Twenty-One
Zidra
The memory of kissing Kyrundar burned like a fire—warm, compelling, but also potentially dangerous. Perhaps some reckless wyveri impulse had prompted me to kiss him, but I’d enjoyed the movement of his lips against mine far more than I ever would have guessed. More than I should have.
I could talk to some of the married rengiri. Surely they would have advice on how to navigate life as a rengir and a spouse and, most importantly, how to not let your spouse be a liability in a fight.
Still, a persistent voice said all of this was a mistake. The heartbond, the kiss, the growing attraction—it was all a misstep. None of it fit with my plan to prove myself or win my family’s and clan’s respect.
“We’re drifting too far west,” I shouted. The rushing air seemed louder and colder today, as if Kyrundar were going as fast as possible.
“What?” he yelled back.
With the wind snatching our voices, trying to course correct had been a headache all day. If only I could speak directly into his mind.
Wait.
I’d never heard of a heartbond working that way, but Kyrundar had sent sensations through the bond. Could I send a specific enough feeling he would understand without words?
It was worth a try.
I visualized bumping us to turn a bit more to the east and sent that thought along the heartbond. Kyrundar looked over, his face pinched, and turned his palms upward.
I tried again, picturing shoving him in the right direction over and over. He tilted his head. After a moment, he nodded slowly. The ice disks adjusted course. I grinned and nodded.
I could imagine Iskyr chuckling and saying, See, the heartbond isn’t useless.
The rest of the day passed far smoother than previous days. Whenever we drifted off course, I nudged Kyrundar in the right direction through the heartbond. If I needed to stop, I managed to communicate that through the heartbond as well. By sundown, the expanse of the Aizurgon Sea glittered on the horizon. I pointed a little to the east. With his keen elf eyesight, Kyrundar spotted the same thing I did—a cluster of dark shapes on the shoreline .
We continued into the night. As lamps and fires were lit in the coastal town, Kyrundar no longer needed my assistance with navigation. Most people slept by the time we reached the city of Gamnica.
Once a small fishing village, Gamnica had grown since the founding of the Empire of Laedresh into a thriving center of civilization. One of the imperial mints was in Gamnica, as were some of the most respected trade guilds and the most prestigious university on the continent, and a few major trade routes connected here.
Thus, like Laedresh, Gamnica boasted several cathedrals and sanctuaries and a few Havens. Kyrundar led us along the cobblestone streets to Lighthouse Haven. Technically, it wasn’t a lighthouse anymore, although it still had the small tower attached to a spacious manor. As larger ships frequented the harbor, a far larger lighthouse had been built on a shoal. The story went that a shipwright had purchased and expanded the abandoned lighthouse with the intent of living there. One day his son was caught on the sea in a storm, and the man had promised Iskyr that if his son returned alive, he would gift the lighthouse to a religious house. After his son survived, he turned the lighthouse into Gamnica’s first Haven. His descendants still paid for its upkeep.
A couple of the rooms were taken, marked by closed doors with sea monsters carved into the wood. I strode through the first open door I saw, ready to sleep in a bed. Kyrundar sat on one of the three cots with a contented sigh .
“Mm, I thank the wealthy citizens of Gamnica for keeping this Haven outfitted with the softest linens and the most comfortable feather mattresses.”
“The life of a rengir isn’t meant to be one of gentle comforts.” I shook my head, fighting a smile. After our rough night in the countryside, I was grateful that some people chose to provide for the Havens as their offering to Iskyr.
Kyrundar snorted. “Just because we vow not to own anything we cannot carry and disavow greed doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy quality and comfortable things. We aren’t members of the Pachissian Order who think Iskyr is best served by asceticism.” His nose wrinkled.
“Good thing, too, or we’d have broken our vows last night, since they swear to abstain from all physical pleasures and passions.”
I immediately regretted the words. Our vows did include honoring the other holy brotherhoods and sisterhoods, but the Pachissian monks were so irritating. They tended to believe every other order was inferior, and as staunch pacifists, they often declared rengiri shouldn’t be allowed to fight people, only beasts and monsters.
Mostly I wished I hadn’t let the words slip free because Kyrundar looked up from removing his boots and pinned me with his gaze. The subtle upward slant of the corner of his lips, the slight tilt of his head, and the fire smoldering in his piercing blue eyes all sent blood rushing to my face.
“I’m going to change.” I darted behind the dressing screen in the corner.
“I…am going to do my best not to think about that. ”
“Kyr!” I stuck my head past the edge of the screen and scowled at him.
He laughed. “Meanwhile, I am going to change over here. So stop peeking.”
