Chapter 17
17
Lijah hadn’t stopped thinking about the kiss he’d shared with Amy. It had brought back memories of falling in love for the first time, and it seemed to have reignited his desire to write music again, something that had all but deserted him since his mother’s death. He’d been trying to force it since returning to Port Kara, but all the lyrics had been downbeat, with a hidden undercurrent of loss, even when his grief wasn’t spelled out in the song itself.
He was meeting Amy today so that they could go through Monty’s routine, before he began helping out properly. After they’d kissed, Lijah had wanted them to go out on a proper date, and at first she’d seemed keen. But within two days she’d backed out, blaming work and acting as if the kiss hadn’t even happened, despite him being sure it had broken down the barrier between them. She’d finally agreed to meet him in her lunch break and, when she’d said there wouldn’t be time to get to a restaurant, he’d told her that he’d bring in some lunch for them.
‘I won’t have long, maybe enough for a quick sandwich from the hospital shop at best.’ She’s sounded so reluctant, he’d almost told her not to worry, and that she could just write down everything he needed to know about Monty. Except the thought of not seeing her had made his chest ache, so he’d decided to try and do something to remind her of just how good things used to be. He’d made her the same lunch he’d made on a day he’d never be able to forget, and he just hoped the memories it triggered would be just as special to her. Either way it had to be worth a shot.
Lijah was already waiting on the bench, fifteen minutes before Amy was due to have her lunch break. She’d warned him she might be late, but he’d wanted to make sure he was there when she came out. He was wearing a baseball cap, pulled low down over his eyes, which made it a lot easier for him to keep a low profile. Normally Nick would accompany him, or there’d be a bodyguard with him, which he hated. But now that Nick was spending every spare moment he could with Dolly, Lijah had put his foot down and said he didn’t want a bodyguard while he was back home. Port Kara was the one place he wanted to be able to feel like the old Lijah, and he was prepared to take the risk that presented. He felt safe here, and blending in the way he was right now allowed him to pretend that nothing had ever really changed. But, when he glanced up he realised there was a car hurtling towards him, and the feeling of safety shifted instantly, adrenaline making his scalp prickle.
As he jumped to his feet, unable to believe that this could be happening again, relief flooded his body as the car skidded to a halt in front of him.
‘I’ll get Brenda out, if you can go and let them know we’re coming in please, Wendy.’ Lijah watched as a woman with ash-blonde hair stepped out of the car, and shouted the instruction to another woman who had just got out of the back seat.
‘Okay.’ Wendy disappeared through the doors into the emergency department, and Lijah walked towards the car as the other woman wrestled with a fold up wheelchair that looked too big for the boot of her car.
‘Can I do anything to help?’ He made the offer and she looked up at him, nodding.
‘Yes please. I managed to wedge this thing in here, but I’m not sure how and I can’t seem to get it out. I could do with a bit of muscle.’
‘Sorry, you’ve just got me then. I’m more brain than brawn, trouble is I’m not that clever either.’ Lijah grinned and her shoulders seemed to relax in response, as she looked at him properly for the first time.
‘But you’ve got a sense of humour about yourself, which is worth far more. Are you Lijah Byrne, or do you just really look like him?’
Lijah considered picking the second option for a moment, but then he nodded. ‘That’s me.’
‘I’m Gwen, a friend of Amy’s. She’s told me all about you.’ There was a twinkle in Gwen’s eyes as she looked at him, and he really wanted to ask her what Amy had said. But before he could, she turned back towards the rear passenger door of the car, leaving him to wrestle with the wheelchair.
‘Come on then Brenda let’s get your seatbelt off and get you inside so they can take a look at you.’ Gwen’s tone was gentle but firm, and Lijah had a horrible feeling she’d get Brenda out of the car before he could free the wheelchair. It really was wedged into the boot, forcing him to try and reposition it several times to get the angle right to free it.
‘That’s it, got it.’ Lijah finally managed to get the wheelchair out and set it down, unfolding the seat and clicking the handles into place.
‘Chauffeur service, and they say the NHS is on its knees.’ Brenda smiled at him from her position in the back of the car. ‘The question is, does that service extend to helping one old girl get another even older girl out of the car, because if Gwen tries to lift me she might become a patient too. I usually have to rope my son-in-law in to get me into the wheelchair.’
