Twenty
Kyrundar
Zidra and I gazed into each other’s eyes. I swayed toward her, as if drawn by her magnetism. My gaze dropped to her lips before flicking back to her golden-brown irises.
“You asked why I’ve never wanted any of the women who flirt with me,” I murmured.
Zidra’s breath caught, and she went still as a frozen lake. For a brief moment, I doubted what I was about to say. But then she leaned ever so subtly closer.
“None of them seemed right. I didn’t realize why until a few nights ago.” I gulped as I placed my heart at her mercy. “None of them are you. I want you , Zidra.”
Her eyes widened. I couldn’t read her expression, and the hints of emotion I felt through the heartbond were frantic and tangled. A good sign? Or a terrible one? I purposefully released the bond so I could focus on what I wanted to say without overanalyzing her emotions.
“I’m in love with you.” My throat was so tight that my voice came out low and hoarse. “I think I’ve loved you since before we graduated; I’ve just been too much of an idiot to see it. You’re my dearest friend, my inspiration, the only person I’ve ever wanted constantly at my side, and I love you.”
Every word squeezed my heart. Something inside me cracked as Zidra gawked at me, her parted lips and pinched expression hardly joyful acceptance and certainly not amorous in return.
Confessing my feelings had been a terrible idea. I’d known that. Yet I was tired of lying to her and to myself.
I almost reached for the heartbond but was too much of a coward.
“Zee?” The nickname sounded like a broken plea on my lips.
For several excruciating heartbeats, she was silent. When she spoke, her voice was a stoic whisper. “Was the heartbond an accident, Ilifir?”
The use of my surname struck me like a physical blow. “I swear it wasn’t a conscious choice. I didn’t know it would happen, and I didn’t intend…” I trailed off, hearing my constant refrain yet again. I didn’t intend.
I hadn’t intended to use Zidra to elevate myself, but that had been the result.
I hadn’t intended to ever hurt her, but I had .
I hadn’t intended to come across as a womanizer, but I had.
I hadn’t intended to create a heartbond that tied Zidra and me together, but I had.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured. “Tying us together wasn’t intentional. I wasn’t aware of my own feelings yet. But it might have been my fault, and for that, I’m sorry.”
As if she would believe that. What kind of fool doesn’t realize they’re in love?
With my hands clasped in my lap, I leaned back and dropped my gaze. The silence dragged on.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated with a sigh. I forced myself to look at her before I continued. “You were just attacked, it’s the middle of the night, and you’ve made it clear—”
My words cut off in a muffled cry of surprise as Zidra darted forward and pressed her lips to mine with such intensity we bumped together harder than was romantic or comfortable.
She winced and started to pull away. “Sorry—”
This time, I interrupted her apology. I tucked one arm behind her and pulled her close while I slipped my hand under her curls to cradle the side of her neck. Zidra inhaled sharply, but then she relaxed as our lips met. My eyes drifted closed. Her warm hands moved up my arms, and then she wrapped her arms around my neck and shoulders.
The sensation of her fingers toying with my hair while her lips moved against mine sent tingles of lightning through my veins. Needing her closer, I released her neck, grabbed her waist, and pulled her onto my lap. My palms slid against the fabric of her shirt as I pressed against her back and deepened the kiss. Zee made a soft sound of pleasure that made my breathing go ragged. She turned her face away, breaking off the kiss, but her arms tightened around my shoulders. I placed featherlight kisses along her jaw, marveling at how right it felt to finally have her in my arms.
“Kyr,” she panted.
“Zee,” I breathed against her cheek. I moved, searching for her lips once more.
She gulped audibly. “Kyrundar, stop.”
Even though I longed to continue kissing her, I immediately heeded her quiet request. Dropping my arms to my sides, I pulled back and opened my eyes.
Zidra’s entire face was flushed, and her chest heaved as she slowly backed off my lap and sat on the beaten-down grass. Eternal icicles, she was gorgeous. But her wide-eyed gaze darted around the shelter, not meeting mine. Had I misinterpreted that? Made her do something she didn’t want?
I’d never forgive myself if I had.
Half afraid of what I’d find, I reached for the heartbond—and immediately released it, but not fast enough to stop my mischievous grin.
She’d enjoyed that at least as much as I had.
“I—we—we shouldn’t have done that.” Zidra ran her fingers through her hair, tangling them in her curls. “What if we don’t love each other and it’s just the heartbond— ”
“Are you saying you love me?” My pleased smile probably made me look like an exuberant puppy, but I didn’t care.
“I don’t know!” Zidra tossed up her hands. “I thought maybe if I kissed you, I’d know if I care about you as a friend or if my feelings are romantic, but I can’t think about anything while doing that! At least not anything appropriate,” she added under her breath.
I lifted an eyebrow, but before I could say anything, she held up her hand.
“A heartbond is not a marriage, Ilifir.”
