Chapter 18
18
Lijah had spent three days at Amy’s place, supposedly keeping an eye on Monty, even though the little dog was already zooming around as if nothing had happened. Amy lived in a lovely sunny garden flat in a converted Georgian house. She had a walled garden and the interior of the flat was exactly as Lijah would have imagined it. There was a big squashy sofa, with brightly patterned cushions, and a huge colourful painting that dominated one wall, facing a set of oak shelves with collections of books, plants and quirky ornaments arranged haphazardly. It felt warm and welcoming, and a little bit chaotic, but in the most charming way. It was so like Amy herself, but Lijah suspected she had no idea just what a beautiful space she’d created, just like she had no idea how beautiful she was, but then she’d never been able to see herself the way he could. His breakout hit had been written about her inability to recognise how wonderful she was, and nothing had changed in the past decade.
The attraction between them was as strong as ever, but when he’d tried to talk to her about where they went from here, she’d shut down the promises he’d wanted to make about doing whatever it took to give them a proper chance this time around.
‘Let’s not talk about the future. We just need to enjoy the moment. You don’t know what you’ll be doing in three months’ time, let alone a year from now. Coming back to Port Kara must make it easy to remember all the good times, but it was never enough for you.’ She’d fixed him with a serious look when he’d tried to protest. ‘My life is here and I love it, but you’ve always needed more than that and I doubt very much that’s changed. So let’s just take it a day at a time, and not promise each other anything we might have to go back on.’
In the end he’d found himself agreeing, because he needed to be sure the things he was feeling for Amy were as real as they seemed. Nick had warned him that trying to go back would never work and he desperately wanted to believe that his best friend was wrong, because right now he couldn’t imagine wanting to go anywhere Amy wasn’t. But the truth was he’d left Port Kara and Amy behind once before, despite how much he’d loved her then, and he needed to be sure he wasn’t going to let her down again. He hadn’t felt as if he belonged in Port Kara back then, but the truth was he hadn’t found anywhere since where he’d felt he belonged either. He could just imagine what a therapist would make of that, but he wasn’t going to give them another chance to go poking around inside his head. He’d drawn a veil over that when one of them had advised him to write a letter to his inner child about how his relationship with his father made him feel. If he was going to put pen to paper, he’d rather just channel all of that into writing a song. Lijah had done everything he could to leave that hurt little boy he’d been behind, the one who’d sobbed his heart out on his tenth birthday when his father had decided that his latest girlfriend was worth more than his son. He had absolutely no desire to reignite those feelings again.
It was different for Amy. He could see how much she loved the life she’d built for herself in the time they’d been apart. In so many ways she was the same girl he’d fallen in love with, but different too, stronger and more self-assured. She’d always had this crazy idea that he was out of her league, which he’d never understood. But even if she still didn’t realise how beautiful she was, she seemed to have much more of an idea of her true worth these days. It was easy to see how good Amy was at her job and how much a part of the community she was too. He couldn’t drag her into the life he’d been so desperate to escape, even if she’d been willing to leave; it was too toxic. But as much as he’d loved being back in Port Kara since reconnecting with Amy, he couldn’t pretend the years in between hadn’t happened and so much had changed in the place he’d once called home. All of that meant he still had no idea where he really belonged, and Amy was right, they couldn’t promise each other anything until he worked that out.
Resisting the urge to go snooping while he was at her flat had taken all of Lijah’s self-control. There didn’t seem to be any evidence of Amy having had someone special in her life, not if the photographs that lined the hallway were anything to go by. There were photos of visits to some romantic destinations, including Paris and Vienna, but they featured landmarks, not the kind of selfies couples took to mark a memorable trip together. So, if she’d been with someone on those trips, she clearly didn’t want to remember them. There were lots of photographs of her with friends, some of whom Lijah recognised from the hospital. There were family photographs too, including some of her brother, Nathan, and Lijah couldn’t help the involuntary curl of his lip. He’d witnessed how often Nathan had put Amy down, feeding into the mass of insecurities she’d already had back then. He knew Nathan had issues, and that Amy and the rest of the family had always excused his behaviour as a result, but he had a feeling Nathan used that to get away with being deliberately cruel. Lijah had been forced to walk away on several occasions to stop himself from giving Nathan a few home truths of his own.
He’d just caught sight of a couple of pictures in the hallway that made him catch his breath, when the front door suddenly opened. If Amy was annoyed to find him looking at her photographs, she didn’t show it.
