47. Cheer up
CHAPTER 47
Cheer up
CALUM
Sweat breaks out on my forehead. I fist my hands, my elbows digging into my knees. The urge to roll a joint builds in my belly. My anxiety about tomorrow aggravates the urge. Mum will be here with Mace soon. If I can hold on for him, Cathie will be proud of me. The door opens. I don’t look up until someone nudges my foot. Sam holds out a green sticky note.
“Fuck you,” I grit out. He waves the note in my face until I snatch it from him. As expected, it’s another threat. This one reads If Cathie doesn’t open the show tomorrow, it’s your fault.
It’s Lucas’ handwriting. They have taken turns with the reminders since I made that promise to Cathie. I should never have done that because stopping is hard. I bunch the note and shoot to my feet. Sam winks in the mirror, but I ignore him. We are in the backstage room we will use tomorrow. Mirrors line the wall, giving us opportunities to view ourselves at any angle.
Where’s Cathie? What if I smoke today? It’s too late for her to back out.
“Don’t even think about it, Cal,” Sam warns.
“I wasn’t,” I tell him. He folds his arms on his chest. “Learn to mind your business.”
His eyes narrow, adding an extra layer to his menacing glare. “You are my business.”
Walking out on the grumpy bastard, I continue down the empty hallway instead of ducking into the bathroom or going to find someone who can aid my vice. I stop at the entrance of the stage. People busy themselves with the arrangements, even Cathie. She sticks to one of them.
Something the stagehand says evokes laughter out of her. I clench my hands. Light filters in through one side of the hall, and I hope for it to blind him. Why is she flirting with him? In the time spent with him, she has laughed, giggled, and even snorted. She didn’t notice me.
What is he saying?
All he needs to complete his clown prop is a wig, the fake nose and voila! A clown.
Footsteps sound from behind me, but I don’t break my trance from those two. Cathie helps him with a block of wood. I swipe my arm over my forehead to catch the sweat rolling into my eyes. What is he getting paid for? If he can’t do the job, he should quit. Who’s in charge?
A shadow falls over me. Cathie is still with the blonde, skinny dude. I should go get Mace from Mum. He needs his mother’s attention, but I don’t move. It was her idea to leave him with his grandma so they could bond for a bit. Bond for a bit, or to give her a chance to flirt?
Someone blows air over my ear. I jump back. “You have steam coming out of your ears.” Is that a joke? When I only frown, Lucas shakes his head and murmurs, “Jealous much?”
“You are a fool,” I tell a grinning Lucas.
He responds by fanning my ear with his hand. “Did you get my note?” His arm goes around my shoulders. “You need to chill, or you will explode. Look at your face. Cathie loves you.”
“That’s why she’s laughing at another man’s jokes.”
And won’t define our relationship. The other technicians leave the stage, but the duo stays. They are chatting like old friends catching up. I loathe it. Lucas’ nails dig into my shoulder, and I stomp on his foot. He gives up after two failed attempts to make me smile. I shouldn’t be mad at him, but it’s impossible when Cathie is still with that dude. Twenty minutes now.
“Why don’t you lock her in your room so she won’t see or talk to any other man? I’m sure she loves a man who wants to control her movements,” he says. Giving him the full force of my glare, I flash him my middle finger and he slaps my hand down. This isn’t the right time for his sarcasm. “Cathie is a pretty girl. Of course she will catch people’s attention. What matters is who she loves or spends her time with and we both know who the lucky man is.”
He’s being logical, but my feelings don’t listen to logic. Though she loves me and I love her more than life itself, we are in a limbo.
We are backstage. There’s no curtain dividing us. If Cathie was paying attention to me, she would have seen us. I want her here. But I’m not her boyfriend or husband. I have no right to discourage her from talking to other men. If lucky is being in an undefined relationship with the woman you love, then I want to be an unlucky man.
“Cheer up, Cal. They are just talking,” Lucas says. He nods towards them, and I turn to see their conversation is over. Thank fuck. “Finally. They are coming.”
I notice the big smile on Cathie’s lips. I make her smile this way, right? She loves me, not him. She sleeps in my bed, not his.
The stagehand reaches us first. He flashes me a shit-eating grin. “Hey.”
Fuck. You. Lucas responds to the little shit. Cathie arrives as he’s leaving. What kind of man leaves his woman behind? The type that knows nothing about treating a beautiful woman. Cathie smiles once our eyes meet. I can’t reciprocate. She was doing the same with him a few minutes ago. Is this smile genuine? She engulfs me in a hug. I am slow to wrap my arms around her waist and she looks up with questions in her eyes.
When I offer no answer, she quirks her head and smiles at my best friend. “Hey,” she greets.
“Hey, you,” Lucas mutters with a smile that mirrors Cathie’s. He punches my shoulder and winks. I’m going to kick him on stage tomorrow or disconnect his microphone. Maybe push him into the crowd, so he’s suffocated with kisses. “You kept your ugly boyfriend waiting.”
“Boyfriend?” Cathie squeals. Her arm drops from my waist. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
Of course she doesn’t. We are just Calum and Cathie. Lucas sends me a sorry smile, backing away so I can handle this alone. She doesn’t notice the exchange. Her arms band around my waist as she talks about the dude. Harry. She pokes my chest as my non-interest in her ramble grows obvious. Between listening to her or being in the same room as Mum, I pick the latter.
“He’s from Wells Spring. He has seen the queen, Cal. The queen.”
“Good for him,” I mutter.