I had to be red as a fire salamander. I fled behind the marginal safety of the dressing screen, wishing I could vanish. Or at least stop thinking about Kyrundar coming to my rescue in just his linen sleeping trousers with the moonlight highlighting his muscles…
Why did he have to be so stupidly attractive?
To give both of us time to cool down, I changed slowly. My clothes really needed to be washed, but that meant letting them dry, and we didn’t have time for that. Finally, I took a steadying breath and emerged from behind the screen.
Kyrundar was already nestled under the blanket on his cot, which was both a relief and a disappointment. I hurried to my cot and crawled inside. My nose twitched. It was chilly near the sea, but it didn’t seem right that I smelled snow.
“Are you using your magic?”
“I put a line of magicked ice across the threshold and around the window,” he confirmed. “No person or magic should be able to enter the room without it waking me. Sleep well, Zee.”
“Good night, Kyr.”
Warmth filled the heartbond. I smiled in the dim light shining through the windowpanes and surrendered to sleep.
Knocking woke me when the pinks of sunrise still tinted the sky. I groaned and rolled out of bed. With my sword in hand, I stumbled to the door.
“Who’s there?”
“Sajen,” called a familiar voice.
I wrenched open the door and blinked at the burly gryphoni. “Sajen?”
“Is Kyrundar awake? I can sense this line of ice is enchanted, but I don’t know if that means it’s going to attack me if I cross it.”
I looked over my shoulder. Kyrundar sat up and rubbed his eyes as he shook his head. I motioned Sajen inside.
“I wouldn’t use a dangerous enchantment inside a Haven,” Kyrundar said through a yawn. “That would be irresponsible.”
“Glad you got some sense in your head since your early years at Harcos,” Sajen quipped.
Kyrundar laughed and joined us in the middle of the room. “How did you know we were here?”
Sajen nodded to his right. “I’m in the room next door. Was sleeping lightly and heard someone come in and smelled shifter and elf, so I listened in long enough to determine it was you two.” He crossed his arms and donned the stern expression of a suspicious instructor. “I have questions about what I overheard.”
Kyrundar turned pink to the tips of his pointed ears, and my face felt like I’d sat far too close to a bonfire.
“We haven’t broken our vows,” I said in a rush at the same time as Kyrundar protested, “There’s no rules against flirting!”
Sajen’s eyebrows climbed, and his mouth pulled to the side in a poorly disguised smile. “Mmmhmmm.”
“Why are you here?” I asked, desperate to change the subject.
“Why are you both blushing like newlyweds?”
“We only kissed, all right?” Kyrundar exclaimed. “That’s not against our vows.”
“Once,” I added, as if that somehow made it better. There may have been more than one kiss, but it was only one instance.
Kyrundar eyed me like he was worried that was a declaration I wouldn’t kiss him again. Perhaps I shouldn’t.
Sajen’s too-intelligent eyes moved slowly between us. “Interesting,” he murmured. Then he lightly shook his head. “I arrived the night before last and have been waiting for you. You said in your letter you were headed north to charter a ship along the Glacorian coast, so I hoped I could catch you in Gamnica.”
Jealousy that Sajen had made the journey so quickly stirred up my dragon fire, but I quenched it. My inability to shift wasn’t Sajen’s fault, and he hadn’t meant any unkindness by his comment. Besides, we’d have been faster if we hadn’t gone to Ravensburgh first and hadn’t been dealing with assassins.
“You found something, then?” I asked.
Sajen’s mouth thinned with displeasure. “Yes. Potentially bad news. The description of your original attackers eventually led me to an inn, but I lost their trail for a couple of days—until a servant boy recounted a conversation he’d overheard. ”
Nervous energy built in my stomach. Could this be the lead I’d been looking for?
“I noticed the lad watching and following me, and I finally caught him. The boy was terrified—and with what he heard, who wouldn’t be?” Sajen shook his head, his expression heavy. “His conscience drove him to tell a rengir, but it still took a lot of coaxing to convince him it was safe to tell me. He’d seen a couple of your attackers meeting with a cloaked woman, all armed to the teeth. The woman said their orders were to kill Eilmaris, and Ilifir if he got in the way, but she would go ask their archon what to do about Rouven and the risk to the league if a rengir found him before they did.”
I gaped at the gryphoni. No wonder the poor boy had been frightened after encountering such brazen violence and disregard for all things holy. That wasn’t what truly mattered, though. “You’re saying Gautindar Rouven is also an enemy of the league?”
Kyrundar made a disgruntled sound. “Or a former member. How do we know we can trust him? If he realizes killing you might place him back in the league’s good graces—”
“We don’t know that.” My fingers twitched at my sides. “And we don’t have another option for removing the curse.”
“For all we know, Rouven designed this ice curse,” Kyrundar muttered.