‘That was a good night.’ She gestured towards a picture of the two of them, alongside his mum and Claire, all dressed up for an eighties-themed night that Maria had got them tickets for. They were wearing bright neon outfits with back-combed hair and all four of them were laughing, capturing the kind of genuine joy that photographs often missed.
‘It was brilliant.’ He couldn’t help smiling as he looked at it again. His mum had often joked that she might have ended up marrying Andrew Ridgely, one half of her favourite band when she was growing up, but she’d never even managed to see Wham! in concert, let alone meet her teenage pin-up. She’d always added the caveat that she wouldn’t have swapped any of that for the chance of being Lijah’s mum, but she’d sacrificed so much to bring him up with almost no support from his father. Having the chance to relive the carefree days of her youth always made Maria so happy, and sharing in that had resulted in some of the best memories of Lijah’s life too. Knowing that Amy had been a part of that made him feel even closer to her, and whatever happened between them this time around, it was something they’d always have.
‘Your mum and Claire didn’t sit down once all night. Every time I tried to catch my breath, they’d drag me up to dance again. I remember how much my feet hurt the next day, but my face ached from smiling too. It’s still one of the best nights I’ve ever had.’
‘Me too.’ He smiled again at the memory of his mum singing at the top of her voice all the way home, until the rest of them had finally joined in. She hadn’t wanted the night to end and her joy had been infectious.
‘Do you remember that weekend?’ Amy pointed out a second photograph. It was one he’d already spotted, but he couldn’t reveal how much seeing that photograph again had affected him, so he just nodded in response.
‘It was taken during that trip to London you blew all your birthday money on. Even though I tried to persuade you not to,’ Amy turned to look at him and he nodded again, as if she was telling him something he didn’t remember every detail of. They’d spent a weekend in London, during the year between them leaving school and Amy heading to university. Most of the trips they’d taken in that ‘gap year’ had been on a shoestring, staying in hostels as close to home as Dublin and as far flung as Marrakesh. They’d both worked at the local Co-op in between, picking up shifts to save money for their trips, coming home after each mini adventure to top up their travel fund. It wasn’t the kind of gap year some of their friends had experienced, spending six months in Asia, or teaching English in South America, but it had been perfect because they’d been together. He’d written songs while she slept with her head in his lap, waiting for flights in the early hours of the morning, just because they were the cheapest. He hadn’t realised it back then, but that year had been the best of his life.
Splashing everything he could spare on a decent hotel had made that weekend in London different. They’d felt like proper grown-ups, checking in and examining the contents of the mini bar, before deciding not to indulge because they could probably get a night in one of their usual hostels for the price of one drink. It had been a wonderful couple of days, and they’d talked about all the things they wanted to achieve once their gap year ended. They’d planned how they’d move to London together, so that Amy could study and Lijah could take steps towards making his dream a reality. He’d really thought it was going to happen back then; it wasn’t until six months later that Amy had dropped the bombshell and said she wouldn’t be going to London to study for her degree after all. If he’d known it when they’d taken that photograph on Westminster Bridge, with the London Eye in the background, he wouldn’t have been smiling. But in that moment he’d really believed that weekend was the precursor to the rest of their lives together. He had friends who couldn’t think of anything worse than getting into a serious relationship at nineteen, and had talked about what a waste it would be to get tied down to someone during ‘the best years’ of his life, but Lijah didn’t feel that way, and he’d never have broken things off with Amy if she hadn’t ended things first. That didn’t mean he hadn’t taken advantage of his freedom since, but no one had ever been able to fill her shoes and he’d never felt the same way about anyone since.
‘I spent every penny I had on that hotel.’ His voice was low when he finally spoke.
‘And do you still think it was worth it?’ Amy curled her fingers around his, and he didn’t even need to think about his response this time.
‘It was worth far more than that.’ It might not have been the start of the life he’d envisaged for them, but those two days had remained every bit as special to him as they’d been at that time. It had been a taste of the life he was so desperate to create for them: where he’d be able to take Amy to a fancy hotel any time she liked, once he’d made a go of his career. Losing her had been a casualty of his success, but it didn’t take away from how perfect that weekend had been and he wouldn’t have changed a single thing about it. He wouldn’t have changed anything about the three years he’d spent with Amy, except for the fact they’d ended.
