Chapter Twenty-One Cord
Twenty-One
Cord
“No. That’s not it. That was all wrong.”
Noah sets down the pretty dancer he had lifted over his head. His shoulders are tense and he levels me with a glare. “I think maybe it’s time to call it a night.”
I run a hand through my hair, tugging on the ends in frustration. “I want to get this right.”
“Clearly something isn’t working here. Let’s let Ivy go, it’s getting late. We can start fresh next rehearsal.” Noah nods to Ivy, the dancer we hired to perform the piece I originally choreographed on Allegra. Choreographed with Allegra.
Which may or may not have something to do with the reason why none of this feels right.
It’s been three weeks since the wedding and I haven’t heard from her.
Thanks to Chloe, I know she got the part.
When my sister told me the news, I was so elated it felt as if the good news were my own.
Then the realization quickly set in. Even after all we went through to get there, Allegra didn’t call me when she found out she got the part.
That ripped out what was left of my heart.
I don’t know what I expected when I left Bethany’s wedding, but in my mind, it didn’t have to be goodbye forever. Just goodbye while we both think about this and figure out what we want to do.
Allegra has made it pretty clear what she wants to do. And so, even though I was willing to put everything from my past aside and give it a shot, I don’t think I have any other choice but to respect her wishes.
Ivy scampers out of the studio the moment Noah gives her the go-ahead and I mentally curse myself. I never wanted to be one of those directors, and here I am, taking out my own issues on an innocent dancer.
When the door closes behind her, I sink into one of the armchairs in the sitting area, my head falling into my hands.
Noah sits down next to me but doesn’t say anything. His silence is a gift, but I know it won’t last for long.
“I’ll apologize to Ivy.”
“Good.”
We sit there and I know he’s waiting for me to say something, to open up and tell him what’s going on, but if I voice it all out loud, that will make it real and then I might have to actually address my feelings.
“You know I will sit here all night if that’s what it takes.”
I sigh, sitting up and leaning back in the chair. “I know. There’s no point in trying to out-stubborn you.”
He grins. “Glad my reputation is well established. So…what the fuck was that all about?”
“I think that was mostly about one Allegra Hart.”
“Yeah, I figured that much out on my own. How about you tell me what actually happened?”
A quick glance at Noah shows he’s leaned forward in his seat, ready to listen, and if history is any indication, probably offer me some damn good advice. So I spill. I tell him everything, putting my feelings for Allegra into words that I haven’t even been able to express to Chloe.
Noah doesn’t say a word, though he does reach out to grasp my shoulder at one point and it’s a point of solidarity I desperately need.
When I finally finish, Noah leans back in his seat and whistles low under his breath. “Shit man. Your life these days is looking a lot like the telenovelas my abuela used to make me watch after school.”
I wish he were wrong. “Yeah. I know. There’s a lot of things about ballet I don’t miss, and the constant company gossip is one of them. And yet, here I am again, wrapped up in ballet drama.”
“What are you going to do?”
I glare at him. “I thought the point of telling you all my problems was so that you could solve them for me.”
He shrugs. “I’m not a miracle worker.”
I search for something to throw at him, but nothing is within easy reach. “All right then. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?”
“Technically I would never be in your shoes because I wouldn’t have let Allegra’s career keep me from being with her.” He smirks but then tempers his attitude. “I also didn’t have the experience with ballet that you and Chloe did.”
“So helpful, thank you.”
Noah leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
“Look, man, I don’t think anyone aside from you and Allegra can figure this out.
Maybe she’s taken some space and realized she doesn’t have time for a relationship while she’s working on this new ballet.
That blows, but it doesn’t mean the two of you have no shot in the future.
” He reaches over and pats my knee, harder than he needs to.
“So maybe in the meantime, you need to focus on figuring out if you want to be with her, and if you do, how you can manage it without it damaging your mental health.”
I sit with that for a second. “Fuck, man, that was actually good advice.”
He grins, his bright white teeth sparkling. “I know.” He stands and gathers his things, giving me a half-hearted noogie on his way out the door. “Let me know if you need the name of a good therapist!”
I don’t actually need the name of a good therapist because I already have one of my own.
Granted, I haven’t seen her in a while. Once Chloe and I got settled in our new careers in New York, with all of our problems in the past and on the other side of the country, I didn’t really need the weekly check-ins.
Now, I am in desperate need of one.
