Chapter 14
14
Lijah had taken off in pursuit of Aidan almost straight away, but he hadn’t been able to catch him. He’d headed down the corridor that led outside to the hospital’s main car park, but there’d been no sign of him and peering into cars had only earnt him funny looks, a few of the occupants doing a double take when they clearly realised they recognised him from somewhere. He didn’t need to get into one of those all-too-familiar conversations right now.
‘Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Lijah Byrne?’ Or, ‘I’m sure I recognise you from somewhere, do you work in the Co-op on the high street?’
He needed to find Aidan and persuade him that no matter how difficult it might be to face the prospect of losing someone, not being there if the worst happened would be infinitely worse. Lijah knew that better than anyone.
Heading back to the hospital, he stopped at a sign pointing the way to various wards and departments. He barely knew Aidan, so how the hell was he supposed to work out which way he’d gone? Suddenly his gaze landed on two words: Hospital Chapel . That had to be worth a shot. It was where Lijah had gone when he’d got the news that his mum had collapsed. Well not exactly a hospital chapel, but the multi-faith prayer room at LAX, the airport he’d headed straight to when he’d got the call and had discovered the next plane he could get on wouldn’t leave for three hours. He’d prayed then, for the first time in as long as he could remember. He’d done it again when he’d got to Scotland, in the chapel at Broadford Hospital, but he hadn’t even known what he was praying for. His beloved mum was already gone by then and nothing could bring her back. Lijah had been desperate for something, anything, to alleviate the crushing pain of knowing he’d never hear her voice again, never be able to ask her advice, or get folded into one of her hugs that had the power to make everything feel right.
There’d been no divine intervention, but he’d been able to breathe at least and that was enough. Just breathing in and out was all he could hope for without his mother. If he could just keep going, keep working, he thought he might find a way through it. It was the moment he’d decided to press ahead with his ill-fated tour in the wake of her death, as a way of trying to avoid his grief.
Lijah’s pace quickened as he headed towards the chapel, moving too fast for anyone to speak to him, even if they did recognise him. Amy had looked devastated when Aidan had disappeared, and he’d been torn between wanting to comfort her and going after him. For once he wanted to be the one who found a way to make things better for her, rather than the other way around. Lijah had leaned on Amy often during the three years they’d been together. The only time she’d needed him in the same way had been when her father had been taken seriously ill, ironically with a heart problem, like the one that had killed his mother. The rest of the time, he’d been the one who’d always seemed to need her more.
Reaching the door of the chapel, it suddenly dawned on Lijah that he had no idea what he was going to say to Aidan, even if he was inside. How was he supposed to persuade this stranger to come with him? He had to try, for Amy’s sake as well as Aidan’s.
Going inside, he spotted Aidan straight away. He was sitting on the front pew, his head buried in his hands. Aidan was clearly desperate to be a father, and to give his child everything he could, most of all love, and now that might be denied to him. Sometimes life was so unfair.
‘Hi.’ Lijah’s voice was low as he drew level with where Aidan was sitting, but his head still jolted back in shock, his face deathly pale and his eyes red rimmed.
‘I don’t know what I’m doing here.’ Aidan’s words mirrored the thoughts that had been going through Lijah’s mind when he’d sought solace in the chapel on the day of his mother’s death. ‘I don’t even think I believe in all of this. All the church has been to me, is an axe for my father to grind, but I don’t know what else to do.’
‘Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but hope and pray, even if you’re not sure there’s anyone listening to your prayers.’ Lijah was trying desperately to find the right words to offer some comfort, and to avoid saying anything that might cause Aidan even more pain. ‘But there is something you can do this time. You can be there for Ellen, and for Jase. Whatever happens they both need you, and I think you need them too. If you’re sitting here, and the worst does happen, it won’t make it any less painful, it’ll just layer guilt on top of everything else. And if the baby comes without you being there, you’ll never get a second chance to witness those first moments, and you’ll be filled with regret, even if everything’s okay. I know it’s scary having to face what might be happening with Ellen and the baby, but there’s no upside to staying here.’