‘I’ve sometimes thought about going back to that hotel, but I knew it would just have made me miss you more.’ Amy looked down at the floor as she spoke. Every so often she let her mask slip, revealing a hint of the vulnerability she seemed determined to hide. In those moments, Lijah couldn’t help wondering if she was finding it every bit as hard as he was to take things day by day, and go with the flow, as if they were starting out on something untested, with someone they barely knew. No matter how hard they pretended, they both knew that was not what they were doing. Whatever was happening between them was based on years of friendship that had grown into first love, and it made it very hard to act as though this was something new. Either way, whenever Amy showed even a glimpse of that vulnerability, she’d cover it up again, going straight back to the rules she’d set out for how this needed to be played. They were keeping things low-key and not telling anyone they were more than friends. It would add way too much pressure according to Amy, and keeping it casual was best for both of them when Lijah had no idea how long he’d be around. The trouble was, every time he saw her, it got harder and harder for him to stick to those rules. ‘We could go back the hotel together. You’ve got no idea how close I came on that trip to?—’
‘Yoohoo!’ a shrill voice suddenly called out, cutting him off, as the front door swung open for a second time. Amy and Lijah sprung apart in the instant before her mother, Kerry, came into the hallway. They’d agreed that other people’s expectations would just make it even harder to take it day by day. It hadn’t been difficult for Lijah to see the logic of that particular rule, when Amy had suggested they keep the fact they were dating again to themselves. Although he wasn’t even sure dating was the right word for it, not when it all had to be done so covertly.
‘Oh God, I’m not late, am I?’ Kerry widened her eyes.
‘No, why?’ Amy’s attempt to sound nonchalant was accompanied by an exaggerated shrug.
‘Because you’re both waiting in the hallway ready to shoot straight out of the door.’ Kerry suddenly beamed as she turned to look at Lijah. ‘Anyway never mind that, it’s just so lovely to have you back! It’s been far too long.’
Amy’s mother threw her arms around him and he didn’t even try to resist her embrace.
‘It’s really good to see you too, Kerry.’ His smile was genuine. He’d always liked her, even if he thought she did go too easy on Nathan. Unfortunately, they weren’t going to have long to catch up, but in a way he was glad, at least there was less chance of him making his feelings for her daughter obvious. Amy had been on an early shift, and had arranged for her mother to come over after work to keep an eye on Monty, so that she could take Lijah to meet Albert, as part of the befriending service he’d agreed to volunteer for. It wasn’t unheard of for celebrities to do that kind of thing, but it usually happened in a blaze of publicity, and all Lijah wanted to do was blend in.
‘I hate to cut the reunion short.’ Amy leaned down to make a fuss of Monty, who’d wandered out from the lounge and into the hallway, his tail thudding against the wooden floor. ‘But we’re supposed to be at Albert’s in ten minutes, so we’re going to have to make a move.’
‘You’ll just have to come to dinner while you’re here, so we can catch up properly. Promise.’ Kerry waggled a finger at Lijah and he nodded, earning him another hug. It might make it difficult to hide his feelings for Amy, but any excuse to spend time with her felt like a good one. If he was honest with himself, it had been a factor in his desire to volunteer, even if it was far from being his only motivation. Amy could set as many rules as she wanted and he’d try his best to follow them, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to take every opportunity he could to be with her.
* * *
‘Do I need to know anything about Albert?’ Lijah asked as Amy drove them towards his house.
‘He’s a widower, with no children and he doesn’t seem to have much of a support network. He’s lonely and I think that’s affected how well he’s taking care of himself, as if he can’t really see the point. It’s sad, because he’s a lovely man.’
‘It must be hard when you don’t think anyone really cares whether you’re there or not.’ Lijah tried to keep the wistfulness out of his voice, but he didn’t quite pull it off, and he quickly changed the subject, asking about Amy’s day. Anything to stop things from getting too personal.
‘Here we are.’ Amy pulled up outside a farmhouse, which also looked as if it had been neglected for a while, but it was in a beautiful spot, high up on the cliffs surrounded by paddocks, with far-reaching sea views. It hadn’t been what Lijah had expected at all.
‘Hi Amy. I’ve made some tea and opened the biscuits, so I’m all ready for you.’ Albert made the pronouncement as soon as he opened the door, and it immediately took twenty years off his age when he smiled and held out his hand to Lijah. ‘I’m Albert, but my closest friends always called me Albie, and I gather that friendship is the point of this whole exercise. Unless there’s something they haven’t told me, and you’re doing community service and didn’t fancy litter picking.’
There was a gleam in Albert’s eye and Lijah couldn’t help laughing. ‘Damn, you found me out! I’m Lijah, nice to meet you Albie.’
