Chapter 15
Merlin was in the galley. Ordes lingered in the doorway, watching his father think – his wizened fingers steepled beneath his chin when he was thinking.
Sometimes, despite all that had happened, Ordes thought he’d wake one morning and find everything back to the way it used to be.
The Excalibur and the crew he’d grown up with.
His father as captain, lounging in his cabin or standing on the quarterdeck scanning the horizon.
Merlin’s body, Ordes realised, always angled towards Avalon, no matter where the wind carried them.
That life would remain a dream – the carefree innocence he’d had would never be regained.
Ordes used to think he was a man of the world, knowledgeable and wise, because he’d spent some time in taverns playing word games with his mother’s spy.
He wondered if Kat ever thought of the life they used to have and of how simple it seemed.
He wondered if his father wished nothing had changed – if he could have remained Tymis Merlyni.
But from what Ordes could tell, even the Prophet of the Gods had little choice in what the Old Ones planned for them.
He understood that now. The prophecies did not come from Merlin, but through him, as if a power greater than all of them had decided this was what should be.
Ordes cleared his throat. His father looked up, but instead of a smile like Ordes was expecting, Merlin’s expression was grave.
‘We’re going to shut off the realms,’ Ordes announced, sitting opposite his father. Merlin’s face did not shift. ‘Like you suggested? Remember?’
The deck groaned as the sea shifted.
‘I think I’ve worked out how to do it, but any advice would be welcome.’
Merlin hadn’t even looked at him.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ Ordes asked. ‘Normally I’d relish the silence but—’
‘You were created from magic,’ Merlin cut in.
‘I already know this,’ Ordes told him, confused at the sudden switch of topic.
‘But do you know why?’
Throat suddenly dry, Ordes managed a smile. ‘I’d like to think it was because my parents wanted me, but I have a bad feeling you’re about to tell me otherwise.’
A fleeting smile – reassuring in a way. ‘You were born, Ordes, as all things that live are born. We did not shape you from nothing.’
‘That’s comforting, I think.’
‘After my vision, I searched the world for a child like you, but you didn’t exist, so I knew I had to create you,’ Merlin explained.
‘Arthur represents the earth – he is grounded, stable, although he is still coming to understand that. Your syhren is the sea – fluid, powerful and capricious all at once. And you,’ Merlin’s voice dropped. ‘You are the bridge between the two.’
The one who stands between the worlds…
Ordes had heard those words all his life, never knowing, never imagining that they referred to him.
Even after his father revealed who he really was and Ordes learnt his role in the prophecy, those words had rattled around the cage of his brain.
He’d ignored them on some deep instinct he didn’t understand, but now, the way his father was looking at him, he knew he couldn’t push it aside any longer.
‘What do I have to do?’ he asked. Everything was beginning to make a strange and terrible sort of sense. The pictures he had seen in Ulrian Tregarthen’s book, Olwen’s words… the Red Sister when he claimed the Bow of Mists.
‘You’re a vessel, son,’ Merlin answered. ‘A conduit for the power the Grail will unleash on the world. You were born, yes, but you were born of magic – you are magic, Ordes, just as the Grail is magic and… I can’t say what will happen in the end.’
Ordes froze, his heartbeat echoing in his ears. ‘When you say I’m a conduit… the Grail will use me as a tool, won’t it?’ The truth of it slammed into his skull with all the force of a bolt of lightning in the fiercest oceanic storm. ‘Will I survive?’
‘I don’t know,’ his father said regretfully.
The world slipped away then rushed back, narrowing to this moment, this place on the ship, the place that had been Ordes’ home, where he had taken his first steps, learnt his first words, learnt love and care at the hands of the man sitting opposite him.
His head filled with everything and nothing all at once, every moment of the last thirty years emptied from his mind yet stamped there in painful clarity.
His knuckles turned white as he grasped the edge of the table.
‘Fuck,’ Ordes met his father’s silver eyes, so like his own.
‘What do I do? What am I… what am I supposed to do with this information?’ he shouted, shock slipping into anger.
‘Tuck it away and pretend I don’t know? Fuck!
’ He slammed his fists on the table. Lightning shot from his clenched fingers to scorch the timber.
Ordes watched the lightning dance over his knuckles, a bitter laugh escaping him.
‘Forget the Grail – I’ve been nothing but a tool for Niniane to use.
I was made for her to use! For both of you to use.
’ His chest hurt, his blood burnt and he tried to get himself under control, knowing Jenyfer would feel everything he felt.
He took several deep breaths, inhaled, held it, then let it go, forcing himself to relax. ‘Did she ever care for me at all?’
‘She cared for the power you would grow to have,’ Merlin answered.
‘And you?’ Ordes’ voice broke.
His father’s eyes filled with sorrow. ‘From the moment you were born, from the moment you opened your eyes and looked at me, everything changed. I could not let her do what she planned – turn you into a weapon she could use to get what she wanted. So I took you and avoided your mother for thirty years. She could have found me and taken you away at any moment.’
‘Why didn’t she?’
‘Biding her time, I guess,’ Merlin said with a sigh. ‘Once you were born, we knew the others would follow. All Niniane had to do was wait, Ordes. And now she knows you have the power I promised her you would…’
‘I’m dead either way, aren’t I?’ Ordes whispered. ‘She’ll kill me to get what she wants, or the Grail will kill me.’
Merlin was so soft that Ordes had to strain to hear. ‘There is one other option. If you were to leave this ship, I would not come looking for you and I would do everything I could to keep your mother from finding you.’
‘What?’ Ordes breathed.
‘It wouldn’t have crossed your mind, son, because you’re a better man than I am. You don’t turn your back on your friends. This time, you should.’
