Chapter 4
4
IVY
I’m debating between stripping down and bending over the edge of the bed and dropping to my knees again and begging for forgiveness.
I’m damp between my legs, my nipples tight and sore. I managed to slip some pads into the ultra-thin material of my nursing bra before I soaked my entire front, so at least there’s that.
At first, I thought Niko was so disgusted by my leaking breasts that he didn’t want to be in the same room as me anymore. That’s a fear I’ve always had. He’s never given me reason to feed into it, though. Not until today.
If I hadn’t been so guilty about shutting him out, I would have pumped for half an hour just to be safe and waited until I wasn’t so tightly strung to approach him. Now, I’m glad my stomach was in knots.
When I approached the bathroom, I wasn’t expecting to find him with his dick in his hand, about to come. It was the best surprise I’ve had in a while.
Arousal has been hard for me. Yes, I’ve felt it. Constantly, really, considering who the father of my daughter is. Niko and all his tall, bulky, grumpy glory make it impossible not to get turned on in the blink of an eye.
It’s been me that’s the problem.
“The beddin’ was just washed two weeks ago. The whole place was scrubbed for us,” Niko says while leaning against the dresser, attention fixated on me.
I perch on the edge of the mattress across from him and ignore the bite of the wooden bed frame against my thighs. It’s a nice room. Dark and warm with wooden furniture and thick bedding. Everything here is in typical cabin fashion.
“You planned quite a few things for this trip,” I note, impressed but not surprised.
“It was important.”
Emotion clogs my throat as I press my lips together and nod. The burn behind my eyes is enough to have me lifting a hand to cover them.
“I’m so sorry, Niko.”
Even without looking, I know he’s moved to crouch in front of me. Two large, warm hands cup my knees, thumbs brushing the undersides. His comfort intensifies my guilt and anger with my behaviour.
“I don’t want you to apologize. I just want to know what to do to fix this.”
“You didn’t do anything that you need to fix. I’m the one who needs fixing,” I croak, rubbing the heels of my hands into my eyes. “I’m not sexy anymore. Having Junie has changed me, and I just don’t know how to get back to who I was before her.”
“What are you talkin’ about?” he asks gently, gliding his hands up to rub my thighs. “Not sexy? Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me?”
I drop my hands to lay over his and meet his gaze. The strength of the desire I find in the deep brown is . . . it’s incredible. It turns me inside out and upside down before I find the proper footing again.
“You don’t see it? The extra rolls on my stomach and flab on my arms? My thighs have nearly as many stretch marks as my belly does now, and my ass? God, what happened to my ass, Niko? It’s ruined!”
I’ve spent too many hours in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror and wishing I could go back in time. I always knew I was a bigger girl, but now that I’ve gained more weight than I had a year ago, I’d do anything to be in my old body again.
It was easy to take it for granted when I wasn’t happy with how I used to look. I never thought I would be where I am now, so why would I have thought any differently?
Niko fell in love with the woman I was before we had Junie. Now, my tits are bigger and far saggier, and the figure I had and wished could have been more defined is just plain round. Everything I took for granted and despised is gone.
“Is that why you’ve been so closed off? Because of the way you see yourself now? Not somethin’ I did or said?” Niko asks, keeping his tone tender.
“Yes. But why does that matter to you so much whether you were the cause of all this or not?”
He shakes his head, disbelief flaring in his stare. The steady hands on my thighs keep shifting upward until they’re pushing them open, creating a large opening for him to shift between.
“Because now I know where to start,” he murmurs.
Before I can blink, he has me in his arms. I gasp, scrambling to wrap my legs around his waist in case he loses hold of me. If I go, he’s coming right down with me.
His chuckle is low and dirty in my ear. “If you’d have let me, I would never have stopped worshipin’ your body.”
“But you did,” I whisper.
The arms around me strain, but not from my weight. Niko sucks in a breath and rubs our cheeks together. I latch onto him tighter, tears wetting my lashes.
“None of how I’m feeling is your fault, Niko. This is all just so heavy. I feel like I’m not even myself sometimes. Like I’m in a body that isn’t mine.”
“You’ve been needin’ me. Needin’ support that I wasn’t offerin’. That is my fault.”
“How can you give support for something you don’t know about?”
He buries his face in my throat and releases a shaky exhale. “You’re still you, Ivy. Still the woman I fell in love with when I probably shouldn’t have. God knows I’ve made a million mistakes in my life, but bein’ with you? That’s the only thing I’ve ever fuckin’ done right.”
Every insecurity and negative thought comes rushing forward, clogging my mind. I speak the first that twists my tongue.
“When you look at me, what do you see?”
He moves us around to the side of the bed before laying me down on the mattress. I hold my breath as he climbs on top of me and takes my face in his hands, holding me like I’m the last flower of its kind and he’s scared of my petals falling.
“I see the woman I love. An incredible mother but also the one person who can see me for who I am despite my every attempt to avoid lettin’ people in. You’ve got a smartass mouth, a sense of humour I crave on my darkest days, and a protectiveness that borders on feral. You’re beautiful and fuckin’ sexy as hell.”