“We also don’t have any evidence he did,” I said firmly. “Assuming we can find him, we won’t mention the league until after the curse is destroyed. He won’t know they’re after me until I’m back at full strength. ”
Kyrundar’s jaw tightened, but he nodded.
“That’s why I had to try to catch you before you boarded a ship and it became harder to find you, despite the precious little information I found,” Sajen said. “Whether Rouven has always been the league’s enemy or is a deserter, it’s best to be on guard. That’s the reason I came in person instead of sending a message. I’m going with you. You’ve been attacked twice—”
“Three times,” Kyrundar said. “A night elf tried to smother her the night before last.”
Sajen swore under his breath. “Even the Order has only three night elves out of three hundred members. I’m definitely accompanying you.”
I pursed my lips. “We’ve handled it so far, and I don’t want to make you a target as well—”
“To the contrary. They could be targeting you because you’re the only threat to their existence. If more people know what you know, the number of targets becomes unmanageable and more likely to draw attention they clearly wish to avoid.” He glanced between us meaningfully. “Unless there’s any reason you wouldn’t want me along…?”
My blush returned, but I shook my head. “No, I see your point.”
“You’re welcome to join us,” Kyrundar added.
“Good.” Sajen grinned. “What’s your plan for finding Rouven?”
“Asking around to find deliveries of Nyksian mead to a Glacorian inlet.”
Sajen blinked. “That’s it? ”
I nodded, unwilling to admit aloud we had no better ideas.
“Then you two should get dressed and we should start searching.” He left, closing the door behind him.
The mention of you two reminded me that Sajen knew we’d kissed, and I didn’t want to deal with my feelings about that right now. I avoided looking at Kyrundar while I grabbed my things and changed behind the screen. When we emerged into the hallway, Sajen was waiting with his war hammer hanging from his hip. We headed outside, but Sajen stopped just past the front door.
“Let’s split up. Kyr, why don’t you ask around in the city center. Zidra and I will go to Klavon’s Port and talk to the sailors and dockworkers. We can meet back at the Haven to discuss our findings.”
I wasn’t certain if I was more relieved or panicked at the prospect of going with Sajen.
Kyrundar shook his head. “I should—”
But Sajen held up his hand. “Truthfully, I need to talk to Zee about something we discussed before you two left Laedresh.”
My mouth went dry. I wasn’t sure what Sajen wanted, but it definitely had something to do with Kyrundar, and I didn’t want to talk about him. Us.
The troublesome ice elf in question looked between Sajen and me. “I’ll see you soon, then.” He hesitated before he struck off toward the city center.
Sajen started in the opposite direction. “Shall we?”
Feeling like I was back at Harcos and about to get scolded, I fell into step beside Sajen. How fitting that now, as at the Academy, I was only in this situation because of Kyrundar.
Gravel crunched beneath our boots, and the cry of a seagull carried over the rhythmic crash of the waves on the nearby rocks. The briny air off the sea had a cold edge that nipped at my ears and nose.
After several heartbeats of nerve-wracking silence, Sajen said, “So. Kissing.”
I wanted to bury my face in my hands, but I forced myself to keep walking with my arms loosely at my sides. A dozen responses tangled in my mind, but my mouth felt too dry to speak.
A triumphant grin crinkled his face. “It’s about time.”
“What?” I squeaked.
“First, of course, I’m delighted that you’re accepting more help and that the two of you are working together through everything you’re facing. More importantly, I’d hoped this would be the result of you two being forced to spend days together.” His knowing smile grew. “If gambling weren’t against our vows, the instructors at Harcos would have been placing bets on when you two would get engaged.”
My jaw fell. “That’s—what? Ridiculous! And we’re not! That kiss was probably a mistake, and—”
“A mistake?” Sajen stopped but was forced to catch up to me when I kept walking. “Why?”
I took a fortifying breath and released it slowly. “Kyrundar distracting me is part of why I’m in this situation at all.” I motioned to the bandage on my arm. “Sort of. I don’t really blame him anymore, and without him I wouldn’t have any idea where to look for Rouven. More importantly, I’d be dead several times over. He’s as honest and genuinely kind as he appears.”
Sajen bumped his arm against mine. “That sounds more like an argument for a relationship than against one.”
“There are more reasons.” I kicked a stone out of the gravel path. “I don’t know if I can release all my past hurt from his behavior, even if I was wrong.”
He cocked his head. “What do you mean by wrong?”
“Well… I resented him, but I’ve learned I misunderstood him. He isn’t using me for glory or pitying me for being a wyveri rengir. I was hurt by a situation that existed only in my mind, I suppose.” Said aloud, that sounded ridiculous even to me.
“Changing your emotions can be difficult, even once you realize they were based on a false reality.”
