Chapter 14 Cayden
Cayden
My mom’s arms closed around me, and for one fleeting moment, I was six again, safe in her love, small in her world. Someone’s hand rested on my foot while another pressed to my calf.
The moment vanished.
When the Prophet chose me, I followed, mastering what he knew, leaping when he said jump, doubling my work, all in his name. Through it all, my mother’s proud gaze followed me, prayers to the Sun God rolling from her lips as naturally as breathing.
More hands reached for me—siblings shaped by the same man who stole our sense of self. Anguish tore me apart.
I pulled back from my mother and gazed into her eyes. Unconditional love looked back at me. My mind swam with questions, but each one had the same answer.
My mom loved her life. Even knowing she’d been manipulated, she would still claim her choices as her own. That was who she was, and I couldn’t shatter it.
I hadn’t wanted to come back. Now that I had, every buried feeling split me open all over again.
I cried with my family. Good or bad, we’d lost our father.
Our very faith quaked. I reached down and brushed their hands before picking my way through my people, making sure I touched each and every one.
My steps brought me back to Alexander, the Architect.
Right or not, my family needed someone. The Prophet was gone, leaving a void that screamed for a guide.
“This.” My voice carried loud and echoed off the whitewashed buildings. “Is the Architect.”
Xan turned at the sound of his title.
“The Architect,” I continued. “Will lead us. He’s a true Prophet, not one of our Sun God, but one who will show us the way to personal salvation. He is the light.”
“We walk in the light.” My family responded in unison.
Our combined voices sent shivers down my back. How many times had I heard us respond as one and not realized how odd it was?
The blood drained out of Xan’s face. He froze, and the corners of his mouth pinched.
I needed him.
My family needed him.
He couldn’t abandon us.
I sank to my knees. “Guide us, Prophet, for we are in need.”
I heard the rustle of cloth as my family bowed, showing their servitude. I didn’t take my eyes off Xan, the Architect, who’d given me task after task until I found my voice again, even though that same voice spoke against him.
I didn’t know if I hated him or worshiped him—only that he’d protect my family, if only because he didn’t want to.
The corner of my mouth flicked up. This had to make him uncomfortable on a level I couldn’t comprehend, and for some reason, I liked that.
Ezra, Xan’s constant support, slid to his partner's side and put a hand on his lower back. Xan took two deep breaths and stepped forward. He offered me a hand, which I took, still keeping my head respectfully lowered.
“Don’t expect me to bow to you again,” I said quietly.
“Noted,” Xan murmured.
And still, part of me longed to bow, the chains of a lifetime biting deep.
He addressed my family: “I’m not a prophet. But I do have a family who would welcome you with open arms. We have the space for you to stay together or not, if you prefer. The world’s much bigger than this compound.”
“What if we want to stay?” someone called out.
“You can stay.” Xan held an arm out. “But I do not have the people to defend your walls. Once I leave, you are on your own.”
“Cayden will protect us,” another voice called.
I shook my head. “I cannot. I am one man, and I follow the Architect.”
I couldn’t see Xan’s face, and he was too good an actor actually to do it, but I could feel his eyes roll with my words.
The truth was, I didn’t know if I meant it.
I’d never blindly follow again. But Xan’s mistakes, putting his people above everything, even Quinn, made me hate him and love him at once.
‘Fuck. Emotions are a mess without someone dictating what to feel.’ I couldn’t stop the thought from slipping to Rowan.
‘You’re either mad or a genius, Cay. Feel whatever you need to feel,’ Rowan sent back.
I didn’t know if I should smirk, cry, or jump into my enemy-turned-friend's arms like Quinn liked to.
“Do you suggest we follow the Architect?” the original voice asked.
I focused on my actions and pushed aside the turmoil scattering my very soul.
“Yes,” I said, knowing a straight answer was what my family needed, even though Xan would never give them one.
“The world’s so much more than even I thought, and I’ve barely scratched the surface.
” I patted my chest. “The Sun God walks in our hearts. The Architect will keep us safe while we find our path. It’s what he’s doing for me. ”
Xan gestured with his hand, and my family’s attention went back to him as he showered them with information and acceptance I couldn’t give myself.
Quinn came up to my side. I laced our fingers together before pulling her close. Her hands were ice. She’d been standing with Everly, apart from us, and the cold clung to her skin.
I tried to glare at Rowan, only to find him busy directing his fellow enforcers. Guilt ate at my gut. She shouldn’t have let us collar her, but if we’d done anything else, an unknown would still have access to her mind.
Quinn needed me, and I needed her. My anchor, my reason. I kissed her forehead, breathed in rain and honey over soap, and let her strength steady me. Quinn was everything. I lived in her light.
“Who’s that staring at you?” Quinn whispered.
I didn’t want to look away from her. With her sparkling hair, she almost glowed against the darkness and flickering green lights.
It took me way too long to turn back to my family, but I finally did.
Many looked at me, but only one gaze seared: Aludena’s.
Sunken eyes, dark hair in a heavy braid, despite everything, she sat with her back straight and hands folded.
A woman with greenish-tan hair and hawk-like features, who looked nothing like the rest of the family, sat next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder, whispering something in her ear.
“That’s my sister.” I swallowed hard. I wanted to say more, but my tongue stuck in my throat. Shame burned so deep I wanted to scrub my skin raw and rip off my dick.