Disengaging from her is hard. My feelings are hurt, but I’m still comforted by her touch. I tune her out as she talks about their common interests. When she talks about a date, I perk up.
“Will you go?” I whisper.
Cathie frowns. Her fingers don’t stop moving around the single button on my Ralph Lauren shirt. I want to grab her hands at her back and kiss her senseless. She needs only me. If she wants a place that reminds her of home, we can figure something out. Plan a short vacation.
“I’ll think about it,” she says. “Mace might like it. Harry says it’s exactly like back home.”
“Yeah.” The knife in my heart plunges deeper, but I keep my face in the same neutral mask. I point a finger over my shoulder. The pretty lady in front of me puckers her lips, and my mind mocks me with images of her smiling at Harry. “I need to check on Mace and his grandma.”
Cathie pushes herself up to kiss me on the lips. If I’m not her boyfriend, why’s she doing it? Why did I encourage this from the start? Now I’m the only one suffering in this messy limbo.
“You really should talk to her, Cal.”
“Yeah,” I say.
She comes in for another kiss, but I duck my head. Hurt eyes stare back at me, but I stifle the desire to hold her. Her gaze drops to her feet. “How’s it going with, um, not smoking?”
“Good. Great,” I answer.
An unusual awkwardness sits between us. She intertwines her hands. “Nice. I’m proud of you.”
“Yeah, thanks.”
I leave without asking Cathie if she wants to join me. At the door, I turn and she’s in the same spot I left her. I reach the dressing room without punching holes into any walls. We came here to familiarise with the place we will perform for the next few days. I don’t knock before opening the door. Mum looks up. Mace smiles at me through the mirror. They are here.
“Are you okay?” Mum asks. I pace to the door and walk back to stand behind her chair. She stands but maintains the distance between us. I’m okay. I’m fine. It’s just Harry. “Cal?”
“Cathie was talking to another man,” I blurt out. Mum settles back into the chair. Mace slides to the floor, and she wedges him between her legs. I reach for him. After failing to pluck out my eyelashes, he gives up. I look at the door. I don’t know why I expected her to come after me. Mace tries to pull my beard. I’m trimming it after Manville’s tour. When he fails, he throws his little arms around my neck. “She wants to go on a date with him.”
“You don’t want her to?” Mum asks.
My eyes flash daggers at her. Is that a question? If she wants to mend our relationship, she’s already failing with this tactic. I place a hand on Mace’s back, seeking comfort from him.
“Of course I don’t want her to.”
“Did you tell her that?” she asks. Cathie didn’t give me that chance. She touches Mace’s feet. I step forward so she doesn’t have to strain to get to him. “If it bothers you so much, tell her.”
“But I’m not her boyfriend,” I say, more to myself.
Mum braces her elbow on the table. I drag a chair close to her and sit. I bring Mace down to my lap so he’s facing his grandma, and he stretches his hands to her. Mum delays to carry him. I give her a curt nod, and she happily relieves me of him. I hope we can one day get to where she doesn’t need my permission to soothe her grandson.
“Cathie knows I love her. She loves me too. We had…” I stop there before I say too much to her. I put myself in this situation by agreeing to an undefined relationship. I can’t be mad at her because I’m not her boyfriend or husband. The intensity of Mum’s stare forces my head up. I rub my hands over my thighs too many times to count. “It’s fine. Forget I mentioned it.”
“What if I can’t? I don’t want to. If you’re hurting…”
“I’m not.”
“Cal, I—”
“It’s fine,” I snap. Her hand reaches for mine, and I dodge the contact at the last minute.
Part of this is her fault. Given all the time that has passed, I shouldn’t be this upset.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
Mace sniffs. I hide my face behind my palms. We hear about friends betraying each other, but no one teaches you how to handle the hurt when it’s coming from your parents. I slide my hands into my hair and pull. That kind of hurt I can handle. I trusted Mum with my life.
“When everything is going wrong, I want to know I can count on you. But I don’t. You broke my trust, and you broke my heart, Mum,” I tell her. My hands drop to my knees. Tears fill her eyes. Mace is clueless, but he catches the first set of tears that fall to her cheeks. “I’m not mad, not so much anymore, but it’s hard to reconcile you with the woman I always looked up to. You were my role model. And well, I love you. I’ll always love you because you’re my mum and Mace deserves to have his grandma. But yeah, I haven’t completely forgiven you.”
Mum smiles. “What can I do to make it better?”
We can’t slap a time limit on our feelings. I’m learning the hard way. Cathie said we would consider dating in the future. It has been days, but nothing has happened. Feelings don’t care about time. Cathie’s feelings for me are not strong enough to consider the next step with me.
“Nothing,” I finally say. “It will just happen.”
Mace jerks back when I stretch out my hand. I think he likes his grandma more than me. I make a face from one of his favourite animations and he laughs. Nope, he loves me more.
“And please be nice to Cathie,” I whisper. Mum has been polite so far, and I guess the strain in the relationship is caused by me, but I want the boys and Cathie to feel free. She can never get Amelia back, but she will always have us. “Cathie and Macey are my biggest priority.”
“Understood.” She dabs the corners of her eyes, and I drum a finger on my knee. My heart aches for some sort of physical comfort, but Cathie is not here, and Mace is too comfortable with his grandma. “Do you think we will ever get to the point where it’s okay to hug you?”
“Mum,” I breathe. I’m not sure what propels me forward. I squash her and Mace in a hug.
It has been too long since I hugged my mother, and I missed it.