Chapter 54
Chapter Fifty-Four
I t wasn’t pitch black. But it was dark, and it was small, and I did feel like the walls were closing in on me as soon as I stepped foot inside. I didn’t have a moment of you’ve got this ! I didn’t suddenly feel enlightened or purged of my fear or that I could take on the world. But I did keep going, with my small steps and the vision of dolphins outside to help me. And of course, my newfound determination to finally be free of my OCD.
I followed a wooden bridge-type path that was suspended above a stream that ran below it. I could hear the water rushing underneath me, but I didn’t look down. I needed to keep my focus on what I was doing.
The group weren’t far ahead. I sped up my small steps until I reached them. I tried to steady my breathing against the pounding of my heart so that I could hear the guide in front.
‘OK, so now we’re going to be going into a slightly tighter space – everyone OK with small spaces?’ he said.
I wanted to scream but I didn’t.
‘Just take your time, it’s also a bit darker in there until we get a bit further in, but you can reach out and feel the grooves of the cave wall, it’s smooth and perfectly fine to hold on to.’
Hold on to? Why would we need to hold on to it?
‘Once we’re through the tunnel we’ll enter the main part of the cave, where you’ll see the majestic waterfall and a bit further along, the glowworms. Everyone OK?’
No.
‘Right, let’s go.’
I watched as the people in front of me squeezed through a tiny gap, more like a crack, in the cave. The sort of gap that someone would see and not ever consider going through because, why would they? Why would I?
I could hear each person ooh and ahh and ohh and oops , followed by an, ow , as they slipped through sideways. One person had to attempt it twice, which I witnessed because they were two in front of me, and guess what? They couldn’t get their bloody head through the gap – their head for God’s sake!
When they finally worked out how to do it (to turn their head sideways the entire time until they got through) and the person in front of me followed, it was my turn.
The gap was probably three metres long, if that. It wasn’t like it went on for miles with twists and turns. From what I could see it was just a straight passageway through a rock to a more open space. So, all I had to do was walk with my head turned sideways through it.
I took a deep breath and squeezed myself inside. I thought of a cave on a raft floating by me on a riverbank but it didn’t quite cut it. I thought of trees. Irish trees and broccoli trees and I whispered trees, trees, trees out loud.
I closed my eyes, I opened my eyes, I thought of Tim’s wife dancing in a supermarket, I thought of her swimming with dolphins. I thought of every damn thing I’d ever been told or tried or been assured would help me, but my feet didn’t move. I was frozen. I was frozen in a cave, between two rocks, in a tiny gap that my head could barely fit through, somewhere inside the earth in New Zealand, with no one to help me because how could they pull me out if I was stuck? They couldn’t cut into the cave it would collapse. So how would they do it?
I could hear a man’s voice, it got louder and closer and more familiar as my heart beat faster. He knew my name, he knew my fear, he knew me. He knew me – how could he know me? I hadn’t spoken to any of the group, I was too scared, too petrified to talk to anyone.
Yet there he was. Had I died and gone to heaven? Was it God come to tell me that I had yet to be forgiven for all my sins, all my intrusive thoughts of penises and evil and dying? Was my grandmother right all along about going to hell for having sex before marriage? Was I there already?
‘Pearl, close your eyes and count to ten. Don’t open them until I tell you,’ he said.
I closed my eyes.
‘One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.’
‘Keep going.’
‘One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.’
‘Don’t come out.’
But I want to come out, I’m scared. I don’t like the dark. I feel trapped, I can’t move, I can’t breathe, it’s too black.
‘Ssh, just wait.’
Wait for what, though?
His voice was clear now. As clear as the crystal blue lake in Wanaka, as the cloudless sky outside above Roy’s Peak. It was Niall, but how could he have been there?
‘Niall?’
‘Be quiet.’
Why do I have to be quiet?
And then I felt a hand on my shoulder and a voice belonging to it, but it wasn’t Niall’s.
‘Are you OK in there? Just take your time, you’re OK, you’re OK. Keep shuffling sideways, you’re almost through.’ A flash of green caught my eyes, a green arm, the guide’s arm, gently tugged at my hand. ‘I’ve got you, OK?’
‘I’m stuck.’ I gasped.
‘It’s all right,’ he reassured me. ‘Follow my instructions, go slowly, nearly there.’
I was aware that my body started to move and that I moved with it, that the gap had become bigger and I couldn’t feel myself pressed up between the rocks anymore. I had no idea how I’d got out. Just that I had. And that everyone was looking at me with concerned expressions and all I could do was scan the cave for Niall. But he wasn’t there.
‘OK?’ the guide said with one hand on my shoulder.
‘Sorry.’
‘Don’t apologise. It’s not an easy space to get through – do you have a fear of small spaces?’
‘Yes.’
‘Did you tell anyone when you booked?’
‘No.’
I felt stupid.
‘Always best to let us know and then we can make sure we stay with you.’
‘Do I have to go back that same way?’
‘No, there’s a path out through this cave and it’s much wider.’
‘Great,’ I said but I was still shaking, still looking for Niall.
‘Ready to carry on?’
‘Yes.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m sure, thank you.’
It only hit me then that it was much louder in the cave we were in. The sound of gushing water echoed around me, everything seemed wet, the cave was lighter, and I could see the shimmering reflection of the water as it flickered on the walls that were smooth and beige and not at all dark and scary.
‘Just through here is the ancient waterfall. It’s known to have healing powers so if you’d like to reach out and touch it, feel free, but be careful not to lean in too far, we don’t want anyone falling in.’
I followed behind the group; my heart was still hammering, still whacking my chest in a desperate race against itself. I walked along the path and around the corner until we reached the waterfall. It was as magical and majestic and spiritual as they had described. And the sound was so loud it deafened my thoughts, which in itself was healing alone.
I pulled out my phone and slipped on the voice recorder so that I could listen to the sound on my flight home.
A short walk further in, it began to get dark again and the guide turned to me.
‘We’re about to go into the glowworm caves, it’s darker, for obvious reasons, but not smaller. It’s bigger than what we’ve been in, OK?’
‘OK,’ I said quietly. I was still in shock, I think. And then I followed the rest of the group in behind him.
It was dark, it was bloody dark, but before I had time to feel any panic I saw them. Bright green luminous dots, hundreds of them, on the walls, on the roof of the cave, glowing just like Niall had said they would, from their bottoms, although I would never have known that, had he not told me. And they were just as beautiful as Niall had promised they would be. Just as amazing.
And all I could think about was, if there were that many females searching for a male, with their arses lit up, where were all the males? And what did they do if they didn’t find them? Did they give up? Did they stop glowing? Or did they glow brighter?