The acetylene cylinders needed to be switched out because they were low from the day before,” he continues slowly, like each word is heavy and hard to get out. “The foreman switched them out… but something went wrong, and too much was released.” He’s quiet for a moment, then his voice breaks. “It should have been me.”
My heart fucking breaks for him.
He’s said that before, and I didn’t know what he meant.
He was supposed to be on that job…
“Liam,” I say softly, hearing him sniffle on the other end.
“I shouldn’t have told him to go. It was my job, and I should have been there. I should have checked the levels the night before, I should have—” His voice catches, and I hate that he’s been blaming himself for this.
“But you wouldn’t have been the one replacing the cylinders anyway,” I say gently.
“Doesn’t matter,” he murmurs. “I still should have done the job myself. I shouldn’t have convinced him to do my job. ”
“Liam,” I say adding strength to my voice, “none of this is your fault. You didn’t know the equipment would fail. How could you?”
There’s a long silence, his sniffles the only sound coming through the speaker.
I think of everything he’s told me since we’ve known each other, and all the pain he’s been carrying, and suddenly, everything comes into focus. The distance from his family, the guilt, the running… the self-harm… it all stems from this moment.
“Your family doesn’t know this, do they?” I ask gently.
“No,” he says, his voice so quiet I almost don’t hear him.
“Do you think they will blame you?”
I hear him pull in a breath. “Yes,” he whispers, and the pain in his voice crushes me.
I close my eyes as my chest aches. “Do you think if it had been the other way around, they would blame Nick?”
He doesn’t answer, but I let the question sit with him.
“I’m so sorry you lost your best friend like that,” I say gently. “But there’s no way you could have predicted that would happen. And if it had been you… you know Nick would be thinking the same thing. How would you want him to feel?”
I hear him take a deep breath.
“Some things are just out of our control, no matter how shitty they are,” I add, glancing down at my arm resting on the pillow, the dull ache growing stronger.
“Yeah,” he says, his voice raw and fragile.
“I’ll go with you to see your family,” I say. “Whenever you’re ready.”
There’s a quiet beat. “Thank you,” he says.
While there’s a deep sadness in his voice, and I know that was hard for him to say… I swear I can also hear a hint of relief in there too.
I know how hard it is to keep something inside for so long.
And today, we both finally let that out.
“Are you ok?” I ask.
He sighs deeply. “I will be.”
“Yeah… you will,” I say softly.
Silence falls over us for a moment, but I don’t let it last for long.
“Now,” I say, “tell me all the latest ping-pong gossip.”
He chuckles softly, and I smile. He’s pulled me out of my own darkness so many times these past few days, it’s time I return the favour.
“Besides Raúl almost breaking the table last night, there’s not much to report,” he says.
I laugh. “Sore loser?”
“No, he won,” Liam replies. “He’s just a big guy who doesn’t know his own strength when he celebrates.”
I laugh, trying to picture big, burly oil rig workers getting so into ping-pong. “And when you win?”
“I accept my victory with grace,” he says simply.
“Oh, of course,” I say with another chuckle.
As we fall into another quiet moment, I let this one sit a bit longer. I take in the sound of his soft breaths on the other line and wish more than anything I could reach right through this phone and hold him.
But the pain in my arm is growing quickly, and it’s starting to throb.
“I need to go take my meds,” I say reluctantly.
“That’s ok,” he says softly. “I’m just going to go to sleep. Give Miss Bobber a pat for me.”
I reach down and run my fingers through her fur as she yawns and stretches. “Already am.”
“Have a good sleep,” he says.
“You too.”
When we hang up, I open the camera on my phone, snap a picture of Miss Bobber and send it to him.
But before I can lock my screen, he sends a reply.
Liam: Thank you, mo chridhe.
I stare at the words as my eyes trace each letter. It’s the first time I’ve seen them written out, as I’ve only ever heard the beautiful, rolling sound of them on his lips.
Mo chridhe…
I type them into a search engine, and I’m suddenly filled with an overwhelming love for him as the translation appears before me.
My heart.