They followed him inside and Lijah could see straight away what Amy had meant. The house wasn’t dirty, but maintenance seemed to be a thing of the past. The leather sofa had worn away in parts, causing rips and tears, and the rug was threadbare too.
‘Sorry, it’s not a palace, but since Lizzie died, I can’t seem to find the will to replace anything. She was always the one who made a house feel like a home.’ Albert gestured towards a photograph on the mantlepiece of a couple in their middle age, standing outside a church in a haze of confetti.
‘We were married for twenty years, but she’s been gone for more than ten now and the whole house is missing her touch.’
‘I’m sorry, you must really miss her.’ Lijah couldn’t stop himself from glancing in Amy’s direction. All those years alone; it was a long time to be without the person you loved.
‘I do, but it gives me comfort to think she’s with Brian now, her first husband. It might all be mumbo-jumbo that heaven stuff, but I hope she’s there with him, because she was a really good woman who went through a lot and she deserves to be reunited with the person she loved the most.’ Albert sat on an armchair that was covered by a crocheted throw, and gestured towards the sofa. ‘Don’t stand on ceremony you two, sit down.’
‘Thank you.’ Lijah was trying not to let his face register shock at the way Albert was talking. He couldn’t imagine loving someone, marrying them and not feeling hurt that his wife would always love someone else more. But maybe he hadn’t lived a long enough life to put himself in Albert’s shoes, and he had a feeling there was more to the story than they’d been told so far.
‘Oh I forgot to bring the biscuits in, I’ll go and get them.’ Albert moved to stand up, grimacing suddenly and putting a hand on his back, where the pain clearly was.
‘Are you okay?’ Amy was up on her feet immediately and Albert nodded.
‘Just the blasted sciatica. All those years as a farrier was bound to take a toll in the end.’
‘Let me put some of this ibuprofen gel on for you.’ Amy was already opening the tube that had been left on the side table by his chair, not giving him the chance to protest.
‘And I’ll grab the biscuits.’ Lijah got to his feet too, not wanting to cause Albert any embarrassment by sitting opposite and watching him having the gel applied.
‘They’re on the kitchen table.’
The biscuit tin was hand decorated with tiny painted flowers and, like the rest of the house, it was clearly well used, but still beautiful. Lijah took his time before going back into the living room, only returning when he heard Amy say that she was going to the bathroom to wash her hands, which he knew meant she had finished.
‘This is beautiful Albie, did you paint it?’ Lijah handed the tin to the older man, but Albert shook his head.
‘No, Millie did.’ He must have noticed the questioning look on Lijah’s face. He knew Albert didn’t have any children, and he’d already said his late wife’s name was Lizzie.
‘She’s the one that got away, isn’t that what you youngsters say?’ Albert had a wistful look on his face, and he didn’t wait for Lijah to answer. ‘I did some work on her father’s estate and we fell in love, but she was from a wealthy family and I was a farm hand. Her parents had arranged for her to get engaged to another landowner’s son. She said she’d run away with me, but I was scared she’d regret it. So I left before I had to witness her getting engaged, even though it nearly killed me to go. I trained to be a farrier as far away as I could get, up in Yorkshire. I only came back to Cornwall after I married Lizzie and we bought this place. Millie made the tin for me when I still worked for her father, bringing it down each day to the fields where I was working, with some cake or biscuits in it. That’s how I knew she liked me. I took it with me when I decided to stop working for her father, and I’ve kept it ever since.’
‘Have you ever tried to find her?’ Lijah couldn’t stop himself from asking, and Albert laughed.
‘Life isn’t one those romance novels, at least that’s what I told Millie.’ The mirth slid off Albert’s face and he suddenly looked bereft. ‘There’s a chance Lizzie will get a reunion with her Brian, but it’s not going to happen for me and Millie. Not here and not up there, because I let her go. I should have taken the chance to be with her when she gave it to me, because one thing I’ve learnt in life is that failing is better than giving up before you even start. Don’t let any opportunities that come your way pass you by, lad, that’d be my advice.’
‘What are you two gossiping about?’ Amy smiled as she came back into the room.
‘Life, love and missed opportunities.’ Lijah looked directly as her as he spoke, but she quickly turned towards Albert.
‘Sounds like you two are bonding already. Have you thought any more about rehoming a cat or dog, Albie? Caroline said you’ve been considering it?’ Her change of subject was as swift as it was complete, and she clearly had no intention of talking about missed opportunities. That would have gone against the rules. Despite avoiding some subjects, the conversation flowed easily and the three of them talked about pretty much everything else, the next hour flying by.