‘I can’t let Ellen see me like this. I don’t want her to think that all I’m worried about is the baby, because that’s not true, but I can’t hide the fact that the thought of losing the baby is killing me. Jase has had to be strong for me so many times in the past, but he’s going to need me now and I’m just going to let him down.’
‘Just being there is enough. I promise you the only way you’ll let him down is if you aren’t there.’
‘Do you think…?’ Aidan swallowed hard. ‘From what you saw, do you think Ellen and the baby will be okay?’
‘Her leg seemed to have taken the brunt of the impact, but she was stable by the time they brought her in. So yeah, I think they’re both going to be okay.’ He was still offering assurances he had no qualifications to make, but he knew it was what Aidan needed to hear and if it persuaded him to get back to the emergency department right now, that was all that mattered. Lijah might not be certain that Ellen and the baby would be okay, but he didn’t have a shred of doubt that Aidan needed to be there, whatever the outcome, and that he’d regret it to his dying day if he wasn’t.
‘Will you walk back with me?’ Aidan looked at him. ‘I’m not sure I trust myself to make it there otherwise.’
‘Of course I will.’ Lijah held out a hand to the man sitting in front of him, a virtual stranger he somehow felt an instant connection with, and pulled him to his feet. Aidan might be about to go through the toughest moment of his life, or he might be about to experience the greatest joy he’d ever known and finally fulfil his wish of becoming a father. Either way he wouldn’t be facing it alone, and Lijah was more certain than ever that all that really mattered in life was having someone to share the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows with. And he wanted that for himself.
* * *
‘Where’s Aidan?’ It was the first thing Jase asked when he got to the hospital. Amy’s shift had officially ended about twenty minutes after Ellen was admitted, so she was waiting for him when he arrived.
‘He freaked out when I told him about Ellen’s accident.’ Amy repeated what she’d told Meg, and Jase gave a shuddering sigh.
‘He’s not the only one.’ He clawed at the collar of his jumper, and Amy could see how terrified he was. He and Aidan were so close to fulfilling their dream, and now there was a chance it would all be snatched away. ‘I don’t know what we’ll do if we lose the baby, she’s already our whole life. I’m not sure we’ll be able to carry on.’
‘Oh Jase, it’s going to be okay.’ Amy put her arms around him. ‘They’re preparing Ellen for theatre now.’
‘I need Aidan, whatever happens.’ His eyes filled with tears as he pulled away again. ‘He doesn’t even know we’re having a girl. He wanted a surprise, but I just had to know. I couldn’t wait and I didn’t understand how Aidan could, but he said he wanted to make it even more special. The sonographer gave me an envelope and I was terrified I was going to let it slip. That’s been my main worry for months; I never dreamed that something like this would happen.’ Jase’s voice caught on the words. ‘It’s so stupid, because it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that I’ve got Aidan and our baby girl. They’re everything to me.’
‘We’re having a girl?’ Aidan’s voice behind them made Amy jump, and she sprang away from Jase, as though they’d been caught doing something underhand. Her breath quickened when she realised Lijah was with him.
‘Yes, we’re having a girl.’ Jase nodded, a sob escaping from his throat. ‘Oh God, please let her be okay, I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to her, or to you. You can’t freak out on me now, I need you.’
‘I know.’ Aidan held his arms out to his husband and the two of them clung together. They were in the eye of the storm, but they had something to cling to, and that’s what would get them through whatever happened with Ellen and the baby. It would break their hearts if they lost their daughter, but they would find a way to carry on because they had a reason to, and that reason was each other. Amy turned to look at Lijah and, as their eyes locked, her stomach somersaulted. Oh no. This was not happening. She was not letting Lijah back into the place in her heart that had never belonged to anyone else. Except it seemed she didn’t really have a choice and, when he stepped forward and reached for her hand, the somersault went into freefall. This wasn’t good, this wasn’t good at all, not if she wanted to stand a chance of protecting herself from getting hurt again. Amy just hoped it was the emotion of the moment, because she couldn’t allow this to happen. Either way now wasn’t the time to worry about it, because she needed to make sure Aidan and Jase were with Ellen.
‘You guys should get up to theatre; they’re about to take Ellen in for her C-section.’
