Chapter 13
TINLEY
Itried to keep the smile from taking over my whole face. I loved being good and brave for him. Maria asked me if I wanted to discuss other forms of birth control, but she said I didn’t have to decide right now.
“I’m so glad everything checked out okay.” Maria stood up. “If you feel up to it, we can spend a few minutes chatting before you go.”
“Yes. I’d like that.” I pulled my eyes away from Josh and his beautiful bright eyes and found Maria halfway down the hall.
“I’ll be right back.” I stood up but paused and looked back down.
“I’ll be right here.” Josh patted the couch.
I knew he wouldn’t leave me, but I needed to hear him say it again.
I had become so attached to him. I wanted him to come into the exam room with me, but it would have been weird.
It was unnatural for me to be so attached to him.
A stranger. A man, but I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t fair to him either.
I followed Maria into another office. I felt more comfortable than in the stark white exam room. It had a huge window looking into the office building across the street.
“Please have a seat wherever you’d like.” I spotted a beanbag chair in the corner and a small mat with a closed chest and some toys and books on a bookshelf painted in light pink and light blue. The rest of the office had warm beige furniture and dark stained shelves lining two other walls.
Maria went behind her desk and grabbed a folder and then met me back across the room.
“Do you work with a lot of children?” I pointed to the little play area.
“Actually, I work with little of all ages.” She emphasized the word little.
I gasped. Did she know? Did Josh tell her? He wouldn’t.
“Now, don’t be scared. No one told me. And I don’t know for sure, but I just wanted you to know this is a safe space for you, however you identify.” Maria sat on the floor. Her dress spread out around her. She leaned back against the chair.
She perched an iPad on her lap and waited.
I fell back into the beanbag chair because how else do you sit in a fluffy beanbag chair? It engulfed me and wrapped me in a hug. It rustled as I struggled to sit up.
“Now, first, while you are not required to speak to me about what happened to you, I would advise you to speak to someone. I am so proud of you for removing yourself from that situation.” She patted my knee.
I didn’t flinch away at her touch. “I’m sure you have had a lot of big emotions going on now and you are allowed to express them without repercussions.
It can be even more stressful with this newfound freedom when for so long you had to measure your actions to survive.
I want you to know whatever you feel whenever you feel it is okay. ”
I rocked back and forth in the chair and took in her words. She was spot-on. At times, the emotions feel like they will consume me, kind of like the chair, but where the chair feels like a great hug, emotional consumption left me feeling like nothing.
Maria wrote on her iPad with a pen. She arched an eyebrow and then put the pen down and looked at me.
“Did the little thing bother you?” she asked.
I shrugged and frowned.
“I assumed only because I am a little, too. Well, a middle. My little age is thirteen.” She twisted her fingers.
I picked at the seam of the beanbag.
“But right now, I’m not in little space.
I am an adult and a doctor with a real degree and everything.
” She pointed to the wall behind her desk.
“I met Kyler and Josh when I visited their club in Las Vegas about four years ago and then they called me to help the girls they rescued from a hotel here in New York a year later. So those are my credentials.”
She picked up her iPad and scribbled on it.
“What club?” I asked. Can I have the tenders and mac and cheese?
She looked up.
“I thought they owned hotels.”
“They do.” She continued writing. “The club in Vegas, Quad IV, is a BDSM destination club.”
I blinked and stared at her.
“It’s a nice place. Super luxe. They host a littles week every year and hold a few little events every quarter.” Maria was doodling hearts on her iPad.
“Is it fun?”
“Oh, yeah. Lots of others in the lifestyle. Super vetted, so everyone feels safe.” She scribbled more.
“Do you have a Daddy?”
“A Mommy.” She looked over at the door. “Anna’s my Mommy.”
“Really?” I leaned forward. “She’s really nice.”
“Yep.” She set her iPad down and grabbed her phone.
She flipped through it and then gave it to me.
“That was from the last littles week in Vegas.” Dr. Anna stood behind Maria, who was dressed in a crisp white shirt tied at her waist and a red, black, and white pleated miniskirt.
She wore fishnet stockings and combat boots.
Dr. Anna wore a long black dress with a leather belt sitting on her hips.
Her hair was blown out, with big, wavy curls framing her face.
She had her arms wrapped around Dr. Maria’s waist. The next picture captured the joy on their faces as they playfully played tug-of-war with a belt.
They both looked so happy.
I burst into tears.
“OMG!” Maria scooted closer to me. “Oh dear. Tinley. What’s wrong?”
“The belt,” I whimpered. I dropped the phone and covered my face with my hands. “I-I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
“Oh, sweetie. It’s okay.” She rubbed my calf. “Can you tell me why the picture upset you so much?”
“One of the guys who… I was with.” My whole body shook. “He used a belt like that. But thicker. It had a braiding pattern on the end like that one and it…” I hiccupped. “I-it really hurt.”
I rubbed the spot on my thigh where the belt caught. “It left the pattern on my legs and broke the skin.” I rubbed at the spot through my jeans.
“Oh, Tinley.”
“I keep thinking to myself. What kind of Daddy uses something that would leave a mark?” I huffed and sat up. I clasped my fingers together and set them on my lap.
“Had you been hit with a belt before?” Dr. Maria moved back and picked up her iPad.
“Oh yeah. I like impact play, and I earned quite a few spankings with my Daddy.” I rocked in the chair.
“You know… before. I even like the belt because of how careful my Daddy was when he used it. He always talked to me about it and told me that sometimes Daddies didn’t pick up on my cues and if I needed him to stop or if it hurt in a bad way, I was supposed to use my safe word and he would stop.
