21. Devina
Fully caffeinated and having eaten too many donuts to be trying on this dress, I stand in front of the mirror taking myself in. The past few weeks have made an impact on how I view myself. Or perhaps I just completely trust that Ryder’s views of me are authentic and truthful. He likes me bare when he can see all of me. At least, what I allow to be seen.
The black satin hugs me in all the right places and is a beautiful contrast to my copper hair. My favorite feature.
“Are you ever coming out of there?” MaryClaire calls from the other side of the door. She hasn’t seen me yet, but I have already explained my insecurities. She didn’t freak out or ask me any invading questions, but you never know what someone’s reaction will be until you stand in front of them.
“Coming!” I reply and take a breath before stepping out into the shop.
“Vi! You look amazing!” I may not have known MaryClaire for more than a few hours, but she says what she means.
I’m embarrassed in the best way. “Do you think Ryder will like it?” I ask.
“Are you kidding? I haven’t met him, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be counting the minutes until he can get you home and rip it off. You are hot girl!” She fans herself.
So, this is what it feels like to have a friend.
“Well, I think this is ‘the one’. Which shoes do you think?” I slip on a few for a test drive.
“Definitely the rhinestones. You will be the bell of the ball, girl.”
“It’s not really a ball. It’s just a charity event.” I shake my head.
“This is your first time, right? It’s not just a charity event. Everyone who is anyone will be there. There are photographers and media. A-list celebrities swarm there for a photo and a chance to get recognized for their good deeds.” She rolls her eyes as she pulls a shawl off the rack and walks it over to me when she notices me looking at cropped jackets. “Being married to Ryder practically makes you royalty. Royalty doesn’t succumb to society’s standards. You are the standard Devina. I agree with Ryder. Don’t hide it.” Standing behind me in front of the mirror, she drapes the sheer fabric over my shoulders and stands back to admire the ensemble. I do feel like a princess going to a ball.
“Have you ever attended?” I ask, slipping the shoes off and stepping back behind the curtain to change.
“No, but my boyfriend will be going. We just started dating so I don’t expect an invitation,” She shrugs.
“Oh, what does your boyfriend do?”
“Ivan does something with art. Trading, I think? He sets up auctions and runs them if they are here in the States.” We finished checking out and MaryClaire gave me all the juicy details about her and Ivan’s whirlwind romance. If only she knew, I couldn’t relate more.
“He sounds like a great guy. I’m glad you two found each other.”
“We totally have to double date some time!” She jumps up and down at her bright idea. “I know Ryder is busy, but you need to make more friends. I’m sure living somewhere new is lonely if you don’t know anyone.”
“Well, I know you, so I think I’m good for now,” I assure her. The last thing I want is to meet more people who will feel obligated to attend my funeral.
We pass a few more shops before I get a buzz from my burner phone and remember it’s time to meet Taylor. Parting ways, I head toward a boutique. A message from Taylor comes through.
Taylor: Turn left. Fitting room.
I enter the shop and grab a shirt, heading towards the back. He’s waiting near a rack, and it takes every ounce of me not to wrap my arms around him.
“Hey, sis. Married life seems to be treating you well. You’re glowing,” he teases.
I don’t know how to tell him I’m slowly but surely falling for my husband. “It’s not horrible,” I admit.
“Well, here is the detonator.” He slips me a keychain. A Hello Kitty keychain.
“Really? You couldn’t have put it in something … less juvenile?” I scoff.
“Hey, you used to love Hello Kitty,” He protests.
“Maybe when we were twelve.” I roll my eyes imagining him walking around with this thing all day. His looks rival Ryders. Tall, ebony hair, and sinfully beautiful eyes. But I’m pretty sure he used to pee in our pool, so there was never an appeal to love him more than I would a brother.
“Press the nose to set, press the middle of the bow twice to see the boom.” He smiles proudly. He should be proud. He’s the smartest person I know. “Make sure you are not in the building when you set it off. My guy is going in tomorrow to set up a big blast. Lots of fire.” He warns.
“That’s exactly what I want,” I assure him.