‘Are they going to let us both in?’ Aidan gave Amy a look of pure desperation. He was always kidding around and making jokes, but he looked like a different man, his mouth turned down at the corners. All she could do was hope that within the next hour he’d have a reason to smile like he’d never smiled before.
‘Ameera said as far as anyone is concerned, you’re staff, you’re in there as a theatre assistant, which means Jase gets to be Ellen’s birthing partner, but you’re both going to miss it if you don’t get up there right now.’ Her tone was firm. She knew the urgency in her voice was probably the best way to try and counter their fear. Whatever the outcome, they both needed to be with Ellen.
‘Will you come and wait outside?’ Aidan’s face searched hers. ‘I don’t want to call anyone until we know what’s happening, but I might need you to phone around for me if?—’
It was another sentence Aidan couldn’t finish, but he didn’t have to, and Amy nodded, her hand still in Lijah’s. She knew she should have let it go, but she couldn’t, because she needed someone in that moment too. If Aidan and Jase got bad news, they’d need her, but suddenly she wasn’t sure she was strong enough unless she had Lijah’s support.
‘Can you come too?’ She kept her voice low and Lijah squeezed her hand as he nodded. She was going to have to release his hand eventually, but she couldn’t have let go in that moment if her life had depended on it.
* * *
Aidan and Jase had been rushed through to get changed into scrubs for theatre and the corridor outside the theatre was quiet. There was a row of four seats halfway down, about twenty metres away from the double doors that Aidan and Jase had disappeared through. Amy had explained to Lijah that only emergency surgery would take place at this time in the evening, and it felt eerily silent, almost deserted, as the two of them sat and waited for news.
‘How did you persuade Aidan to come back?’
‘He was worried that he wouldn’t be able to give Ellen or Jase the support they needed and that him being there might somehow make things worse. I said sometimes all people need is for you to be there, and that’s enough.’
‘Sometimes it really is enough.’ She was looking at him like she wanted to say something else, and he had an almost overwhelming desire to reach out and touch her face. They’d held hands all the way from the main entrance to the hospital, but they’d broken off to hug Aidan and Jase and wish them luck, and it was like the spell had been broken too. His fingers had twitched with the desire to reach for her hand again. Instead, he’d rested his hands on his legs.
‘Claire’s moving to Tenerife, she’s met someone.’ He needed to talk to someone about his aunt leaving, someone who understood why that had left him feeling as though the last of the roots he had in Port Kara had been wrenched from the ground.
‘I know.’ She smiled. ‘We still chat and meet up for coffee every once in a while too. She told me all about Dee, and it’s so nice to see her smile again after losing your mum.’
‘I should have known you wouldn’t stop visiting, just because Mum was gone.’ Lijah sighed, wishing he could say the same about himself.
‘In a way it was always easier spending time with Claire than with your mum.’ She shook her head when he widened his eyes in surprise. ‘I really loved Maria, but sometimes seeing her made me miss you more, especially when she seemed determined to try and convince me that you’d be back eventually and that we’d pick up where we left off. When I said we needed to split up, to give you a chance to make a go of things, I held on to that hope too, for far longer than I should have done. Then when your career started to go crazy, I had to accept that our moment had passed. But your mum still kept insisting that you’d come home eventually because of me, and that was hard to hear when…’ Her words drifted away to nothing.
‘When what?’ He couldn’t stop himself from asking the question. He didn’t know what she was going to say, but he knew what he wanted it to be.
‘When that’s what I still wanted too, deep down: for you to come home.’ She looked at him and he couldn’t hold back the smile that was tugging at the corners of his mouth. This had been exactly what he’d wanted to hear, but she shook her head again. ‘I knew it could never work. You lived in a whole different world, surrounded by people as famous and successful as you. Mine was the ordinary, mundane life you’d wanted to escape from, and I know the only way you’d come back here was if something went horribly wrong with your new life. So I stopped wishing for that, because you were living the life you’d always wanted.’
‘I never thought of your life as ordinary or mundane. I missed everything about Port Kara, especially—’ He’d been about to tell Amy that she’d been what he’d missed the most, but she didn’t let him finish, cutting him off by standing up.