‘So what’s the verdict then, lad? Will you be coming back to see me again, or was once enough for you?’ Albert asked the question as he saw them to the door.
‘Oh, I’ll be back, if you’ll have me?’ Lijah smiled. ‘I’ve had a great time.’
‘Of course I’ll have you.’ Albert looked genuinely delighted. ‘I’ve not got many friends left these days.’
‘Me neither. So, it sounds like we’re a match made in heaven.’ Lijah hadn’t meant to admit that out loud, and he’d seen the look that had crossed Amy’s face in response. He knew what was coming, as soon as they were back in the car together.
‘What did you mean about not having many friends? Whenever I see pictures of you, you’re surrounded by people.’ She kept her eyes fixed on the road and he was thankful for that, but there was no point in lying to Amy, she’d always been able to see right through him.
‘I’m talking about proper friends. Most of the people who call themselves my friends have no clue who the real me is. I’m grateful to have Nick.’ It would have been so easy for him to tell Amy how grateful he was to have her too, but that would have crossed another line she’d written in the sand. Amy wasn’t his any more, not in the way he wanted her to be. She was looking at him intently now, though, her eyes locking with his as she spoke.
‘Is that why you came back to Port Kara?’
‘Partly. I just wanted to be somewhere that didn’t feel fake and now I don’t know if I can face going back to living how I was before. But everything changes and when Claire moves away, a huge part of what made Port Kara home will go with her. I suppose I should have realised you can’t recapture the past, no matter how much you might want to.’
‘I suppose not.’ He’d only repeated the same thing she’d said to him, when she’d told him why they needed to take it a day at a time, but her voice was small as she continued. ‘So you’re definitely not staying?’
‘I still don’t know, I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I need to decide, because it’s not fair on Nick. I can’t end his career by letting him hang around waiting for me, just because I’m not sure if I want to carry on with mine.’ Lijah sighed. ‘Although I’ve barely seen him since he started seeing Dolly. So, who knows, maybe his heart will end up in Port Kara even if mine doesn’t. Although I’m hoping it will.’
‘Lijah.’ There was a warning note in her voice that told him he was pushing it too far. He almost told her he couldn’t do this; he couldn’t keep his emotions in check the way she wanted him to, because it felt like the last ten years hadn’t happened when he was around her. But there was a good chance she might push him away altogether if he did that, and what Albie had said had really hit home; he didn’t want to let any opportunities pass him by. Suddenly he was certain, whatever else he decided about his future, he wanted Amy to be a part of it. Except he’d told her that before, and he’d still chosen his career over her, instead of staying in Port Kara and fighting for what they had.
Lijah knew why she’d ended things back then, because she thought it was best for his career, and he suspected she’d do it again for the same reasons, unless he proved to her, beyond all doubt, that it wasn’t what he wanted. He couldn’t just come out and say it. He had to prove it to her and that was going to take time. For the first time since she’d set the rules, he could see the value of taking things day by day. He wasn’t going to ignore Albie’s advice and let this second chance pass him by, but he couldn’t risk trying to rush things with Amy either. Instead he held up his hands, acknowledging that what he’d said could be construed as breaking her rules and offered up an apology.
‘Sorry, it’s just that days like today make me realise what really matters. I don’t think I could have had an afternoon like we’ve had with Albie anywhere but here.’
‘I’m so glad it worked out between the two of you and if it gives you another reason to stay in Port Kara, I’m not going to complain.’ She touched his hand, her mask slipping again for a moment, before she took her hand away again, changing the radio station to Absolute 80s . The sound of Spandau Ballet’s ‘True’ instantly filled the air.
‘This was another song your mum loved, wasn’t it?’
‘It was.’ Lijah somehow resisted the urge to tell Amy that Maria had loved her too, and that so did he; that would definitely have been breaking the rules. Instead he joined in, as she started to sing along with Tony Hadley. Wherever his mum was, he hoped she could see them, because he knew it would have made her incredibly happy that Amy had given him a second chance, and he was going to do his very best not to blow it this time.
* * *
Gwen might have got away with no one noticing her funny turn while she was working at the hospital shop, if Caroline hadn’t been on shift too. Her friend knew her too well and had immediately realised that her behaviour was off.
‘I’ll just get your…’ Gwen could picture the word she wanted, piles of coins stacked on top of one another, but she couldn’t find the word itself, and her movements seemed to become faltering, as if she was in slow motion.
‘It’s okay.’ The customer smiled. ‘Just put the change in the collection box.’