That made me sound like a petulant child. “I did forgive him. I’m not holding my own stupidity against him.”
Sajen nodded. “All right. Good.”
I felt like I’d been tricked into discarding an argument against a relationship, but I wasn’t upset about it. Still, I rushed to the next problem.
“He’s an elf. If I wed an elf, my father will feel hurt, and my mother might decide that’s the final straw and disown me.”
“Why under Iskyr’s great sky would they do that?”
As we left the coast and entered the noisy streets of the shipping district, I stepped closer to Sajen so I wouldn’t have to shout. “Wyveri have suffered so much and tried so hard to distance ourselves from the actions of our ancient king that many wyveri see marrying an outsider as a sign you’re ashamed of your own people. They think it makes wyveri look undesirable if we don’t want to marry our own kind.”
Ironically, I’d discovered that this attitude only made wyveri look more suspicious to the other peoples of the empire.
“Even wyveri who do intermarry usually pick another shifter. An elf?” I stepped around a mud-filled pothole and dodged a boy pushing a wheelbarrow full of fish. “Forget ever introducing Kyr to my family.”
“That would be hard,” Sajen acknowledged softly. “Is that all?”
“Isn’t that enough?”
“Is it?”
A group of sailors loitering on a street corner watched us pass. I was wearing trousers and a knee-length tunic today—in dark red, which Kyrundar had definitely noticed—without my armor, but I still had my insignia pinned on my chest and my sword at my hip. The sailors’ gazes roved over our weapons and insignias before they turned away. The shouts of dockhands and the stench of fish pressed against me.
I nibbled on my lower lip, wishing we were somewhere less chaotic where I could think. Yet I didn’t really need to think about it. In my heart, my reasoning rang hollow. I had disappointed my family and clan the moment I took my vows. It wasn’t as if I visited the Islands anymore now that I was in the Order. I couldn’t fall much further in wyveri regard.
But I had a chance to improve my standing if I turned my back on Kyrundar.
Sajen already knew how I felt about the Merit ceremony and why I hated accepting help. What did it matter if I told him the truth?
Glimpsing the docks, I turned down a side street. “If I marry him, I can forget about ever outrunning the Kyrmaris moniker or proving my value. I’ll lose any chance of impressing my mother and convincing my people that I am meant to be a rengir. How can I abandon everything I’ve worked so hard for?”
“Hmmm.” Sajen didn’t speak until we reached the end of the street and started walking down the dock toward sailors loading crates onto a ship. But instead of approaching the ship officer barking orders to the crew, Sajen marched past them to the end of the dock. He rested his crossed forearms on top of a piling and gazed out across the Aizurgon Sea.
I hesitated, looking between my friend and the ship’s mate, wondering if I should start interviewing sailors by myself. Instead, I stepped up to Sajen’s side.
He nodded slowly, his gaze unfocused. “I see your predicament. On the one hand, you can part ways with Kyrundar for the uncertain possibility that you might do something grand enough to silence the voices of doubt, perhaps get a second Emperor’s Merit all by yourself, and win the admiration of every person in the empire, the acceptance of your clan, and the begrudging love of a mother you shouldn’t need to impress. On the other hand, you can enter a relationship with a sometimes irritating and overly casual ice elf you work well with and like and who loves, accepts, and admires you as you already are.”
Words failed me. I stared at Sajen, torn between wanting to yell, stomp away, or break down in tears. Yet I could formulate no coherent response to shout at him. Storming off would hardly be the action of a respectable rengir. And I hadn’t cried in front of another person since I was a child.
“Unless you don’t like him,” Sajen said with a noncommittal shrug. “But then we wouldn’t be having this conversation, would we?”
No, we would not.
“Give it some thought and ask Iskyr for guidance.” He straightened. “Shall we split up to investigate? With Kyr’s people skills, he’s probably already learned something useful. If we take too long to return to the Haven, he may worry something has happened.”
I waved dismissively. “He’ll just check the bond and…” Realizing what I’d accidentally revealed, I trailed off.
Sajen’s eyebrows arched toward his hairline. “Surely you don’t mean a heartbond?”
“Yes,” I said, my voice so choked the word was scarcely audible.
“You’re not married?” he said, somehow both a statement and a question .
I groaned. “It was a side effect of Kyr using his magic to pull the ice curse back through my body and contain it to the puncture site. Unwanted, unintentional, and…”
“Not as unwelcome as you expected it to be?” Sajen laughed and turned his face toward the pale-blue sky. “Ah, Iskyr. Knew it would take more than a small nudge to get through to these two, eh?” Still laughing, he turned back toward the bustling dock. “Come on, Zidra. Let’s go search for the hermit who hopefully holds the answers you need.”