“It’s okay, Cay, breathe.” Quinn rubbed my back, and I held onto her like the lifeline she was.
My mother joined us, offering Xan full use of the Prophet’s office.
Xan refused and instead set up a little area in the building we used as a school.
I didn’t want to sit with him as he talked to each of my family members individually, but my mom did.
Everly also volunteered. Despite my endless rivalry with the Grierson, having her there eased my guilt.
Only a fraction of my family remained, less than thirty.
I found myself standing with Quinn at my side as a greeter before anyone went into the building.
The night grew late fast. Two young women came through, herding a group of kids too young to start training.
With a start, I realized two of the kids were mine, but I honestly didn’t know which two.
The Prophet’s scriptures raised them under the Sun God’s guidance. Fathers were not necessary.
“Cayden,” Emily smiled at me. “I’m glad to see you again.”
I inclined my head. Emily was one of their mothers.
She’d only needed my services twice to get pregnant, and once her baby was born, the Sun God claimed him.
But that’s not how the world viewed any of this.
Did I need to take responsibility for my sons now?
I didn’t even know them. How would I do that with no home, or money, or anything to offer them?
Quinn elbowed me.
“Ah, I’m glad to see you too,” I managed to pull out of my panic.
Emily beamed. “Will the Prophet, um, the Architect, let us continue the nursery?”
“If that is what you want, I’m sure it’s what he wants,” I said. “May you walk in the light.”
Emily beamed again and herded the kids inside.
Emily was my cousin. My stomach turned. This wasn’t who I wanted to be anymore. I stumbled to the far side of the building and dropped to my knees, dry heaving.
Quinn wrapped me in her arms. Under a blanket of darkness, I told her everything—every detail I knew no one wanted to hear. I needed someone to understand. This incredible woman held me and rocked me as my skin crawled.
I was a product of incest. So were my kids. My daughter came out wrong because her mother was my sister. I’d helped expand the family, even strengthened the walls that trapped us. Worst of all, the memories felt good. How could I live with myself, knowing the evil yet remembering it as righteous?
At some point, a large body that could only be Rowan joined us, sandwiching Quinn in warmth. He passed me a bottle, and I took a drink.
Slightly chilled and perfectly balanced red wine hit my taste buds. “This is a Chateau Margaux. It’s worth a fortune.”
Rowan grunted and took the bottle back, taking a swing. “Tastes like wine to me.”
I sighed.
“No one understands what you’re going through except your family,” Quinn said quietly.
“But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy or that you have to stay close.
I don’t know Cayden. I’m not sure I could have left my dad, but waking up here meant I never had to make that choice.
But I’d like to believe that once he knew I was safe, he lived the rest of his life for himself. I wanted him to be happy.”
Rowan pulled our girl in for a side hug before nudging her with the bottle. “We’ll find out what happened to your dad, Q-tip. I promise.”
Quinn passed the bottle back to me.
“It doesn’t have to be black and white, Cayden,” Rowan added. “I know at least twenty good men who’d take a woman with tykes attached. As much as stepping up to the plate sounds like the best thing, kids thrive in stability where they are loved.”
“You don’t think I could love a child?” My voice cracked, bitter and raw.
“No,” Rowan answered without hesitation.I jerked away from my friend.
“Not any with forest green hair anyway,” Rowan continued. “Not while you still flinch every time you see yourself in them.”
The words landed hard. My throat locked, and I looked away, jaw tightening as I bowed my head.
“I’ve never seen anyone as messed up as you, Cayden. You can’t even love yourself. If Quinn weren’t glued to your hip, I wouldn’t let you near her, and she’s fully grown.”
I took another gulp of wine before Quinn took it out of my hands.
“You won’t always be a mess,” Rowan said, settling back against the wall. “One day you’ll look at your kids and see people, not ghosts of everything that went wrong. That’s when it’ll click.”
He shrugged. “Angela and I? I didn’t love her. Not really. And whatever was between us would’ve poisoned a kid from the start. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have loved them, but love doesn’t thrive in bad soil.”
His mouth tilted. “You’re right, though. It’s messy. Feelings always are.”
I closed my eyes. For a brief moment, I wished for the simplicity of life under my Prophet's control. My stomach twisted, and the wish died on the vine.
Quinn rested her head on my shoulder.
“Once you at least don’t want to chop your testicles off for existing, maybe you can be in their lives as the fun uncle,” Rowan laughed. “Joe has one of those. He’s great. He once rolled an entire keg up The Mile and left it for us. Would’ve been baller as hell, except it turns out he stole it.”
I grunted, unsure if it was funny, but lighter for it anyway. My stomach gurgled unhappily. Drinking wine after vomiting was not treating it well.
“Let’s get some food.” Quinn stood and pulled on my arm. “I hear the family butchered an entire cow in honor of their new Prophet.”
Rowan chuckled darkly. “Xan’s never going to forgive you for this.”
“It was the only way to save my family.” I put my hand over Quinn’s, needing to feel her acceptance. She leaned down and kissed the top of my head, giving it to me.
Rowan reached down to my other arm, and my friends hauled me up.
“We know.” Rowan laughed. “Doesn’t make it any less funny.”
I clung to Quinn’s light, the only thing keeping me whole.