Chapter 12 Frost
FROST
“Ishould go for a ride,” I say to myself.
Hope and Amy left an hour ago, bundled up and buzzing about doing a Christmas shopping marathon, which to me sounded like pure torture. Hope kissed me twice before she walked out the door, while Amy pretended to gag. Not gonna lie, it’s been fun getting underneath that hellion’s skin.
Boredom is setting in, and for the last thirty minutes, I’ve debated with myself on what to do since Hope is going to be gone for what I assume is the entire day.
Glancing around Hope’s apartment, my mind wanders to how Thanksgiving went back in Truth or Consequences. I didn’t reach out to anyone and wish them a happy holiday, but spending the day with Hope and her family made me realize how much I miss Dad, Paige, and all my brothers.
I finish my coffee and clean up my mess before putting on my boots to go for that ride I desperately need to clear my head. As I grab my cut off the hook and push my arms through, my phone vibrates. I fish it out of my pocket and notice several messages flooding in.
“Speak of the devil,” I mumble.
Dad:Missed you yesterday. I know you need time but the toy drive starts next week, and the club could use you.
Chaos: Frost, we need you. The annual toy drive starts Monday. The kids count on us. It’s all hands on deck.
Paige: Hey big bro, need you to come home now. I know you’re sad and you miss mom but you’re not the only one who lost her. You left me here to pick up the pieces. I need you. Dad needs you. The club needs you.
I sit there staring at the messages until the screen goes dim.
Guilt claws its way through my chest, and a rock-hard knot forms in the pit of my stomach like a lead balloon.
How could I have forgotten the toy drive?
It’s the biggest event of the whole damn year that the club sponsors for our community and the surrounding area.
Mom started the charity ten years ago, and it flourished over time with everyone in town stepping up to donate.
Every December, she’d spend hours packing and wrapping toys with all the ladies in town and bossing everyone around like she was MC royalty.
Fuck, she was a damn queen.
She always had her clipboard in hand, marking off each child as she went. We spent the week before Christmas delivering all the toys so they’d be in the kids’ homes Christmas morning. It’s the one holiday tradition that still belongs to her.
You’ve been so caught up in yourself that you forgot about it. You’re letting her down.
Dad’s right, they need me back. Without Mom barking orders, it’s probably mass chaos.
I’m sure Paige is doing her best to fill Mom’s shoes, but they’re big ones to fill.
If I don’t go back, they’ll be shorthanded this year, and I’m one of the few who can run the logistics without it all turning to shit. I was always her right-hand man.
Thinking about going back and walking into the clubhouse without her there rips my soul in two.
My chest tightens like someone’s sitting on my ribs.
I rake a hand through my hair and lean forward, elbows on my knees.
Part of me wants to stay right here and pretend the outside world doesn’t exist, start a new life with Hope, and abandon my old one.
How do I start a new life, knowing I fucked up my old one?
I’m the son who disappeared after his mother died, leaving his dad and sister to deal with their grief alone. I’m the brother who stopped answering calls, the one who walked away when things got too heavy. I’ve got responsibilities, ones I’ve been avoiding for months.
I glance around Hope’s apartment, committing it to memory.
She left her blanket tossed over the back of the couch, her notebook open on the table, and her favorite coffee mug in the sink.
Hope deserves someone steady and whole, someone who can commit their whole heart to her without the weight of a broken family and a motorcycle club depending on him. Anyone would be better than me.
The thought hits hard, right in the gut. I know it’s bullshit, but that doesn’t stop it from settling in like it belongs there. What’ll happen when she realizes I’m not the man she thinks I am? It’s better if I step back before I make a mess of this or destroy her.
My phone buzzes again.
Dad: Let me know if you’re coming back so we can keep an eye out for you. We love you either way.
Swallowing hard, I shut my eyes. There’s no anger in his words, or guilt, just understanding, which somehow hurts worse.
Mind made up, I get up slowly and walk into the bedroom Hope and I have been sharing for the past couple of weeks.
Hope’s sweater is still draped over the foot of the bed.
I lift it, breathing in the scent of cinnamon and vanilla before hanging it over her chair.
Shuffling around the room, I start packing up my meager belongings and shoving them back into my go-bag.
Every item feels like it weighs ten pounds.
When I zip the bag, something in my chest caves in.
Taking one last look around her home, the one place where the noise in my head quieted down long enough for me to breathe, I sling my duffle over my shoulder and head toward the front door.
I think about writing her a note, but I’m not strong enough. What am I supposed to tell her?
Hope,
I’m sorry. Club needs me for the toy drive.
I’ll call you when I can.
Frost
No, it’s not good enough. I’ll text her once I get back home and explain what happened. Hopefully, she’ll forgive me for up and leaving without a word.
Walking out the door, I force myself not to look back because if I do, I won’t leave. I stuff my shit into my saddlebags and swing my leg over the seat of my bike. My Harley rumbles to life beneath me.
“Time to face it,” I mutter to myself.
The road stretches in front of me, empty and cold like my soul. I pull away quickly before the temptation to stay wins.