Chapter 3
A jaunt in the . . . Cotswolds?
They’d been walking for what felt like hours.
The dark purple sky above them was turning blacker by the minute, and the light was fading fast. Drew couldn’t help but search once again for the source of the light.
There was no sun in the sky, only a weird twinkling light here and there.
Were they stars? Did Hell even have stars?
Was that even the sky up there? Was there an atmosphere? Hell was underground, wasn’t it?
He had no clue. He really didn’t know anything about this place.
He walked in silence for a while longer, mulling it all over.
It was clear that even by taking the shortcut the demon had told them about, they weren’t reaching the borderlands anytime soon.
He supposed he may as well pass the time by getting some answers to his questions.
“Where is the light coming from?” he asked Zach, reaching up absently to pet Leila.
She had squirmed out of his arms some time ago and was now perched on his shoulder.
Every now and then she would fly down to the ground, peck around for a bit, poop, then fly back up and get comfortable once more. “Is there a sun here?”
“Oh yes,” Zach replied, glancing over to him. “The atmosphere is very thick, so you don’t really see it, but the glow of it through the gases is enough to provide a daylight of sorts.”
“Huh.” Drew looked up again. “So, there’s no like, roof up there?”
Zach gave him a quizzical look. “I beg your pardon?”
Drew could feel himself flush. “Aren’t we underground? Like, Hell is underground, isn’t it?”
Zach snorted. “Oh, you’re precious. No, Drew. Hell isn’t at the centre of the Earth. If it was, those drills in the Arctic Circle would have provided some pretty funky results.”
No one liked being laughed at, and Drew wasn’t exactly having the best day. “Well, excuse me for not knowing how it all works.” He folded his arms and tried not to pout, but he was sure he had an epic one on his face right now.
“Sorry,” Zach apologized immediately. “It’s just a really big misconception that everyone gets wrong.”
“Can you blame us?” Drew demanded. “When Oberon’s goons summoned those demons last year, they crawled their way out of the dirt. That’s pretty strong evidence that they came from under the fucking ground.”
Zach managed to look abashed at that. “Okay, fair point, but it’s still incorrect.
Hell isn’t on Earth—it’s an entirely different dimension.
The portals the demons were called through just happened to be hidden underground, probably so we wouldn’t know they were being summoned until the last minute. ”
“So why does everyone refer to Hell as ‘down there?’” Drew pressed.
Zach shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just the way it’s always been. They always called it that in Heaven, long before my time.”
He frowned, annoyed at not having a clear answer. “That’s just stupid.”
He could tell Zach was trying not to laugh. “I suppose it is.”
“Okay, so it’s an entirely different dimension.” He looked around. “I guess that explains why we’ve been here for at least four hours now and it looks like it’s just turning to evening, but we were only an hour off sunset back home?”
Zach nodded. “Yes. The days are the same length of time as on Earth, but demons measure time differently. Their hours are longer than a normal hour, and there’s only eighteen of them in a day.
The atmosphere at ground level is very similar to Earth’s, with a slightly lower oxygen level, but it’s very toxic at higher altitudes, so we need to make sure we don’t ascend too far. ”
Drew nodded. He had been finding it a little difficult to get a full breath. “Noted. No mountain climbing for me while we’re here.”
Zach paused and gazed around at the landscape. “Hmm,” he said.
Drew waited, but there was nothing else forthcoming. “Hmm, what?”
“Oh, it’s just I think I recognise this place.”
“You do? Does that mean we’re close to where we need to be?”
Zach grimaced. “Sadly, no. In fact, if we’re close to the settlement that I think we’re close to, it’ll probably take us another day to make it to the borderlands.”
Drew’s mouth dropped open in horror. “You’re kidding!”
“I wish I was,” Zach said in true regret. He lifted a hand and cupped Drew’s cheek. “I’m so sorry. This was not what I had planned for our anniversary.”
“Why are you apologizing?” Drew asked. “It was me and my stupid magic getting away from me again while I was cooking that landed us here.”
“I think it was the baking that was the issue, not so much the cooking.”
He rolled his eyes. “Same difference.”
“It’s really not, but given you’re a bit stressed right now, I’m just going to agree to disagree,” Zach said.
“Keep that up and I might make you do all the cooking from now on,” Drew threatened.
Eyes twinkling with mirth, Zach said, “That might actually be the safest option at this point.”
Drew was going to thump him on the arm, but at that moment, Leila flapped her wings and launched herself onto Zach’s shoulders. She made a long, low caw noise, turned around, and then shat all the way down his back. Once she was done, she hopped back over to Drew’s shoulder and sat herself down.
Zach gaped at her. “She did that deliberately!” he accused.
“I’m sure it was an accident,” Drew argued.
“Look how smug she looks!”
“She’s a chicken! Chickens can’t look smug.” A glance down at her belied that, but he wasn’t going to admit it.
“Your familiar hates me,” Zach said, sounding very put out by this.
“She just doesn’t know you yet. It won’t take long for her to see how wonderful you are.”
Leila bokked in disbelief and turned her beak up.
Zach held up a hand as if to say, “Your honour—Exhibit A.”
“Stop being such a baby,” Drew said instead.
“Your loving care and devotion to me just warms the cockles of my heart,” Zach drawled.
“If you ever want me warming your cockles again, maybe you should find us somewhere to shelter for the night?” He looked around at their surroundings, which were growing darker by the minute.
“Let’s head for the settlement. There should be an inn there.”
“Will they let us stay there? And do we want to? Since, you know, the last demon we met mentioned I was kind of tasty looking? An inn sounds good in theory, just as long as I’m getting familiar with the bed and not the inside of the pot on the kitchen stove.”
