Chapter 12
JOSH
Tinley shut down. She was in self-preservation mode. She didn’t agree to see the doctors, but she didn’t refuse either. I called that a win.
We landed and she shuffled out behind me. I opened her car door, and she slid into the passenger seat. She immediately buckled her own seat belt. I had gone too far with doing it on the plane. It was her little way of reclaiming some control. Or maybe her non-little way.
I was proud of her for feeling comfortable enough to do it.
We drove through the streets in silence.
The sun began to peek between the buildings from the east. I pulled next to the curb in front of a building with a green awning.
I shut off the car and turned to Tinley.
She already had her seat belt off and reached for the car door.
I jumped out and rounded the front of the car to meet her before she ran away.
She stood, waiting for me. Hands in the pockets of her hoodie.
The chill in the air made me shiver. I needed to get her a bigger coat.
I stepped toward the door and Tinley fell in step next to me.
I opened the door, and she shuffled in. I followed her and while side by side, she reached up and placed her hand in mine.
My whole body lit on fire. A simple gesture, but it made me feel better.
Selfishly, I wanted her to want me as much as I needed her.
My brave, beautiful girl.
I squeezed her hand, and we rode up the elevator to the tenth floor.
We stepped out into a dark hallway. The overhead fluorescent lights came on with a pop one by one as we made our way down the hall. A hint of florals filled the air. I smiled down at Tinley. She looked up, her lips a thin line. Her hand tensed as the door at the end opened.
“Josh.” Dr. Anna stood in the doorway, her dark hair pulled into a low ponytail. She pushed up the sleeves of her oversized pink sweater. Her dark gray slacks hit mid-ankle and showed off her socked feet. She stepped back. “Good morning.” She waved us in.
“Morning, Dr. Anna.” I attempted to drop my hand to shake Anna’s, but Tinley held on tight. “Thanks again for opening the office up so early for us.”
“Oh, sure, no problem.” She waved me off. “You must be Tinley.”
She reached out and touched Anna’s outstretched hand but quickly pulled it back when a noise from the back of the office made us all jump.
“I’m sorry.” She motioned for us to sit. “Give me just a couple of minutes and we’ll be all set.” She made her way to the back behind a tall reception desk. “Maria. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” A high-pitched voice and giggle came from down the hall.
Dr. Maria poked her head out and spotted us. “Oh. Hi, Josh. Long time.” She shuffled forward, her long dress trailing behind her. Her hair was a mess all over her head. She pushed back a loose curl and kneeled in front of Tinley.
“Dr. Maria.” I nodded.
She waved a hand at me.
“Hi, Tinley.” She sat cross-legged in front of us. “It’s great to meet you. I love your sneakers.”
“Thank you.” Tinley looked down at her own feet.
“So I thought I’d give you a little rundown of what’s going to happen this morning. If that’s okay?”
“I’d like that,” Tinley whispered and squeezed my hand before releasing it.
“Awesome.” She fished her phone out of a deep pocket in her billowy dress and tapped the screen.
“Dr. Anna will give you an exam. She’ll check to make sure you are in tip-top shape.
She’s going to ask you some uncomfortable questions, but anything you don’t want to answer, just tell her I’d rather not say at the moment. ”
“I’d rather not say at the moment?”
“Yep, just like that.” She scrolled up and then back on her phone. “Easy-peasy. Then she’ll take some blood and do some X-rays, and then you and I can have a little chat afterward. Okay?”
Dr. Maria lifted her head.
“Okay.” Tinley frowned and dropped her head.
“Hey, Tinley.” Dr. Maria sat up on her knees. “You are in a safe place. Nothing that happens or that you tell us will go beyond this office. We are here to make sure you are healthy and safe.”
Tinley nodded.
“Maria!” Dr. Anna’s head poked out from the back.
We all jumped.
“I’m all set.” She smiled and waved at the girls.
“Okay, let’s get started.” Maria stood and held out her hand. Tinley held it and stood. She still held mine with her other hand. When I didn’t stand, she looked back at me and realized before dropping it.
“Tinley.” I pointed to the couch. “I’ll be right out here the whole time. If you need me, just call out, okay?”
“Okay.” She nodded and tried to give me a smile.
That’s my brave girl.
She disappeared with Maria into the office. I sank back into the couch in the waiting room and tried to get my instincts in check.
The way she held her arm across her chest sometimes or the stiffness in her ankle when she sat for a long time made me think she might have older injuries.
She was used to pushing through. Her split lip had healed and the bump on her head disappeared, but she might have other injuries she didn’t know about.
What I imagined happened to her may be better than my imagination or worse.
I tried to stop myself from thinking too hard about it. I had to concentrate on Tinley.
My knee bounced. I stood up and paced the floor.
It had been a few days since I’d been in a room alone with my thoughts.
I took a step toward the closed office door but stopped and returned to the couch.
She was okay. She was in the best hands.
Both Anna and Maria worked with sex abuse survivors of all ages.
They were the best and nothing but the best for my little Tinley from here on out.
My Tinley.
“Fuck!” I dropped my head in my hands.
