Chapter 20
20
Barry had suggested pulling out of the charity dance display several times, but Gwen had flatly refused to accept she wasn’t up to it. She had struggled at the spring dance show and things had got even worse since then, but she still couldn’t admit it. She was supposed to be dancing a waltz with Barry, and leading the belly dancers in their display, and she secretly doubted she could do it, but agreeing with Barry that they should pull out would have confirmed something was really wrong and she was still desperate to deny that. Somehow she got through the waltz, but it felt as though Barry was pushing her around the dance floor like she was an old fridge that needed shifting, ready to be taken to the dump.
‘Are you feeling okay?’ Nicky came over to Gwen, just before the belly dance display was due to start. Gwen had always been the epitome of confidence, never worrying that the belly dancing outfit exposed flesh that some people would suggest was better covered up ‘at her age’. She didn’t buy into any of that. There’d been a rough patch during menopause when she’d wanted to hide away all together, but she’d done what she’d always done and thrown herself wholeheartedly into solving the problem.
One of the first steps had been to volunteer as a life model for an art class and it had allowed her to see herself from other people’s point of view. Not as a past-her-best has-been, as she’d been feeling, but as someone who’d earnt every scar and wrinkle, and who had far more character and strength because of them.
This was different though. This time if she was in the early stages of aphasia no amount of positive thinking, medical intervention or pushing herself out of her comfort zone would help. She just wanted to hide away and pretend it wasn’t happening, but Nicky was standing in front of her, waiting for an answer, so she forced a smile.
‘I’m fine. Ready to shake what my mama gave me.’ Gwen gave Nicky a demo, the coins on her outfit rattling and her brain feeling like it was following suit. She could get through this, though, all she had to do was fake it and shake it, and no one would know there was anything wrong.
‘Barry’s a bit worried about you, so if you want to give this a miss, I’m sure Janet could go up front.’ Nicky’s tone was gentle, but Gwen shook her head hard, making it hurt even more.
‘He’s just fussing.’ She moved towards the side of the stage, not giving Nicky the chance to try and dissuade her from going on again, and moments later the music started up.
At first Gwen’s movements felt reasonably fluid, but then it was almost as if her batteries had died, and she couldn’t seem to follow the beat of the music. Exchanging a desperate look with Janet, who’d mouthed the words, ‘You okay?’, Gwen shook her head and dropped to the back of the group, allowing Janet to take over up front. Suddenly Gwen couldn’t seem to remember any of the movements, and she stood there, shaking her body aimlessly from side to side.
‘What’s wrong darling?’ Barry was there as soon as she came off stage. ‘And don’t say nothing, because I know there is.’
‘I…’ The words refused to form and she widened her eyes in terror, her legs suddenly feeling as if they’d given way beneath her, and he had to catch her in his arms.
‘Shall I call an ambulance?’ Nicky was right there too, but Barry shook his head.
‘I’ll take her in, if you can just give me a hand to get her to the car. It’ll be quicker and I’m not taking no for an answer this time. Whatever is going on, it’s been happening for far too long already.’ Barry stroked Gwen’s hair away from her face, as she managed to steady herself. ‘I know you’re scared about what this might be Gee, but it’s going to be okay. I promise. We can’t keep pretending you don’t need to see a doctor.’
‘I know.’ She managed the words at last, silently praying that Barry would be able to keep his promise that everything would be okay, and wishing she wasn’t so certain that a life changing diagnosis was only hours away.
* * *
‘Well hello there Mrs Jones, you’re always full of surprises, but that must be the best outfit you’ve worn to work yet!’ The smile on Amy’s face died as she looked at Gwen’s expression. She was sitting on a chair in the waiting area of the emergency department, where she often stopped to chat to patients when she was doing her rounds with the hospital shop trolley. Gwen was wearing a green belly dancing costume and Amy would have assumed it was fancy dress, except Gwen had a black tailcoat draped over her shoulders and there were tears glistening in her eyes.
‘Hey, what’s wrong?’
‘I think I’m… my head is going.’ Gwen blinked hard, speaking slowly. ‘My mother had it and…’
‘She’s terrified she’s got aphasia.’ Barry, who Amy had met several times, suddenly appeared besides them. ‘But I don’t think it’s that. Her symptoms are different and sometimes she seems almost fine. She had a water infection, and we hoped that might be it, but sometimes she can’t seem to find her words, although there are other things too. I don’t know, but she needs to see someone, don’t you sweetheart?’
‘It’s going to be okay. Have you checked Gwen in?’ Amy had to force the words past the lump in her throat, as Barry sat down taking his wife’s hand and nodded in response. Amy hated the fact that they were talking about Gwen rather than to her, but it was clear she was struggling to find the words she needed. ‘Right, I’m going to go and speak to someone to see if I can do anything to hurry things along a bit.’
‘Thank you.’ Gwen’s words were barely more than a whisper, and Amy couldn’t bear seeing her friend looking like a shadow of her former self. Gwen was everyone else’s cheerleader, her sense of humour unfailingly brightening up a tough day. It didn’t seem possible that something could come along to dim that light, and she hoped with all her heart that Barry was right about something else causing his wife’s symptoms.
