Chapter Twenty Allegra #2
I open my mouth to tell her it’s everything I wanted it to be and more, but I can’t form the words, can’t let myself lie to her.
She reaches out a hand, squeezing my forearm. “Can we go get some dinner when you’re done with rehearsal?”
My first instinct is to deny her request, because it would be much easier to go home and sit on my bed and stare at the wall. But I know I should accept, know that I can’t exist like this for much longer. “Sure. That might be nice.”
“I’m not going to let you cancel, Allegra. I’ll be waiting for you out front when you’re done, okay?”
I nod, blinking away tears that have no business forming. “Thank you.”
I can’t say rehearsal is easier knowing that I have something to look forward to afterward, but it does at least pass by faster than it has been recently.
True to her word, Lucy waits for me outside the front doors of the studio when I finish with rehearsal. She doesn’t ask me where I want to go, as if she knows making even the simplest decision might be enough to push me over the edge.
She leads us to a small café and we sit outside in the warm evening air.
It’s almost summer, in those blissful few short weeks when the weather is warm without being overly humid.
I order a sparkling water and Lucy gets a glass of wine.
Before our server can leave the table, I change my order and ask for a glass of wine, too.
Lucy makes small talk until our drinks are delivered, waits for me to take a large swig of wine before she folds her arms on the table and levels me with her insightful stare. “All right, Allegra. Time to fess up. What the hell is going on with you?”
I don’t bother trying to deny her; I let everything spill from me in one convoluted chunk of a story. Lucy doesn’t interrupt, and when I finally finish telling her everything, she doesn’t offer me meaningless platitudes.
She leans back in her chair, arms still folded across her chest. “Shit, Allegra. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I never would have guessed you’d gone and fallen in love with a stripper.”
“He’s not a stripper,” I murmur. My throat is parched after so much talking and I quench my thirst by downing half of my wine. “I’m not in love with him,” I say, the lie obvious even to me.
“So what are you going to do?”
I shrug, stabbing my straw into the ice in my glass of water. “I don’t think there’s anything for me to do. I got the part, that’s the most important thing. Now I need to focus on not fucking up this chance to show David I’m worthy of a full-time promotion.”
Lucy swirls the wine in her glass. “I’m going to say this in the nicest way I know how.”
“That doesn’t bode well.”
She flicks my elbow. “You look fucking miserable, Allegra. And you have ever since you got this part. It might take everyone else a while longer to notice than it’s taken me, but they will notice.”
“I’m sure it’s just a phase. Once I get more comfortable with the new demands, everything will feel a lot better.”
She raises her eyebrows. “We both know it’s not the new ballet making you feel this way.”
I know the new ballet is definitely responsible for a huge chunk of what’s making me feel this way, even if inadvertently, but I don’t bother to correct her. “I’m not going to let a man, a man I wasn’t ever even in a real relationship with, derail my entire career, Luce.”
“I would never suggest you do. But clearly, this isn’t working for you.”
“What isn’t working for me?” Maybe if I play dumb, she’ll get tired of this line of questioning and leave me alone.
Instead, she shoots me down with a single glare. “You and Cord. You not being with Cord. It’s making you miserable, and if you don’t do something about it, it’s going to start affecting your performance, so if nothing else, you need to handle the situation for the sake of your career.”
“He hasn’t even tried to contact me since the wedding.”
“You mean the wedding where he opened his heart and told you his most painful secret?”
“Only because he got caught and called out.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe he’s scared.” She leans her elbows on the table. “Normally I’d be the first to call that line a crock of shit when it’s coming from a man, but I think in this case, it might actually apply.”
“Why would he be scared?” I ask, hoping she can convince me. Hoping there’s some way to fix all of this, some way for me to keep Cord and the ballet.
“Think about it, Allegra. He went through this terrible situation with his sister, the person closest to him in the world. Now think about the things you’ve told him about David, the things he had to have inferred.
You think he wants to let himself get close to someone who already has a relationship with her director that mirrors the one his sister had with her abuser? ”
My breath catches in my chest as Lucy lays it all out there for me. The comparison between David and the choreographer who assaulted Chloe makes my skin crawl, but she’s not wrong. Even though things with David have never fully crossed the line, he’s definitely prodded that line to its full extent.
Of course Cord would be wary of putting himself in another situation where someone he cares about could get hurt.
“You’re right,” I admit, finishing off my glass of wine. “But I think all you’ve proven is that the two of us have no business being together.”
She shrugs. “I don’t know, Allegra. I find it hard to believe you guys can’t find some kind of middle ground. Maybe he just needs to know that you want him to be there for you.”
“Or maybe he was right to walk away. Maybe if I care for him, I should respect his decision and give him his space.” It would be easier that way.
Even if not seeing him right now is making me miserable, I know it will get better with time.
I know I’ll feel his absence in my life a little less each day.
“Did he ask for space?”
“He said we should take a couple of days to think about things, but then I never heard from him.”
She levels me with a look. “And how many times have you tried calling him?”
I ignore that pointed not-question. “What do you think I should do?”
Lucy gives me a knowing smile. “You know what to do.” She signals for the check and pays for the whole thing before I even have a chance to get my card out of my wallet.
“Look, there’s a small chance that I’m reading this situation all wrong.
Maybe Cord really does need this space from you, even if I’m sure it’s hurting both of you in the moment.
” She signs the receipt and turns her full attention on me.
“But don’t you think you owe it to yourself to try? ”
I don’t answer her rhetorical question because I know she expects a resounding yes and I can’t give it to her. I don’t know if I owe it to myself to try. I don’t know if I can handle it if Cord rejects me, if he doesn’t want me the same way I want him.
And I don’t know what I would say to him if he asked me to choose between him and this ballet.
No. That’s a lie. I know what I would choose.
I don’t want Cord to get hurt and that feels like an almost inevitable conclusion. But maybe Lucy is right. Maybe Chloe is right. Maybe I owe it to the both of us to at least try.