‘Hey, less of the old girl, Brenda. You speak for yourself!’ Despite her words, Gwen didn’t seem remotely offended. ‘You’re only as old as you feel.’
‘That may be, but eighty-six years of chip butties went into making this body, so I still wouldn’t recommend you try lifting me, even if you feel thirty years younger than you actually are.’
‘I think I’ve met my match in this one.’ Gwen was smiling again as she turned to Lijah. ‘But I don’t want you hurting your back either, so would you mind just making sure Brenda doesn’t try anything silly please, like getting herself out of the car, and I’ll see if I can find a porter to give us a hand.’
‘I thought we’d already established that I’m the muscle around here.’ Lijah took off his hat, putting it on the roof of the car, and mimed rolling up his sleeves. ‘Right then Brenda, let’s do this.’
‘I think I might burst a varicose vein more often, I haven’t had this much attention from a handsome young man since I was in my twenties.’ Brenda looked as though she was really enjoying herself. ‘The only trouble is you really remind me of someone, and I think it’s my grandson. So sadly I don’t think this is going to be the start of something wonderful.’
‘Don’t rule it out before you’ve even given me a chance.’ Lijah grinned before gently helping Brenda to swing her body round, so that her feet lifted over the lip of the car door and she was sitting on the edge of the seat facing outwards. ‘Right, are you ready to stand up? I’ll be there to steady you if you need me.’
‘I’m ready. Ooh it’s almost like we’re dancing.’ Lijah had hooked his arms under hers and she was right, it could have been a slow dance shuffle as he helped her into the wheelchair.
‘Thank you, and if you ever give up the day job, you’ve got a future in portering.’ Gwen gave him a nudge. ‘Although I doubt it pays as well as what you do now.’
‘Please don’t tell me you’re a lawyer, it was going so well between us.’ Brenda wrinkled her nose.
‘No, nothing like that, but I quite fancy the idea of portering, so how about I escort you inside to see if I’ve got what it takes?’ Retrieving his hat, Lijah put it back on his head and pushed the wheelchair towards the entrance of the emergency department, reaching the doors just as Wendy and Amy appeared.
‘Lijah?’ Amy’s face registered her surprise.
‘He’s been such a help.’ Gwen looked from her to Lijah and back again, the look of mischievousness returning to her eyes. ‘I couldn’t get the wheelchair out of the boot and Brenda was struggling to get out of the car too. If it hadn’t been for Lijah, we’d still be out there.’
‘He’s been wonderful.’ Brenda looked at Amy too. ‘And if I was fifty or sixty years younger, I’d definitely ask him for his number.’
‘Looks like you’re the hero of the hour.’ Amy’s expression was hard to read. ‘But I think I can take over from here.’
‘Sounds like a good plan.’ Lijah let go of the handles of the wheelchair and walked around to the front, leaning down to say goodbye to Brenda. ‘You take care of yourself Brenda and make sure those doctors get you sorted.’
‘I think it’s all a lot of fuss over nothing, I bet it’s stopped bleeding now.’ Before anyone could stop her, Brenda gave the bandage on her leg a surprisingly vigorous yank, pulling it downwards and sending a fountain of blood shooting up, making Lijah take the kind of leap to safety that an Olympic long jumper would be proud of.
‘Brenda, I think there might be some people who would have appreciated a warning that they were in danger of being in the splash zone before you took the bandage off.’ Amy didn’t seem remotely fazed, and Lijah watched in amazement as she stopped the bleeding within seconds by temporarily re-dressing the wound. This was what real heroics looked like and it was the kind of thing Amy did every day, with probably far more challenging injuries. Something shifted in his chest as he watched her work, all the feelings he had for her deepening. He opened his mouth to tell her that he thought she was amazing, but she didn’t give him a chance.
‘Let’s get you through to a cubicle then Brenda, I think we’ve established that the bleeding hasn’t stopped.’
‘I hope you get everything sorted.’ Lijah briefly rested a hand on Brenda’s shoulder.
‘Thank you my love and I still think you’re a hero, even if the sight of blood did make you jump like a jack-in-the-box!’ Brenda gave a hearty laugh and when Lijah looked at Amy, he could see the amusement in her eyes too.