* * *
By the time Amy left the hospital, Gwen had already been given a series of blood tests and was booked in for both a CT scan and an MRI. Amy had been there when Barry began listing the symptoms, which had been reassuring and terrifying at the same time. Amy had googled aphasia at the first opportunity, and while Gwen seemed to be having some trouble focusing on getting her words out the way she wanted to, the other symptoms she had didn’t seem to fit at all. Amy felt a wave of relief as Barry reeled off the things that had been happening, until she realised just how many symptoms Gwen had been experiencing. It might not be aphasia, but it could be something just as terrifying.
There’d been the problems with Gwen’s memory and concentration, slurred words and slowed movements, all of which they’d thought initially might be caused by the UTI, but which hadn’t cleared up when Gwen’s water infection had. There’d also been dizziness, headaches, muscle weakness and nausea, which had left Amy wondering if it was something neurological. She’d had a patient come in before with similar symptoms, who’d been diagnosed with a brain tumour, and Amy had been desperate for the doctors to find something that would prove Gwen didn’t have anything like that. Even with the barrage of tests that had been ordered, it would probably be a while before they knew what was wrong. She’d eventually had to leave the hospital with a heavy heart, having made Meg promise to call her if there was any news, so that she could come back and offer Gwen whatever support might be needed.
Before she’d left work, she’d gone in to check on her friend one last time and had found Gwen all on her own.
‘Where’s Barry?’
‘Gone outside to cry.’ Gwen had still sounded exhausted, but there was far more clarity in her speech.
‘Oh Gwen.’ Amy had wanted to cry too, but she’d dug her fingernails into her palms instead.
‘I’ve always dreaded losing him, but it’s going to kill him if I’m really ill.’ Gwen had sighed heavily, leaning back against the pillow. ‘But that’s what comes of going all in, isn’t it? Love should be all or nothing, otherwise it’s a waste of the life you could have had.’
Amy had wanted to promise Gwen that she’d be okay, but that wasn’t a promise she could make. Instead, she said one thing she knew for certain to be true. ‘Not many people get to have a love like you two, and it’s pretty obvious you haven’t wasted a moment of the time you’ve spent together.’
Gwen had squeezed her hand after that, too tired to continue the conversation and Amy had waited until Barry returned, his eyes red rimmed just as Gwen had predicted. There was no way Amy would have left before Barry came back, and she’d texted Lijah to let him know she was running late. He’d replied straight away, telling her not to rush and asking if it would be okay for him to take Monty around to visit Albert, so that he didn’t have to cancel the scheduled visit. The vet had said Monty could go for short walks now and that he could be taken out in the car, so she’d been happy to agree. The truth was Monty would probably be okay to be left alone now, but then she’d have no reason to see Lijah as often as she did, especially when Amy had been the one to insist they kept things casual. She knew that seeing him as little as possible was the safest thing to do, but Monty had given her an excuse not to listen to that logic. Soon that excuse would be gone, and as much as she was delighted that Monty was nearly better, not seeing Lijah almost every day was a prospect she didn’t want to think about too much.
The longer he stayed around, the harder it was to imagine life when he finally left again, but that was exactly why she had to do something to persuade him to leave Port Kara sooner rather than later. Whether that was by reminding him that he belonged on the stage, performing the music he loved, or some other way, it didn’t matter. She told herself that if she didn’t do it soon, it was going to be too late, but deep down she knew it probably already was. The fact he was willing to do whatever it took not to let Albert down said so much about the man he was.
When Amy eventually arrived at Albert’s farm to pick Monty up, Lijah answered the door and her breath caught in her throat, just like it had the first time she’d ever seen him.
‘Hi.’ It was all she could manage.
‘Hello.’ He smiled and the lines she’d been rehearsing about this never working between them, and him needing to stop hiding out in Port Kara and get back to his own life, felt like the last thing she wanted to say. She didn’t want to get dragged into the drama that surrounded Lijah, any more than she wanted to risk letting him break her heart again. She’d built a great life for herself and had known exactly what it was she wanted, before Lijah had turned up again. It should have been so easy to tell him all the reasons why trying again would be a mistake, but it turned out that logic didn’t stand a chance when feelings got in the way. It was Lijah who broke the silence between them.
‘Are you coming in? I’ve just made some tea for Albie and we’re about to start on the chocolate biscuits. Monty’s been drooling ever since he heard the rustle of the packet.’
She returned his smile; talking about the dog was safe ground and something she could manage. ‘That sounds like Monty, they say dogs copy their owners and I can sniff out a biscuit from a hundred metres. As you can probably tell.’
He shook his head. ‘Why do you always put yourself down Ames? You did when we were teenagers and you’re still doing it now. I wish you could see yourself the way others do.’