‘I’m going to get a drink; do you want one?’ It was clear by her tone and her decision to remove herself from the situation that this conversation was over. The last thing he wanted was to put any pressure on her, especially when she was already so worried about the baby.
‘I’ll go.’ He moved to stand up, but she put a hand on his shoulder.
‘No, I need a minute. I’ve got to call Mum and let her know I’ll be back late for Monty.’
‘Tea would be great then, thank you.’ Maybe it was for the best that she hadn’t let him finish. He needed to process his own thoughts. Losing his mother and then hearing that his aunt was moving away had done something strange to him. It was as if he was desperate to cling to the last vestiges of his past, and all of that now suddenly seemed to be wrapped up in Amy. That was a lot to put on her, he was a mess right now, and she deserved so much better than that. He didn’t want to cause her any pain, even accidentally. He had to be certain of his plans before he told her just how much seeing her again had affected him.
‘Still one and a half spoons of sugar?’ She smiled, lifting some of the tension between them, and he couldn’t believe she remembered, even as she teased him about the reason. ‘One isn’t sweet enough, but two is far too sweet. That was always your justification for being so awkward, wasn’t it? Still Goldilocks then! It’s good to know some things never change.’
‘No, some things never do.’ He returned her smile, but she had no idea he wasn’t just talking about the way he took his tea, and he wasn’t going to tell her, at least not until he’d got everything straight in his head. But as he watched her walk away to get the drinks, he felt more confused than ever.
Amy was back within a few minutes, clutching two cardboard takeaway cups and as she came back down the corridor towards him, suddenly there was no doubt left in his mind. He still had really strong feelings for Amy, and he was almost sure it wasn’t just because he felt rootless. The trouble was, he had no idea whether acting on those feelings would be the right thing for her, or whether she’d even be interested.
‘Here you go, Goldilocks.’ She laughed as she passed him the drink and the urge to kiss her was so powerful he had to grip the edge of his seat with his other hand, to stop himself from acting on it.
‘She’s here! She’s okay and she’s here!’ Aidan’s shout reached all the way down the corridor and Lijah looked up to see him thundering towards them, just before he scooped Amy into his arms and spun her around, coffee cup and all.
‘Oh my God that’s brilliant, I’m so happy for you both.’ She was already crying as Aidan finally set her down, and tears were pricking Lijah’s eyes too. He barely knew this man, but there was a wave of emotion welling up inside him all the same.
‘She’s beautiful Ames, you should see her. She’s got loads of hair and the most amazing eyes. She’s tiny, only four and a half pounds, but she’s absolutely perfect. Thank you so much for making sure I didn’t miss it.’ He planted a kiss on her cheek and then reached down towards Lijah, doing the same to him. ‘You too Lijah. I mean any other time I’d have been totally star struck, but what you did today… making me see how stupid I was being. I can never thank you enough.’
‘I didn’t do anything special, I’m just so glad things worked out.’ Lijah shrugged. ‘I feel really lucky I got to be part of something so amazing.’
‘I want you both to meet her as soon as you’re allowed, but right now I’ve got to get back to my husband and my baby girl, because I miss them already.’ Aidan wasn’t even trying to hold back the tears any more, but he was smiling too.
‘Get yourself back in there. The introductions to your beautiful daughter can wait. Just not too long, okay?’ Amy hugged him again, and then he turned and ran back down the corridor in the opposite direction, as Lijah got to his feet.
‘How amazing is that?’ He looked at Amy and she nodded, her eyes glassy.
‘It wasn’t nothing, you know, what you did for Aidan. You don’t even know him, but you still managed to make him see sense. I’m not sure many people could have done that, and I’m so glad you did.’ She leaned towards him as if she was about to follow Aidan’s lead and plant a kiss on his cheek, but then she moved her head slightly so that their lips met. All the feelings he’d been trying not to act upon came rushing to the fore again, and suddenly he was holding her and kissing her as if he’d been waiting a decade to do it again, and it turned out he had. It felt so right and all of the doubts and questions seemed to fade away in that moment, because he was incapable of thinking about anything else when he was kissing Amy. Just like he always had been.