” Tears fell from my eyes. “I used my safe word, but it didn’t stop. That guy, he never stopped.”
“Tinley.” Dr. Maria frowned. “You know the man who didn’t respect your safe word. Who wouldn’t stop.”
I wiped the tears away, but they continued to fall.
“You know he wasn’t a real Daddy, right?”
I blinked and the tears stopped.
“What do you mean?” I hugged my knees to my chest.
“It sounds like you had a great example of a Daddy in your life.” Dr. Maria’s sorrowful eyes made me sad. “He sounded wonderful, and I’m so sorry he was taken away from you.”
I looked off.
“But what you have to remember is Daddy isn’t a title, it’s an action.” She hugged her knees, mimicking my position. “Was your Daddy your Daddy because he spanked you?”
“No.”
“Right. So every man who asked to be called Daddy isn’t one and that’s why it’s so hard because you know the difference.
Your mind may have tried to justify his behavior because we do deal in domination and submission, sadism and masochism—you know.
It’s in the name.” Dr. Maria giggled. “But we also know that above all those letters, the most important is consent.”
I nodded because I didn’t have the words at the moment.
“And if you need another reminder of what a real Daddy is, you can look at Josh.” She dropped the skirt and pushed off the floor.
Josh was a Daddy, but he wasn’t my Daddy.
“What is your favorite color?” Dr. Maria stood up and brushed her dress down. She grabbed a box of tissues and waved it in front of my face.
I blinked.
“Wh-what?” I stammered and grabbed a tissue.
“Your favorite color?” She pulled a set of leather-bound books from the shelf.
“No, about Josh.” My heart raced. “I mean, he’s a Daddy, but…”
“Oh, no, I didn’t mean you should let Josh be your Daddy.” Dr. Maria sighed. “I just meant, if you needed a real-life reminder of one, he is as good as anyone. Color?”
“Purple.” I didn’t buy her explanation but didn’t push her on it either. I wasn’t ready to go down that road. Besides the obvious, Josh deserved a much better little than me.
She grabbed the purple book and handed it to me. Then she skipped over to her desk and pulled open a jar. She took out a few pens, came back over to the corner, and sat in the chair. She handed me a pen, a marker, and a highlighter. They were all purple.
“The belt in my picture is what I would call a trigger for you. Triggers instantly take us back to something awful or good associated with it. It can be a word, an object, a person, or a situation. While we know, it’s not the same, our brain can do some funny things with triggers.”
“Like burst into tears?” I wiped my nose. “It’s so crazy.”
“Yeah, the brain is a strange organ and really gross too.” Dr. Maria shivered.
I giggled. She held out her hand and helped me up.
I flipped through the book. The cream paper was lined with purple lines.
“When you come across any triggers, even if just in your mind, I want you to write it down. Write about what the situation or object brought to mind and how it made you feel.” She squeezed my shoulder. “This is just for you. You don’t have to share it with anyone unless you want to.”
She headed toward the door.
My feet wouldn’t move.
Dr. Maria stopped and twirled with a flourish, her skirt settling down around her.
“Can I meet with you again?” I stared at my shoes. “I mean, if you have time.”
“Of course.” Dr. Maria skipped back to stand in front of me. “I’d love it. We can schedule a session—”
“Oh, I’m sure you are expensive.” I couldn’t just use her because she was a friend of Josh’s. “I don’t have any money to pay you.”
“Hey, Tinley, don’t worry about that.” She placed a hand on my shoulder. Her warmth crawled down my arm. I liked being near her. “I don’t need to charge you right now. I would love to help, and I also like you and would like to be friends, and I don’t charge my friends.”
“Are you sure?” I flipped through my new journal. “You might get bored hearing about all my issues for free.”
“Bored!” Dr. Maria huffed. “My mother used to tell me all the time I was too nosy. I had to know everything. Well, now it’s a job requirement.
I get paid to be nosy and lucky for my patients, it’s illegal for me to gossip about it.
I get to keep all the secrets of others to myself.
It’s weird, but it’s my love language.” Dr. Maria curtseyed and grabbed my hand and led me out the door.
I shuffled behind her.
Josh remained on the couch facing Dr. Anna. She had her hand on his arm.
Heat flared in my face. Why was she touching him?
“You two finished up?” Dr. Anna stood.
Josh followed. His smile lit up his whole face and it was directed at me. It lessened my ire.
“Yep.” Dr. Maria bounced over to her Mommy.
“Are you okay?” Josh took my hand.
“Yes.” I nodded and squeezed his hand. He squeezed mine back.
Dr. Maria and Dr. Anna moved behind the desk and were talking to Josh. I picked up on bits and pieces but couldn’t concentrate. I stared at Josh. His thumb rubbed across my knuckles as he discussed something with the doctors.
“Tinley.” Dr. Maria handed me a card. “Here’s all my info, including my cell number. You can call or text me any time and we’ll schedule our next session for Friday morning at nine a.m. If you’re not in the city, we can do it on Zoom. Okay?”
I took the card and flipped it over. The appointment date was written on the back.
“You ready?” Josh tilted his head.
“Yes.” I nodded.
Josh dropped my hand but placed his on my lower back.
Where Dr. Maria’s touch was warm, Josh’s touch brought heat to certain parts of my body.
The session with Dr. Maria left me open, and all the emotions ran through me all at once.
Josh’s touch grounded me. Gave me something solid to hold on to, much like on the plane, and I grabbed onto it.
Being near Josh gave me a glimpse into the possibility that it will be okay. I would be okay.