48. Whatever you want to be
CHAPTER 48
Whatever you want to be
Calum has been acting weird since he left me backstage. I want to believe it’s the talk he had with Dani that’s affecting his mood, but she’s smiling. Mace, too. I join those two when Dani waves me over. Calum grins but makes no other attempt to welcome me. There are only two seats in the room and Dani is in one of them while he sits on the other. Usually, he would pull me down to his lap, but nothing of the sort happens.
I squat in front of Dani. “Hey.”
Mace pouts. “Hey.”
Giggles burst out of me. I’ll never tire of hearing my son speak. My eyes raise in time to meet Dani’s. I’ve been pushing Calum to talk to his mum, but I don’t know if I have the heart to do the same. No, I’m not upset. I’m over it but don’t have the courage or strength to face her.
“How do you like the setup?” Dani asks.
“Good,” I reply.
The boys practised before I did, and I joined Harry to finish setting up after they took off. He attended my secondary school before Dad became the headteacher. It was fun to talk about the changes and improvements since he left, but Calum didn’t seem to care what I had to say about him.
Mace curls a hand around my hair, as if to remind me I haven’t answered his grandma. I clear my throat and lace our fingers. “The setup is good. I had fun.”
“With Harry,” Calum mutters.
My head rounds in Calum’s direction. Is he joking? His face gives nothing away as he leans back into his chair, legs crossed at the ankles.
“Yeah. Harry is cool,” I tell him and turn to Dani. “He went to St George’s.”
Some of my excitement leaks into my voice but dies completely at his blank face. I collect my son from Dani. It might be the nerves causing the attitude shift with him. I circle the near-empty room that will be fully furnished by tomorrow, laughing and having a silly, one-sided conversation with Mace. He doesn’t know what’s going on. His mama will perform in front of thousands of people tomorrow. So close. I try not to overthink it. I can’t fail. I won’t.
“The driver is here,” Calum calls out.
I stop spinning, and Mace’s hands slide out of mine. He clutches my knees and shakes his head, quietly demanding another round. One look at his father’s frown and I decide against it. Something or someone made Calum angry. It’s not me, but he’s transferring that anger to me.
Calum hoists Mace off the floor and walks out of the room without a word to me. I roll my eyes at the door. He’s such a man child. I will tolerate an attitude from Mace because he’s a kid and can’t communicate well, but the adult should do better. Maybe I sound hypocritical, but I’ve been trying. These days, I express myself more knowing Calum can’t read my mind.
“Cathie?” Dani calls from behind me. I forgot she was in the room with me. I halt in front of the door. My hand touches the knob but doesn’t twist it. “Can I have a word with you?”
No. I spin before I process the movement. Dani’s chair creaks as she stands. The move seems to suck out the air here. I would have run, but there’s no place to hide. She leaves a foot of space between us. I don’t know who’s more nervous. Her mouth opens and closes twice.
Too anxious, I blurt, “The car is waiting. I must go now, Dani.”
But I can’t bring myself to turn around and leave.
“Cathie, I owe you an apology,” Dani mutters. My gaze lowers to my feet. Everyone in our world owes each other something. I forgave Dad. I can forgive her, right? Eventually. “There are no, no words that would justify what I did or fix the damage my actions caused you two.”
“You did what you thought was best,” I say in reply, still unable to meet her gaze.
Her feet move towards mine. She’s right in front of me, but I don’t look up. I don’t think I like confrontations anymore. It’s exhausting.
“But both of you are still suffering the repercussions of my actions.”
“It’s fine—”
“If you want to be mad at anyone, be mad at me instead. I volunteer. I deserve it,” she says. She grabs my hands, forcing our gazes to meet. “Don’t hurt him, Cathie. Hurt me instead.”
Hurt sits in her eyes. What did Calum tell her? I squeeze her hand. In some fucked up way, I understand her. It’s why I’m less upset. “I don’t want to hurt anyone, Dani. It’s fine. I swear.”
A while later, she releases my hands and nods. “I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. Maybe not now. Not next year. Sometime in the future. When… whenever you are ready.”
“I forgive you already,” I say. Her hand goes over her mouth. Tears shine in her eyes, and she nods so fast. I will never know why my eyes water. I’m too emotional. “The car is waiting.”
“Yeah,” she rasps out, and it comes out muffled.
Giving her a side hug, I rush out the words, “I must go now. See you tomorrow, okay?” My purse’s strap almost slips from my shoulder as I hurry. “Mace really, really likes you, Dani.”
Without waiting for her reply, I head out and don’t stop walking until I’m in the parking lot. I pause to catch my breath. Ebun will be proud of me for how I handled that. I’m also proud of myself. I retrieve my phone from my purse to text Calum because I don’t see the familiar car that dropped us this morning, but I don’t get to use it because Lucas walks right up to me.
“Looking for me?” he teases, arms opening for a hug. I yank on a loose strand of hair curling over his forehead. He yelps. Drama king. I didn’t pull that hard. “Hey, that was so mean.”
I kiss his cheek. He laughs. Looking over his shoulder for my Calum, I ask, “Where’s Cal?”
“In the car.”
Disappointment sits heavy in my stomach. I maintain my smile as we continue the rest of the way to the car. Calum smiles once I’m in the backseat, and my annoyance fizzles out.
“What took you so long?” he asks and goes right back to talking to Sam.