He presses his thumb into my lip, eyes heating. “I take one look at you and get hard. Doesn’t matter if you’ve just gotten out of bed in the mornin’ after bein’ up for hours with Junie or if you’ve just gotten ready for work. You have a lock around me and my cock, angel. The key is yours.”
My pulse thrashes beneath my skin, eyes drooping shut as the weight of his words runs over the length of my body. I burn between my legs and deep in my belly as his eyes fall to my mouth, watching as I pull open my lips and suck his thumb inside.
His chest shakes with a barely restrained groan. “I’m hardly hangin’ on, Ivy. Let me finish worshipin’ you before I disrespect you.”
I suck harder on his finger. He shuts his eyes and wets his lips, huffing a breath. His hands leave my face, moving to palm my belly instead. I swallow to keep from telling him not to touch me there.
“I want you naked, angel. Nothin’ between us when I convince you how beautiful you are.”
My breasts heave in my bra as I struggle for breath. I’m leaking, but I pumped in the truck. I shouldn’t need to again quite yet. That doesn’t stop me from trying to cover my chest the moment he works my shirt and bra off.
“Let me see you, Ivy,” he rasps, covering my hands with his.
Our eyes hold as I nod and slowly release my breasts. Niko keeps his eyes on mine for a beat later before dipping them to my bare chest. The complete rapture in his expression yanks a moan from my throat.
“You have no fuckin’ reason to be self-conscious of these tits, angel. I’m about to blow just starin’ at them. So soft . . .”
He palms them, pushing both together until my nipples run side by side. His mouth dips, bathing my sensitive tips with hot breath.
“Niko—” I blurt out, alarm building in anticipation of what he’s about to do. “I’m leaking.”
“That supposed to mean somethin’ to me?”
“Don’t. Not yet.”
His brow lifts, tongue dragging a hot line an inch from my nipple. “Fine. But I’m comin’ back for them, Ivy. I’m done with you hidin’ my favourite things from me.”
I thread my fingers in his hair and guide his head toward my stomach as he crawls down my body to nestle between my legs.
If he so much as licks my nipple, I’m going to lose it. I don’t know what will happen, but if I start leaking too much, I’ll ruin this moment. If that happens, I won’t have the confidence in me to try again.
“You’d take my tits over what’s between my legs?” I ask.
“I’ll take both.”
“Start with one.”
Callused fingers tug at my leggings and peel them off, leaving me in only a pair of black cotton panties. If he weren’t kneeling between my legs, I’d try and close them just so he couldn’t see how plain and boring I’ve become. While I was never the type of girl to always wear lingerie, I would have put on my best panties and a matching bra, knowing that I was coming on a romantic trip with my boyfriend.
I gasp and push up on my elbows to watch him when he lays on his stomach, face moving to press against my centre. The position burns my abdomen the longer I hold it. I push forward, needing to?—
Dark brown eyes flash up before he’s bunching my panties in a fist and yanking them up. The fabric cuts through my pussy, forcing my lips apart.
He groans, swiping at both sides with his tongue before sucking at the soiled panties nestled between them.
“Don’t care what you wear. This is still the prettiest cunt I’ve ever seen. And she’s lonely, isn’t she? Feelin’ a bit unloved,” he mutters, strengthening his sucking.
There’s no point in lying.
“Yes,” I whine, forcing my arms to remain at my sides instead of hiding my stomach.
“I’m sorry.” He twists my panties once, increasing the bite in my pussy. His tongue runs up the bunched material, and I’m so sensitive that the light contact makes me jerk. “I’ll make it better.”
The relief that comes once he releases my panties is instant. He works them down my thighs, leaving them hanging from my ankle before bringing his mouth back between my legs.
Stars flash behind my eyes at the first soft lick over my clit. My arms give out, and suddenly, I’m staring at the ceiling.
“Missed tastin’ this angel pussy. So wet and smooth. Mine .”
It’s been so, so long since we’ve done this. I lift my hips in search of more, the pleasure he’s giving short-circuiting my brain. He flicks my swollen clit before sucking it between his lips and shoving my thigh up, spreading me further. The second thigh is moved next, pressing my knees into my belly.
I’m completely exposed now as he feasts on me like a man kept from his favourite food for the last ten years of his life. Niko’s enthusiasm is obvious with every groan and grunt that brushes my skin. He lowers his mouth to my entrance and dips his tongue inside of me, scooping my arousal into his mouth.
It’s impossible to hide from him now. And the further he drives me to an orgasm, the less I want to. This is what we’ve been missing in our relationship. I was torturing the both of us by denying us this pleasure.
Clenching around his tongue, I release a startled cry as release crashes into me. Niko doesn’t slow his movements as I ride my orgasm. If anything, he speeds up.
I hold him in place, sensitive but not enough to push him away. Maybe it’s the fact we haven’t been here in too long, but I need more.
“Fuck me, Niko. Please,” I whimper, tugging at him to try and pull him up my body.
In a flash, he’s on his back beneath me. I stabilize myself with two hands on his shoulders and stare down at him.
“I’m not goin’ to fuck you, Ivy. You’re goin’ to fuck me.”