“It’s mostly low-level demons in this area. I should be able to glamour us so they won’t recognise you as a human and me as an angel,” Zach said, sounding confident. “There’s no need to worry.”
Drew wasn’t experienced enough with his magic to know how possible that was, but he was happy to try.
He really didn’t want to have to sleep on the rocky ground out in the open in a hostile place if there was another option.
Of course, the other option might simply trap them for the hungry hordes in a convenient room-sized takeout box, but he guessed they’d cross that bridge once they got to it.
It didn’t take them long to reach the edge of the settlement.
Drew hadn’t really known what he’d been expecting, but it wasn’t this.
It was a small village, and wouldn’t have been out of place in a British murder mystery television show.
It was the quintessential English village, with cobbled streets, half-timbered houses with gabled roofs, and vintage lantern streetlights.
He stopped, his mouth agape as he stared at the settlement.
“What’s wrong?” Zach asked, eyes darting around to scan for threats.
“Is Hell actually the Cotswolds?” Drew demanded.
“Considering how many murders Agatha Raisin stumbles across, that’s a distinct possibility,” Zach drawled.
Before they entered the outskirts of the town, Drew’s ears popped—a sure sign Zach was accessing his magic.
When the air pressure around them returned to normal, Drew turned his attention inwards, trying to tell if he could feel any difference.
After a few moments of not detecting anything out of the ordinary, he gave up and decided to put his trust in Zach.
He had thousands of years’ experience under his belt.
If his magic didn’t work the way he intended, he’d resort to other measures to keep Drew safe.
No one looked twice at them as they started along the main street of the settlement, so Drew took the opportunity to goggle at the inhabitants.
They were as different from one another as could be, though all were vaguely humanoid in that they walked on two appendages.
From what he could see, some of them were feet, some hooves, and some paws.
Skin, fur, and scale colours varied, as did the number of arms, horns, and teeth.
It was fascinating, but also terrifying.
They soon reached a large square which was surrounded by storefronts.
“Inn, inn, inn,” Zach muttered to himself as his eyes scanned the area.
There was a loud shout, and then the windows of a premises across from them exploded outwards as a body was hurled through it.
The demon tumbled across the cobblestones, coming to a rest not too far from where Drew and Zach were standing.
“Ah, there it is,” Zach said, and led Drew around the prone body of the demon, towards the inn.
“Um, will they be alright?” Drew asked, turning to look back at the demon.
“They’ll be fine,” Zach assured him. “They’re just drunk.”
They pushed through the front door of the inn, and Drew blinked several times to help his eyes adjust. The room beyond was vast, with multiple long wooden tables with bench seats in what appeared to be a dining area.
On the right-hand side of the room was a large fireplace, in front of which were several smaller tables that had demons surrounding them, playing card or dice games.
There was a counter at the rear of the room, and Zach guided them around the tables and their occupants towards it.
“Evening,” he greeted the demon manning the counter. They were shorter than most of the others, with thin arms that seemed overly long for their body. Two stubby horns protruded from their forehead above a snout-like nose. “We’re interested in a room for the night.”
The demon grunted at Zach, then glanced at Drew, before doing a double take.
They peered at him for a long time, causing Drew to shift nervously.
Leila sat on his shoulder, watching the demon with her calm gaze.
Finally, the demon turned back to Zach. “Eight silver for the room, ten with an evening and morning meal included,” they said with a voice so gravelly that it almost hurt Drew’s ears.
Drew felt the telltale change in pressure as Zach accessed his magic before he reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of small, hexagonal coins and placed them on the counter.
“Much obliged.” As Zach had predicted, none of the demons nearby seemed strong enough to be able to tell that magic was being used.
The demon slid the coins off the counter and then fetched a large bronze key off a hook on the wall behind them. They gestured at a doorway near the kitchen. “Room six. Up the stairs and to the right.”
Zach nodded, took the key and led Drew upstairs. They found the room easily enough, and Drew slumped down onto the small bed immediately. Leila’s wings half-flapped to keep herself balanced, and he reached up to steady her. “I’m so tired,” he whined.
“I know, sweetness. It’s been a long day,” Zach agreed. “Let’s head back down and get some dinner, then we can go to bed.”
Drew groaned. “Why did you make me climb the stairs if we were just going to be heading back down?”
“Because I wanted to make sure the room was safe and determine where we could safely escape if needed. There’s a door at the end of the hall that looks like it leads to a rear staircase. I’ll check for sure on the way back down.”
Drew yawned and took the hand Zach offered him, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. “I guess that makes sense.”
After checking that there was in fact a stairway leading to a rear alley, they went back down into the main room of the inn.
Most of the tables were full, but there was a little room free at the very end of one of the tables if they sat opposite one another.
Leila jumped down onto the table, pecked at a few crumbs of stale bread, then hopped down onto Drew’s lap.
Zach hailed a waitdemon and, after inquiring what was being served, placed an order for them both.
“What will we be eating?” Drew asked. He wasn’t sure if his wariness or curiosity over the food available in Hell would win out.
“Gathra stew. It’s a little like a wild boar. It tastes very much like pork,” Zach explained.
“Cool. I’m hungry enough to eat a horse.”
“Should I change your selection?” Zach asked, a teasing glint in his eyes. “You want the pony pie instead?”
Drew narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend. “Don’t even think about it.”
Somebody thumped down onto the bench next to Drew and threw an arm around his shoulders, squeezing him tight to their side. “Well, well, well,” a deep voice drawled. “Is this a human I spy? And in the company of an angel, no less. How very interesting.”