I schedule an in-office meeting, taking the first available appointment, which means I’m up early a few days after my conversation with Noah.
The waiting room hasn’t changed much in the years since I’ve been here, still done up in neutrals with bland art hanging on the walls and fake plants situated in the corners. Because I’m the first appointment of the day, I don’t have to wait long before Dr. Leeds shows me into her office.
The interior is more of the same, the boring tones of the lobby repeated.
I settle myself on a beige armchair and Dr. Leeds takes the one across from me. There’s also a small sofa, but sitting there always made me feel like I was in therapy in a movie, not in real life.
Dr. Leeds, a middle-aged white woman who reminds me of my mother—in a good way—smiles warmly as we both settle into our seats. “It’s good to see you again, Cord.”
I return the smile. “Thanks. You too. Though I guess I wouldn’t be seeing you if everything were going well.”
“Therapy doesn’t always have to be for when things are wrong. Maintenance is important, too.”
“Right.” I stretch out my legs, running my hands over my thighs to adjust my pants. “Unfortunately, I’m not here for maintenance.”
She nods, opening her notebook and reaching for a pen. “Why don’t you tell me why you’re here then?”
“I met a girl. A woman, I mean. I met a woman and I really like her.”
Dr. Leeds keeps nodding, her eyes studying me so intently that I focus on the painting behind her.
“And she’s great, it all could be great. Except she’s a ballerina.”
“Ah.” It’s a simple sound of acknowledgment, but it holds weight.
“Yeah. And not only that, from what I can gather of her current director, she is dealing with some harassment issues.”
Dr. Leeds raises one eyebrow. “What kind of harassment are we talking about?”
“She insists he’s never crossed the line, but I called her one night when she was leaving the theater and it sounded like she was escaping a situation that might not have ended well.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
I huff out a mirthless laugh. “Triggered. Really fucking triggered. If I could, I would have gone down to the theater and given that asshole a piece of my mind.”
“But you didn’t.”
I look at her, her calm expression helping to soothe my racing heartbeat. “No. I didn’t.”
“Why not? You know who this guy is and where he works, why didn’t you go give him a piece of your mind?”
“Because she wouldn’t want me to do that. And it’s not my place.”
Dr. Leeds nods and jots something down on her notepad. “All right then. Where do things stand with the two of you now?”
I run a hand through my hair. “Nowhere, I guess. I ended up telling her everything about my past, she ended up getting this lead role, and we haven’t spoken in almost three weeks.”
She keeps nodding. “Now, let me ask you this. Are you here today because you want me to give you permission to have a relationship with this woman?”
I open my mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. “I don’t think I need permission necessarily.”
“You don’t need it, but is it something you are looking for?”
I let out a long breath. “I think what I’m looking for is some indication of whether or not it would be unhealthy for me to be with her.”
“I can’t answer that for you, Cord.”
“Come on, doc, for the amount of money I’m paying you,” I say with a smile.
She ignores that. “What I can tell you is this. In order for you to have a healthy relationship, with anyone, you must communicate. It sounds like you have taken the first steps as far as that is concerned, by telling her about your past.”
I nod, failing to mention I really only told Allegra because her mother forced my hand.
“But I think you also need to realize that communication might not be enough. The truth of the matter is sometimes people’s lives are simply incompatible.”
It’s the exact opposite of what I want to hear. “But isn’t love supposed to conquer all?”
She shrugs. “Perhaps it can, but I don’t think it’s helpful to sugarcoat the situation. She has a job that holds a lot of trauma for you. It doesn’t sound like she is going to be giving that up anytime soon.”
“I wouldn’t want her to.” I know how hard she has worked, know how much this opportunity means to her.
“So you have to figure out if you are willing to give her the space to be in a career that is going to upset you sometimes.”
“And if I’m not?” I realize as I sit here that I want to be. I want the chance to try this with Allegra, if she is willing to have me. But wanting it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m ready for it.
“Then maybe now isn’t the right time.” Dr. Leeds sets aside her notebook. “Or maybe she’s not the right person.”
Something deep in my gut recoils at those words.
Maybe now isn’t the right time. Maybe I need to focus on doing some more work internally before we give this another go.
The last thing I want is to be the reason Allegra begins to resent something she loves with her whole heart, and I don’t know if I’m capable of not letting my past with ballet color how I feel about it in the present.
But there’s something lodged right in my chest, letting me know she is definitely the right person. It hurts too much to think otherwise.