‘I’ll come and find you when I can. I don’t think the emergency department is your natural home.’ Amy’s mouth was twitching, as if she was fighting the urge to laugh.
‘Bang goes my idea of becoming a porter then.’ Lijah gave a theatrical sigh. ‘I’ll see you outside when you’re ready. I’ll be on the bench, and I’ve made us lunch.’
‘Perfect.’ Her mouth curved upwards this time and all he could think about was kissing her again.
* * *
Amy was twenty minutes late to meet Lijah and she wasn’t sure whether he’d still be waiting, but he was sitting on the bench where he said he’d be, writing into an A5 hardback notebook. It was like stepping back in time. When they’d first got together, he’d spent lots of time scribbling in notebooks, writing lyrics and making notes of ideas. She’d been fascinated by the way his mind worked and the fact he could create amazing things out of nothing. He’d always had a beautiful face, but he had an even more beautiful mind. She knew that creativity came with a price though, and that he thought more deeply and felt more deeply than most people. There were times when it could torture him, and she could see what his mother’s death had done to him, even from a distance.
Lijah had never spent a lot of time on social media, and he hadn’t posted anything publicly in the time since his mother’s death, but that didn’t stop the press intrusion. She’d seen the photographs of him looking distraught outside his mother’s funeral, when the gutter press had used long range lenses to catch him at his most vulnerable. Then there’d been reports of his performances on the tour he’d embarked on in the wake of her death, his voice breaking in certain songs, and the haunted look that some reports suggested was down to addiction. Amy would have bet all she owned that the haunted look had come from heartbreak, and there’d been so many times she’d thought about reaching out to him. Instead, she’d checked in on him via Claire and had hoped he’d find a way to process his grief, instead of burying it.
‘How’s Brenda?’ When Lijah looked up at Amy, her heart seemed to speed up. After the kiss she’d questioned whether they really could pick up where they’d left off, and a big part of her had really wanted to try. The trouble with Lijah was there was just too much at stake. She couldn’t enjoy a fling with him for whatever it turned out to be, because there were always going to be deep feelings involved when it came to him. If things went any further between them and she let even more of those feelings reignite, it was going to hurt so much when it ended, as it almost certainly would. She just couldn’t risk it, no matter how many memories the kiss had brought back and how attracted she was to Lijah. Within two days of the kiss, she’d decided that going back to keeping him at arms’ length was a far safer bet, but that was much harder to do in person. The draw she felt towards him was almost overpowering, and she sat as far away from him on the bench as it was possible to do.
‘Brenda’s fine. The vein was stitched, it was never going to stop bleeding on its own.’
‘Oh.’ Lijah blanched. ‘I wish visualising that didn’t turn my stomach, but what can I say, I’m a wuss.’
‘Your leap out of the way when the bleeding started did suggest that.’ She grinned, his comment breaking some of the tension that was building up inside her, but when he mirrored her expression her pulse started racing again. This wasn’t good, this wasn’t good at all.
‘I know. I’m pathetic.’ He shrugged, still grinning, and she had to clamp her hand to her side to stop herself from reaching out and touching the dimple that appeared in his left cheek. She’d traced that dimple with her fingertips so many times, when they’d been lying side by side.
Lijah gave a mock sigh. ‘Sadly my complete inability to deal with blood has scuppered my plan to go into portering, so I think it’s going to have to be gardening.’
‘As I recall, you regularly severed the heads of all your mum’s flowers when you mowed the lawn for her. So, I’m not sure that’s for you either.’ Amy lifted her bag on to the bench in the space between them, as if that provided a barrier she wouldn’t be able to cross, no matter how loudly her body screamed at her to do so. She had to listen to her brain and stay where she was.
‘No gardening then either, jeez. Looks like I’m doomed to be a songwriter then.’ He passed her one of the sandwiches, and she took a bite, a memory of one of the most amazing days of her life immediately flooding through her.
‘Is this what I think it is?’
‘What else?’ He smiled that slow smile of his and suddenly she was seventeen again, in the run up to their end of year exams in the first year of sixth form, when the two of them had been at Lijah’s place revising together.
‘As I recall, the first time you made me this sandwich, it was because you had almost no food in the house.’