Normally her use of my last name would quell me, but something about the melodramatically put-out way she said it only made me bolder. “We took no vows against kissing outside of matrimony.”
She rolled her eyes. “Good to know you wouldn’t think it’s cheating if you kissed someone else.”
“I wasn’t talking about kissing anyone else.” I leaned forward and dropped my voice to what I hoped was a seductive register. “If you’ll have me, I vow to kiss only you, Zidra Eilmaris.”
Her lower lip went slack, and an odd squeak caught in her throat. I chuckled, but then she shoved me back. “And you expect me to believe you’re not a flirt.”
“May my insignia be revoked if I’ve ever said something so flirtatious or kissed a woman before tonight.”
Zidra side-eyed me, and her lips twisted to the side. “You’ll be the death of me.”
I might have laughed again if her tone hadn’t been so deadly serious and if the bandage tied around her arm weren’t mocking me.
“We can’t have that.” I shrugged, fighting another smirk. “We’ll have to train together more so we can build trust. Perhaps utilize the heartbond more, since it seems it can warn us if the other is in immediate mortal peril. Then we can go into fights confident in each other’s ability to handle their side of the fight on their own.”
She looked ready to argue, so I added, “The emperor didn’t give us both the Merit because we’re pretty faces. We’re formidable on our own and together. We were top graduates from Harcos Academy. The top one percent of the top fifty percent who even graduate, and two of the three students in our class who were accepted into the Order. If anyone can have each other’s backs in a fight and work out any problems with coordination and trust, it’s us.”
“Hm.” Zee wrinkled her nose, looking unconvinced, but she didn’t argue.
“We should sleep.” I moved my things over, making more space for her, and lay down. After a moment, I heard her move around and then settle down, leaving plenty of space between us. I tapped on the enchanted stone, and the shelter went dark.
“Good night, Zee.”
Her answering “Good night, Kyr” was soft, yet it set my heart racing once again.
Sleep. I needed to sleep.
I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the hushed sound of her breathing, tried to forget I could roll over and draw her into my arms. I stifled a snort. Zidra had been right. Sharing a snow shelter was more intimate than sharing a room in a Haven.
“Kyr?” Zidra whispered.
I held my breath. “Yes?”
“Can you do it again?” I was about to be elated she’d changed her mind about kissing when she rushed to add, “The thing with the heartbond? Where you make it feel safe?”
Safe? That hadn’t exactly been my intent, but I supposed it was good that the sensations I’d tried to send had felt safe. Instead of answering with words, I mentally laid hold of the heartbond and focused on flooding it with all the warmth, comfort, and happiness I felt. Zidra hummed a relaxed sigh.
I closed my eyes and rolled onto my side.
Thank you, Iskyr.
When I awoke, the snow dome above me glowed a faint yellow, and the grassy, vibrant green of the glen was visible through the opening. I stretched, then froze when the back of my hand bumped into something firm and warm. Carefully, I wiggled onto my side, and my breath caught.
During the night, both Zidra and I had migrated to the middle of the shelter. She lay on her side facing me, one arm tucked up under her head. Mere inches separated us. She probably wouldn’t appreciate me staring, but she looked so ethereal and peaceful. I wanted to hold her close. The urge to kiss her forehead tormented me, but not right now. Not when she’d pulled back after our delicious kisses last night. I wouldn’t rush her and risk killing our tender new romance as surely as a late frost would wilt a flower bud.
Zidra sucked in a deeper breath and then groaned. Her eyes fluttered open and met mine. I blushed even though I hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Good morning,” I murmured.
Without replying, Zidra sprang upright and looked around. “It must be so late! Why didn’t you wake me?”
“I only awoke a few moments ago myself.”
Frowning, she looked around the shelter. “I suppose I can’t entirely blame you for our current position, as we both moved.”
“Perhaps we were cold and moved toward each other’s warmth.”
“Can ice elves even get cold?”
I laughed. “Of course we can. Our magic helps insulate us naturally, and in freezing weather we can draw on our magic to keep ourselves warm, but that takes a lot of energy and is difficult to keep up while sleeping. We still like warm, cozy places.” I waved at the snow dome above our heads. “Hence the shelter to trap in heat.”
“Right.” Zidra stretched her arms over her head, avoiding looking at me. “We should leave. I’d like to get this curse out of my arm before it does any more damage—and preferably before someone attempts to assassinate me again.”
Guilt pricked me. I’d gotten too distracted by thoughts of kisses and embraces when I should have been focused on the growing urgency of our quest. “How’s your sense of direction?”
At last, she faced me and cocked her head. “I’m wyveri. It’s excellent—better when I’m shifted, but still good.”
“You probably noticed yesterday that the road here curves a lot between the hills and glens, but there’s few forests in Bryluthia, so we could cut across the countryside directly north. However, my sense of direction isn’t strong enough for that.”
“I can let you know if you’re going off course,” Zidra said, nodding.
With that settled, we packed up, ate some salted meat, and set off.