I couldn’t deny it. She was mine. Or I wanted her to be mine anyway.
Every part of her called to every part of me.
I had given Kyler a hard time about going so crazy over Rayna too quickly, but now I understood it.
Unexplainably connecting with someone who was better than you imagined made all the doubts leave my brain.
I had no plausible way to explain how I felt about Tinley. I knew she was for me.
The door opened. My head shot up so fast I gave myself whiplash.
“Hi, Josh.” Dr. Maria skipped in and plopped down on the chair opposite me. Her dress settled in around her. She was a middle in the lifestyle, but a psychiatrist by trade. She had an uncanny way of making people talk to her and tell them all their secrets. “You okay?”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “How’s Tinley?”
“She’s fine.” She leaned forward. “But I asked about you. How are you?”
“I’m fine.” I frowned and tried to relax to avoid the headache forming at the base of my brain. “I just need her to be okay.”
“She’s fine,” Dr. Maria sang. “She’s very strong and she’s a praise queen like me. You see that in her?”
“Yeah.” I smiled, picturing how her eyes brightened when I called her a good girl. Or the way she did something and waited for me to notice and tell her she did well. I would tell her she was a good girl every second of every day if it would help her forget the last two years of her life.
“OMG!”
I blinked, forgetting Dr. Maria was in the room.
“You like her.”
I stood up.
“You do,” Dr. Maria whispered and bounced to block my pacing. “That’s—”
“I know it’s wrong and a bad idea.” I held my hand to my mouth.
I wanted to punch myself or scream or bash my head against the wall to get these feelings out of my brain.
It couldn’t go anywhere right now, and it wasn’t what she needed.
I turned away from Dr. Maria. “You don’t have to tell me to back off and leave her alone.
A relationship with a guy like me is the last thing she needs. ”
“Oh, so you’ve assessed her and determined what’s best for her.”
I turned back toward her.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “I was going to say that’s wonderful.”
“What?” I scoffed. “How could it be wonderful?”
“I haven’t had a chance to speak with Tinley about what happened to her and she may not be ready to tell me today, but one thing all my patients have in common is they feel unlovable.”
My chest tightened. I rubbed it and flopped back in the chair. Not lovable. Tinley was the most lovable person I had ever met. She was bright and funny and courageous and silly and sassy and powerful. I could go on and on, but…
“You don’t think it’s inappropriate for me to pursue her?” I cringed at my use of words.
“Maybe not pursue.” Dr. Maria giggled. “But wooing her. Yeah, I think it would be good for both of you.”
“This isn’t about me, Maria.”
“Isn’t it?” She shrugged. “Especially now, seeing Kyler with Rayna. I bet your biological clock sounds like a time bomb in your brain.” Dr. Maria giggled.
I shook my head.
She flopped back in the chair and dug into those deep pockets again. She produced a candy, unwrapped it, and popped it in her mouth. “I’m sorry.” She fished it out of her mouth and held it out to me. “Want some?”
I chuckled and sat back down.
“No, I’m fine.” I rubbed my chin. I needed a shave.
“You look tired.” She swung her legs back and forth. “When’s the last time you slept?”
“What month is it?” I looked at my phone as a distraction from my own brain.
“Well, I have a prescription for you.” Maria pulled a prescription pad and pen out of her other pocket.
She scribbled and talked around the candy in her mouth.
“You need to get a good night’s sleep. A few of them and then you spend time with Tinley.
Just be consistent. Remind her every minute how amazing she is and let yourself feel everything it is you feel about her.
Nothing that happened to her prevents her from being loved. Remind her of that, too.”
“You are so wise for a little brat.” I laid my head back and closed my eyes.
“Yeah, I’ve heard that before.” Maria laughed and munched her candy.
The door to the doctor’s office opened with a creak. Dr. Anna stepped out and Tinley followed her. She looked less scared and lighter. I sat up. She came over and sat next to me.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded and then gestured toward Dr. Anna.
“So Tinley wanted me to give you a little assurance so you will stop worrying.” Dr. Anna sat in the chair next to Maria and tapped on an iPad she had on her lap.
“Physically, Tinley is fine. No signs of permanent damage. She had a broken rib that healed well and a broken wrist that was set properly and healed a few months ago. It’s understandable it still bothers her, but no lasting issues there.”
My heart sank.
“Her heart is fine. We did a CAT scan as well. I will have my radiologist review it, but I don’t suspect any issues. I drew some blood and will know more about any deficiencies. I am prescribing some supplements and vitamins. She needs to get her weight up. Eat,” she pointed at Tinley. She nodded.
“Uhm, we did a little procedure.”
Tinley rubbed the inside of her arm.
“She had an implant that we removed. So it will be irritated for a while. Make sure you wash it and put some antibiotic ointment, and it will be fine in a few days.”
“What kind of implant?”
The whole room looked up at me as if I had rabbit ears growing out of my head.
“Birth control implant,” Tinley whispered. “I don’t want anything of theirs in me anymore.”
I stared into her eyes. She searched my face, waiting for a response. This time I said out loud what I had been holding back in for a while.
“Brave girl.”