‘That’s right. Mum and Claire were in Italy, and they’d left me plenty of money to go food shopping, but I’d forgotten to get anything in. It was only after I’d already offered you something to eat that I realised how dire the situation was.’ Lijah shrugged. ‘There I was, desperate to impress you with my culinary skills, and all I had was some bread, half a jar of peanut butter, an apple, and a little bit of cheese. Peanut butter sandwiches seemed far too basic and there wasn’t enough cheese to just use that, so I had to improvise.’
‘Peanut butter, apple and cheese toasties. Who’d have thought that would work, especially cold.’ Heat rose up Amy’s neck at the memory of why they hadn’t eaten the sandwiches when they were hot. She’d been dubious when he’d presented her with his creation all those years ago, but after she’d taken the first bite she’d leaned towards him.
‘It might sound disgusting, but it tastes amazing,’ Their faces had been just inches apart as she spoke. ‘In fact, I’d say it deserves a chef’s kiss.’
‘I’d rather have one of yours.’ Lijah’s voice had been low, and he’d held her gaze. They’d been going out for almost a year by then, and even though they’d kissed hundreds of times, they’d never had sex. Lijah had gone out with other girls before Amy, but when they eventually slept together, it would be the first time for both of them. The fact that they were home alone with no chance of disturbance seemed to heighten the intimacy and suddenly it felt as if the moment might be right. They’d taken their relationship quite slowly and Lijah had never pushed her to take things further, but it was Amy who made the first move in the end, sliding her hand to the button of his jeans.
‘Are you sure?’ He’d checked and double checked as they’d fumbled awkwardly to undress each other, and she’d nodded every time, still leading the way.
‘Are you?’ She’d laughed at the expression on his face when she’d asked him that, and the look in his eyes had told her all she needed to know, even before he’d nodded.
It hadn’t been perfect that first time, there were awkward moments, neither of them having enough expertise to make it seamless, and both nervous that they were doing it right. Yet somehow it had still been amazing. Now sitting here, it was if it had happened only yesterday, instead of what sometimes felt to Amy like another lifetime altogether.
‘I’ll always be glad that I got the chance to let that sandwich get cold.’ Lijah was holding her gaze again, just like he had that day.
‘Me too.’ The urge to kiss him again almost took over, but somehow she stayed rooted to the spot, at her end of the bench.
‘I probably shouldn’t admit this, but these cold toasties are still my go to when I need something to cheer me up, and I’ve been eating a lot of them lately.’
Lijah’s words were a timely reminder of why Amy shouldn’t give in to her feelings. She couldn’t be the human version of his favourite sandwich, there just to cheer him up during a tough time, until he was ready to move on. Getting tangled up in Lijah’s life would be messy. Amy had been the subject of press scrutiny before, when one of their old school friends had sold a story to a journalist about Amy and Lijah’s teenage romance. The article had made much of the fact that some of Lijah’s songs had almost certainly been written about Amy, whose picture had been positioned side by side with Lijah’s latest girlfriend. It was a comparison Amy didn’t want or need, and she’d hated every moment of the attention it had generated. She wasn’t going to go through all of that again for something that had even less chance of working now than it had before. But every time she looked at Lijah, all of the sensible advice she’d been giving herself seemed to fall out of her head. The best thing she could do was help him realise that Port Kara didn’t hold the answers, in the hope he’d leave before she did something really stupid. She had to remind him where he really belonged.
‘Now that your plans to become a porter have been derailed, maybe you should consider getting a food truck selling these toasties, although we both know you were born to be a musician. I remember your mum telling me that when she was pregnant, you used to kick like mad as soon as she put some music on.’
‘I love that you know those stories.’ He sounded genuinely touched and as she finally raised her gaze to meet his, her stupid, rebellious body reacted again. ‘No one else I meet from now on is ever going to hear those stories from Mum, or know her like you do. I don’t want to lose touch with you again, Ames. Promise me we won’t do that.’
‘I could make that promise, but once you’re back out on the road…’ It was her turn to shrug, even if the gesture felt anything but casual. ‘You’ll forget all about me.’
‘I could never do that.’ His voice was low, and she had to press her body into the bench, to stop herself edging closer to him.
‘How long are you planning on staying anyway?’ Her words sounded sharp, as if she couldn’t wait to see the back of him and in a way that was true, but not for the reasons he might think.