‘Some old habits die hard; you must know that.’ Her laugh sounded hollow, as she moved past him down the hallway, wanting to get to Albert and Monty so they could change the subject and talk about something – anything – other than the two of them. She wasn’t ready to have the conversation she’d planned, she wasn’t sure she ever would be, but either way now definitely wasn’t the time. Reaching the door to the living room quickly, she pushed it open to see the little dog curled up next to Albert on the sofa. ‘How are you, Albie? Monty certainly looks at home.’
‘I’m all the better for Monty and Lijah visiting and seeing you is just the cherry on the cake. Having a beautiful woman come to see me is always a treat.’
‘Thanks, but I think beautiful might be stretching it a bit!’ Amy saw the look that crossed Lijah’s face, but before he could say anything, Albert launched his own protest.
‘Don’t talk nonsense. You remind me of Elizabeth Taylor in Raintree County . I was only ten years old, but it was the first time I remember seeing a girl and thinking how beautiful she was. I watched as many of her films as I could after that, until I met Millie and I forgot about everyone else, even Elizabeth Taylor. I probably shouldn’t tell you that you remind me of my pin-up, should I? It’s not the done thing these days.’
‘I’ll let you off.’ She smiled, the only film Amy had ever seen Elizabeth Taylor in was The Flintstones and from what she remembered she’d played a very glamorous grandmother, but Amy decided to take it as compliment all the same.
‘Good, because you need to start realising how beautiful you are.’ Albert wagged a finger at her, sounding just like Lijah, who immediately echoed the sentiment.
‘I keep saying the same thing.’ She couldn’t look at him, otherwise he’d realise that she’d long since lost the battle to play this cool. Thankfully Albert saved her from having to respond at all.
‘Trust me, you’ll wish you realised how beautiful you are now when you get to my age!’ He laughed. ‘There are lots of things I wish I’d made the most of, going out dancing on a Saturday night with Millie for one. She’d sneak out of the big house and meet me at the village hall, and I’d whirl her around the dancefloor all evening. When you’re young you think you’ll be able to do those things forever and I wish I’d appreciated it a bit more.’
‘You could still go dancing. My friend goes to a great dance class where everyone’s included.’ Amy tried not to think about whether the days of Gwen dominating the dancefloor would soon be over. ‘I can give you the details if you like.’
‘I don’t think that’s for me, but if you could transport me back to the late 1950s or even the early 1960s just for one night, I might be persuaded.’ Albert sighed and then Monty started howling for no reason at all, making sure the attention was back on him, and the conversation quickly moved on to the subject of dogs and Lijah’s plan to get one as soon as he worked out where he wanted to settle permanently. Amy tried not to be too disappointed that he was still so uncertain. Less than an hour ago she’d been intending to try and persuade him to leave Port Kara. Now here she was, feeling gutted that he hadn’t come to the conclusion he needed to stay. Heading out to the kitchen she started washing up the mugs, so her face couldn’t give her away.
‘Do you think we could organise it?’ Lijah’s question as he followed her into the kitchen a few moments later, made her head shoot up.
‘Organise what?’
‘A dance in the village hall with some of Albie’s favourite music from the fifties and sixties. We could invite other people from the befriending service.’
‘You’d want to do that?’ Amy already knew what his response would be, so it was no surprise when Lijah nodded.
‘You know how much Mum loved music from the eighties. She always said there was something about music from her youth that seemed to recharge her. We spent so much of our time listening to it in our teens, and it’s those eighties songs that can take me back to being a carefree kid too, even though we weren’t born when they came out. There’s nothing better than seeing people getting lost in the music they love, and it would be so brilliant to see Albie doing that.’
‘It might take a while. Will you be around long enough?’ She held her breath, waiting for him to answer, and he nodded.
‘I’ve got nowhere I need to rush off to and I can stay as long as it takes to…’ He hesitated for a moment as if he was going to say something else, but then seemed to think better of it. ‘I can cover any costs, but I’m just not sure where to start with organising it.’
‘I’ll talk to Aidan and see what he thinks.’ Usually the first person Amy would have spoken to would be Gwen, but her friend had far more important things to focus on right now. ‘It’s a lovely idea, though, and I’m sure Albie would be really touched that you’ve thought of it.’
‘Do you ever wish you could go back to a time when things were simpler?’ His voice was soft and her fingers twitched with the longing to reach out and touch him, but she gave an almost imperceptible nod of her head instead. She couldn’t risk Albert walking in and seeing them together. The fact this relationship was just between the two of them was the last one of the rules she was managing to cling to. If that went, she’d be in even deeper than she already was.
‘Me too.’ There was a sigh in his voice, and then Albert called out his name, interrupting whatever Lijah might have said next.
‘You’d better go and check he’s okay and tell him about your idea. I won’t be a minute.’ Staring into the washing up bowl, Amy held her breath again until he disappeared. If she could go back to when they were teenagers, she’d do it in a heartbeat despite all the angst and heartbreak when it had ended between them. It would be worth it to have those years with Lijah again, because there was no doubt in her mind they’d been the happiest of her life.