‘Thank you.’ Gwen’s head felt as though it was full of cotton wool and her fingers fumbled as she tried to select the right coins to put in the collection box beside the till, but every movement was like wading through concrete.
‘Are you okay?’ Caroline spotted the sign that something was wrong instantly, but Gwen still wasn’t ready to face up to it.
‘I’m fine, my head’s just a bit… It’s just a bit achy.’ She was really having to concentrate to explain something that should have been so simple.
‘Are you sure? You don’t seem your normal self lately and you’ve mentioned having a bad head a few times.’ Caroline’s eyes searched her face.
‘I’m just…’ It was as if she was incapable of completing a sentence, and she had to force the rest of it out; even her words seemed to have slowed down. ‘Feeling my age.’
‘You’re probably doing too much.’ Caroline looked up as Meg, Esther and Eden all came into the shop, speaking with a new urgency as they approached the counter. ‘It would be worth asking someone with a bit more medical expertise for some advice, though. I’m worried about you.’
‘Hey Mum.’ Esther greeted her mother and Caroline went around the counter to give her a hug.
‘Hello darling. This is good timing, I was just suggesting that Gwen speak to someone about her headaches. She’s been getting them a lot lately.’
Gwen wanted to protest, but she still couldn’t shake off the feeling of wading through concrete, and suddenly everyone was talking about her like she wasn’t even there.
‘Any other symptoms?’ Meg asked, and when Gwen shook her head, the young doctor narrowed her eyes. ‘You should always get persistent headaches checked out. It would be a good idea to go and see your GP as soon as possible, or I could run some basic checks.’
One of the benefits of working at the hospital, and of knowing so many of the staff, was that if Gwen had wanted to queue jump and get some advice from a specialist, it would have been easy. But as kind as Meg’s offer was, she wasn’t about to take up a doctor’s time when other patients were waiting. At least that’s what she told herself. The truth was she wasn’t ready for what Meg might discover, so she shook her head again.
‘Promise me you’ll at least go and see your GP?’ Meg urged and Gwen managed a nod, swiftly moving the conversation on to talking about Aidan’s baby, and asking if anyone had been to see little Ellis. After that, Caroline had insisted that Gwen go home early and Eden, who’d just finished an early shift, offered her a lift, despite the fact she lived opposite the hospital. Gwen had wanted to refuse, but she’d felt unsafe to drive and she’d been forced to accept Eden’s kind offer as a result. Barry was out weeding the front garden when she arrived and the absence of her car meant he knew something was wrong. When Eden pulled away and Gwen turned to go in to the house, Barry stood facing her, his arms folded, clearly determined not to let her fob him off this time.
‘You’ve got to see someone about what’s going on, Gee. You can’t keep pretending this is normal. You’re not well. You might not want to admit it, but it’s obvious.’ There was a new steeliness in his tone now.
‘I just need to cut down a bit.’ Her head wasn’t quite so fuzzy, but she still felt exhausted. She didn’t want to use what little energy she had fighting, but she couldn’t agree to go and see the doctor, because she knew what they were going to find and when they did there’d be no going back. She’d be on the same path that had robbed her mother of who she was, bit by bit, until there was almost none of her left. The idea terrified Gwen, and she’d do anything not to have to face it, even if it meant digging her heels in and arguing with Barry about the same thing over and over again.
‘You need to see someone, Gee, I mean it. And the kids think so too. Sally said she’ll go with you and?—’
‘You’ve been talking to the kids about it?’ She cut him off, her voice sharp as anger and fear flared up inside her like a flame igniting. They were talking about her behind her back, like she was incapable of being part of the conversation, or of making her own decisions. It was happening already, she was losing control of who she was and what she wanted. She couldn’t let it get any worse. ‘You had no right to talk to them about me.’
‘We all love you and we’re just worried about you. That’s all.’ He moved towards her and reached out, but she flinched as if he was going to hit her.
‘I’m fine. Stop interfering and treating me like a child. I’m not a bloody child!’ Her voice was shrill, almost a shriek by the last few words and she moved away from him towards the door.
‘Where are you going?’ Barry’s voice was full of concern, but she didn’t stop.
‘I’m going out, and I don’t need your permission believe it or not.’ She slammed the door behind her, tears stinging her eyes. All she wanted was for Barry to hold her and tell her it would all be okay, as he had so many times before when they’d had a crisis in their lives. But he couldn’t do that, because Gwen had a terrible feeling it wasn’t going to be okay, and that things were never going to be the same again.