‘Are you trying to get rid of me?’ Amy had expected a smile to accompany his words, but she realised he was frowning. She might be desperate to protect herself, but that didn’t mean she wanted to hurt Lijah in the process.
‘Of course not.’ She bit her lip. She couldn’t tell him the reason she wanted him to leave, not without giving herself away.
‘I know you probably think Port Kara will be a worse place with me here. The press have a way of turning everything into a circus.’ Lijah sounded exhausted and her heart seemed to constrict, as if she could feel his pain in a physical way.
Suddenly she wanted him to know that what he’d done today had made a difference to people. ‘Port Kara isn’t worse for having you around. You might not be cut out for a career in medicine, but it was so lovely that you helped Brenda and Gwen.’
‘Anyone would have done that.’
‘No, they wouldn’t.’ This time she couldn’t stop herself from lifting off her bag and sliding down the bench towards him. ‘I only met Brenda today, but she’s a real character and she’s got a very soft spot for you now. I’ve known Gwen a long time, she volunteers at the hospital and is normally a firecracker too, but there’s something going on that she clearly isn’t ready to tell me about. Today, when she and Brenda were talking about you was the first time I’ve seen her looking anything like her old self in a while. I think the sight of you leaping six feet into the air gave them both a reason to smile.’
‘I’m glad to be of service.’ Lijah laughed, the melancholy that had seemed to cloak him disappearing. ‘To be honest it felt good, helping someone out. I wish I could do more stuff like that. Not just donating money, or promoting a charity, but helping in a practical way.’
‘Why don’t you then?’ Amy was almost certain she knew the answer to her question, but she couldn’t help hoping there was a solution that would allow Lijah to lead some kind of normal life. Then maybe, just maybe, he might be able to stay after all.
‘Without wanting to sound like a total dick, it’s hard when people just see a celebrity and not a person. They’re not interested in the real me.’ Lijah pulled a face. ‘God, that really does make me sound like a dick, doesn’t it? But I just want to get stuck in and do something that really helps, like everyone else.’
‘Brenda didn’t recognise you and I suspect a lot of people of her generation wouldn’t know who you are.’ Amy took a deep breath, wondering if what she was about to suggest was ridiculous, but if Lijah meant what he’d said, maybe it wasn’t so crazy after all. ‘Aidan has decided he wants to do something as a way of saying thank you for the baby’s safe arrival. We came up with this idea of a kind of all-year-round version of A Christmas Carol. But our version of focusing on the past, the present and the future is to create projects to help those in need across at least three generations. There are so many elderly people who need support, anything from practical help in their homes, to combating loneliness. So if you really want to, you could get involved with that. But I know you’re busy with the album, not to mention helping out with Monty so…’
She’d given him a get-out-of-jail-free card, but he was already nodding. ‘I’m not too busy and I’d love to help, if I can.’
‘That’s great.’ She couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and taking his hand, squeezing it hard to try and counter what felt like the jolt of electricity passing through her body.
‘It would be nice to meet some new people who I know for certain like me for me. I haven’t had that in a long time.’ Lijah grinned suddenly. ‘Or maybe they’ll hate my guts, but at least I’ll know it’s real.’
‘It must be hard having to question people’s motivations all the time.’ Even as Amy thought how much safer it would be if she let go of his hand, she found herself stroking her thumb across his palm instead. It was hardly fifty shades of grey, barely even one shade of vanilla, but there was something so intimate about it and, when their eyes met again, she knew she’d lost the battle.
‘I hate that I have to doubt everyone I meet and I’ve missed this, us , more than I could ever explain.’ Lijah was still looking at her, but Amy couldn’t trust herself to answer. If she did, she was going to blurt out that she’d missed this more than she’d ever have believed possible. She needed to act as if she’d accepted that this thing between them would eventually end, that it was just a fling to be enjoyed while it lasted, to prove to themselves they’d never have gone the distance. That way she might stand a tiny chance of believing her own act and, when whatever this was ended – which it undoubtedly would – it might not completely destroy her. Leaning forward, she kissed Lijah hard, letting her actions do the talking. Suddenly she knew she was willing to pay the price she’d inevitably have to pay, because doing anything else would have meant walking away from Lijah for good, right now, and that was the one thing she just couldn’t do.