It’s hard not to dwell on that, but I try. I can’t help feeling left out of the conversation as they talk about tomorrow. Lucas tries to bring me into the conversation, but my mood is already ruined, so I give only monotone replies. He takes the hint and lets me be. But Calum, the man sitting right beside me, doesn’t spare me a glance. He didn’t care why I was late to the car. If Mace was awake, I would play with him, but he’s asleep and I don’t want to ruin his sleep.
The ride ends, and I’m the first one out of the car. I grab Mace’s bag and race to our room. I have the keys, so I don’t wait for Calum. Ten minutes later, he hasn’t shown up. I fluff the bed, clean up, change into my nightwear, and order dinner, but he doesn’t show up. I’m ready to give up when the door opens. Calum walks in with a rambling Mace. The corners of his lips look stained.
“You fed Mace?” I ask.
“Oh? Yeah. Lucas had some snacks in their room, so we had a bit of that.” I step out of his way as he draws closer to the bed. In the silence, the tension grows. He dumps his son on the bed. Mace immediately goes on his knees and crawls to the edge. I pick him up before he falls off, my mouth puckering for a kiss. Turning to Calum, I ask, “Have you had dinner?”
“No. Not yet.”
After stripping Mace off his clothes, I start for to the bathroom but stop when Calum opens the door to the room. “Where are you going?”
“I’ll be spending the night with the boys,” he replies. He runs his hand through his hair, and his eyes slowly lift to mine. Blues meet blues. I don’t like this emotional barrier between us. “We, um, we have to practise. I might be up late. Wouldn’t want to disturb you and Mace.”
I shut the bathroom door behind me. “Scott said not to practise anymore and just rest.”
“Scott doesn’t sing or perform on stage.”
His icy tone cuts through me. He doesn’t apologise, so I mutter, “Okay. Goodnight.”
A long, awkward minute of wondering if to hug Calum or go in for a kiss rolls by. He settles it for us by walking out of the room. I take Mace to the bathroom and lower him to the tub.
Scooping water over his head, I tell him, “Your dad is acting weird.”
“Dada,” he screams back at me.
“Yes, Dada. Dada is acting odd.”
Mace says nothing else. By the time dinner arrives, he is clean and asleep, and my appetite is gone. I stay in bed, staring at the ceiling, replaying the day’s events to know where we went wrong. Calum was cool until I talked about Harry. Oh. The boyfriend statement. It must be it. But he’s not my boyfriend. It’s such a silly word to quantify what I feel for him. He’s more.
He’s my everything.
I check in on Mace a few times and tiptoe out of the room. The boys’ room is a few doors away from ours. For a group that’s supposedly practising all night, there’s no noise coming out of the room. I bang my fist on the door, ignoring the voice asking to know who’s there.
Calum wrenches the door open, and his look of irritation morphs into one of concern.
“Cathie? Is Mace okay?” he asks. I nod, and he visibly relaxes. Stepping into the corridor to join me, he grabs my shoulders and inspects my face. I miss my Calum. “Are you okay?”
“Is it because of him?” I whisper. “Of Harry?”
His hands slide down my shoulders. “Your new friend? Harold?”
That’s the reason. “Harry.” Annoyance flashes in his eyes and mine. “Is it because of him?”
“What do you mean?” he asks.
“Are you being mean to me because of Harry?” I say. He raises a brow, and I so very much want to slap it down. “You are not sleeping in the room because I spoke to Harry, isn’t it?”
“No, that’s not it. And I’m not being mean. I’m not your boyfriend, remember?” Calum says. Ah, so that’s it. Jealous Calum doesn’t appear so often. I fold my arms under my boobs. With the lights shining around us, my cleavage is more than visible to him. His gaze heats, but he looks me in the eye when he says, “We are not a couple, so we don’t have to share a bed.”
Utter bollocks.
“If we are not a couple and we don’t need to share a bed, does that mean I can bring another man to the room, share a bed…”
“Don’t you dare, Cathie,” he cuts in.
This time, I roll my eyes. I love him. I’ve said it one too many times. My hands drop to my sides. I could either follow the route he set or put on my big girl knickers. Knickers it is.
“You didn’t ask if I agreed to go with him.” Or he missed that bit when I mentioned it.
Calum’s face scrunches like he ate expired baked beans for dinner. “On the date?”
I let out an exasperated sigh. If this man had paid attention, he would know it was just a friendly outing to show me the best spots for some Wells Spring delicacy. “It is not a date.”
“Whatever it is,” he whispers. He lets his guard down for me to see the underlying hurt. It’s all so unnecessary. He doesn’t need to stay away from me. “Do I have the right to stop you?”
“Yes, you do.”
He groans. “Cathie. I can’t do this undefined thing with you. Not anymore, okay?”
“You didn’t pay attention,” I say. He frowns, and I nod. He’s jealous but has no reason to be. Locking my arms around his waist, I tip my head back. “I declined. I want to go with you, Cal. We can go together and experience Wells Spring. Me, you, and Mace. That’s if you like.”
The annoyance radiating off him melts away. “I would like that, Miss Jenkins.”
“I prefer Mrs Dissick,” I quip. That gets me the Calum Dissick smile, and my insides knot. “Will you please come back to the room? I sleep better when you’re around me, Calum.”
“Cal,” he says. Lacing our fingers, he asks, “Does that mean I’m your boyfriend now?”
I press my lips against his, my hands sliding up to cup his face. “You’re my whatever you want to be, Cal. You’re my everything.”