Ordes could barely breathe. ‘And leave them to die? Niniane and Melodias are allied with Mordred. I can’t,’ he added in a hoarse whisper. ‘I wish… can you talk to her? You seem to be the only person on this earth she listens to.’
‘Only because she can’t control me,’ Merlin said. ‘It’s a game to her, Ordes. We’re all pawns in a game, even me.’
‘But—’
‘This is my prophecy. I’ll do what I can to thwart it. I’ve been trying to thwart it since you were born.’
Through it all – the pain, the disbelief, the shock and the terrible numbness that sliced through him – was a heartbeat, echoing alongside his. ‘Jen,’ Ordes whispered.
Jenyfer. Oh gods, Jenyfer.
‘You have seen what she’s capable of and she hasn’t even been trying.
She thinks she has. She thinks what she has already done is all she is, but it’s only a fraction of her power.
Her magic is at the heart of who she is, just as yours is, but she’s a creature of the water.
Her magic is tied to her emotions. Imagine what grief could potentially allow her to do, Ordes. ’
Would she drown the world for you? Ophine’s words, spoken what seemed like years ago.
Ordes took a shuddering breath. ‘Why give her to me so that I can lose her? So that we can lose each other?’
‘I don’t have any power over the heartfire.
That is magic of the most ancient and deepest sort, the magic of the soul.
From the moment you dumped her on the deck of my ship, I knew who she was to you.
I hoped I was wrong, so I encouraged her to leave you.
If she truly was for you then you’d find her again, in here,’ Merlin added, reaching over the table to place his hand over Ordes’ heart.
‘She never left,’ Ordes whispered. ‘She never will.’
Merlin said nothing for a long moment, before he sighed, deeply, wretchedly. ‘I never wanted to be a father. I didn’t think I’d be any good at it. All I wanted was to protect you, to care for you. To love you.’
‘You did,’ Ordes said.
‘If I could change it, Ordes, if I could stop this from happening to you, I would,’ Merlin said earnestly.
‘You’re my son, my world. To give you up is a pain I don’t think I can live with.
’ He ran a hand over his face. ‘I guess I’ll go and see your mother.
I can’t promise anything.’ Regret settled between them. ‘Please don’t be here when I get back.’
Ordes couldn’t make himself nod. He focused on his hands, and when he lifted his head again, his father was gone.
For three days, Ordes couldn’t sleep. His father had torn the very fabric of his world. Every thought in his head seemed too loud. Every muscle felt like it was about to snap and he couldn’t remember what it felt like to be relaxed, to be calm.
There was no foe to defeat in battle, no evil that could be undone, only a horrible and devastating truth that greeted him with the sunrise.
Some mornings it was only the warmth of the woman who slept beside him that kept him from flinging himself from the deck of the ship and into the depths of the ocean.
He was destined to die anyway. Perhaps it might be better to get it over with – some part of him liked the idea of thwarting his father’s plans. But he could not forget the earnest regret on Merlin’s face when he revealed the truth.
Ordes was empty of emotion and full to the brim with it at the same time. He wasn’t sure how long it would be until the dam wall broke and swept him away. Where once there had been a light at the end of the tunnel – a promised future with the woman he loved – now there was only darkness.
He glanced over his shoulder. Jen was awake and watching him, her hair spread across the pillows like an ink stain, her face slowly blurring. Ordes turned back to the window, blinking furiously until his eyes stopped burning.
‘Have you slept at all?’ Jenyfer asked.
Ordes nodded. ‘Dozed for a bit.’ It had taken a supreme effort to hide the knowledge of what was going to happen to him in the deepest corner of his mind, somewhere Jenyfer wouldn’t accidentally find it.
‘Come here,’ Jenyfer coaxed.
He abandoned the porthole and the view of the moonlit ocean to flop onto the bed beside her. Jenyfer curled up against him, humming contentedly, fingers moving over his bare chest. As always, even with the horrible turmoil inside him, her touch was soothing.
Jenyfer pressed an open-mouthed kiss to his chest, then another and another, her mouth moving down his body. When her lips and her fingers reached the waistband of his trousers, he caught her hands gently.
‘What’s wrong?’
Ordes couldn’t see her face but could feel her eyes, and he realised he wanted to see her, every part of her. He conjured a ball of soft, golden light. It hung in the air above them.
‘Nothing. Nothing. Come here. I want to kiss you.’ The moment Ordes said it, he realised how much he did want that. She crawled up his body, shifting over him, her thighs straddling his hips. She reached out and touched his lips. ‘Ordes, what’s wrong?’
‘Nothing,’ he lied. ‘I was just thinking.’
‘About?’
‘About that night you asked me to kiss you, back in Kernou, before any of this had happened.’ He wound his fingers through hers and tugged her towards him. She bent down, her hair falling to brush against his skin, making him shiver.
‘I didn’t ask you,’ she said. ‘Not really anyway. It was only a suggestion.’
‘You wanted to know what it was like to kiss someone,’ Ordes whispered as Jenyfer’s nose trailed along his cheek. ‘Now that you know, tell me what it’s like for you.’
She chuckled. ‘Do you want me to tell you that you’re a fabulous kisser?’
Ordes shivered as her lips ghosted over his. ‘Am I?’
‘Passable,’ Jenyfer murmured, then burst out laughing as he rolled them over and pinned her to the mattress, holding both hands above her head. This was what he was going to miss. A moment like this, where they could just be together.
‘When this is all over,’ she began, and Ordes’ heart pinched, ‘I want to do this. Just be together without anything to worry about. Can we?’
He nodded and made himself smile. ‘Yes, we can.’