“I know, I just worry. I can’t imagine losing you too. It’s bad enough I had to lose you to that Italian mobster.” He jokes.
“He isn’t a ‘mobster’,” I smack his shoulder. “OK, maybe he is. But I’m telling you the truth. He isn’t so bad. The apple fell far from that tree.”
“Scarlet thought that Cap was perfect,” he cautions me. “Just don’t let your guard down.”
“You know I won’t.” That’s a lie.
“Look, I won’t have my burner on me during the event. Just keep your phone on you and I’ll call you as soon as possible.”
Too much time has passed, and I know I have to get out of the boutique before my driver catches on that I’m not trying on clothes. He’s moved the car block to block keeping an eye on me throughout the day, undoubtedly reporting back to Ryder. Or maybe not, but I can’t be too sure.
I buy the shirt. The last thing I want to do is invite suspicion. Strolling out of the store, I find my driver parked near the entrance leaning against the SUV with a cigarette between his fingers.
“Hey, do you think I can have one of those?” I ask as he opens my door.
He chuckles. “I didn’t take you as a smoker, Mrs. Totaro.” he inhales but doesn’t offer me one.
“I’m not, but is there a bad time to start?” I ask, tossing my bags into the back seat. You only live once, right?
“Your husband better not find out about this. You may think he’s a big teddy bear, but he’ll chop off my dick and staple it to my forehead if he finds out I’ve corrupted you.” He eyes me cautiously.
“Well, it can be our little secret… I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name. You have been more of the sullen silent type.” I hold out my hand waiting.
“Sal,” he grunts, retrieving a smoke from his jacket pocket and holding up a lighter as I place it between my lips. Mirroring his actions I suck, inhale, and slowly exhale. “Oh, look, she’s a natural.”
“Well Sal, how long have you worked with my husband? What kinds of things are you two doing when you’re running him around town at all hours of the night?” He shifts on his feet. His broad shoulders and bald head remind me of the type of bouncer you’d see in an early 2000’s rom-com nightclub. Although, I’m certain Sal could kill a man with his bare hands.
“You are a Sullivan, are you not? I’m sure Mr. Totaro’s schedule is similar to that of your brothers.”
“I’m not a Sullivan anymore,” suddenly the thought makes me melancholy. The girl destined to die too early has been given the gift of two different lives. Lucky me. “I wasn’t privy to Declan’s agenda. I only helped in one of his offices filing paperwork. It was what he considered the safest position for me to be in.”
“He’s probably right. I have two younger sisters and I keep them far away from that part of my life.” He drops his smoke on the ground before stomping on it and I do the same.
We rode home in silence and I allowed thoughts of Ryder to consume me. He’s done nothing but treat me the way a husband treats his wife. Looking back on the past two weeks, I recall the simple gestures of his hand on the small of my back as he passed me in the closet. He seeks every opportunity to touch me and I let him. When we sit down for dinner he asks me about my day, knowing mine isn’t nearly as exciting as his. Before he leaves, he kisses my temple and I swear he inhales as if savoring my scent before leaving. Maybe, even if only temporarily, I could be a real wife to him.
How do you show your husband that you like him? I mean, ‘like him’ like him?
I’ve never been an addict, but pleasing him gave me the kind of high I now craved. He calls me a sparrow. I should hate that. The plainest of birds, frail and meek. But when he calls me his sparrow I feel delicate, treasured, and cherished.
That’s why I’m now in this confusing predicament.
I feel.
Most days I’m able to push the feeling down deep when he isn’t with me. But today is different. Today I’m consumed with thoughts of him and they are drowning out any form of reason I had been clinging tightly to.
“Hey Sal, can we stop at the market on the way home?” I call up to the front.
“Sure, but I’m sure Fiona has the kitchen stocked.” He peers back through the rearview mirror.
“Yes, but what kind of wife would I be if I didn’t make my husband dinner now and then?”
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so I’d say this is an easy first step in testing the waters. An hour later we pull into the drive with a beautiful dress and bags of groceries. Sal offered me a stick of gum before he let me out of the car. Maybe today I made two friends.